h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Gobshite: An Irish/English word used as a term of utter contempt, often directed at politicians: " So and so is a right *gobshite*...."

Carries with it the meaning of: the rubbish issuing from the mouth of such an individual.

This thread is hereby inaugurated as a vehicle where the routine abuse of the English language may be explored, deplored, abhorred, as you wish. Above all, clichees may here be subjected to withering scorn, and merciless lampooning, whether it be an "ongoing situation," or a "ball park figure", here is its place of disembowellment. It may also serve as a useful location for abominable puns, your very worst jokes, and any similar material worthy of even half a laugh, or an honest groan of intellectual pain.

Feel free.

And just to start, here's my personal bete noir...the "ball-park figure."

The term has become all too horribly common this side of the Great Water. A man rings me up to commission some work, and asks me to give him "a ball-park figure." I have decided never again to collude in this vile usage. The response I shall give will be to feign ignorance of his meaning.

" What?" I shall say, "A ball-park figure? The only ball-park I'm aware of is the one I pull on before my trousers in the morning, so if that's the figure you want, the answer is two, the last time I looked."

Sorry, ladies, if you are confronted with this situation, you'll just have to pretend deafness, and say, "Bald-part figure? Sorry, I don't go in for Brazilian wax!"

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While we're at it, there has been much talk about the rift between Blair and Brown, politicians are generally muttering about the Neck Selection. Given the brass neck of most politicians ( a load of hooks, sharks and gobshites ) it's no wonder they're concerned about who might be next to get it in the neck. Which serves to remind us that the true origin of contemporary "democracy" and "free government" has nothing to do with the slave-owning Athenians, but rather with the heady days of the French Revolution. Now them was the days when the term "Neck Selection" carried a bit of weight, and you never knew when you might be necks for the guillotine.

I'm with you on this one Chaiwallah. Basically it is idleness and a smattering of PC that brings it about.

My personal bete noir at the moment is the use of the word issues when in fact they mean problems. Theres no shame in admitting you have a problem, we all get them from time to time, its a fact of life. Wrapping it up in a fancy word that means something totally different doesn't make the problem go away.

The nearest definition to issues in the OED is a point in question; important subject of debate or litigation.

Whereas a problem is doubtful or difficult matter requiring a solution. or something hard to understand or accomplish.

Use each as appropriate.

Donald

On the subject of 'issues', I present the following email exchange between my manager and myself last Monday morning:

Manager: Morning All, I hope every one is OK. Any issues, let me know. Thanks.

Me: Well, I have a warning light on my car dashboard that I'm somewhat concerned about, but I suspect you don't want the issues to be that wide-ranging.

Manager: Yes not that wide-ranging.


Well, he did say *any* issues. I only felt it was fair to share my troubles with him since he asked so kindly.


Geggs

Yes, I always used to volunteer that I had a bit of a hangover when asked "Any problems?" at work.....

I hate it when someone says:

Once and for all - as in 'I'm going to sort this problem once and for all'. This means you are going to sort this problem twice - once, and for all. The propper phrase is:

Once for all time.

It has been corrupted over the years .... grrrrrr

I'm with you, Chai, although I must confess to having used 'ball park figure' myself on occasion.

One thing that irritates me beyond all reason is the 'Ramsay Street Pronunciation' whereby an inflection is added to the end of every sentence, turning it into a question. There's no way of dealing with this either - people simply don't know they're doing it so mocking it sarcastically or even asking them not to do it just doesn't have any effect?



F

Oh yes, there's more:

People who use 'and' when they mean 'to' (written only; it's acceptable in speech) as in "I'm going to try and improve my English grammar."

People who use 'different from' or even 'different than' instead of 'different to'.

F

My utter contempt citation goes to "at the end of the day". There are others, but that will do for now. It's verbal wallpaper, and a way of avoiding thinking of something more apposite.

"Can I get...?Rather than, "May I have..."
What's wrong with bringing Spring to mind every day ?

Well now, welcome to the new thread, my dears. Delighted to have brought so many of you out into the open. Fathom, I fear you are in the wrong over the correct preposition for use with "different."

