h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A former Sergeant Major in one of the British Armed Forces took a new job as a high school teacher after retiring from the army.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his
body.
Fortunately the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school.
The smart alex "students" having already heard the new teacher was a
former army man, were weary of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...The rest of the year went very smoothly.

How do you know if two elephants have made love in your backyard ??




Dustbin liners missing

Good one Prof

Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets?
Bootiques.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich or garlic soup.

Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist, and held onto the saddle horn, so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Great joke Prof

Q: How is Ducktape like the Force?
A: It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together.

Q. What's Boba Fett's favourite Christmas tune?
A. Jango bells, Jango bells, Jango all the way ....

Obi-Wan Kenobi: "There's been an error. It should have been Order 99 and not Order 66."
Yoda: "Order 99 you say? ....... then begun the cone wars have".

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so...

An English man a scots man an Irish man a Welsh man a Gurkha an American a Latvian a Turk an Aussie two kiwis a german a South African a Cypriot an Egyptian a Japanese a Mexican a spaniard a Russian a Pole a Lithuanian a Swede a Finn an Israeli a Dane a Romanian a Bulgarian a Serb a Swiss a Greek a Singaporean an Italian a buddhist and an Ethiopian walk into a bar and the bouncer says sorry I can't let you in without a Thai.

Dad: - Apparently our teenage daughter is pregnant with the child of the most famous man on Earth
Mum: - Really? Who's he then?
Dad: - The Unknown Soldier...

Paddy and his mate Murphy are two Irish men working at the local sawmill. One day, Murphy slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Murphy to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after his mate. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising"
THIS IS GOOD!
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Murphy out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Murphy slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Murphy off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising"

And sure enough, there's Murphy out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Murphy comes back to work.
But,unfortunately within a couple of days he has another accident and this time severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and his mates body to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Murphy is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead"
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in"

No! says the nurse, "Some dopey sod put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.
Little Tony said, OK and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!

- A stable? A manger? Seriously?
- What did you expect of a one star hostel?

Ok, Santa, so you've cocked up again. I asked for a five minute trolley dash around Tiffany's and what did you give me? Pink socks and a yellow tie. Just like last year. Who did you give the red Ferrari to, huh? What the heck made you think I'd like cerise socks and florescent orange tie? Yeah well, what it, or I'm on the roof with an anti aircraft gun. One jingle of a sleigh bell, one whiff of a reindeer, and I'm pulling the trigger. Advice warning for next Christmas.

Why Parents Drink:

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "ME.!!

Do you like GM food?

No they should stick to making cars

wo hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right-butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
"Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Do you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiancé will be put off by them."

"No problem," said his father, "All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her Mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancé will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast.
While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh no!" he replied, "You've swallowed my sock!"

Good one Prof

What is green and goes to summer camp?
A brussel scout!

What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Stop stalking me.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £500?"

Three men, all in their mid-90's, are being visited at the residential home they live in by a doctor who is administering memory tests.

The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?“
"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you arrive at that?”
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday"

Newly wed wife; Did you like the fried breakfast I made for you?
Husband: You've never done cornflakes before have you?

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one handy.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man....Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "Oh forget it – it’s only a photo of me before the operation.