h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The young man's confession:

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Man enters a Chemists shop and asks for a deodorant. Chemist says "Certainly sir, ball or aerosol?"
Man replies "Neither, it's for me armpits".

... man walks into a shop, goes straight up to the counter and asks for "a Jimmie Vaughan Tex-Mex Strat, a Mooer Blue Faze Fuzz Pedal, a Marshall MS2 Amp and (uhh) half a dozen picks!"

... the shopkeeper looks at him for a moment and says, "you're a drummer, aren't you."

"what? no!" the bloke replies, "no... no... ... yes, look, how'd ya know?"

"this is a Butcher's."

What do you call a drummer that's just broken up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

How do you know a drummer is knocking on your door? The knocking speeds up as it continues.

What do you call a person who hangs around musicians? A drummer.

What do you call a person who hangs around a drummer? A roadie.

On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.
As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot & killed her also.
Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Yorkshireman named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!."
.

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist !
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you. And all at the same time." Said Claude.
The excited chatter fell to silence as Claude carefully slid from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, and back and forth, while quietly chanting:
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, back and forth.
Fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. Back and forth. Back and forth. They were all hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the watch chain broke !!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SH*T" exclaimed Claude.
It took them three days to clean up the Residential Home. Claude was never invited back again.

it's humour!

one day in a local Yorkshire town street, a brand spankin' new shiny Rolls Royce pulled up outside a upper class store and as the "occupant" went in to the departmental store, a young lad came and stood on the footplate to peer inside.
At this! the chauffeur walked round to the pavement side and spoke sternly to the boy saying "foot off" at this, the boy looked up at the chauffeur and replied "You foot off - it's our street"

3 men up in court for drunken fighting in a bar, the judge asks the 1st man his name and he replies "F W Woolworth" your honour!
The judge say I'm fining you £100 contempt of court.
He then asks the 2nd man his name.
To which the man replies "W H Smith" your worship!
The judge is now fuming and retorts I'M fining you £200 for contempt of court! I'll not have this in my courtroom
Now in a bad mood, he asks the 3rd man HIS name,
the man replies "Ken" your honour!
The judge says "at last, someone who acts correctly in court" and what is your surname please ?
"tucky-fried" he replies

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, how many women can a man marry ?
Sixteen! The boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. How do you know that ?
easy! The little boy said. All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said -
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.


Mrs Jones asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite bible stories.
She was puzzled by Sidney's picture, which showed four people on a aeroplane.
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent
The Flight to Egypt , was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Mrs hones said, that must be Mary,
Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person ?
Oh! That's Pontius - the pilot!

A husband went to police station to file a report about his missing wife:

Husband :  I lost my wife, she went shopping and has not returned.

Inspector :  What is her height ?

Husband :  I'm not too sure.

Inspector :  Slim or heavy?

Husband :  Not exactly slim.

Inspector :  Colour of eyes ?

Husband :  Never noticed.

Inspector :  Colour of hair ?

Husband :  Changes according to season.

Inspector :  What was she wearing?

Husband :  Jeans/suit/ I don't remember exactly.

Inspector :  Was she in a car?

Husband :   yes.

Inspector :  tell me the number, name and colour of the car ?

Husband :    Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 433 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode and overdrive.
And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.
My new Custom fit golf clubs and Powacaddy 100 electric trolley are in the boot.

(and then the husband started crying.........) Inspector:   Don't worry sir, we'll find your car.

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer would team up... They would be alloys.

What power does the Silver Surfer use to paint... the pallete cosmic!

What does Nick Fury call his drinking buddies... the Howling Whinos !

The wife complained: "My husband is a sex object. When I want sex, he objects."

At church one Sunday, the vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the front of the church.

She said, "I should like to express my thanks for an answered prayer. Two months ago my husband, Phil, had a terrible motorbike accident, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation, as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain.
"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably, as they imagined the gruesome surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The vicar then rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the front of the church.

He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the proper word is sternum."

I was in Asda's the other day when my wife wandered off. I spent several minutes looking for her, when I bumped into an old school friend I hadn't seen for years. We got chatting about old times and he told me he was recently married. I said I'd lost my wife and was looking for her. Her said he'd lost his wife and was looking for her. I asked him what she looked like and he said 25, blonde, fantastic figure and very sexy. we could both look together. I said, forget my wife, let's look for yours.

mam! am I a rattle snake that bites and poisons it's prey ?

no love! your a python and we crush our prey, why ask ?

I've just bit my tongue

Mummy Mummy what's for dinner\?
shut up and get back in the oven.

bloke falling to earth from 20,000 feet up meets a guy shooting upwards he shouts :- Hey! yah know anything about parachutes mate ?
the other bloke calls back :- soz bud! but does tha' know owt abart gas cookers ?

A mother cooking tea in the kitchen hears her young son doing maths homework in the front room, he says 3 plus 6 that's the son of a bitch is 9.
She shrugs her head thinking she's misheard him, but again! he says 7 plus 4 that's the son of a bitch is 11.
So she goes into the front room, just has he says 5 plus 8 that's the son of a bitch is 13.
She says is the teacher teaching you how to do those sums ? of which he replies yes.
So the next school day, she takes him to school and asks to see the maths teacher, and after informing the lady

the teacher says I'm actually saying - "7 plus 4 that's the sum of which is 11"

Just been baby sitting an 8 year old. Her jokes;
What do cows eat for breakfast? Mooesli
Where do sheep go for their holidays? Baabaados
Why have giraffe got long necks? Their feet smell.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice krispies
What cheese calls a bear from a cave? Come here bear
Sorry.