h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

man with Alzheimer's :- help me out here love! am I coming to bed or have I just got up

Duz tha speak Yowkshire?

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
...................................................................................
A Yorkshire man’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
................................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
.

Prof

You know your a Geordie if

1. The metro is a train & somewhere where you can buy stuff
2. You used to or still do pray to the Gods Shearer, Keegan or Robson
3. You often end some of your sentences with “man” or “like”
4. You’re not taking the mickey when you say “Why Aye Man”
5. If your a lass Cheryl Cole is your idol and if your a lad you think ”she’s alreet her like“
6. If your under 30 Alan Shearer was your idol when you were growing up
7. You often buy a Greggs pastie for your breakfast or dinner
8. You don’t wear a coat to go out clubbing in the toon (Newcastle) even if it’s snowing or raining
9. You know the word “Canny” has more than one meaning
10. You love Chip Stotties
11. If your a girl you sometimes drink pints through a straw
12. Ganning clubbing in South Shields makes a refreshing change
13. You visit the Tynemouth Sea Life Centre at least once a year
14. Your mam or dad used to party on the Tuxedo Princess
15. You order gravy with your chips and nobody thinks it’s weird
16. Banter means you can totally slag someone off but no-ones allowed to get upset
17. It’s normal for you to say “Ye Alreet” to everyone (even strangers)
18. Unlike the rest of the UK you know the difference between Mackems and Geordies

Oh, thanks Prof. PHM would have loved those I used to pull his leg sometimes about his accent, and his lack of HHHs

Websailor

My Dad was a Vet; his hobby was taxidermy. It was always said that whatever happened, you were guaranteed to get your pet back.

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!

Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!

What is a myth?
A female moth!

Love, that one was tailorish - it had me in stitches.

Pit

By three measures a manager is known:
- The thickness of the carpet in his offfice.
- The area of his desk.
- The volume of his car's engine.

Committee Rules

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Friend of mine had an accident with his italian au pair girl. She got pregnant.

- We can't tell my wife, he said. - I will pay you good money to go back to Italy and once the baby is born I will support both you and it until it comes of age. Just send me a postcard whith the word 'spaghetti' on it after the child is born.

8 months later he came home one day to find his perplexed wife telling him 'You have received a very strange postcard'

- Oh really, he said, read it and fainted.

The postcard read:

Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti.
3 with meatballs, 2 without.

PS: Send more sauce

Love the joke Pierce

What do you call a coughing Quidditch commentator?
<>

What do you call jewelery that many people and I share?
<>

What do you call a teacher with a bad attitude? Moody Who would you call if you wanted to protect your Valentines?
<>

Why did Crabbe and Goyle cross the road?
They were following Draco.

Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So no one could tell what side he was on.

What do you call jewelery that many people and I share?
Rubeus (Ruby-us!)

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Deja vu

did you guess or did you stalk me here?

not checking to see if I've put this in before
but if if I have, I apologise

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly In his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

will it get past a yikesing or not ?

Three thicko’s are sitting on a porch shootin'
the breeze...

1st thicko: "My wife sure is stupid!!! She bought
an air conditioner..
2nd thicko: "Why is that stupid??"
1st thicko: We ain't got no 'lectricity!!"

2nd thicko: "That's nothin' !!!!! My
wife's so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st thicko: Why is that so stupid?"
2nd thicko: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd thicko: "That ain't nuthin' ! My
wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going
through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change,
and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd thicko’s: "Well, what's so dumb
about that?"
3rd thicko: "She ain't got no pecker..."

What do you say to a skeleton going on vacation?
Bone voyage!

What do you call two witches in the same room???
Broommates

What's the ratio of a jack-o'-lantern's circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi

How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch!

What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin with a jack-o-lantern.

Why do ghouls hang around with demons?
(sing this one): 'Cause demons are a ghoul's best friend!

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.

Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup.
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Rocky

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in
boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he
returned for more.

"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?"


I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three
more times tonight too."