"Different from" is actually correct, though less often used that "different to!" Similar to/different from is the pedantic truth of the matter. The American "different than..." is ...well..American, a different language which happens to share many of the same words, but is deeply different from ( please note ) English usage.

Adelaide, glad to hear you loathe "at the end of the day," me too. It's right up there with "ongoing situations."

And now for today's input.
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Luke Skywalker and Obiwan Kanobi were taking a brief break from their inter galactic antics, and went down to Henley for the rowing regatta. After spending some time watching the big serious races with eight-man boats, and then having a few bets on the side on the sculls, Luke said he was getting bored and fancied watching the middle-sized boats for a bit. Indeed, he might place a bet if he could find any takers.

"Good luck, Luke," said Obiwan, " and may the fours bewitch you!"

Gobshite.

No, it's definitely 'different to'.

And just for that, take this:

Clubbers in Yorkshire have found a new way to increase the intensity of the buzz provided by Ecstasy.

They inject it directly into the mouth.

This new method of delivering the drug to the blood-stream is called....







E by gum.




I also agree with Adelaide; 'at the end of the day' is just as bad as the Glaswegian 'djunowha-ahmean?' and the teenage 'innit'.

F

Hi Chaiwallah.Thanks for the welcome
You asked for it...............

He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?


He said...Do you love me just because
my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.


He said..."This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."


She said...What do you mean by
coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.


He said...Since I first laid eyes on you,
I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.


He said...You have a flat chest
and need to shave your legs,
have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?


He said...Why do you women always try
to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.


He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.


He said...Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one last final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled heap. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hands trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his
wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula; “Leave!” she said, “they’re for the funeral”.

 


A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over a curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
 For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Fathom..........different from, From, FRom, FROm, FROM.

As for "E by gum," I'll have to chew on that***************



C \|/

P'dante,

Crossed messages, so I didn't see yours till just now. Laughed Out Loud. Thanks,

C\|/

More than welcome(or is that a cliche' yet

It's 'different to' I tell you. Yes it is, really. Look it up - there must be an online Fowlers you can check. I'd find you a link if I had full internet access.

There's this nun in the bath and she hears a knock on the bathroom door. "Who is it?" She calls out. "The blind man." Comes the reply. So she thinks, well, if he can't see me it won't matter. "Come in." She calls.

"Hello-oh. Wow what great t*ts! Where do you want this blind fitted?"

F

Well Fathom I concurred with Chai in differing *from* you on the question of "different to", but lo and behold the Shorter Ox, arbiter of correctness, gives "Different . . . Const. from, also to, than, *against, *with" -- the asterisks standing in for obelisks denoting obsolete usages. So let's bury that particular hatchet (having noted that "from" is mentioned first) and get on with the business of gripes.

Them jokes up above -- have you sent them to "Tell Us A Joke" F19585?thread=76493 ? Or is that where you got them?

My bugbear is shop assistants, waiters and other service providers telling me graciously that doing something entirely within their job description is "no problem". Sell me a pint of ? I'd bloody well hope that wouldn't threaten to become problematic.

Alright I'll accede to 'different from' then.



Now here's one you'll surely agree with; people who use 'span' (usually racing drivers and commentators) when they mean 'spun'. It makes me literally boiling. (Another misuse I cringe at: 'literally' when they mean 'practically' or 'virtually'.)

F

While you were graciously ceding, I did a google and found a conversation including a quote from Fowler's at http://www.grammarmudge.cityslide.com/board/board_topic/1268580/62299.htm

When I was at school near the end of the first half of the 20th century (listen up -- we're talking history here!) it would have been more than my life was worth to use "different than" or "different to". (Note BrE position of 'period' known to me as a 'full stop'.)

[. . .] you will see the following comments on the history of the construction from Fowler's Modern English Usage as some support for that view:

"The OED lists examples of each of the three constructions from the dates indicated: different from 1590, different to 1526, different than 1644. In the 20c. a marked preference for different from has been shown in BrE; in the same period different than has flourished in AmE, but so too has different from. In both countries, in all kinds of circumstances, different to has been widely perceived as a credible alternative..."

Now, with that kind of history I have a sneaking feeling that we will not find a final answer to this conundrum.

No problem, mate.