h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How do i deal with this. Or maybe i shouldnt deal with it. Im 23, he is 35. I wanted to find out how it was to be with someone a bit older, thought it would make me feel secure, and maybe he would take care of me...but hey. He is just an emotional ticking bomb, babytalking, getting grumpy and mad. Wants to watch porn (!?) EVERY day. (i have been with younger guys and they where just to into me to watch stuff when i was around), whats that about!? I love him, and i hate him. I went from europe to the states to be with him. But whats the deal? He never used to be like that! Ever since i told him i dont like porn, he seems to have found new interest, and when i show my disaprovement, it seems to satisfy him... like a mean kid. Is there something wrong with him or is it me? Every time i show any emotion back, he calls me a psycho... Manipulative?

Im to young to be miserable like this...

Dearest Zap,
Yes you are too young to be this unhappy. Unfortunately, and idealistically this is what youth is all about. Men, you can't shoot them. Oh, I'm sorry,ahem, I meant to say, You can't live with them, you can't live without them. Right....that's the ticket. And I hope he sent you the ticket to return from Europe to play his game. He is younger than you, you are right, your boyfriend is a big baby. He is enjoying playing it too. If there is anyway you can get out of this deal he has handed you, do so immediately. Do not waste another precious, and I do mean precious, as I am sure you are in all your youthful splendor, time on this manipulative manchild. You and every other womanchild in the world deserves more than his kind is capable of giving. PS, I love men, don't get me wrong. This guy may even be one, doubtful, but he may be a grownup somewhere. He is not with you. He is playing off of your idealism and innocense. Tell him to "Get OFF!" without you ASAP. Life can bee Sweet!
Worlds of Love,
JLC

Yeah, I'd say something similar. But the guy was nothing at all like this when you first met then?

He has to be at the worst age (mid-thirties), that is until he gets to his forties and that's even worse. The sad fact is that many (but by no means all) men behave in exactly the way you described.

There is no solution - you cannot change him and his attitude (dis-respect) towards your feelings means, IMHO the relationship is heading for disaster.

There is nothing wrong with dating a man that much older than you, except for if they develop 'bad habits' you may not have the experience/maturity to deal with them.

I have one ex-husband and four teenage sons and , believe me, they are all big babies - the older they get the worse they become. However, there is nothing really wrong with that unless, as in your case, they start to behave like spoilt brats.

I would seriously suggest trying to find someone else, before he hurts and humiliates you too much - it will only end up making you bitter, which would be awful.

There are plenty of lovely men out there.........so I've been told!!

He sounds like the majority of the male population! Most never get past 16 and some don't even reach that far. The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys. The only men I've met who weren't interested in the female body wre gay. When you met him first he was out of his territory and therefore his behaviour was different. You saw him as an older, secure male who could provive you with the comforts you need. He, on the other hand saw you as someone to provide him with nourishment for his pleasure centres. What is he like when he is with his mother?

Alji

"The only men I've met who weren't interested in the female body wre gay."

Yeah, what did you expect? So what is your point with that?

Leave him. Start again. Even if it takes what seems like forever and you begin to wonder if you should have just put up with him. NO. Don't stick with something you know is wrong, something very right could be waiting for you, be it man, other entity, job, life experience, wjatever. It's fairly clear, he. aint. it.

good luck and congrats on admitting there is a problem.

FABT

Sounds like it's time to move on. You might want to give some thought to being on your own for a while, rather than looking for some other guy to take care of you. There are some lovely men out there who aren't big babies and who know how to have respectful partnerships with women, but they generally seem to be looking for women who have as much to offer as they do.

Completely aside from the relationship issue, it's a wonderful feeling to know that you can be self sufficient, and you'll realize that you don't have to accept disrespect from anyone in order to survive.

Bon courage, and take care of yourself!

Hmmmm... Don't think of it as a failed relationship, think of it as an amusing anecdote to relate to friends down the pub in a few years time. Leave now and head off to do something you will enjoy, and don't worry about having another relationship anytime in the near future. At 23 there is plenty of time left to meet, date and dump a whole variety of creeps - just make sure you are having fun along the way!

Did you meet him on the Net? Bound to be a big porn lover then...

You really need to think hard when you are arguing and miserable more than you are enjoying each other's company and that sounds the case. You are so young to be this unhappy when there are hundreds of more balanced blokes out there who will be more considerate to your feelings. Don't just accept him because he is all you are used to. He is taking you for granted and thankfully you are taking the first steps in realising it.
Good luck !

My boyfriend is older then me but only by four years, but i know if i had met him and he was the same age as me i couldn't have coped it's only now when he's more settled i can deal, he can still be a bit manic/childish etc at times.

With the things you didn't expect him to be doing often when relationship start up people are on their best behaviour to keep you interested when they think you are hooked and they don't have to worry anymore thats when you find out what they are really like.

Yeah you've moved countries but that no reason to stay with someone who is making you sad, just think you are lucky to have had the change to live in a different country, it's an experience.

hope it sorts itself out

Thanks everyone for all the thoughtfull responds. As obviously you all understand, he has got some very good qualitys to, othervise i wouldnt put up with all this s**t. He can be very giving with compiments of how beautiful i am and he will love me forever and bla bla bla. And we are very good in bed ...

