h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

these were forwarded to me by a friend...some are very funny...some are not ...sorry the list is so long!

Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill.
Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
Brown: Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.
Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity.
Cornell: Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest.
Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark.
Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation.
Middlebury: Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
Stanford: One, dude.
Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students.
Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.
Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do.
Tufts: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student.
Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it.
Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress.
Boston University: Four--one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework.
Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial complex and all that.
Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out.
Virginia: Thirteen--Ten to form student committee to vote on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson.
Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in.
Boston College: Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their lightbulbs.

Not really traditional lightbulb jokes, but here goes:


Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to improve a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to find a small, clever startup company that's already improved the lightbulb, and one to buy the company.


Q. How many MS programmers does it take to program a good operating system

A. More


God, it's fun M$ bashing

How many mystery writers?
One.
But it needs a spectacular twist at the end...

How many chimps do you need to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but darn many bulbs!!!

How many men do you need to change a lightbulb..?
a)Men will screw anything..
b) men will screw up anything
(If anybody got insulted; sorry!)

How many electricians do you need to change a lightbulb?
3 one to to come when you are not at home, one to bring a wrong bulb, and one to get so annoyed at the others that he forgot why he came.

And here's a very special variation, it's a joke about a lightbulb,
but it's not really a classic lightbulb joke:
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew the lightbulb!

If this has insulted anyone, I'm not in any way sorry! It's a joke, deal with it.

I say it takes 20 mormons... 5 to organize the activity, 5 to call everyone, 9 to show up completely unprepared, and 1 adult to get totally stressed out until everyone leaves. The custodian will change it.

How many martians?

aata. itoo, skump!

Okay, if we're gonna do related stuff:

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can get to sleep with the light on.

Other 'related' stuff:

How many men does it take to change an empty toilet-paper roll?
No one knows, it's never been known to happen.

(Awaits chorus of disapproval, but doesn't care 'cos she's made a 'sexist' joke in a previous reply and feels entitled to this one!)

How many surfer dudes?

Like, how stupid do you, like, man, think I am, dude!

Well, if we're offending people, specifically the opposite sex...

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Lots.

mormon YOUTH!! And they no longer practice poligamy, just to let you know and all

how many enlightned people does it tkae to change a light bulb?
A:7 , 1 to change it an 6 to see if it has a higer purpose in this life......

lame an stupid i know but im a fairy god damn it!

OK I've got one. I don't know if it's been said yet as I have not read all the others but here goes.
Q How many Philosophers-
A Well that all depends on how you define their presence and even if you senses tell you there are 3 you may be quite wrong as you are only reliying on thought impulses to the brain and this may not be fact. You also may not be sure that they are changing the light bulb at all. They may all be sitting around a table discussing the ludicrus but to you it seems that they are replacing a light bulb.......

nice one centurion. Like it like it

how many cocky little spoon kids from the matrix does it take to change a bulb?
A:none........there is no bulb.......u are merly changing yourself......

(to get this u really have to have seen the matrix about 10 times on vid...or have a good meomory)

Then I have a good memory

Ok another "non-lightbulb" joke:

What is easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman. If you make a snowman you have to hollow out the head, and use it for testicles.

Again: how many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Real pigs are not afraid of the dark!

ah, well in nanaimo there are a lot of inactives and they only ever show up for fun stuff

That last one seems like a weird excuse to use the word 'pigs' for 'men'.