h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

See, thats the problem i guess. He never had a father. He grew up alone with his mom. And she was abusing him. I have been putting ALOT of thought into that, wondering what kind of effect that had on him and his behaviour in a relationship. For example, boys who grow up in a family where the father is abusive, they follow the same path and will probably disrespect women, most of the time. If on the other hand the mother is very dominant towards their father they are usually looking for a strong woman. But how does it turn out with NO father? and his mom also had alot of boyfriends, none of them became an acting father to him thou... Anyone whos good in psycology??

Sweetheart, I don't think you should be his therapist.

He needs professional help by the sounds of it.
He's not committed to you, or your relationship.
He says he loves you to keep you, he says what he thinks you want to hear, but actions speak louder than words.
He's not acting like he loves you, is he?

Don't be his therapist, his wet nurse or his mom.

Zappgirl

How are you? People want to know...

Post here, good bad, or indifferent; you are among friends, many of whom have been where you are.



Ben

Perhaps she has left and now is without access to a 'puter

Alji

or then again, he might have stopped her using it!!!!!

No he didnt stop me using it, but i have to admit i keep it secret that i talk to people on the web. I had my birthday tuesday, so i got relly drunk and so did my boyfriend, had a boring night cause we were suppose to go to a club but we where all to drunk to drive (bummer...)

Since i posted the last time everything has been very good between us, he says he wants to stop drinking and we need to try fix our relationship, or else we should break up. And we need to move away from where we are at right now, if everything turns out ok we will be out of here in a couple of months and live in a more modern place. We are kind of living on the country side, im starting to hate it.

Thanx everyone, keep posting, tell me whatever is going on with YOU guys?!

Glad to see you back, I was getting worried!

Alji

Good luck, honey.

You want to know about us?
I'm alone, in an empty house.
Just me & my pc.

I'm looking forward to my parents 60th wedding anniversary party next month and the London meet in Jan.

I am not looking forward to
I'll be spending it alone, just like I was last year.

But I would rather be alone than be with the wrong one.


Can't win can we?

I was just thinking about everything, im not working today and i hate sitting here for myself the whole day. I suspect my boyfriend is a member of some alien organization or something, cause he is so weird. In the morning before he goes to work he is always watching pics on the internet. Usually i dont get up, but sometimes i do and i did this morning. So i get up and kind of made it clear to him i wanted to, you know (make love...hm) but he is reading news. I go back to bed. I hear him going downstairs but i dont think about it that much. Today just a while ago, i think about it and i go downstairs (the basement and laundry is down there) , and there lays my victorias secret catalogs! (its a catalog with sexy underwear). !!!!!!

How can somebody be so weird... i mean...hello! i can take much but this is sooooo humiliating. I just want to cry! i dont understand. as soon as everything is ok between us he does something. And i stopped trying to stop him when he went out to drink, so he stopped doing that. god....i am a stupid stupid girl.

He's never going to change. I think if you dug a bit deeper you'd discover a whole load more 'anti-social' habits of his, you are only aware of the ones you've stumbled upon.

You do really need a break from him to re-assess everything in the clear light of day. Just because you've had a few good days, it doesn't mean he's turned the corner and changed. The problem is there is a reasons for his behaviour and the way he treats you (be it his character/personality, a troubled childhood or even a personality/mental disorder) and, even if he says he's going to change - and thinks he means it - he cannot just alter the way he naturally is.

Have you phoned your mum yet? If not, please do and explain everything to her - you really do need the advice and support of your family.

Best Wishes.

Zappgirl, do please keep posting and let us know how things are going....

Hello! This conversation seems to slow down. If there is anybody out there with the same problems, please tell me!
Hi rainbow! Sorry to not follow your advice, but i can not tell my mom about all my problems over here, she would get to worried. She is on the other side of the planet and that would only leave her fealing helpless. I know there are alot of problems in our relationship, sometimes i hate it, and as soon as i love it there will be another failure from his behaviour. But doesnt everybody have their mental disorders?

Hi Zappgirl

Good to see you online again.

I know that more than one person in this thread is giving advice from personal experience. I was very very lucky because I was only with a man who was manipulative for a short time, but long enough to know that it is incredibly hard to see through their hypnosis.

Your mother loves you. You know that the full story would worry her. You know that you are in a worrying situation.

You Know.

My advice remains that you should buy a ticket home, and phone your mother.

Santa Lucia in Sweden? Christmas Eve? How can you miss them?

