h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Mine was more of a gentle

A few years ago I was waiting in the lift lobby at work for one of the lifts to arrive to take me down. There was a ting! to indicate an approaching lift and the doors opened to reveal a bloke I worked with standing in the lift already. But the lights abve the door had broken so I didnt know if the lift that had stopped was going down or going up to another floor.

'Alright *bloke* Is this lift going down?'

Bloke looks at me confused for a second then replies

'What lift?'

When something may happen, but is unlikely to happen soon, people say "...but don't hold your breath!"

Erm, how many people *DO* hold their breath while waiting for things?

My two favourites that I use on the kids in a sarcastic way:

'I've told you a million times before; stop exaggerating'

and

'If you fall over and break both your legs, don't come running to me'

A conversation at work today:

"I'm going to be at the dentist tomorrow morning."
"Oh...is there something wrong with your teeth?"

No. There's something wrong with my arse. That's why I'm going to the dentist.

RF

Well, where do you do most of your talking from?

My new fun to do thing is to stare blankly back at the person who makes the daft comment.

Just now someone came by my office and said "You're in today?". I wanted to make a witty retort but it was before lunch so I just stared blankly and they said "oh, yea, stupid remark, huh?"

"Wisdom is knowing that asking the right questions will bring you the answers"

RF

One that irritates me is "You got here all right, then?" Well, you're talking to me, so I obviously got here. On one occasion, though, I was nearly late, despite allowing an hour extra in case I got lost. The map I'd been sent was rubbish. It had 'landmarks' on it - pubs and such - but I didn't pass any of them. Yes, I came in to the town on the road indicated, and I *tried* to follow the directions, but it still took me over an hour to find the place I was trying to get to. It didn't help that the site's sign was only visible from one direction. Major things like a big supermarket at the roundabout before the turning I needed were missing. So when the receptionist said, "You found us all right, then?" I told her exactly what I thought of the map I'd been sent. There were a couple of men who knew the area waiting there, so I showed them the map. They thought it was useless, too.

"You nearly ready then hon?" when I'm rushing around still in me undies with a towel around my head and no make-up applied..

When you're in the only available toilet and people shout.

"hurry up Im bursting"

Well obviously the arent bursting but what actually gets me is the idea that you can "hurry up".

I recently had a tooth extracted. Like a fool, I told some people at work about this. And yes, after the fact, they came up to me and asked "how's your tooth?"

I had to reply "It's fine. The hole it came out of hurts like buggery*, though."

RF

* Metaphorically speaking...I wouldn't know about literally.

Re: "You nearly ready then hon?"

Speaking as a man, this comment is not so much a question, more a case of a nicer way of saying -

"For heaven's sake, the taxi is due here in two minutes, I've been ready for half an hour (despite having to have changed my trousers after peeing myself, due to the hour and a half you were locked in the bathroom "getting ready"), and you are still in your bloody underwear!! HURRY UP!!"

'There was this bloke called Nostradamus and he predicted World War I and II and he predicted Hitler's name and loads of stuff that came true and he predicted World War III will start this year'.

Did he predict the winner of Big Brother as i want to put a bet on

"I cant hear a thing with all this noise"

Wasps: "If you don't hurt them they won't hurt you".

I've been stung about fifteen times in my life and on ever occasion I was minding my own business and on some occasions and wasn't even aware a wasp was there.

My mum said to me once while a wasp was flying around me, "just keep still and it wont bother you"....

Cheers mum the bloody bugger stung me on the cheek

Reminds me of that other one when confronted by a wild animal:

"He's more scared of you than you are of him"

Yea right, cant quite see the lion cacking himself when there is some quivering wreck of a human in front of him, the lion thinks 'food' the human thinks 'oh sh*t'