h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

dont think she is likely to do it again, you cant loose everything that you have, and try and build it back again for nothing...i mean everything, job, house, respect, family. i just finished writing a novel of a reply and came up with an answer...wait and see, but dont hold my breathe for anything....gotta learn to take charge of my life, since i am the only one that is living it. and you cant control anything that others do, just hope that they will always do the right thing for themselves. it is great to have a place to get some feedback in though, and thanks for everything talk to you soon take care wildiris dont need to take any risks in my life right now, not if i dont know where i am going and what i will be doing

just as a side note, i dont think that there have been any men conversing here, if i am wrong i apologize, but if i am right, what does that say about us women?? we think too much i suppose take care wildiris

Yes. Trust is a complete bugger...

You are clearly thinking about this a lot. Do you write a journal? For me, writing stuff down helps me sort through what I am thinking and feeling. But then, I think in words. Other people do the same thing by going for long walks, or playing music.

Whatever happens now, it will be different from how it was before. That isn't necessarily a bad thing - remember my friends where he was cheating on her? As I said they are happier now than they were before, and I think their relationship is stronger.

Most people know the answers to their problems; they just don't necessarily have the nerve (me included) to follow through.

Keep on posting here, honey, or drop by my user space.

Whatever you do - I really hope it works out well for you.

Ben

You are right wildiris, I can only see one man posting here.

Maybe it says that women think before they f**k. Actually, of course, we don't.

Maybe we think *after* we f**k more though? And maybe we think about context more - the relationships that the sex is taking place within.

Hmmm.

Maybe the guys are just scared we'll shred 'em to pieces if they post here.

Come on - we're nice, thinking, caring women. We won't do that to you.

Ben

I don't think we're hanging back through fear, Ben, I know I'm not. I've only had one partner, my wife. I suspect that a lot of people who know me in RL wouldn't necessarily believe that.

I have thought about adultery (one night stand type thing while away from home) but I have never been able to act on the thought. I can't betray the trust I have in my wife or her trust in me.

I think adultery starts with the breaking of that trust and that would be a hard thing to regain.

It is.

trust is the worst, it is sooo hard to give, then once it is given, and it is broken you dont want to give it again!!! ever!! but we have to or we will live a very lonely life. unless you enjoy being a hermit. thanks alot for everything, i do my writing here, right now. with everyone to read, for some reason i dont think about the people that are going to read it, and react...not true i did censor myself the other day. take care wildiris will check out your site ben

I believe guys have feelings and worries the same as women, just that their approach to dealing with problems is more internalized and in a no-nonsense, solve-the-problem-now way. I had to explain to my boyfriend that often when I'm talking or complaining about something, I already know the solution, but I simply need to vent. It's taken a long time for him to simply listen and not try to cut me off after every sentence with advice on how I could logically proceed.

On the flip side, I've learned to stop asking him to share his feelings all the time when he seems mopey or distant. He's told me that when he needs to vent, he will. If he wants to talk about a problem, he will. Otherwise, he wants to be left alone to logic the puzzle out without interference.

Oh those male silences....

There was an email doing the rounds a while ago - I cannot remember the details, but a couple go out for the evening.

It lists what she is thinking because he is a bit quiet, and she starts worrying that they are going to split up. It goes through the entire evening, and everything which is going on in her mind. When they get home they go to bed together, do the business, and he rolls over and goes to sleep. By this time she is convined their relationship is terminally on the rocks.

Then it goes through his thought processes. His memory of the evening was: "went out, got a shag, Lions won"

Ben

Hello all!

Some of us are slow readers...

Yesterday, when I found this thread, I arrived at around the 30th post (out of about 50 or so) and I was intrigued, so I went back to the start... and it didn't take long to realise this has been a predominantly female thread, which makes it quite special...

In reading the b*log, I was tempted to reply to numerous threads but felt it somehow inappropriate to butt in.

But as luck would have it, as I reached the *end*, there lay a "challenge*...

So, here I am, a male... who unfortunately has to log off in a few minutes... but I'll be back

Yours "faithfully"

six7's

maybe it is a challenge for men to talk about their feelings because things are that easy in thier mind... watched oprah yesterday, and realized how much we complicate things, by our need to talk...it was about the gap between women in their 40-50 and 20-30 didnt think that their was one, until i saw the show. maybe we could learn a few lessons from men didnt mean to change the subject, seems i have done that a few times, but i think that we will agree that most of us faced with this dilemma of unfaithfulness, it depends on many things how we react to the situation, but morally we think it is wrong. the point i was trying to make, we have to look at all angles of the situation, before we make a firm decision. take care wildiris

Hi Wildiris,

Wondered how you are doing with your trust thing, hope all is going ok.

This isn't particulary written about your situation Wildiris, just notes on how you got me thinking(kind of floating thoghts cos most of my brain is meant to be commited to my assignment) some of the sentances have stuck in my mind. Like you have to see things from all angles, I think that's true, or at least I find it helpful and fascinating to try and identify where people are really coming from. That said it doesn't do to be to be too 'understanding' in that sometimes (and I think that maybe women to this more than men) in that we excuse people's behaviour on grounds of their issues without encouraging/demanding that they deal with the issues or the consequences of their behaviour, this is particulary so when it comes to partners.

Very vaguely I've looked at my trusting abilities, on the surface of it I seem very trusting but I realise that I'm not, trust needs to be earned and I guess I'm abit of a taskmaster, I do though always act in good faith. I don't have barriers I let people in and I'm open and honest and prepared to take risks but there is a differnece between the acting in good faith and trusting someone.

