h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

R'man, you flatter me - I had no hand in the Secret Diaries (wish I had though, they are terribly funny)

I've retired from LOTR fic... probably.

The lend/borrow thing is rife in Middlesborough. It drives me insane. They also do the rob/steal thing.

Oh, and another one which drives me potty:

"I'll give you an invite to the party"

INVITE IS A VERB!

Access used to be a noun . . .

I've just been watching Grumpy Old Men on BBC2

It's disturbing for two reasons:

1) I think I'm turning into one (which is horribly disturbing really, since I'm not old and I'm not a man. Grumpy I'll hold my hand up to)

and

2) I'm beginning to fancy Jeremy Clarkson

Yes I'm worried that I'm turning into a BOF.

Still, its worse for women, at least I don't fancy Jeremy Clarkson.

>> ...though (being Canadian) I sometimes confuse bring and take. <<

Me too but it comes and goes.

~jwf~

<< "Carmencita's just his *senior heater*, >>

That's one I haven't heard - Cheers

Still can't define between Canadian and American (no insult intended)

<>




az

Dear Wordsmith_Mike,

I'm surprised you dare indulge a usage such as "define between...." on this thread. We grumpy old men ( or boring old farts ) tend to pounce on such unwary slips. Either define, or distinguish between.

BTW I'm delighted you hadn't heard *senior heater*/senorita, as I made it up. Glad to know it was original with my diseased and twisted mind.

And while we're at it, look, it's groan again.......( this one is crude, so skip it if you're the sensitive sort.)
*************************************************************

Paddy and Mick were going for a holiday to Malaga on Ryanair's cheapest of cheap flights. ( For our TransAtlantic colleagues, Ryanair is Ireland's and Europe's cheapest of budget airlines...but I digress...) Being the cheapest of cheap flights, and at peak season, the plane was being flown by a novice pilot.

Over the Bay of Biscay, notorious for its storms, they hit severe turbulence. A more experienced pilot wopuld have taken the plane up above the cumulus clouds, and avoided it, but, as you remember ( it was only four lines ago ) the pilot was a novice. The ride became alarmingly rough. Glasses flew across the cabin. Paddy closed his eyes tight, and started saying "Hail Mary"s. Mick went very pale, undid his seatbelt saying:
" Let me out of here for the love of Jazus before we all crash!!!"
He leapt up from his seat, ran for the exit, screaming in fright and, oops, shat himself, down the trouser-legs and onto the floor it rolled. Right in the aisle lay a steaming heap of less-than-charming Irish shite.

In due course he was restrained, the turbulence passed, and the voyage continued. The unfortunate air-hostess who cleaned up after Mick turned to her colleague and said,"Now I know what they mean by a pile o' terror."

Cheers,

C \|/

The lend/borrow thing came up on Coro Street the other night! (We're 6 months+ behind you here, so it was a while ago from your p.o.v., Todd and Sarah being rebuked by Norris Cole.) Have any Coro fans ever noticed how Norris Cole looks just like the Australian PM John Coward?

"Pile o' terror!" Wonderful!

Flaming Norah, Chai! I had to read that about 6 times...

Yep - a litle hard, as I was reading it an Irish accent. Keep up the good work.

Try listening to "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" - this old radio show thrives on word play.

Grammar is not my strong point - I even get it queried by my "German" colleagues at work !!!!

I find that my German colleagues can be very helpful for some grammar questions - where I'm not sure if I'm using an ungrammatical colloquialism or not in an official letter.

We can thank our lucky stars with English, however. When I hear the Germans going hammer and tongs over some point on which they don't agree I just nod and smile in a superior sort of way.

And when they ask me about a point of grammar that I can't quite explain I just tell them "we do it to annoy foreigners, just accept what I tell you!"

I work in the Engineering/Construction sector, so English grammar is not so important, I usually just tell them that's what I always use.

Sometimes it is really hard when they ask me to check their wording, as the phraseololgy is often outside of my "norm", and I fall into the trap of using their structure of sentences / concepts to get a point across.

Look, it's groan again******************************************

After a long and dusty ride along the trails into Dodge City, Hank, Lee, Marvin and Doc were kinda hot and thirsty. Unfortunately for them, the sheriff, Wyatt Earpp, had closed the place down and declared that one day a week was going to be temperance day, ( though more likely to make people worse tempered, and antsy...anyhow, I digress..)

So after much cussin and blindin, H,L, M and Doc rode on through town and stopped at Juanita's TexMex juice bar on the outskirts where the Preacher, the deadbeats, Mexicans, Chinese laundry-workers, and Indian scouts hung out. From the window of his upstairs room in the bordello, Wyatt watched them go, a wry grin on his face.

"Another passle of trouble avoided," he thought, and got back to the job in hand, as you might say. ( Where is this story going??? Nowhere, but just hang in there, pardner...)

Meanwhile, in the TexMex juice bar, H,L,M and Doc asked for the most thirst-quenching, heat-reducing, appetite slaking drink in the house, and were duly served a Xxxxtra-dri Bitters with Aloes, Lime and Grapefruit.
Which they each duly downed in one macho swallow, as befits professional gunslingers and trouble-makers.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaahh, jeeeeeeeeeezus kerrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiist," they gasped as a man. "Now that is really dry, like bitter, like raw," they gasped. "Give us some water," they croaked, somewhat humiliated to be shown up as wimps.

"Come on fellas, " said Doc, "Let's get the hell out of this goddam dry hole and head on down to Deadwood, where at least we kin get us some whiskey."

And off they went into the sunset, a trail of dust swirling in the breeze behind them.

"Phew," said the Preacher, who'd been watching their every move, "Now that's what I calls a close shave."
"Why, Preach?" asked Juanita,"Who were they?"
"Those, my dear," said the Preacher knowingly," were the Four Horsemen of the Up-puckered lips."

C \|/

OH dear,

That last seems to have scared everyone off this delightful patch.

Oh well, look, it's groan again***************************

Mrs. Bucket, who preferred to be known as Mrs. Boooooquet, was ever so fond of observing the little social niceties that kept her chin above the common herd. Not least among these observances was her professed horror at the sight of a tea-leaf floating around in the tawny-golden liquid that graced her finest Royal Worcester bone china teacups.

To which end, she acquired, who knows where, an antique silver sieve through which to strain her tea ( when there were guests who needed impressing.) The strainer performed its function excellently, and Mrs. Booooquet was delighted.

There was only one small problem. When she tried to clear the tea-leaves out of the strainer, they refused to budge. This was not as it should be, and she became, behind the fixed smile, a trifle agitated.

Later she remarked to Mr. B, "I declare I don't know what's wrong with that strainer, the tea-leaves simply wouldn't come out of it."
"Ah," said Mr. B knowingly, "that, my dear, would probably be because it is adhesive......"


Cheers,

C \|/

That was just so funny, Chaiwallah! What a dreadful groaner, but I puns...

My hated verbal faux pas is 'moot point'.
I use it on occaision to mean a debatable point (from it's origins, where moot refers to the ancient courts of Britain, whereissues were debated).
Many people that I know tend to say and use it as 'mute point', which is almost the oppposite of what it should mean.

OK - I take no responsibility for this, as it is a direct copy from a colleague

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

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