Love

a girl called Ben

I was married to a manipulative control-freak for many years - I was desperately unhappy, but no-one around me had the guts to tell me to get out of it - they now all say they wish they had.

The advice I give is from my own painful experience. I was even younger than you when I started my relationship and married him at 18. Now 18 years later he has all but destroyed my life. I would do anything to stop anyone else making the same mistakes. People don't change. If he's not making you happy now, you will never be happy with him, it'll only get worse. But, as I've said before, there will come a time when you are so depressed and demoralised, you won't be able to leave him.

Please phone your mum. I'm a mother of 4 seriously troublesome boys. I've told them to always phone me if they're in trouble or unhappy, whatever it is, I won't mind. That's what mothers are for. Nothing concerns me more than the thought of them being distressed and not contacting me because they thought I'd worry about them.

All you need to do is take one step forward.

Best wishes.

Hey Zappgirl!

I know this sounds harsh but it needs to be said both nicely and rudely.
Snap out of it! You two clearly aren't working out together. He's got too many issues and he takes out his frustrations on you. In the back of your mind you know you can do so much better but you're afraid of losing the good moments and the security.
Well, trust me and every one else. You can and will do better and you'll be happy for it. Your family will support you, you'll gain new friends and your strength and independence will return.
But none of this will happen if you keep giving him a second chance.

And having read your previous posts I think I can get a picture of this guy- not even necessarilly a nasty person, but definitely inconsiderate and a crap boyfriend. Changing location won't fix any of that. Stop looking for other explanations. The bottom line is that you two will never be a happy couple and you're denying yourself what you deserve by staying with him.

The few good moments are not worth all the bad moments.
Remember how you felt when he turned you down, in favour of soft porn and a w**k?
It's demoralizing, I know.
I've had a manipulative control freak for a partner too.
It takes strength to pull away especially when they change their tone the moment you start to stand up for yourself.

I've told you before.
I have grown up children and I would WANT them to phone me, just so I would know.

Please don't think we are all ganging up against your boyfriend.

We are worried about you.
We have all been in your situation.

Call your mother.
Are you afraid she will persuade you to leave him?
Do you feel like you will have *failed*?
I left someone like him and I had a baby.
Believe me, it was much worse.
I'm so glad I did now.
You will be too.

You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, but first you have to respect yourself - ask yourself would you treat anyone the way he treats you?
Why do you put up with it?

I spent 10 years too many with an abusive (physical and emotional) partner.

the turning point for me was telling my dad all about it - okay he was chocolate tea-pot useless when it came to the practical matter of leaving him, but just telling him was enough i think i described it as 'telling a grown-up' Once I'd done told him, leaving my partner seemed the right thing to do. Tell your mum, you'll be surprised.

why are you still with him? love shouldn't be that difficult.

I know what you are saying... I have talked to my mom a little bit about it. Actually i have nt told her half of it, but from the little i did, she asked me to go back to my homecountry. That would mean, staying with my mom for a couple of months or so at first, im gonna have to start all over, again. I have done that before. But i dont know, sweden just doesnt call me back. I guess that is a problem to, im sick of square sweden and my fellow sweeeedes.

I can hear an eko of all of you guys thinking - "what?!"

We are having a good time at the moment, making new plans... Thinking new thoughts, mixing more drinks, shaking another bush....bla bla bla.

Love to you all, talk to ya later!

Take care, honey.

Keep us posted, whatever happens.

Love

Ben

You have said things are good between you before and then a few posts later he has done something else.
It's very unusual on h2g2 to have everyone giving the same advice when a question is asked of us. But just look at all these responses. The only one who would say stay with him would be himself !!
All the mum's have said they would like to know if their daughters/sons are not happy. She's bound to help - she knows and loves you better than anyone.
If you went home, it need only be for a few weeks or a month to get yourself sorted and have some unconditional love and respect. You deserve that. Then, you could go back to the states or wherever you want - but as an independant woman making your own choices about where to go and where to live.
Love should never be this horrible. He is not going to change. You say in one breath that he is going to stop drinking then the next you were all too drunk to drive anywhere. He is still ogling other women via magazines and the internet (my guess is he switched to the news from some dodgy site when you walked in.) Nothing has changed since your first post, but got worse. You don't deserve this. Try and think when you were last truly happy and not adapting to someone elses mood swings. When he's in a good mood, then you breath a sigh of relief and go around on tip toe trying not to upset him. No way to live - especially at 23 when you should be having fun. 23 and with a man you wouldn't wish on anyone else.
Please please please listen to our advice - we can't all be wrong.