h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
How did you know that the cat was dead ? she asked her pupil
Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move answered the child innocently
You did WHAT the teacher exclaimed in surprise
you know explained the boy, I leaned over and went Pssst and it didn't move

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, you name it.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long" . . . easy boy!
Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy!
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William! William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William!
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little s***s name is Kevin."

at the bus stop, a mam says to her young son "when the driver asks how old you are! tell him your 3 yrs old"
but mam! I'm 4 yrs old?
Yes love! I know that, but when your 4 yrs old we HAVE to pay for a seat for you, so say your only 3!
oh ok mam!
when the bus arrives at the stop, the driver says to the boy, and how old are you son ? the lad says I'm 3 yrs old! and how long will you be 3 for then ?
The lad replies - until I get off at the bus station

The blues guitarist wasn't very good. He wasn't too bright either. He said "I would give my right arm to become as good as B.B. King"

I meant to post this here, but I got the wrong joke thread, anyway, here it is...

A young lad went to visit a Stately home and joined the back of a guided tour of the magnificent hall, and became so interested in the place that he began to lag behind the group. He saw a slender young woman enter one of the rooms and leave the door slightly ajar; being a nosey sort he peered through the crack in the door and saw the young lady disrobe her top half and say to a small mirror on the wall "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, make my breasts the best of all". there was a blinding flash and he watched in amazement as her chest began to expand, producing the most shapely and voluptuous bosom he had ever seen. She covered herself as best she could and headed for the door, at which point our hero hid in the shadows until all was clear. He thought "I'm having some of that" and sneaked into the room, grabbed the mirror and re-joined the group with his plunder hidden under his coat.

When he got home, he fastened the mirror halfway up the bathroom door and disrobed his bottom half, he then knelt down in front of the mirror and said "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my pen15 touch the floor". There was a blinding flash, and...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.

His legs disappeared.

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....
'Your house'

well played

nah then! now we ain't under Beeb rulesand there aren't any kids aboutonly adults with hopefully a sense of humour and NOT mad yikesters
I'll try this one
methinks tha'd best copy/paste it somewhere though before it does get yiked


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

Ouch! Too close to home

Please set a password to register.

"cabbage"

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"boiled cabbage"

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"1 boiled cabbage"

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"50soddingboiledcabbages"

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"50SODDINGboiledcabbages"

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"50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYours,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediately”

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“NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYoursIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately”

Sorry, that password is already in use !

don't justget some added

they might have dyed their hair

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'



A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'



A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'



What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'



Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'

Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
A: Someday my prints will come!

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!

Q: What part of the car is the laziest?
A: The wheels, because they are always tired!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: What is blue and goes ding dong?
A: An Avon lady at the North Pole!

Man and wife sees his for an annual check-up.
When he's done the asks the wife for a few words in private:
- Your hubby is severely ill and any kind of stress can put his light out, but if you treat him kindly, serve him a proper breakfast every morning and his favourite meals every evening and make love to him as often as he wants you have a fair chance of getting him back to normal.
On their way home the man asks his wife: - What did the tell you?
- You're gonna die soon...

OK! time for another near knuckle joke
In the year/s 2013/4 the brits took the Aussies on at cricket for the Ashes again - we were dry rubbed
so! a bit of mickey taking

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the usual answers came out -- fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc. etc. -- but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men," Billy replied. "Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.“

The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took Billy aside to ask him if that was really the truth.“No,” said Billy, “he plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the local area newspaper, the headline declared...





drop down





ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ local supermarket

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A man was delivering some monkeys to Chester zoo, when his van broke down. he was standing at the side of the road wondering what to do when he saw a farmer approaching with an empty lorry. He flagged the farmer down and offered him £500 pounds to take the monkeys to the zoo. The farmer agreed and the monkeys were transferred to the farmer's lorry and off he went. A couple of hours later the man was still waiting for a breakdown vehicle to come when he saw the farmer coming back, still with the monkeys on board. He flagged the farmer down again and asked why he hadn't taken the monkeys to the zoo. "I did." said the farmer. "We had a great time and there is some money left over, so I'm taking them to Alton Towers."