h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Do you have any family you can turn to.If so talk to them.Go home if necessary.Put space between you both so you get time to think without him around to manipulate you and keep you off emotional balance.Go meet some pre-boyfriend friends and think about who you are and what your dreams and plans were.Step right back out of the picture and think about what advice YOU would give to someone in your shoes.If you knew a 23 year old in this situation what would you be saying to them?It's not easy to give yourself advice but easier to give that girl some help.
If you don't like anything that is happening to you run.Much better to be out of a relationship BEFORE you set down roots such as starting a family.At 23 it's easier to begin again.Much harder 5 years down the line.

Hope you resolve your problems.
Incognitas who agrees men are big babies BUT they can be retrained.

i also believe they can. Sometimes we have so much fun together... But that can easily get away from him changing in temperature. I was warned even from the first time we met. He wasnt like this at all, but he told me straight out, that he had an "emotional problem". And that the days are hard to get throu for him. I guess in a way i took it as a project to "rescue" him or something. Now i understand this is a very common thing that young girls are doing that to this kind of men. And he is irresistable in a way... Sometimes i have nightmares of that i loose him...! What does that mean?

Like in the morning when we wake up he is always so loving and he talks to me even in his sleep about his feelings to me. But then he want me to be his mommy or something! I hate that! And sometimes i get mad and he runs away in his car and get drunk, then come back and cry at the late hour... He loves me, he hates me...
Oh god!! Im in love with a big baby.

my Girlfriend is a big baby.

It all sounds so familiar. My ex partner is much the same. I unfortunatly keep making the mistake of joining in with her silly games.

One peice of advise whether you stay or go just dont have any kids. The games these people can play with them is even more scary.

Could give you stories of my ones games and tantrums that would curl the wires of your mouse.

Please do! Go ahead and i'll be all ears (speakers?). Maybe we can give eachother advise or something? how old are you and your baby?

Dear Zappgirl,
Not to appear as one of those with tons of baggage but here are the stats: The abused woman makes at least 6 attempts to leave before she finally does. By that time she has put up with so much, her ego is so deflated and she is so isolated from friends and family that things are more difficult. I understand the part of defending him too. It is all a cycle. It takes time to find someone new, the old feelings, the intimacy of someone's touch are difficult to escape. Think about it. There must be something in life that you can immerse yourself in besides him. Get Passionate About Yourself and set a goal. I used to hate that word.Anyway, Good Luck.
WOL,JLC

.....and when after years of abuse you finally leave him, your friends and family will say he can't have been that bad for you to put up with him for so many years - you won't get any sympathy. If it's not working, get out now - believe me, I wish someone had given me that advice years ago!!

Thanks everyone. Everything has been ok for awhile here. But right now im sitting in our house by myself for the whole night, as an out come of something so stupid im embarassed to tell you. He got mad at me, and he took of to go, well i dont know but i guess he went for a drink or something. I have been in the states for about 3 months now, and the only friends i have so far are married...! You know what that means... Its not like i have a girlfriend to call an say "hey wassup, lets have some fuuuuuun"...no. So if he goes off with his Single friends, im alone for the night! Whatever... I have been thinking a lot lately. And we talk about it, that everything is hard for both of us right now... but what the h***!

Hey Zappgirl
for you being there on your own feeling lonely and not knowing what to do for the best. All I can say is please don't take on the project of 'mending' this man. You're young and you're strong and you're YOU and you deserve time to enjoy that. This person seems to be manipulating you and the longer you stay the harder it will be to go. Obviously it's your decision what you do with your life but is this really the way you want to spend your evenings from now on? Left on your own when it suits him but expected to entertain and support him as soon as he asks for it. Sorry to be down but this don't sound good for you. Whatever else you do, please find some friends of your own so you've got people to have fun with and talk to and support you cos it really doesn't sound like your bf is going to do those things for you. At least you've got everybody here which I hope counts for something

Zappgirl, You can be lonely when you are with someone. You sound that way to me, and believe me, he's not worth it. YOU are worth more. If you need support, we're here for you. I started my own forum for Lonely Hearts here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F41297?thread=121635&latest=1 You don't need to read the backlogjust post and introduce yourself. We all have the same thing in common, and we are all there to support each other. Whether you stay or go, it's up to you, but this man will never make you happy. Only you can do that. ~AGB~

Last night he came back around 10pm. As soon as he enters the doors he runs up to me telling me he loves me and he is so sorry... He is crying and telling me he doesnt want to be mean to me. He was cryng and crying and he didnt eat dinner before he left, so i heat up his plate and he eats satisfied then he loves me again and he cryes more. So i put him in bed and he sleeps like a baby (litteraly). This morning he was really nice... i feel like im his mom sometimes. Am i in a hopeless situation really? i mean, i love hime ...

