h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We were in the pub, having a very expensive lunch.

I didn't get a tip

I only wanted a tip, but I got an entire iceberg

nteresting Ideas...

-- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

-- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

-- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

-- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

-- They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

-- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

-- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

-- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

-- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

-- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

-- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

-- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

-- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

Doctor's Visit

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.

"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

If Men Got Pregnant...

Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.

There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.

All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness.

Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

Fathers would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm.

Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.

They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.

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TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING


Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat wwith a wand and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), do a personation of a Klingon getting ready for battle or a Ferengi discussing the rules of acquisitions.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Smile to someone else at the table. In time, smile and then make it look like you are making notes.

Arrange to have a sceptical magician to enter the meeting, stare directly at the speaker for a while, burst into laughter, do a few unbelievable tricks, tell everyone they were seeing things and then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop falling asleep. Demand that the boss make him/her wake up.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

After a bank robbery in Leeds, a eye witness told the police that a large lorry pulled up and the tailgate dropped down, whereas a great massive elephant came out, then wrapped it's trunk around the ATM cash machine, ripped it from the wall and re entered the lorry which then drove off. The police asked the man what sort of elephant was it ? the man said he didn't know ? at which the police replied an African elephant has got large ears and an Indian elephant has small ears. The man still said he didn't know, the police said why!! the reply was it was wearing a stocking on it's head!

You need to understand the way Yorkshire folk speak to understand this...

A man loses his Wife of many years and is naturally grief stricken. With the help of his family, a funeral is arranged and a headstone ordered.

A couple of weeks later the man receives a 'phone call from the monumental mason who tells him the headstone is complete and has been placed at the head of the grave. Off goes the chap to view this memorial and on his arival he sees a polished granite stone with the usual message...HERE LIES... but the bottom line reads "LORD SHE WERE ALWAYS THIN". The man is consumed with rage and goes directly to the masons yard where he confronts him and says "Thou gert lummock, tha's missed an E off it, it looks ridiculous, ger it fixed or tha'll not get paid".

The mason protests his innocence but promises that he will re-visit his work immediately and review the situation. A couple of days later, the mason contacts the man and apologises, saying, "tha's absolutely right, in fact I'm ashamed to say that I missed two E's, but the matter has been put reet straight away".

Somewhat puzzled but also relieved the man pays another visit to his Wife's grave and collapses when he reads the bottom line, which now says...

"EE LORD SHE WERE ALWAYS THIN".

thumbs up

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to speak to the first man he sees and the man pipes up: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."
The Englishman, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."
This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what aq panic's in thy breastie! Thou need not start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"
The Englishman turns to the doctor accompanying him on the visit and asks what sort of ward this is. A psychiatric ward?
"No, No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit."

A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds .
The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them easily...
So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game. The Yorkshireman
is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet,
he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the
lawyer.
Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with
four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and
even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman
pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.
The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Yorkshiremen! we only talk different.

Hehehe, good man

cheers Pierce


but get the jokes in mateyour joke page needs you - err jokes

We heard recommendations about a restuarant just out of town and decided to pay it a visit. The dining room was very plush, lovely decor and the staff were charming so we ordered a drink and checked out the menu. At the top of the menu it clearly stated that all the Pork, Lamb, Beef and Chicken was either produced on the premises or was locally sourced and honestly prepared; this I decided to challenge and called for the manager, I explained that I had seen these sort of claims before and was a little sceptical about the statement. He called me over to the rear of the dining room and pulled the curtains aside, inviting me to take a look, sure enough, I could see fields behind the building with animals and chickens roaming free and looking very content. I was certainly impressed, but them my Wife chimed in and asked what "honestly prepared" meant. "Ah" said the manager, "we don't bother with all this humane stuff, we take the animals into the prep room and tell them straight YOU GONNA DIE!"

We drove back to town and went for a pizza.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless summer dress, walked into a bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a woman drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her!
But down at the end of the bar,an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, Tell me mate! it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied!
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the front door!
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain is asking for a push.

Not a chance! says the husband, it's 3:00 in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that? asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push, he answers.
Did you help him? she asks.
No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!
Well, you have a short memory, says his wife. Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, Hello, are you still there?
Yes! comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
Yes please! comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you? asks the husband.

Over here on the swing, replied the drunk.

two old redneck hillbillies were w*rking a field when one of them suddenly remembered "hey, this is the field were i lost my virginity. and when i was done i noticed her mother standing behind us staring at us"

"oh dear" said the other "what did she say?"

"mooooohhhhh"

An Australian is walking past a restaurant when he notices a sign in the window “cook wanted”, so he goes in to apply. The manager says “can you cook?” the Aussie retorts! CAN I COOK! Pass me an egg, he gets the egg and tosses it up in the air, hits it back in the air with his right elbow and then again with his left elbow, followed by nutting it towards the frying pan, where it hits the edge of the pan, with the egg going into the frying pan and the shell to the side. The manager is astounded and calls the staff over, the manager asks the Aussie to do it again, but the Aussie says pass me two eggs and commences to do the same thing, up in the air, right elbow, left elbow, nutting them and again! The eggs hit the side of the pan, eggs in pan and shells to the side. WOW! The staff applauds like mad as does the manager, at which the Australian says THAT’S nothing! Pass me a dozen eggs. To which! All twelve get thrown in to the air, from right elbow back up in the air, falling to right foot, up and over to left foot, kicked up to left elbow and THEN nutted towards the frying pan edge. All the eggs follow on and once more hitting the edge of the pan, eggs in to the pan and shells to the side. Well! What can one say, the entire kitchen was ecstatic, they were clapping, shouting, patting him on the back, saying good enough for Guinness Book of records and never seen anything like it before etc etc. The Australian calls the manager over and says do I get the job then? the manager says no bloody chance, you muck about too much!!!