h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I thought about that one... the marriage at a certain age thing...

Actually he has been single for far longer than I have, so he´s bound to miss someone to be with. I thought of asking him just that, if he doesn´t miss having a girlfriend. And if he says yes I could ask him if he´s ever thought about the two of us getting together. If he doesn´t take to the idea it´s not like I´ve proclaimed my everlasting love, and that would be easier to get out of with the friendship intact...

Oh yes, I haven´t mentioned this yet, but there is one little thing that also complicates this thing. There is actually a reason why we started talking more 5 months ago. See he is in the process of opening his own business, a company that sells science fiction and fantasy videos and books and so forth, via mail order here in Denmark.
And since he has a good steady job (and I don´t), and he didn´t want to risk that, he asked me to run the store for him, because he needed someone he could trust. So actually, on top of everything else, he is also my boss tecnically speaking...
So if I aproach this wrong and mess everything up, it would all be very bad....

We are just about ready to get this business of its feet, but there is still a lot of work to do. All our free time basically goes into this, we spend it all talking or visiting each other. Most times the conversation slips over to private talk though, and we just have so much fun.
But with all of this, none of us really have time to find someone else, and he is bound to be as lonely as me when it comes to the more intimate stuff. Cause we all have needs like that, and sometimes I wonder how he stands it... cause I can´t much longer...

Dax, my advice on the personal front is "go for it" as I have already said. But be careful about running a business with someone who you are romantically involved with. In fact, careful about being romantically involved with any kind of collegue.

We all need space to be ourselves. Friendship, romance AND business can be too tight a mix.

S if it was me, I would go for the romance, and look at ways to ease out of the business.

But it isn't me, it is you.

agcB

Dax, I've been in a similar situation twice. The first time, I did nothing. In fact I had to distance myself from her because my feelings had become too strong, and I wanted to remember the friendship for it's happier memories and not a potentially embarrassing one. (I could close my eyes and see her smiling a sweet, "I don't want to hurt you, but..." smile. It sent chills through me).
The second time I did say something. But it was the wrong time, for both of us. We experimented, but it eventually destroyed what had been a cherished freindship.
What I learned from both was:
That I wish I hadn't been such a coward in the first instance.
And that I wouldn't have wanted to spend my life wondering about the second.

Let us know what happens

I haven't time to read through all the posts, but have you thought about:

a) waiting until next February and sending a Valentines card.
b) going out and getting absolutely blind drunk with him. Alcohol is usually a great kick-starter for relationships. Plus he may make the first move.

If it's meant to be, it will. Remember we only regret the things we don't do, not the things we actually do.

BBS

"Remember we only regret the things we don't do, not the things we actually do"

So true.

Someone asked what mistakes Mae West would avoid if she could live her life again.

She said "I'd make the same mistakes, but sooner".

A risktaker called Ben

Good quote! I like it

I've had two personal experiences along this line:

1) It was a weird situation... I was living in a strange place a million miles from everyone I'd ever known or cared about, and so was a friend from high school. I was working abroad, and she was studying abroad. Nobody else understood what it was like, so phone calls and letters home were unsatisfying. We understood each other's situation, though, and so our phone conversations and letters were deeply satisfying. We were casual friends before this, but we became very close. When her studies were over, the relationship continued to develop. We would spend quite a bit of time together when I came home for vacation. I even began to wonder if I were going to develop romantic feelings for her, as we certainly seemed compatible. I refused to deal with the matter in any depth until I came home permanently.

After I came back, we spent some more time together, and I did some soul-searching, and I had to admit to myself that, even though she's a wonderful person whose friendship I value tremendously, I wasn't romantically inclined. And it was fairly obvious that she was. There was a moment of truth a few months after my return where, if I was interested, I would have stood up and said something. When the moment passed, she took it as a rejection, because I could see the anguish on her face.

We've continued on to be great friends to this day. Although the subject had never really been openly discussed, we both know what was going on between us. It hasn't hurt our friendship in the slightest.

2) About 10 months ago, an attractive new coworker transferred to my floor. It was my habit to spend my breaks socializing with her new partner anyway, so I used it as an opportunity to get to know her. Hanging out at her desk led to hanging out together on breaks and lunches, which led to hanging out together outside of work. I was very cautious about approaching her for a relationship... I really liked her, and found her attractive, but I knew that if things went badly, it would have a huge detrimental effect on the workplace. But after a few months of this I couldn't stand it anymore. I approached her in a very clumsy manner, because I was so nervous... the coworker thing just made an already nervous situation that much worse. She could hardly be blamed for turning me down.

Things got weird there for a bit, and then turned tense. We stopped talking to each other for a bit... I was doing it mainly to let her cool off. After a week or two, we started talking again, started hanging out on breaks again, and started going out again. It got to the point where she was calling me every day, and every day that we could go out together, we did. My friends were wondering if I'd fallen off the face of the planet. In all this time, though, I was convinced that she wasn't interested, and that we were just good friends... even though, by the frequency of the calls and other subtle hints, I was seeing signs that she might be interested. Just as I saw one that said she was, I'd see another that said that she was definitely NOT interested. I figured I was stuck in the Friend Zone for forever, so I might as well accept my fate. I swallowed my feelings and made a conscious effort to keep myself from making her feel pressured by them, in order to keep the friendship going.

She eventually came around. We've been together now for 3 months, and she's been living with me for 1 month.


