h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The old ones are the best

(not necessarily true for old Come Here Bear , though

How do eggs leave the highway?
By going through the eggs-it.

How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried!

What do chickens call a school test?
Eggs-amination!

What did the eggs do when the light turned green?
They egg-celerated!

What do you call an egg taking a snooze on the job?
Egg-zosted!

Who wrote the book, Great Eggspectations?
Charles Chickens!

What do you call mutant eggs?
The Eggs-Men!

Don't mess with older women!

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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding ,

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding .

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see, Can I see your vehicle registration papers please .

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

A man goes to the doctor and says I've swollowed a camera. The doctor said take this pill and let's see what develops.
OK not so funny in the digital age, but amusing none then less.

How you mend a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!

What did the tree say to autumn?
Leaf me alone.

Why does a rooster watch TV?
For hentertainment!

How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper!

Where do sheep get shorn?
At the baa baas!

What would happen if bulls could fly?

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk ?
An udder failure!

What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers !

A man went into a library and asked for a book on suicide. The librian refused to give him one saying he'd never return it.

A monkey was sitting on a branch rolling a joint when a lizard walked by and asked "what you doin', mate?"
"Rolling a J, you wanna share?"
"Sure"
So the lizard climbs up and they share the spliff until the lizard says "dang, that stuff gives me a dry throat. I'll just pop down to the river and have a drink".
So of he goes, but is so stoned that he tumbles into the river.
Luckily a crocodile sees this and rescues him to the shore and asks how come the lizard fell in.
"I is so stoned out by this weed", the lizard says.
The croc is not happy with this and walks into the wood to have a few words with the monkey. He quickly finds the ape and calls up to him: "Hey, you!"
And the monkey replies: ", man, how much water did you drink?"

A man's face mask drops whilst he's robbing a bank and the teller sees his face.
The robber says "you can recognise me" and shoots him dead.
At the sound of the shot, a man looks up from the floor and the robber again says "you can recognise me" and shoots him dead also.
He now calls out "Has anyone else seen me" at which an old Yorkshireman pipes up! "ar lass got a good look at yer!"

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a newly opened restaurant, "Henry's Nuvo Cuisine" and I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange ?
When another one brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket ?
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, Why the spoon ?
Well,he explained,the restaurant's owner hired the Dean and Chapman Consulting Agency to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.. I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?
Oh, certainly! Then he lowered his voice. Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, After you get it out, how do you put it back ?

Well, he whispered, I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

Why some men prefer to have a dog and no wife

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's
interesting. And last, but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

The Haircut.....

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill,
and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went
to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses
waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again
replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to
open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his
door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again
replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went
to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of
our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR
THE SAME REASON!

Bert Entwhistle at 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .
Bert replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Bert replied, "That would be my wife when I get in"

He: Woman, what would you do if I won the lottery?
She: I would take my half and leave you immediately!
He: We are in luck then. I just won 4 dollars. Here are two of them. And there is the door!

YOU think more of the dog than me!

YEP! his license cost less than yours

- My doctor thinks I'm paranoid
- Does he say that?
- No, but I can feel that he thinks it

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak and have it rare please!"
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
I replied! "Nah, she can order for herself"

knock! knock! we're collecting for charity

codger - eh! ?

we're collecting for charity

codger - I'm a bit deaf, yah what!

we're collecting for charity

codger - speak up!

WE'RE COLLECTING FOR CHARITY

codger - can't hear a word your saying!

oh sod it

codger - shut me gate

stuff your gate

codger - aye! and stuff your charity as well

One day a middle-aged man goes into a chemist shop in town - reaches into his pocket and takes out an Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours out a teaspoonful and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says the man. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

err and

They made love in a canoe
since she wanted him to woo

A thought appeared beneath his hood:
This reminds me of a Bud