h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Itching to try out his new Mark II Acid Sleetzar, GL exits engineering and heads in the direction of the nearest Bjorg. Rounding a corner, he sees a Bjorg and fires. The Sleetzar emits it's acid sleet spray, which envelopes the Bjorg and freezes, temporarily stopping the Bjorg. As the sleet melts, the acid begins to disolve the Bjorg. It takes 3 steps, then falls and melts into a muddy puddle. GL rubs his hands in glee.*

It works! It works!

*GL bends down to examine his handywork and notices that the Bjorg was wearing a donut communicator, with the name "Nurse SheWon'tBeInItNextWeek" printed on it*

Still requesting emergency site-to-site transport
*Checkout finishes his communication before running away from the more advancing bjorg*
Anytime would be nice...

Computer, beam lieutenant Checkout to main engineering.

Hmmm. Her name should be "Nurse SheWontBeInItNextMinute". Hope the doc doesn't ask me about her.

*Kicks doughnut down the hall and into a random room. Sets off in search of another Bjorg. Finds one and reduces it to a muddy puddle too.*

Well, looks like it works just at well on real Bjorgs.

*Still frozen in body but mind still active*

Who is this wierdo carrying me *refering to Checkout* I, Seven-of-Up, must be must be re-connected to the bjorg collective.

*With a flash and a bad smell of eggs following, Z appears on the bridge of The Esirpretne... *
*looks around and sees several tennis clad washing machines*
Bjorg!
*After a quick hand jerk, Z ends up in engineering*
Mon Capitaine Boy, Why are you not in bed! its 8 o'clock!
and did you know there is a bjorg sitting on your chair!

*Checkout decides to ignore Z for the time being and takes the Bjorg over to a table and begins to examine it*
Croz, could you give me a hand please, I wish to access this Bjorg's processor
*Checkout starts to remove a face plate*
OH MY GOD!!!!
I recognise this Bjorg, he was in the academy with me...
Zulu, can you hear me?

*struggling*

My...name...is...SEVEN-OF-UP

*Flash and a curious smell of eggs later*
*Checkout is stitting in a EPOS*
What the ?
Like your new job, checkout?
*Checkout starts screaming in horror, then Flash and a curious smell of eggs later,
Z disappears and checkout is lying on top of seven of up*
AHEM!

*Totally ignores Z, Fiend, or whatever the smeggie is called*

Zulu...Zulu...That...sounds familiar

*Uses optical sensor to monitor the inhabitants of the room*

strange familiar looking human is nearby and a totally primate creature referring to Z

*Joanna bends over Seven of Up, tricorder in hand.*
I'm looking for this Bjorg's command module. Since its no longer attached to the collective, it should be possible to remove it without killing it, which I'd rather not do if possible. Then we can find out what they're priorities are.
Perhaps if we beam it out?
*scans*

*enters corridor where E is*

Number One, nice of you to join me. I've managed to trap two of the last Bjorg in the holodeck here in a simulation of Wimbledon. I'm going back to the bridge just now - if we can get to warp, we may be able to outrun the Bjorg ships.

*pweesh*

*After double checking that the holodeck door was locked, E follows the Captain to the bridge, watching for any Bjorg that would try & sneak up on them...*

Meanwhile....

As CO rematerialises on the bridge of the bjorg ship he resumes his position in his alcove.

The subtle infiltration mission was a failure. suggest we contact the horrible somethings and inform them. Current invasion information suggests that the crew of the Esirpretne have developed a new weapon. We require a new strategy. Multiple drones have been captured and some destroyed. Suggest beaming the Esirpretne into cargo bay 2 and engaging the holomatrix so they don't realise.

A transport beam engulfs the Esirpretne and beams it into the cargo bay. The holomatrix engages and due to a system failure plays CO's holiday video.

*E was once more checking the readouts on one of the bridge consoles...*

*She looks up momentarily to look at the viewscreen...something struck her as a little odd about it, but she then looked back down at the console...*

Captain, according to these readings, we've left the Bjorg ship lightyears behind us...

*E looks at the viewscreen again...*

Erm...Captain...?

There's a distinct lack of stars outside...

*E rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn't imagining the holiday scenery outside...it was too...bright...to be space...and there definitely weren't any stars...*

*The ships sensors refused to believe E's eyes...they insisted that the Esirpretne _was not_ on an island in the pacific...*

*Meanwhile, in Engineering, Checkout and Croz are contiuing to remove Seven of Up's/Zulu's implants*
Mr Croz, ve can only remove 70% of Seven ov up's implants. The rest are vital to his survival. Removing any more could be wery hazardous to his health, but plot development counts could increase...
It's your decision...

engage tiny fixing things and change that scenery before anyone realises.

tiny fixing things winge as they crawl down to cargo bay 2


god its sooo unfair we have to everything in this place.


eventually they arrive and perform a half hearted job on the holomatrix.

holomatrix is now showing StarWars(c)(tm)(sorry george)

*Lying there helpless*

What's going on - where is the collective? They've ruined my tennis clothes!!!

You vill thank us Seven
*Pulls tennis ball out of delecate area*
Doesn't that feel better?
Besides, it is standard doughnut federation policy to re-instate all crew members in times of emergency, you vere part of the doughnut federation so you're allience to the Bjorg doesn't count.
Da?
*Finishes with tools, and hands them back to Croz*
*Helps Seven to his feet*
Velcome aboard, i'm sure either the keptin or E would like to have a vord vith you...