h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The kangaroo changed back into the hit man he had been at the point he was originally introduced into this story. The magic, however, let him do two things: the first was to realize that this wizard claimed to be Merlin. The second was that it couldn't be the original Merlin because his brother was an Elvis impersonator/mechanic! "Who are you!" the hitman screamed. Merlin gazed at what had been a kangaroo the same way a cow looks at a car coming at it on the road. "It's time I told someone, I guess. This is my story. . ."

...5 hrs. hours later and twenty six page loads the hit man committed suicide and Merlin hadn't even reached chapter two. Merlin decided to find his brother when suddenly a bus (yes another one) smashed into him. It was unable to stop because it was going 70 mph due to a report of a crazy bus chaser in the area. Luckily for Merlin...

who couldn't be the original Merlin since he had a brother, he was a wizard enough to avoid being smashed. He moved himself to a safe place in a wood far far away from any city, and sat down to think.

Meanwhile Lucy was in Australia, working in a bar, thinking about Arthur that had moved away withouth her. She was in a really depressive mood because of this, when a deep voice suddenly said; "Martini on rocks, shaken not stirred, please".
She looked up in astonishment, hoped to see Arthur but what she instead there was just as good.

It was only a Nerf bus, and the rumours of it's having a bomb attached that would explode if it tried slowing down below 60MPH were greatly exaggerated, because it decelerated quite suddenly as it smashed into him, flattening into a fly-sized orange speck with all the air squished from it. Possibly Merlin flicked it off his robe sleeve and peered into the distance, wondering how a Kangaroo got to California anyway (the sight of an oncoming bus hurtling at you at 70MPH tends to eradicate short-term memory) before realizing that majik was afoot.

Merlin reached into the pockets of his robes, hoping for something with a bit more firepower, but came up with only a smallish supersoaker (as supersoakers go) and fired it at the scenery. After several refills the scenery finally started melting and he found himself in the middle of the Outback, standing beside a dead Kangaroo which was lying in front of his Jeep Cherokee. "*sigh*" he thought..

Peering into the shimmering heat, he espied a rickety-looking pub. Ahh.. Now here's ....

Vakkie, How on -earth- did we do that?

(this could come after either...)

A rich-looking young lad who looked like the kind of guy who had a martini every day with his brunch.

Lucy, seeing Possibly Merlin walk into the bar, ran over to him while calling over her shoulder "Death, you serve this pretentious twit". Death muttered under his breath "I've been trying to for 30 years, but he just transforms into some younger actor". While death is busy shaking, Lucy hugs Merlin and says ...

"Merlin," (she didn't know this couldn't be the original Merlin), "could you please change my eyes into regular eyes. It was fun at first, and I can't even remember how they got this way, but it's time that I had eyes I didn't need to go to the repair shop to fix."

Meanwhile, Pestilence decided it was time he got back to work. At first he thought he could fill in for Death, but he realized he didn't meet the job standards. He was, however, given a complimentary scythe for trying. Depressed, he went back to the bar in Australia, jumping over the dead kangaroo that somehow entered this non-living state without any help from Death.

Merlin decided to make himself useful by recollecting chapter two into something comprehensible. But he failed due to some confusion involving the english and metric system. So he turned to drinking and hit the bottle hard. He would have kept on like this if the Danish Royal family hadn't bought the bar and turned it into a sushi place. Death lost his job and went to the unemployment office, soon Merlin and Lucy followed him there.

Also at the unemployment office was Tallulah, but he/she really doesn't do anything very important in this scene, so we'll just forget she was there. I only mention it because it seems relevant to the story.

The unemployment office gave lucy, merlin, and death unemployment checks. Each put their checks in the banks which after y2k promptly exploded. Without any money Merlin, Lucy, and Death pooled their resources and tried to invest. One week later they were homeless and made money by dancing on the street in front of a hat.

But within hours the hat snuck off with all the cash, so that left them just as broke (but not more so) than when they started. It's amazing how much people will pay to see death dance, though...

As the trio stumbled along the road, in deep depression, Merlin noticed that the road was paved with yellow bricks. A thought nudged his brain: this reminded him of something. He looked at the thought from all angles and finally decided it made most sense looking at it backwards. This didn't help him remember what it reminded him of, but it made him very hungry for some breakfast sausages. Just then Death broke into song: "If I only had a corporeal body ... ". After his verse, Lucy joined in and sang "If I only had normal eyes...". Then Merlin joined in and sang "If I only ...

"I knew what I am doing here! I'm a wizard! I don't have to beg for money!"
And before Lucy would have time to say "cake" the wizard had got plenty of money for all of them.
"Cool," Lucy said, and went to Australia where she bought a house and opened "Lucy's cafè" in the basement.

Meanwhile, P.A realised life was not so fun without Lucy, and that he missed her, and wanted her back. The question was; HOW???

Now, when the question is "HOW???", one can often find oneself doing crazy things to try to get results. P.A. ran out of the bar, leaving his new friend Famine, and ran around screaming "LUCY!!!"

As he was running, he had a sudden brush with Death. "Hey, Lucy's in Australia, not here." Death said to P.A. P.A. said "thank you" and hitched a ride (sorry) on the next boat to Australia. Unfortunately, as he was leaving New Zealand, which as we all know is the headquarters of the Three Blind Mice Inc., his bus was hijacked. The Three Blind Mice rounded everyone in the yacht to the main deck, where they demanded. . .

ten big boxes of fruit covered in chocolate, something that was really difficult to find on a ship.
"But you can have some fruit from my eyes," tried P.A desperately. His eyes were, for the moment, cherries. The mice just made a face of him.
"No!" Then big boxes of fruit, or you lives... of course, riding a unicycle while rubber chickens made of Bob Evans breakfast sausage while singin follow the yellow brick road backwards in e-major, could also do."

Possibly Arthur decided that, since the Mice were blind anyway, they could just give the mice boxes that had the scent of chocolate and fruit. However, when the boxes were delivered to the mice. . .

suddenly many more not-so-blind mice swarmed into the room! And then, with a roar.....

They began to sing "Follow The Yellow Brick Road" backwards in E major while juggling rubber chickens, and riding unicycles made entirely out of Bob-Evans breakfast sausage.

Possibly Arthur decided to follow their example, and did the same. Thus, he was the only one with any food when the boat crashed.

When Possibly Arthur came to, he found himself on the shore of a beach. Of to the north was a small light house.

As Possibly Arthur started exploring the beach, gradually wandering up to the lighthouse, he found . . .

..a lighthouse with no lights so he headed up to it, and...