h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

>> it seems he does act as a good father

Kids come first, second, third and always.

They didn't ask to be born, and they are at their most fragile for a relatively short time.

Yes, a couple of decades is a large chunk of an adult's life, but they are two decades which can make or break the entire future of the child.

Good for her, I say.

B

From what I've read the prevailing view appears to be:

Being faithful = continually and mutually committed to a relationship.

Being unfaithful = withdrawing commitment in a relationship.

So where one person ceases to "keep their end up" in a relationship, the other is not being unfaithful if they turn elsewhere, as the first person has been unfaithful to the relationship already?

Hoo this interests me.

"Women need men because they provide:
- sex
- companionship
- money
- help with childcare
- support with life's mundane requirements"

What are "lifes mundane requirements"?

Do you think your your list is exhaustive?

one love

Two wrongs don't make a right. I don't agree with the suggestion that because one partner is not wholly contributing to the relationship then it is OK for the other to fill the void from another source. Understandable, yes, and I wonder how much longer a relationship could continue on that basis anyway.

blicky:

Very quickly:

No, I don't think the list is exhaustive. I wrote it in haste.

"life's mundane requirements" would include things like cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing, decorating, DIY, car maintenance, mowing the lawn, sorting out paperwork, and basically all the other boring stuff that adults just have to do and which is basically easier if you have someone else to do it with/for you.

H.

Ironing?

Looks hopeful!

B

"unfaithful" I think is a feeling more than anything and you KNOW when you are being it and IT is different for everyone to some degree. The old "if you have to ask" applies. I can have certain wild thoughts about Patrick Swaze and not feel bad at all, and even share them with my husband (he still hasn't learned to strip for me though) but yet have much tamer, "innocent" thoughts of just wanting to sit and chat with a certain male friend and then call and feel completely unfaithful. You know what your deepest intentions, vulnerabilities etc., are and we all know when we are being unfaithful and we are all so conditioned to believe it is wrong. Right and wrong and justified are entirely different issues; my grandfather was in hospital for about a decade and my grandmother did have "companionship" upon advice from the town Priest no less. Her "needs" were not wrong as the condition was a certain way; did she feel unfaithful or justified; that is another question entirely. The heart wants what the heart wants but the head knows the cost....

"The heart has its reasons that reason knows not of"
- Pascal

I agree with Teasswill that two wrongs don't make a right.

On the other hand, how honest are most couples with each other? And once they have a 'comfy' existence it seems they often would rather not 'rock the boat' than be totally honest to each other. Not being in that situation, especially one that involves children, I cannot judge them.

I would personally feel that my partner was being unfaithful if he even thought of other women in a desirous or sexual manner. This is perhaps because I am incredibly insecure (I admit it). But it still stands as my personal definition, though it may sound unreasonable to some.

Meanwhile, when I am in a loving sexual relationship I find I just naturally 'shut off' from other men. And I have had the experience in the past when tons of men would come on to me knowing I was involved with someone (though strangely they never turned up when I was 'free') and I would simply tell them I wasn't interested. Because I truly wasn't.

Basically, if my relationship was crap enough that I found myself desiring other men I would end that relationship first before starting anything new. I guess because if that happened to me it would shred my heart into ribbons and I could never do that to anyone else.

Right and wrong seem to be very subjective concepts.

az

When someone chooses to remove sex from the partnership equation, then it is not unreasonable to expect the partner to stray.

However my question was what to do you if your loving, caring, supportive, sexual, partner has an accident, and can no longer partake of sex ?

Are you justified in seeking sex elsewhere because you need it ? Perhaphs your partner feels terrible they can no longer meet this need for you. Does this give you the right to betray the bond that exists between you ?

(Leaving aside children.)

Honesty and trust are odd things.

Trust is important to me.

The most devestating thing my ex ever said to me was "I don't trust you any more". When I asked him how he could say that to me he then said "I don't trust your judgement", which is very different from not trusting my integrity.

I had a partner whom I trusted not to hurt me. He didn't. Cheating was not an issue. I think it is certainly possible he did cheat. However he did not ever give me reason (other than some slightly odd circumstances) for me to think that he was cheating or had cheated. I trusted him *not to tell me* he was cheating, if indeed he was. Telling me would have taken us into a whole new territory, one which would have involved a whole load of difficult and dangerous conversations. Not telling me, but treating me like a queen when we were together (which he did), was fine by me. No mixed messages there. If he so obviously adored me (*sigh*) and put such an enormous amount of effort and time and money into making sure we saw each other, why should I mind if he played away? By not knowing about it I neither had to say 'stop right now' or give him carte blanche to catch nasty diseases and pass them on.

I think openness is vastly over-rated in relationships.

What is important is respect.

There are things about my life I do not share with other people, (hard though that may be to believe if you read my posts here on hootoo). There are things about my marriage should and will always remain private between myself and my ex. There are things about the previous history of any lover which should never be asked about, never shared with new partners.

That respect for the other person's privacy is part of the deal. And it makes what is shared much more precious, much more of a gift.

Works for me. Consider it though, rather than a manifesto.

Ben

>> However my question was what to do you if your loving, caring, supportive, sexual, partner has an accident, and can no longer partake of sex ?

Goddess forefend...

>> Are you justified in seeking sex elsewhere because you need it ? Perhaphs your partner feels terrible they can no longer meet this need for you. Does this give you the right to betray the bond that exists between you ?

If trust is dificult to define, then so is betrayal. I think one should try at least to discuss the situation.

I also think that if you truly love your partner then you should show it in every way you can. They will still need human touch. There is an intimacy about touch which need not be sexual. I enjoy massaging feet, but it is rare in this culture to be given the opportunity to do that other than in the context of a relationship which is sexual. There is a thread elsewhere about sleeping with people and simply holding and cuddling them. One of the most moving sexual encounters of my life involved simply holding and being held by someone for twenty minutes or so before we were ready to move on and explore further.

Touch matters. It is very often what single people and widowed people miss the most.

There are ways of separating love from sex, and it is possible to show deep love without f**king someone.

Equally, it is possible to have sex with no more than friendship and mutual appreciation.

If you can convey that to your damaged partner - then do it - and go out and find the sexual relief you need.

If you can't - then I would not blame anyone who still did every single thing they could to protect their partner from hurt and then went out and got laid.

Ben

My question was, incidently, hypothetical.

I would hope that if the situation arose I pray I could be big enough to allow my partner the latitude required. (But being the miserable selfish basket I am I doubt it.)

When single I slept with many of my female friends, because we wanted to, or because we needed to, or just because we were there. To do that now would be a betrayal of my partner.

Strangely as long as it remained at that level we remained friends, it was only when it developed into a 'relationship' that it all went belly up.