h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"I want your meanest attack dog," the man told the kennel owner. "I need to protect my business." "No problem," said the kennel owner, "I've got just the dog for you!" Soon they came upon a large snarling dog, biting and clawing at its cage. "This one?" asked the businessman. "Oh, he's not bad, but I have a better one in mind." Next they found a huge vicious dog that snarled at them and tried to bite through the wire of the cage. "Ah," said the man. "This is the one." "No," said the owner. "Keep walking." He led them to a medium-sized dog, lying quietly on his side, licking his paws. He didn't even notice the men approach. "This one!" said the proud owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "Are you kidding?! This is no attack dog.He's
just lying there, licking his paws!" "Yeah, I know," said the owner. "But that's because he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth!"

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Okay," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of kissing. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty useless," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left body part." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right body part tied to bedpost."

Some claim that it's difficult to learn the English language - and that learning to spell can be pure guesswork. Many cite the following as examples.. .

a. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
b. A backward poet writes inverse.
c. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
d. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
e. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
f. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
g. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
h. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
i. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
j. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
k. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
l. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
m. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
n. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
o. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
p. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
q. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
r. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
s. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
t. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
u. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
v. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
w. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
x. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
y. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
z. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
aa. Every calendar's days are numbered.
ab. A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
ac. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
ad. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
ae. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
af. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
ag. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
ah. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
ai. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
aj. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
ak. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

It's time to limit politicians to two terms: one in office ...and one out of office!

Why is it when a woman is pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say "Congratulations!" yet no one pats the man on the back and says, "Good job!"

This Economy Is So Bad that... I opened the post and found a pre-declined credit card. I ordered a Whopper at Burger King and they asked me, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's now play miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 councillor's. The bank returned my cheque marked "Insufficient Funds" and I had to call them to ask if they meant me or them. Stock in Hot Wheels is trading higher than GM. McDonalds is selling a quarter-ouncer. The Mafia are laying off judges. Mayfair parents fired their nannies and had to learn their kid's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six has stopped leaving the light on.

You know what happens to little angels who spread their arms instead of their wings? Instead of a harp, they get a piano!

The Year's Best Actual Headlines (yes, they are real!)

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

23. War Dims Hope For Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors"

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honour of this christmas season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins....

I was going to hang some fat balls out for the birds, but they've all grabbed their bonuses and jetted of to the sunshine.

a bloke goes to the doctors and asks can he inject some viagra under his eyes ?
the doctor says I beg your pardon!
the man repeats saying! can he inject some viagra under his eyes ?
the doc' says WHY do you want viagra under your eyes ???
the man replies "so I can look hard"

the harder they come the harder they fall

old bloke goes to the doctors and asks for some viagra and can he dice them in to 4 pieces ?
the doctor says Yes no problem,but I have to tell you that a quarter tablet will not do anything for you!
the man replies look! I'm 92 years old! I only want it long enough so I don't pee on my slippers

Don't dissolve viagra in a drink, it gives you a stiff neck.

Christmas cracker jokes

Q. How do you keep cool at a football match?
A. You stand next to a fan.

Q. A barrel of beer fell on a man's head but he wasn't hurt why?
A. It was a light ale.

Q. Why are brides unlucky?
A. They never marry the best man.

Q. What does the word minimum mean?
A. A very small mother.

Q. What do you get if your cross a chicken with gunpowder?
A. An egg-splosion.

Q. How do you communicate with fish?
A. Drop him a line.

Q. How do you get down from an elephant?
A. You don't, you get it from a duck.

re 553:

i am told they give each man at the old people's home half a viagra every morning so they don't pee on their slippers and a whole every evening so they don't roll out of bed

or then again! they can't

Bill and Roy are two Yorkshire men working at the local sawmill. Norman is very accident prone. One day Norman slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Roy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Norman to the local hospital. Next day, Roy goes to the hospital and asks about Norman. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Roy couldn't believe it, but there's Norman out in the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Norman slips and severs his leg on another big saw. So Roy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Norman off to the hospital. A day later he goes to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Norman out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Norman comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Roy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Norman to the hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Norman is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead". For a moment Roy is shocked, but after thinking for a few seconds he is not really surprised, and says to the nurse: "I suppose the saw finally did him in".

"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

typical of us

Never said a word

Websailor