h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

Q: What did the Arctic wolf ask in the restaurant?
A: "Are these lemmings fresh off the tundra?"

Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."

Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!

What is a French cat's favourite pudding ?
Chocolate mousse!

What do cat actors say on stage?
Tabby or not tabby!

What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?
I'm paw!

Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry terminal in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them " I cant let you on the ferry. it is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind." Quattro is just the name of the car" says the driver, disbelievingly, " Look at the papers,this car is designed to carry 5 people"

You can't pull that one on me, this is Tracey you're talking to here, she replies with a smile.
"Quattro means four. You have 5 people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on.

The driver is now very cross and frustrated, and replies angrily " I,ve had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with a little bit more intelligence"

"Sorry" replies Tracey,but Sharon is busy right now, dealing with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart..........covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said "I'm so sorry...... I was just thinking of my own funeral...... I'm a gynaecologist.

The priest fainted.

went to Boots........................they don't sell boots ?
went to Selfridges.................they don't sell fridges ?
went to Currys.......................they don't sell curries ?
even at a Blackberry store....they don't sell any type of berry ?
as for Virgin megastore........what a hugh disappointment

Three very great jokes Prof.

Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.

Q: Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
A: He just couldn't put it down.

Q: What do you call a periodic table with gold missing?
A: "Au revoir"

Q: What element is derived from a Norse god?
A: Thorium.

Q: What do you do with a dead geologists?
A: Barium

Q: What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?
A: A KNiFe.

Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium deposits?
A: Na

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hair dryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store then opened also.

Floor 1 - Has wives that love sex.

Floor 2 - Has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The remaining floors have never been visited.

It just goes to show that men are easier to please...

Thanks for sharing these great jokes Prof.

Q: Where's Spiderman's home page?
A: On the world wide web.

Q: When did Anakin Skywalker become evil?
A: In the sith grade!

yours ain't bad either Kat

Thanks Prof

One day Grima Wormtongue is walking along the road when he trips on a rock. He kicks it, and out pops a powerful Maia from the First Age! The Maia says to him, "I will grant you three wishes, but choose wisely." Grima thinks for a second and says, "I wish to be the richest being alive." The Maia nods, and suddenly he is surrounded by heaps of jewels and gold and silver. Grima smiles a wicked smile and says, " I wish to be the wisest being in the world." The Maia nods and gifts him with lore greater then Saruman. Then Grima says, "Finally, I wish to be totally irresistable to women." And the Maia turns him into Legolas.

A couple of weeks ago I bought a memory foam mattress. All went well until last Thursday when I booked a days leave to go to a funeral, it threw me out of bed at 6.30am and gave me a bollocking for not setting the alarm.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer.

Q: When is a well dressed lion like a weed?
A: When he's a dandelion (dandy lion)

Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
A: A pie-thon!

Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip?
A: Bison!

a bloke goes to his local doctors and tells him that for a few weeks, he's been passing solids that have a shape like chips/French fries and it's got him worried ?.
The doctor examines the man and then informs him to cut 4 inches off the bottom of his string vest and purchase a different size

Good one Prof

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very please to meet you," replies the nun. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips wre the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and said "Then you must be.....?"
"yes, I'm, afraid so----I am the chip monk."

A vicar was travelling round London and went into a church to pray, as he sat there he saw a gold telephone and a sign which said talk to god for £1200. He asked the vicar that's a bit steep isn't it ? at which the reply was - it's a long way to heaven.
A few week later, he was in Scotland and called in a church there where he saw another gold phone and a sign - speak with god - cost £2000. He asked why so much ? to which the reply was - it's a longer journey to god the more north you go.
Well! a few months goes by and every church he visited basically had the same set up and various charges between £1000 and £3000.
Until he came in to the Yorkshire region and on calling at a church there, saw once more! a gold telephone, but the sign said speak to go for as long as you like 50p. He spoke with the vicar stating all the charges he had come across on his travels and how could this church have 50p - the reply was IT'S A LOCAL CALL!!

Good one Prof

What should you call a bald teddy ?
Fred bear !
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ?
A little bear !
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp ?
A bear faced lyre !