This is the Message Centre for Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 681

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 682

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 683

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

Yorkshire humoursmiley - smiley


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 684

The Liquid Warrior (Vescere bracis meis)

My dear lady said I need more exercise. I said go into the kitchen and make me a sandwich


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 685

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

A lion was getting married....at his wedding was a mouse shouting away... and congratulating the lion "all the best my brother! goodluck"

Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother...another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and

asks:
"Who the hell do you think you are ? How can a lion be your brother ? you are only a mouse"

The Mouse replies...."I was also a Lion before I got married"


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 686

The Liquid Warrior (Vescere bracis meis)

I came home, the wife was in tears. I said what's up, she said,I'm home sick. I said this is your home, she said, yes I know and I'm sick of it.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 687

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

a "thick" bloke gets a job at a timber yard in the north and for his first run, the boss says you have a run to London with these timber joists ok and gives him the details slip. The guy sets off and as he arrives on the outskirts of London, he stops and asks for direction - saying! is this London ? the passer-by says yes! So the bloke says right! where do you want this timber dropping


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Post 688

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Brilliant jokes.smiley - laughsmiley - ok

Q: What did one autumn leaf say to another? A: I'm falling for you.

Art Gallery A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies: "Autumn."



Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 689

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

I just smiley - thiefed this from MazinMadFiddler over on Facebook:


A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
they asked him what happened.

The Vicar explains that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, this Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up....

smiley - pirate


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 690

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

and this i smiley - thiefed from Monsy smiley - biggrin:

"So, Mr Adams." The lady at the jobcentre said, "After nearly 20 years in full time employment, you just decided to leave. May I ask why?"

"Well," I said, "I opened a Twitter account, and after about a week I decided that my whole career had been a total waste of time. So I left."

"And what was this career?" She asked.

"I was an English teacher."

smiley - pirate


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 691

Websailor

smiley - biggrin

Websailor smiley - dragon


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Post 692

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

smiley - roflsmiley - laughVery funny jokes, Pierce.smiley - magicsmiley - coolsmiley - ok


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 693

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

A Terran goes into a Klingon. bar. He is drunk. He shouts to everyone "I love you Klingons, I want to become a real warrior like you. How can I do this?”

The bartender answers "To become a true warrior, you must carry out three tasks.

First, you must drink an entire glass of 200 year old ale.

Second, you must fight a wild chemvaH.

Third, you must make love to a Klingon woman“.

If you accomplish these tasks, you will be a real warrior." "OK" says the Terran.

The Terran takes a glass of 200 year old from the bartender and drinks it down. He becomes very drunk. "I will return!" he shouts, and leaves.

A long time later, the Terran returns. He is still very drunk from the ale. His clothes are torn and he has many lacerations. He's bleeding a little. The human cries out "All right! I've finished two of the tasks! Now, where's that Klingon woman I'm supposed to fight?"


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 694

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

smiley - rofl

smiley - pirate


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 695

Triquack

A cargo plane carrying spare parts for Nissan car gearboxes was hit by a massive bolt of lightning and was ripped apart.

Down on Earth it was raining Datsun cogs.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 696

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

The bishop paid a visit to the new young catholic priest and noticed that the housekeeper was a young sexy smiley - diva and could not help raising a brow over this smiley - raisedeyebrow

The priest said "I know what you're thinking, Father, but it's not what it looks like, she's only keeping house for me".

A few days later the priest wrote to the bishop: "I'm not wanting to suggest anything but smiley - erm have you maybe by accident put one of my silver spoons in your pocket?"

The bishop wrote back: "I'm not wanting to suggest anything either, but had you slept in your own bed you would have found your spoon days ago smiley - whistle"

smiley - pirate


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 697

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

smiley - cheerssmiley - taPierce

Triquack and Pierce love your jokes.smiley - roflsmiley - laugh

Q. In what room of the house would you never find a ghost?
A. The living room.

Q. What do Skeletons say before eating?
A. Bone Appetite.

Q. Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
A. To improve his bite!

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A. A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!!!

Q. What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
A. Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite...

Q. Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

Q. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
A. With scare spray...

Q. What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A. A fur coat that fangs around your neck...


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 698

The Liquid Warrior (Vescere bracis meis)

A bloke goes to the doctor and says I've terrible sun burn on my legs. The doctor gives him viagra. The man says will it help? The doctor says it'll keep the sheets of the legs.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 699

The Liquid Warrior (Vescere bracis meis)

Hear about the guy that crossed a vampire with a mummy and created something you don't want to unwrap.
Dracula never eats sweetcorn, he can only nibble the ends.
Two nuns driving down the road. A vampire leaps out in front of them. One nun says, show him your cross. The second one shouts out. Go away you horrible man, you make me so angry.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 700

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

Nicked this from MMF:

One dark, damp Autumn night two men were walking home from the Pub and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
As they reached the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
...
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

smiley - pirate


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