h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".

Yorkshire humour


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

My dear lady said I need more exercise. I said go into the kitchen and make me a sandwich

A lion was getting married....at his wedding was a mouse shouting away... and congratulating the lion "all the best my brother! goodluck"

Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother...another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and

asks:
"Who the hell do you think you are ? How can a lion be your brother ? you are only a mouse"

The Mouse replies...."I was also a Lion before I got married"

I came home, the wife was in tears. I said what's up, she said,I'm home sick. I said this is your home, she said, yes I know and I'm sick of it.

a "thick" bloke gets a job at a timber yard in the north and for his first run, the boss says you have a run to London with these timber joists ok and gives him the details slip. The guy sets off and as he arrives on the outskirts of London, he stops and asks for direction - saying! is this London ? the passer-by says yes! So the bloke says right! where do you want this timber dropping

Brilliant jokes.

Q: What did one autumn leaf say to another? A: I'm falling for you.

Art Gallery A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies: "Autumn."

I just ed this from MazinMadFiddler over on Facebook:


A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
they asked him what happened.

The Vicar explains that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, this Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up....

and this i ed from Monsy :

"So, Mr Adams." The lady at the jobcentre said, "After nearly 20 years in full time employment, you just decided to leave. May I ask why?"

"Well," I said, "I opened a Twitter account, and after about a week I decided that my whole career had been a total waste of time. So I left."

"And what was this career?" She asked.

"I was an English teacher."

Websailor

Very funny jokes, Pierce.

A Terran goes into a Klingon. bar. He is drunk. He shouts to everyone "I love you Klingons, I want to become a real warrior like you. How can I do this?”

The bartender answers "To become a true warrior, you must carry out three tasks.

First, you must drink an entire glass of 200 year old ale.

Second, you must fight a wild chemvaH.

Third, you must make love to a Klingon woman“.

If you accomplish these tasks, you will be a real warrior." "OK" says the Terran.

The Terran takes a glass of 200 year old from the bartender and drinks it down. He becomes very drunk. "I will return!" he shouts, and leaves.

A long time later, the Terran returns. He is still very drunk from the ale. His clothes are torn and he has many lacerations. He's bleeding a little. The human cries out "All right! I've finished two of the tasks! Now, where's that Klingon woman I'm supposed to fight?"

A cargo plane carrying spare parts for Nissan car gearboxes was hit by a massive bolt of lightning and was ripped apart.

Down on Earth it was raining Datsun cogs.

The bishop paid a visit to the new young catholic priest and noticed that the housekeeper was a young sexy and could not help raising a brow over this

The priest said "I know what you're thinking, Father, but it's not what it looks like, she's only keeping house for me".

A few days later the priest wrote to the bishop: "I'm not wanting to suggest anything but have you maybe by accident put one of my silver spoons in your pocket?"

The bishop wrote back: "I'm not wanting to suggest anything either, but had you slept in your own bed you would have found your spoon days ago "

Pierce

Triquack and Pierce love your jokes.

Q. In what room of the house would you never find a ghost?
A. The living room.

Q. What do Skeletons say before eating?
A. Bone Appetite.

Q. Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
A. To improve his bite!

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A. A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!!!

Q. What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
A. Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite...

Q. Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

Q. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
A. With scare spray...

Q. What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A. A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

A bloke goes to the doctor and says I've terrible sun burn on my legs. The doctor gives him viagra. The man says will it help? The doctor says it'll keep the sheets of the legs.

Hear about the guy that crossed a vampire with a mummy and created something you don't want to unwrap.
Dracula never eats sweetcorn, he can only nibble the ends.
Two nuns driving down the road. A vampire leaps out in front of them. One nun says, show him your cross. The second one shouts out. Go away you horrible man, you make me so angry.

Nicked this from MMF:

One dark, damp Autumn night two men were walking home from the Pub and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
As they reached the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
...
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"