We have been together for about one year, and during that time we have crossed the continents 4 times. No, he was not like that when we first met. We have a hard situation to deal with also, he came back to the states from spending 4 years in the middleeast... when we met we had both been trou a lot of hard time, hard to explain in a short letter. But since we came back to the states (2 months ago), everything has been weird. About 50% of the time we are together there is something wrong. When i wrote the first message in this conversation was one of these days he is horrible. Isnt there any chanse this will pass? I guess everybody seems to be against me staying with this "a*****e"...

Only you can decide, people have posted here in response to what you said originally. It's clear there is more to it from your last post so only you really know the whole picture. Most certainly don't dump him because a few strangers on the internet have said so. Watching porn in front of you without your approval does seem a little odd mind you

MoG, thanks for differeing from the 'all Men are childish and stupid brigade'

yeah i just realized how defensive i got in the last respond... if i compare to the first one. Isnt that just typical!? Sometimes it seems like we are all just characters in a book, the story repeats itself, over and over again...

zapgirl

I hope it all works out for you. its a really trite thing to say; trite but true, but you've got to do what you think is right and what'll make you happy.

i think we've all learnt over the past month or so how precious life is and quick - who wants to spend their time miserable? and if staying with him makes YOU miserable then leave - just pack your bags and keep on running. if you truely think you can work it out with him then try but if there's more bad times than good....

i spent a decade too long in a relationship that was bad. i finally realised that you only get one shot at it - make it count.

good luck

I hate to say this, but although there are 'good times' his behaviour will most probably only get worse. It is so very difficult to decide to leave someone when they are terrible one minute and lovely the next, but you will most likely find that the terrible times slowly and progressively begin to outweigh the good times and before you know it you are permanently miserable.

You are too young to be stuck in a very unhappy relationship because before you know it, you will be older, unhappier and feel that you have wasted your entire life on someone who (you realised at the age of 23) wasn't right for you.

Believe me, I know - I married at 18, realised by the age of 21 I had made a terrible mistake and my life was only going downhill, but it took me another 13 years to drag myself out of it, and now I look back I realise just how much of my life I wasted being desperately unhappy.

At your age, life is for living, don't let anyone ruin it for you. Hope everything works out OK.

...so what you are saying is that its usually harder to leave the longer it goes? I have already been deciding to to leave him once, i packed my bags and i was ready to go... and he just said, yes go ahead go! and i started thinking and i new what is waiting for me in sweden, a life of partying with my friends...im tired of that! Working, going out, having temopairy relationships that i get bored of...and feeling lonely. I used to have a very hard time to stay interested in someone. Geez! i guess you guys are all laughing of what a 23 year old think she has any idea of anything, but what can i say... Anyways...For some reason, he makes me feel like somebody. Or maybe it is that it keeps me so busy dealing with him, that as soon as im by myself i will have nothing to put my mind into.

(thanks this is good for me since i cant really talk to anyone about this, couldnt tell my friends back home or my family cause that would make them worried...thank you h2g2! )

This one was doomed from the start:

"Im 23, he is 35": Do men ever date much younger women looking for anything other than an opportunity to recapture their youth, and play around? Well, I suppose it could be a search for a woman without baggage, which would be damned near impossible to find at his own age (as some of the personal anecdotes in this thread clearly demonstrate). But from what I've seen, it has more to do with a mid-life crisis than anything else. And men who are looking for someone to easily manipulate/dominate would naturally turn to a much younger companion.

"I wanted to find out how it was to be with someone a bit older, thought it would make me feel secure, and maybe he would take care of me..." If these are your reasons for getting together, then you never should have, or at least, it never should have gone this far. The primary basis for any serious relationship should be friendship and mutual attraction, period. Anything beyond that creates unrealistic expectations, unwillingness to adapt to each other, and an eventual weariness with each other. It sounds like this is the case.

If he was willing to let you go, then he isn't truly in love with you. If your best reason for staying is that you would be bored and lonely in Sweden, then you don't really love him. It often amazes me that people have relationship issues at all, when relationships are so simple. Just ask yourself "Why am I here?" If the answer is love, then everything else can be worked out. If the answer is anything else (fear, insecurity, loneliness, etc.), then you should either resign yourself to an unfulfilling, temporary relationship, or simply move on.

It usually becomes much harder to leave the longer you stay. Harder to imagine what your life would be like without him, especially when you don't have a bunch of years of being on your own to balance it with. And as you've said, he isn't all bad. So it becomes easier and safer in a way to try to justify the unacceptable parts with the good bits, and to hope that you can change a person and bring out more of the good, or maybe that you'll eventually become desensitized to the painful stuff.

Try to remember that you ARE somebody. If you don't believe that you have inherent value of your own, and work to develop that for yourself, you'll always be stuck looking to someone else for validation. Sadly, a lot of the people who recognize that are liable to capitalize on your insecurity and play these nasty games with your head just to make sure you feel off balance and dependent on them. It's a control issue, and it'll hurt you. It's not easy to break out of. I know, I've been there once before. I hope you can work this thing out.