K, I'm going to have to go Love Peanut xx

Sorry I sort o drift in and out of these converstions.

As a man I do worry about unfaithfullness - both on the part of my b/f and more so on my part.

Why do I worry about me being unfaithfull? Because I spend a lot of time away on business and as a consequence seem to go out a lot more than my partner does.

I think for men, maybe just gay men?, there is a line that we draw between playing around and being unfaithfull. For most of us if it is anonymous sex with someone we do not know, will never see again and will not have a relationship with then we do not seem to consider it being unfaithfull.

I know that this sounds fairly contrived and pretty shallow, well it did to me as I wrote it, but having had many discussions with friends in long term relationships this seems to be the norm.

I think that's really the same as a few of us were saying further up - that it's the intention that counts. If your partner is having long meaningful conversations with a significant other every night and deliberately excluding you that matters a great deal, whereas the quick shag behind the filing cabinets that doesn't connect with his emotions doesn't really mean anything.

I once made the mistake of asking my husband "Who do you love most, her or me?" He thought for a while and answered "Well, she isn't half as sexy as you".
That was devastating.
It would have been far easier to handle if it had been the other way round.
Bodies don't matter half as much as minds.

Makes sense to me. I haven't had to think about it from personal experience, but I follow the logic.

Ben

well ross, having been in the gay community for a while, i know that what you say is true, that it is not considered unfaithful, and i think that it sucks...we have been used to degrading our body, the whole "gay" scene tells us to be very sexual, that being openly sexual is good...at the clubs anyway. but i still see it as cheating.. why would you put someone else in a position that they are degraded...may be because i was really lost for quite some time, and i thought that it was ok to kiss anyone, flirt and have sex with anyone...but now i realize that most of the time it was the alcohol, and low self esteem that was talking not my head and heart. there are many reasons why it is so hard for gay people to find a good strong relationship...we grow up thinking as a kid that there is something wrong with us...most of us find sanctuary in the gay scene, until we get married, but we carry the unfaithfulness into that relationship, because that is what we are used to....i have been trying to say that politely for a bit..still havent found the right words to say what i mean... think i will stop now, get back to you later take care wildiris

Mmm, its difficult for anyone to have a relationship don't you think, they are just so damned difficult and we are all pushing the boundries when it comes to lifestyle. It has costs, particulary emotional ones and I think it is possibly harder to define your own boundries rather than try to live to the ones that civil society sets for peeps, (hopefully) peeps will be confident about what they want and why because of their own personal experience (the best way to learn is within that context imo) and are then able to set about getting it. Wildiris, what you discribe is no different from the other club scene or Saturday night culture, not fundamentally anyway.

Anyway, I'm going to have to go, which is a shame cos there are a few things that I'd like to discuss, after watching the truth about gay sex that I haven't got around to yet, there seemed to be a couple of couples there that were very comfortable and confident about sexual infidelity, the programme didn't ask but I bet that if one of them had been having a coffee on the side with say a work collegue and there was a 'thing' (you know the thing I mean an attraction thing) then that would have been very threatening.

So for some people it is easy enough for them to discern from the sexual and the emotional in given situations and over varying periods of time but for others its imposssible to juggle. I'm still not gone am I?

Love Peanut xx

hey peanut i just read your posting from three days ago directed towards me....the trust thing....really not that sure at the moment, my feelings right now is that i never want to be hurt again, but that is ridiculous, because i will im sure. but if i can avoid it, i will. as for describing any bar on sat night, probably true, but i have not spent much time in the straight meat market, but i am sure that it is just as degrading.... i have found that men are not so keen on commitment, im sure that it is not 100% true, but like i said to a friend last night, he was upset because he saw a man and a girl, i say girl because she was young 20ish, and the man was in his 40's, anyway they were out on a date together, my friend thought that the man wouldnt respect the girl, and i know that it is true, sometimes people just want to get f****d...most times we will sleep with someone for no reason except for the physical attraction. i didnt say what i was going to say, it was a generalization, and realized it while i was typing this, oh what the heck, i said that 90% of men dont respect women....but i suppose that it can be said for us women too....respect like trust is something that is earned...if we put ourselves into a situation inwhich we are degraded, we will be... that is a self respect issue..i like coming to chat here, it lets me see what my values and morals are...we should discuss all kinds of issues...great space thank you take care wildiris will be back

hey peanut i just read your posting from three days ago directed towards me....the trust thing....really not that sure at the moment, my feelings right now is that i never want to be hurt again, but that is ridiculous, because i will im sure. but if i can avoid it, i will. as for describing any bar on sat night, probably true, but i have not spent much time in the straight meat market, but i am sure that it is just as degrading.... i have found that men are not so keen on commitment, im sure that it is not 100% true, but like i said to a friend last night, he was upset because he saw a man and a girl, i say girl because she was young 20ish, and the man was in his 40's, anyway they were out on a date together, my friend thought that the man wouldnt respect the girl, and i know that it is true, sometimes people just want to get f****d...most times we will sleep with someone for no reason except for the physical attraction. i didnt say what i was going to say, it was a generalization, and realized it while i was typing this, oh what the heck, i said that 90% of men dont respect women....but i suppose that it can be said for us women too....respect like trust is something that is earned...if we put ourselves into a situation inwhich we are degraded, we will be... that is a self respect issue..i like coming to chat here, it lets me see what my values and morals are...we should discuss all kinds of issues...great space thank you take care wildiris will be back

sorry guys didnt mean to post it twice, having trouble with connection, yeah peanut there is way too much i want to discuss here as well...gotta go though and do some job search fun stuff, now you know why i am procrastinating... take care wildiris