h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What's the biggest fib you ever got away with?

I once fibbed in an job interview that I had a driving licence. When I was offered the job, I had 2 weeks to go and get one. Which I did, so no harm was done.

What about you?

I can't and don't tell lies. If I were to try, it's patently obvious from my demeanour and blushing and smirks.

I wish I could - a junior colleague who got shortlisted for a senior role recently that I'd also applied for, and not been shortlisted, said - and I quote - that he was "less scrupulous with the truth" than me.

Like B, I can't tell lies about serious things - but I did once tell my children that a gasometer beside the M8 in Glasgow was Disneyland.

It was an off the cuff fib which I promptly forgot.
The children, however, didn't forget and for years couldn't understand why we never took them there.

Oooh, last night I told my mate that we had no ketchup because I wanted him to actually *taste* the food I'd made. (lemon and thyme breaded lemon sole with miniature new potatoes and petit pois, covered generously with lemon-thyme butter...) He believed me even though it was right in front of him on the table.



(the biggest fib was that I told him I knew it was there the whole time. I didnt actually see it until he pointed it out, laughing at his own stupidity! Blagged!)

For *years*, my youngest sister believed that her stuffed monkey, Baby Affe, actually ate food - he had to sit at the table every meal, had his own little plate and cup, and would get bite-sized bits of food. It started as a game - we'd distract her, and then eat his food when she wasn't looking - but it went on waaaay too long. She still believed it long after the Weihnachstmann and Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny mysteries were cleared up...

But then she also believed in the Mad Crosser-Outer

We had a running family joke about the Mad Crosser-Outer being the one who put the Xs through signboards when some motorway exit was closed due to construction. She believed he really existed, though we never actually *told* her that...

There. Enough Sistabarista-embarrassing for today.

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That is quite possibly, almost certainly the cruellest thing I've ever heard.

Cruel?

I think the context in which the fib was told is relevant.
It was an off the cuff remark, as we drove past the said gasometer, in answer to a question that had been answered many times before.

Ah, the shattered hopes and dreams when they finally realised

I do love how kids insist on winding you up like that endlessly asking the same questions over and over again, but as soon as they have a wildly fantastic/slightly sarcastic answer they will tend to cling on to it like there was never a realistic answer uttered...

I err 'over-egged' my experiances in order to land my job.
NOt outright lieing.
Just err, stretching the amount of actual authority and independance I had in several of the previous roles I had.
Caught out straight away, when they asked for an example of my report writing.... So I just made a report up and Sent it to them... Well actually 'made up' isn't qutie right, I just spent a big portion of the night actually doing the work and doing a full report on the web-site....
Since which time I've learnt how to do it all anyhow, i kinda knew I could learning is somethign I can* do I'd just never had call to actually learn and do it until now
I convinced a lot of people I was at uni with that my middle name is Victoria. I have absolutely no idea why I did it, and I guess most still believe it to be true.
But the biggest fib by far are those fibs one makes to oneself..... 'I'm too busy to visit the gym regularly'.... 'I'm in control of the drinking and drugs, they're not in control of me'... 'I can ignore the voices in my head If I want'....'cheese is the only natural main nutrient, except for beer that one needs to remain healthy...' etc....

I once told a girl I was trying to pull that the MGB Roadster outside the house was mine, when it really belonged to my flatmate.

This proved a little embarrassing when her boyfriend turned up the next day, wanting to buy it.

rofl @ above unlucky

You're going to think I was a bad parent, but here goes.

When my daughter, Moonlight (now 18) was small she was obsessed by the tooth fairy. Not the whole tooth= thing, but the fairy part. When she had a tooth come out she would leave special notes and stories for the fairy. After a few times, the fairy started to write little notes back. Tiny writing on tiny paper with little magical messages.

One time, Moonlight made a wish. She apologised for asking, but as she thought the fairy was her friend, would it be possible to be turned into a cat. The fairy really wanted to grant her wish.

In the morning, when Moonlight woke, she found little muddy paw prints on her pillow, a smudge on her face and some blades of grass on the sheet. Under her pillow was a tiny note from the fairy saying that she knew that Moonlight had a lovely time as a cat but that the fairy then had to cast a spell to take the memory away and that she hoped she'd understand.

I can't remember how long it was before her older sister, Sunshine told her.

Awwww I like that!

My mother used to use a horseshoe to put hoof-prints round the garden and take a bite out of the apples and carrots we left for the horse of the Nikolaus (St Nicholas, sort of Santa, but he comes on the 6th of December in Germany)

She says my sister and I believed it, because (as I explained to her) sure, our mother could've eaten the apple, but she could never have drunk all the water in the five litre bucket!

I told my children I had eyes in the back of my head, because mummies grow them after giving birth.

They believed me until they got to school age.

Mol

You mean that's not true?

TRiG.

I (jokingly) told my son when he was about 5, that tickling mummies was against the law. I recently discovered that he apparently believed me and worried whenever we passed a policeman

Aw, I love the little magical things. I wa so jealous when a friend showed me the notes her tooth fairy had left for her. I never got them and I was most upset! I thought I had an inferior fairy!

Mum said mine was busier cos we lived in a city and my friend lived in the highlands of scotland so she didnt have so many children to visit which is why she had time to write letters!

the icecream van only rings his bell after he has run out of icecream

bad daddy

In discussions about the replacement of a dead goldfish, which I did so my daughter (then 6) wouldn't be too upset, which was a waste of time because the replacement died within a week and was seen floating by said daughter, my sister mentioned the fact that she had replaced her daughter's goldfish several times.

Said daughter (not mine, my sisters daughter, which would be my neice) who was present at the time, expressed surprise and a little sadness. Although by that time in her 20's (my neice, not my daughter (for goodness sake, keep up!)) she had never twigged that "tiddles" wasn't the oldest goldfish in the world, but was, much like the actors who play Doctor Who, not really the same person (or Galifreyan, or goldfish).

Maybe there's a moral here somewhere - even white lies are lies, engage brain before opening mouth, use less parentheses, write shorter sentences, stop when you have made your point, remember what the point was, consider when to stop and go to bed, consider when to stop drinking that wine even if it does taste good now and helps you compose longer and longer sentences with more and more commas......