h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What's going on? I think you have some backlog reading to do, Mandarb.

E, I think the ventilation shafts can be entered from the Men's washroom on Level 2.

Yes, I've heard that.

Prez, follow me, we're going with the first officer. Set your phaser to 'Terminate with extreme prejudice'. Oh, any you better put this on.
*Throws Prez a spangly gold shirt which matches his own and almost, but not quite, completely covers the giveaway red security uniform*

*Twiddles donut.*
Hello, Direct Etherwave Insurance?........

I guess we'd better get started then...

Level 2?

Fine, OK, erm...

...I *really* hope I come back...

*E walks off in search of stowaways armed with a flame thrower & a tracking device which was working...*

*Bluebottle makes the stowaway a nice cup of tea.*

*Wanders in*

Okay, whatever is in the ship is moving. Fast. Oh, just to ease your minds, we've mined enough matter as is safe. We could mikne more, but we would risk our ship itself becoming a black hole. That would be rather unpleasant.

*Notices strange device on table. Notices the "Crater Labs Inc." logo on it*

I wonder what this does?

*Is frozen for a few days, as in real life he's going to not have access to a computer*

*E looks at the tracker...*

Blip.

**** That *was* fast...

*E was suddenly glad that she wasn't alone & that there were others with her...*

*E opens the ventilation shaft & crawls in...*

*Thumps tracker. Screen flickers. Changes to the popular gardening program "Ground Force".*
Ooh! Alan Titchmarch!

Hold on.
*Twigs*
Oh no!
The horror! The horror!
*Donut*
E! Get out of there!
*/Donut*
Captain, I think Charlie Dimmock's breasts are loose in the ventilation system! And there heading towards E!

*BS hearing this transmission selflessly throws himself into the ventilator shaft after the valiant First Officer*

*DD looks at his pile of clothes and hope all stoaways are captured soon so he can get dressed*

*Bluebottle valiantly hopes he can get his icecream*

*Sets up cardboard cone against wall and fires portable snowball cannon at it. Hands BB the chocolate snocone. Sits back down at the weapons console. Notices something on the scanner. Punches a few buttons. Image of large pickle-shaped ship appears and rotates in 3D. The bumps on the pickle can be seen to be gun turrets. Punces a few more buttons. Screen shows pickle and Esirpretne relative to each other. The pickle is still many parsecs away, but closing rapidly. Puts shields on full.*

Captain, a ship is approaching. Estimated time before we are within its range: 10 minutes. I have raised the shields and will arm the photon torpedoes. Awaiting your instructions.

*Arms photon torpedoes*

Hang on, it's only a flying moped...
...okay, which of you ordered the pizza?

Is it a large pan veggie special?

*pweesh*

pant, pant, uh-oh, it's a Pizzar ship! They believe themselves to be the ultimate purveyors of snack food in the galaxy! With our twin obsessions with doughnuts and ice cream, we're a natural target!

Number One, take care of yourself - you, BS and Prez are going to be on your own for a little while here. We've pretty much got our hands full. You'll have to deal with Charlie Dimmock's breasts unaided.

Oh, a new crewmember! Hi! I'm the Captain. You're very welcome to be a chartered crewmember aboard our fine vessel. I believe Demon Drawer needs an assistant engineer, as most of his staff are still in sickbay with gas poisoning.

Which reminds me, CD4, you're assigned to Operations. That's not a medical thing, by the way. It's like Harry Kim off Star Trek: Voyager.
You may have to perform Afgncaap5's duties for a while, internal sensors indicate he's been frozen. Mr Garius Lupus, take a look at him, see if you can help Mr CD4 out.

*sits in chair*

Busy busy.

Any beautiful half human half klingons the job is theirs.

Dunno about beautiful half human half Kilngons but you've got Mandarb - will that do?

Oh, and is anyone having trouble loading the forum? Just say the word when you want it moved...

*Door to the bridge slides open. Chunk of ice with Affy in it hops in. He seems to be trying to say something*

(Well, I'm off for a few days. Ciao!)