h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What about the X-Files? {maniacal laugh}
sorry.....Gillian.

How about changing the title-tune to Hendrix' Foxy Lady ?

TM.

my personal favourite was spoken by Keanu Reeves in the 80's film Parenthood - "slapping the salami"

it still makes me laugh

Big Cheese - sorry to be pedantic but it's spelled Euphemisms.

Or maybe you meant Euphoniums ? Which would give this conversation a wonderfully surreal twist.

If not, I'd just like to add that I butter my muffin whenever I get the chance.

If you are going to be pedantic then it is spelt euphemisms, not spelled.
Excuse me I must go and 'rough up the suspect'

driverchris

I pointed that out back at posting No 34. Let's just assume that masturbation ruins your spelling.

DriverChris - I beg to differ. The past participle of spell is spelled. However it's quite possible you are American, in which case you are at liberty to misuse the Queen's English and use the ugly and derivative form of spelt.

Now how's that for pedantic ?

Backatcha

Cool... Is it possible to re-route this discussion into an area marked, 'English usage'. As a graphic designer I have to be ultra aware of language usage, but I'm also ready to admit that I'm not infallibnle (sic). And it is always dangerous to try and occupy the moral high groung as some proffesor of the roots of Slavic languages is bound to burst your bubble. The reason I avoid 'spelled' is that to me it suggests one has just cast an incantation over someone. No I'm not American, but I am very wary of the knee-jerk reaction of looking down our noses at our American cousins' usage for a number of reasons.
Because their usage developed from the founding fathers, in many ways it is a more correct 'old English'; in the way the Pennsylvania Germans speak a 'high German'.
Many phrases we like to think of as good English are in fact americanisms
English is a lively evolving language, let's keep it that way.
It strikes me that this issue is another form of mental masturbation, I really ought to get out into the fresh air.
Wasn't it Christopher Fry who said that 'Masturbation is the thinking mans television'?
Yours in fun
driverchris

Which reminds me of one of the unforgettable lines in one of my favourite movies of all time:

"Jazz, Derek, is musical wanking"

(who recognises it?)

What about:

polishing your grandfathers walking stick
spanking the monkey
playing with the purple headed love warrior
pulling your pud
polishing your policemen/firemans helmet

stay lucky, threesecondmemory.

Yes, agreed that the danger of occupying the moral high ground is that someone will usually take a dump on you from a greater height. I'm not usually such a pedant (no, really) but as my trade is in words and language (book editor), I do have a few opinions on its use and abuse. But I agree absolutely that language should be regarded as a rich, beautiful, and continually evolving thing. From William Burroughs, to Tom Wolfe, to Irvine Welsh and Ali G, the lexicon of life is an organic thing which constantly evolves and adapts with the times. And so it should.

The use of language on the internet and in e-mail is a prime example of this. From smiley faces, to the widespread use of acronyms, and the increasing abandonment of traditional punctuation, the internet is developing a dialect all of its own. So much so that if a newbie ventured into a chat room discussion, they probably wouldn't understand half of what was going on. In fact 'newbie' is a perfect example of a brand new internet word. Bingo bongo.

Hmmmm….I feel moved to write a guide entry on the subject.

As for the Septic Tanks ? Well, personally I believe it's only fair and proper to take the piss out of them at every available opportunity.


Anyway, just to put this string back on track, I shall volunteer "feeding the horse"

Agreed;
And let's not forget the richness of Cockney rhyming slang
having a quick 'J. Arthur' (J. Arthur Rank [a well know distributor of filmed entertainments])
or popping out for a Jodderel Bank. (Before anyone starts; I've got no idea how you spell Jodderel.)

I took a rhyming slang dictionary with me when I worked in America, they couldn't get a grip on it at all; needless to say all the expats then spoke exclusively in slang to wind them up.
Resulting in a huge fit of the old 'flight commander Biggles'

driverchris

Well, how successful were earth - final conflict, and millenium? They bombed. All good science fiction requires a w**k target, otherwise the fans get frustrated and have to go out into the real world...

I've got "Jacking the Beanstalk" and "Choking the Chicken" over here...i don't hear too many female euphomisms...why is that so?

I've got "Jacking the Beanstalk" and "Choking the Chicken" over here...i don't hear too many female euphemisms...why is that so?

go right back to nearly the beginning. There is a whole collection of the female ones. None very apt, though, I find. I would expect them to be more romantic or picturesque at least.

Would you please beam me up scotty? I need a good laugh and someone a little bit easier on me. thanks JLC the TTP

I had a complete list for it somewhere on the net.
Still, I think the best way to name it is its original name: Onanism.
The mythe comes from Onan who liked too much his own body.

Up to comments...

I still haven't found the place (somewhere near the beginning of the Old Testament. But I did mention Onan in Post 34 way back. And I am not sure it is properly interpreted, as so many parts of the Bible are badly translated.

I found these at bubblegun.com and thought they should be included...

FESTIVE EUPHAMISMS FOR MASTURBATION

10. Decorating the tree
9. Stuffing the turkey
8. Pulling the cracker
7. Finding the sixpence in the Christmas pudding
6. Opening the presents
5. Emptying the stocking
4. Letting it snow
3. O coming all ye faithful
2. Rum-pa-ta-tum with the little drummer boy
1.Coming down the chimney and emptying the contents of your sack under the tree