h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Question: What did Jean Luc Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
Answer: ‘Make it sew.’
Question: What did the first officer answer when Picard asked ‘Why did you let DeannaTroi win at poker?’
Answer: ‘Because I Riker.’
Question: What did Worf say when small ice asteroids began hitting the Enterprise hull?
Answer: ‘Captain, we are being hailed.’
Question: How many of the Enterprise’s senior officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: All of them. One to put the light-bulb in, and the rest to debate the moral implications.
Question: What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
Answer: Worf Speed
Question: Did you hear that the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?
Answer: They have engaged the Borg.

An old gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember,
if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,

your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

An 98 year old man lay dying in his bed.  
While suffering the obvious signs of impending death looming, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed and leaning on a wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured gasping breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's icy grip, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there! Spread out upon a paper table cloth on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled heap.
His aged and withered hand trembled and reached forward towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a large spoon. 
 
bugger off" she shouted, "They're for your funeral!

If this is in an earlier part of this thread - shows--I don't remember being absent minded...

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh,heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

Three spinster sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or
down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,


'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

Albert calls on his close mate Cedric and says ... listen mate! I'm sleeping with the vicar's wife, can you keep him talking in church for an hour or so after services for me ?
Cedric doesn't like it, but being Albert's long time friend, he agrees reluctantly.
After the Sunday service, he starts talking to the vicar, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the vicar gets a bit annoyed and asks Cedric what he's really up to ?

Cedric, feeling most guilty, finally confesses to the vicar. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.

The vicar smiles with a beaming grin and puts a brotherly hand on Cedric's shoulder and says...My son! You'd best hurry home right now, because MY wife died two years ago!

It was absolutely chucking it down with rain and standing out in it, next to a large puddle, was an old Yorkshireman.
He was drenched, but stood there with a stick with a length of string attached with a bent paper-clip at the end.
A passer-by stopped and asked the old chap "what are you doing mate ?"
The old man replied "fishing of course"
The passer-by, feeling sorry for the old guy, said! Come with me out of the rain and I'll buy you a couple of beers in this pub/bar.
Sat at the bar and in the warmth of the place and ale at hand, the chap couldn't resist asking the old Yorkshireman about his "fishing" and asked "How many have you caught today then ?"
"Your the seventh! the old guy said with a grin!!!!

Some people are just like slinkies. No much good for anything, but always bring a smile to the face when pushed down stairs.

A tough young cowboy sitting in a saloon one evening recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be the top gunfighter in the west.
Do you think you could give me some tips ? he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.
Will that make me a better gunfighter ? asked the young man.
Sure will, 'replied the old-timer, it'll speed up your draw.
The young cowboy did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his Colt 45 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
The piano player carried on playing!
That's terrific! said the hot shot, do you have any more tips for me ?
Yep, said the old man, cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw.
Will that make me even a faster gunfighter ? asked the younger man.
You bet it will, said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch out, stood up and drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.
The piano player is still continued playing.
Wow! exclaimed the cowboy I'm learning something here, more than I thought
Got any more tips ?
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon, see that axle grease over there ? coat your gun with it.
The young shooter went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No! No! said the old-timer, I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.
Will that make me a totally better gunfighter ? asked the young man curiously.
'No, replied the old-timer, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

*makes notes *

Q: What kind of plant grow on your hand?
A: Palm tree.
Q: What does a tree drink?
A: Root Beer.
Q: Did you hear the one about the aluminium recycling plant?
A: It smelt!
Q: Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
A: Because it was feeling green.

There was teacher who was assisting one of her young pupils put on his boots, ready for going home after school, after he asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Eventually, after getting the first boot on. They got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. then she almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet"
She looked and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool (as teachers are trained to) together, they worked to get the boots back on, and this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, "these aren't my boots miss"
She bit her tongue, got a grip of the situation and rather than get right in his face and scream,
"Why didn't you say so at the start"
She carried on! Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots"
But my Mum made me wear 'em today.
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, now where are your mittens ? He said!

I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots...

She'll be eligible for parole in 2 year 3 month...............

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

An old man was sitting in the park, when an old lady with a dog sat down on the bench next to him. The old lady began knitting, while the dog pestered the man for his sandwiches. Finely the old man asked:
"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"
The old lady replied: "No."
So the old man got up and threw the dog over the fence.

a doggone good joke

Why are there no phone books in China?

Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.

Two women were playing a round of golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize..Please allow me to help! I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could help relieve your pain if you'd allow me ?

Oh, no, I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes, the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!'

That'th thumb joke all right.

When is a wizard not a wizard?

When he turns into his driveway.