h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called
the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee
cannot take care of it . so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of
us who were born before 1960!


Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
Remember???????????
I don't remember if I sent this one out.........

I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters! Was I getting in or out of the bath ?
The 94-year old yells back, I don't know ? I'll come up and see.
She starts up the stairs and pauses stating "Was I going up the stairs or down ?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that
forgetful "knock on wood"
She then yells, I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

There is a virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else
via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and
take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutraliser-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends.
If you do not have 5 friends,you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

An elderly couple went to play golf. They tossed a coin and the man teed off first. They stood squniting into the distance. The man asked; "Did you see where my ball went?" The old lady replied: "Yes, but I've forgotten

I'm told one of the drawbacks with viagra is that is can cause the early stage of alzhemiers. Does that mean you can't remember what to do when the viagra works?

Bet some saddo yikes that

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

Hello! Is that you sarge ?

Yes! ?

We have a problem here, a woman has shot her husband stone cold dead for walking on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman ?

Not yet sarge! The floor is still wet.

A troll, a hag, and a leprechaun who all go into a bar and order drinks. The leprechaun orders a firewhiskey, the hag orders a butter beer, and the troll orders snoo. The bartender asks, "what's snoo?" The troll just replies, "nothing much."

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

A man in a hot air balloon was lost over Ireland. He looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted down to him, “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looked back up and shouted back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

When Peter Hansen was a young man he decided to migrate to the USA from his little village in the most remote part of Denmark.
60 years later he decided to return to the old country, but rumours travelled faster than old man Hansen sio when his train arrived at the station closest to his old home the local girl scouts, boy scouts, the voluntary fire brigade's orchestra, the mayor and the press was there to meet him.
The journalist from the local radio station said: "Peter Hansen, you left here when you were 18 and now you are back at the ripe age of 78. Tell us, how much money did you have when you left?"
"200 bobs"
"And how much do you own today?"
"Just as second, let me check - here we are - 124 bobs. It's been a cheap trip"

Some one said that Sepp Blatter was taking up tennis. They said his fore hand needed a lot of work, but his back handers were perfect.

A solicitor says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: I have some good
news and I have some bad news.

The tycoon replies: I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?

The solicitor says: Well your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of £20 to £30 million.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: Well done! Very good news indeed,
You’ve just made my day, but what’s the bad news?

The solicitor answers: The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven and upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

I'm sorry! 'St Peter said, but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.

That's cool said the blonde, What does the Entrance Exam consist of ?

Just three questions said St Peter.

Which are ? asked the blonde politely.

The first, said St Peter, is which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' ?

The second is How many seconds are there in a year ?

The third is What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda ?

Now! Said St Peter, Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, I have!

Well then, said St Peter, Which two days of the week start with the letter T ?

The blonde said, Today and Tomorrow.

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

Well then! Could I have your answer to the second of the three questions ? St Peter went on, how many seconds in a year ?

The Blonde replied, Twelve!

Only twelve ? exclaimed St Peter, How did you arrive at that figure ?

Easy! Said the blonde, there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.

And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swag man in Waltzing Matilda ?

The blonde replied, well! Out of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.

Really! Exclaimed St Peter, and what is the answer ?

It's Andy!

Andy ???

Yes! Andy said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in ecks name did you arrive at THAT answer ?

Easy peasy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.

And the blonde entered Heaven...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any Paddy cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License And registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the f out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Two old men of 97 were sitting in a home. One said I have a sure fire way of getting women in my bedroom.
What's that?, asked the 2nd old man.
The first replied: A stairlift.

A young man walking down the road went up to an old lady and said show us your T^Ts the old lady lifted her skirt

Why is Magneto so popular?
He has a magnetic personality.

Why does not Magneto wear purple?
Because the days of fuchsia passed.

Mr and Mrs Jones were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife goodbye and said, Well! I'm off now, the man should be here soon and I'll be back sometime tomorrow evening.

About half an hour later and just by total coincidence, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am', he said, I've come to...'

Oh, no need to explain, Mrs. Jones cut in, embarrassed, I've been expecting you.
Have you really?' said the photographer. Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?

Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !
After a moment she asked, blushing, Well, where do we start?

Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.
Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Larry and me!

Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.

My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Jones... Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.
Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Jones so quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. This was done on the top of a bus, he said.

Oh, my God!' Mrs. Jones exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
and these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.

She was difficult ? asked Mrs. Jones.

Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look...

Four and five deep? said Mrs. Jones, her eyes wide with amazement..

Yes, the photographer replied. and for more than three hours too! The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. Do you mean they actually chewed on your, err...equipment?
It's true! Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.
Tripod!! ?
Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on!
It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.


Mrs. Jones fainted...................

Great one Prof

it's clean