So anyway, both of my situations ended well, from my perspective. In the one case, the relationship was not there, but the friendship survived. And in the other, the relationship was finally there. And I think there are more than enough signs that your man is interested. You should go for it, and don't wait until next February, either. And learn from my mistake in the second experience and make your move a bit bolder, but you don't want it to be too bold, since you want to be able to stay friends. Invite him over for a candlelight dinner, or send him some flowers. Or maybe go out dancing with him, and, at some point, just ask him if it'd be ok if you kissed him. If I'd done one of those things, it probably would have saved me a few months' worth of anguish.

The problem with getting him drunk is yea alchohol is a good kick starter but there is also the chance that he will regret it, and any way do you really want to feel that te only reason he was intersted in you is because he is drunk. I would hate that!!

Whew, you must have a big phone bill.

Well, take some advice from a guy who doesn´t know the first thing about love. The guy obviously likes you as much as you like him. There is just one of you who has to break the ice. The longer you wait the more painful it will get. So tell him straight out one day. And no alcohol, you don´t want it to be the beers talking.

You will have a wonderful opportunity to study his body language when you see each other, something you can't do when you're talking on the phone. This will tell you his real attitude towards you. Relax, and react to his signals when you are together.

I have a friend who is in exactly this situation. She has been really tired for the last year now because they spend three or four hours a night on the phone. They have photos of each other and send presents etc., she even sent him a video of herself, but they haven't ever met. He has a girlfriend, but she knows he has strong feelings for her, too. It was difficult to know what advice to give her. Unless they met in person, I can't see it developing in any direction. I haven't dared ask her what the present position is - I hope that it is resolved one way or another, because it really wears at you - physically, mentally, psychologically, and also makes it difficult to talk to your friends at home if this big part of your life can't be mentioned most of the time. Her position is even sadder because she is 28 and all around her her contemporaries are having babies, while she, who is also quite large, has, as far as I know, never had a boyfriend, and is getting broody. She is the loveliest person I know - she deserves dozens of admirers.

A similar story to this, but the other way around http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F30859?thread=54902 Hooloovoo

Dax, where could you possibly get better advice than good old Dawson's Creek?

Dawson was afraid of ruining his friendship with Gretchen but Joey told him to "go for it" and look how happy that's turned out?

(I can't believe I just admitted I watch that show <SMILEY TYPE="blush"/> )

okay that didn't work <SMILEY TYPE="blush">

I've got it

thats right isn't it? (i'm killing myself for not using that little 'preview message' button)

Dawsons Creek... I watch that too, as a matter of fact so does he

Gretchen??? Did you just ruin something from season 3 for me, which I haven´t watched yet???

Actually I have thought about the fact that we are so like Dawson and Joey in season 1, and we all know how well that went... And I don´t want it to wind up that way (although I´m not quite as difficult as Joey...)

>>>Well, take some advice from a guy who doesn´t know the first thing about love. The guy obviously likes you as much as you like him.<<<

That´s the thing, I can never really be sure... He may just be talking to me this much because of the business...
Two months ago I didn´t have feelings for him in that way, and we still talked as much. I saw nothing wrong with talking to my friend and business partner for that long, so maybe he sees it the same way now...

I can't speak in the name of other men, but most of my friends are female, and very close, and I would never go as far in flirting with (single) female friends as your friend seems to do with you, so I honestly think he's got more-than-friendship feelings too.

The only close friend I have such "positive complicity" with (laughing with just one word, complete understanding with just one look, etc) is my ex-wife (and still best friend), who obviously knows me a lot better than anyone else. (Which also proves that if love "fails", it doesn't necessarily mean the end of the friendship.)

Hmmm in spite of my earlier advice, the business partner/boss thing does change matters somewhat. If for some reason he is just flirting (and he could be enjoying the attention) and you make a move, you stand to lose a lot more than just a friend. Therefore tread very carefully.

I think my mistake in this type of situation has always been to want things NOW. That is to say because you have realised your romance for this guy, you now want to be with him and you're probably feeling insecure that he might go off with someone else if you leave it too long. Therefore you want instant results.

However if "he is the one" as you suspect and it is destined to be a long term thing, then you have nothing to fear as he'll be as worried about losing a friendship and missing out on you. Maybe he's worried about the implications on his business if you reject him.

I now revise my opinion to one of two options:
- be the best friend you can be to him. Spend as much time with him as you can. Do little things to ease your way into his life. Find romantic places to go like the beach and then just put your arm through his. See how he responds does it scare the hell out of him or is he relaxed. Whatever you do, don't overanalyse. See each little thing for just that - a little thing. Don't let your mind make the "Can we hold hands together" moment the equivalent of a "marriage proposal, lets spend the rest of our lives together and have 2 children". It isn't.

Alternatively line up another job. When he asks why you want to leave you can say it's because you have romantic feelings for him. If he rejects you, then you have an option of somewhere else to go. If he accepts you, then you have somewhere else to go to avoid confusing the relationship and work (you may decide to stay working for him).

My big message is TAKE YOUR TIME and DON'T OVERANALYSE.

BBS

PS My previous advice still holds that in the longterm you'll never regret asking him. Maybe it'll hurt in the shortterm, but not the long. But the job thing does complicate it.

Okay, you could have told us about the business partner thing. What kind of business is it if you don´t mind me asking.

If you spend all those hours on the phone talking about business, then think again. But if you talk about anything and everything, then my original advice still holds: he feels the same as you but doesn't know how to say it.