I have a theory that everyone has a natural age. Almost everyone I tell this to can identify the age of their partner almost instantly. I was married to a man whose natural age is 12, a sweet guy, wildly enthusiastic about cars and phones and other toys, playful and fun, vulnerable and unwilling to face emotional consequences. Me? I think my natural age is about 35, but that may just be wishfull thinking.

The advice is good. You can't heal his issues for him. Go.

(I admit that Swedish men don't do it for me, I spent 6 months there and although I count several Swedish women as my dearest friends, I never got to know any Swedish men at all).

One other thought. He probably doesn't mean to do it, but what is happening to you is brainwashing. Treating someone like a princess one moment and like dirt the next is s standard and very effective brainwashing technique. His behaviour is damaging you. Respect yourself enough to leave it.

And yes - you may love him - but sometimes you have to accept that you cannot help someone you love. I had to accept that of the 6 billion people on the planet, I came six billion and first in the queue of people who could help the man I adored past reason.

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

agcB

"i feel like im his mom sometimes. Am i in a hopeless situation really? i mean, i love hime"

You must know you are, or you wouldn't be asking for help.
He is a big baby and you are the mom.
If this suits you, then continue with your life.
But Heaven forbid if you have a child, because he will resent it and then he will leave you.

To find someone else who will be his "mom".

Ask yourself, what is it about him that you "love".
I suspect you don't really even like him, but you need to have *something* to love.

I'm being blunt here, but you would be far better off with leaving him and buying yourself a kitten or a puppy.
Then look for a real man.


Good luck.

When I originally posted here I think I may have given you the idea that you could change this man.You can't!I meant that men could be retrained domestically i.e. putting dirty socks in the washing basket.

Your problems go way beyond this and you will not change him.HE WILL CHANGE YOU however.It's the case that women are far more pliant in nature than men.We are are more adaptible and flexible which is why from time to time we find ourselves on the receiving end of such manipulative behaviour.
How about him being the one to come home and find you out and the house quiet and dark.Even better just leave and don't contact him for a week.Or just leave and never contact him again.I bet that if you go back in a years time you would find he has the same set up with a new victim.Because make no mistake you ARE a victim.

Ok. Im not going to defend it anymore. Maybe i am a victim. And maybe even thou it really hurts to think og it, i guess i have to realize i could propably be anyone. And i guess he is using me being young, he can change me... Yesterday i started question him, quitely, and he said he couldnt believe i would challange him like that. So i started crying (i hardly ever do, HE does all the time thou) and then he says, oh stop your crying, grow up! You are always feeling so sorry for yourself!! its p**sing me off!!!! and you know what, its not him that p**ses me off, its me, for not leaving him! i feel like a total geek... But i get to understand one thing thou, its that the more i pt up with him, the less i gets to me what he does. And thats probably going to be my way to be able to walk away...

The thing is that its not only that... im going throu immigration right now and if i leave him he can have me kicked out... god im p**sed today!!

Thanks for responding to my misery.

MC

Zapgirl



You are a brave person. You are feisty enough to cross an ocean and at least half a contintent to be with someone. That is a brave thing to do. You are wise, and you ave a good heart. No one can take those events, and the bravery and loving-kindness away from you. And even in the most confusing and heart-wrenching of times you have the wisdom to see the situation you are in.

Use your bravery, your wisdom and some of that loving-kindness for yourself.

I wish I was in Sweden right now to welcome you home. I could have been, I spent most of this year there - you come from a beautiful country full of wise, brave and loving women, some of whom I am proud to call my friends.

Zapgirl, you have friends here. My email AIM and MSN addresses are on my home page, if you want to talk off-site.

With love, across the ocean,

a girl called Ben

There's so much I could say after reading the messages here, but it probably wouldn't be appreciated. All I will say is that I think Zapgirl should be talking things through with her partner, not a bunch of strangers in a chat room.

Sorry if that offends and please feel free to ignore me. I just thought it needed saying.

Cheers

Wolfie

The fact is, she's hardly likely to get impartial advice from her boyfriend when he is the cause of all her problems!!

Wolfie

She *has* tried talking it through with her partner:

"Yesterday i started question him, quitely, and he said he couldnt believe i would challange him like that. So i started crying (i hardly ever do, HE does all the time thou) and then he says, oh stop your crying, grow up! You are always feeling so sorry for yourself!! its p**sing me off!!!!"

Enough said?

Ben

This guy sounds a little like my father. The ages and the age gap are similar and the childishness on the male side is very familiar. It took my mother 7 years to leave him and a whole lot longer to rebuild her self esteem, with the added problem of a child in tow.

I don't want to give snap advise that this or that is the answer to your problems. But I will say two things. One don't get pregnant until things are sorted out one way or another. Kids, whilst wonderful in themselves, just complicate things horribly. And second take up agcBen's offer of off site contact, as there is a woman with plenty of experience of life and some sound ideas.