h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Doctor !
Doctor who ?
That's right, have you seen my !

Why did Doctor Who surf the net?
He was looking for the Cyberman.

Why did the Dalek apply for a job in pest control?
He liked the job description - "Exterminate! Exterminate!"

Why is Doctor Who a regular at the dentist?
He doesn't want to lose his K9.

What did Bill Gates say to the Cyberman?
"Upgrade or you will be deleted!"

Why did the Titanic sink?
Because the Doctor didn't try his TARDIS to save it!

What does Doctor Who have with his pizza?
Dalek bread

How does a Dalek keep its skin soft?
Exfoliate!

Man - Well! We’re celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary and all those years of wonderful married bliss to a faithful loving and hard working wife.
Woman – err! Not exactly true
Man – how do you mean not true?
Woman – well I’ve actually been unfaithful to you 3 times
Man – 3! When! Who! How! Where!
Woman – you remember when you started your business up and you couldn’t find a backer and no one would take a risk with you and then that banker came to your aid, your business took off and now you’re a millionaire
Man – yes?
Woman – I slept with the banker first
Man – you did that for me?
Woman – yes!
Man – well! I think in that circumstance I can forgive you. What about the second time?
Woman – Do you remember when you had that illness and no one would take the risk of operating on you, as the odds were too great and it was too dangerous undertake, then that surgeon stepped forward and basically saved your life
Man – yes?
Woman – I slept with the surgeon first
Man – you did that for me also!
Woman – yes!
Man – well! I think in those circumstances as well, that I can forgive you once more, but what about the third time?
Woman – remember when you wanted to be President of the golf club and you were 52 votes short!!!!!!!!

Q: What do sheep do on sunny days?
A: Have a baa - baa - cue!

I don't think this has a copyright, as it's all over the internet in one form or another.


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system... Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain.....good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Why did the chicken cross the road:

"Lord of the Rings": One Road to rule them all, one Road to find them, one Road to bring them all, and on the pavement bind them...

Why did Bilbo cross the road?
To see the chickens...one last time.

Why did Merry cross the road?
Because it was the big one...big one!

Why did Saruman cross the road?
To catch chickens for orc-breeding.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To rescue Gandalf from the tower.

Why did Gandalf cross the road?
Because he was riding on the chicken.

Why did the Black Rider cross the road?
To reattach all the pillow-feathers to the chickens.

Why did Elrond cross the road?
To cast the chicken into the fire, and destroy it!

Why did Galadriel cross the road?
If the chicken strayed but a little, it would fail.

Why did Gollum cross the road?
To eat the chicken.

Why did Pippin cross the road?
To beat Gollum to eating the chicken.

Why did Sam cross the road?
To make Pippin cook the chicken first.

Why did Frodo cross the road?
The chicken was his guide and he was bound to it and it to him.

Why did Boromir cross the road?
Because Frodo was bound to the chicken.

Why did Aragorn cross the road?
The chicken's fate was no longer in his hands.

Why did Faramir cross the road?
He and the chicken finally understood one another.

Why did Legolas cross the road?
Because he could not linger. Not even for chicken.

Why did Gimli cross the road?
He didn't. He was thrown.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Harry Potter: I don't know why it crossed the road. We should get under my Invisibility Cloak and follow it, see what it's up to.

Ron Weasley: Wicked! But we're not going into the Forbidden Forest. – What's for dinner tonight, chicken roast?

Hermione Granger: It's unnatural for a single chicken to behave like that. I read that they are gregarious animals and live in flocks. Maybe someone used a spell on it – I'll be in the library!

Cornelius Fudge: Dumbledore, you're not saying that a chicken crossed this road? But - that cannot be true. Please, it just can't.

Lord Voldemort: This chicken has crossed the road, and I believe it has left us forever. It will be punished, of course.

Lucius Malfoy: Of course, My Lord.

Bellatrix Lestrange: My Lord, I believe this particular chicken only pretended to cross the road. We cannot be sure of its true allegiance.

Draco Malfoy: What do I care about a stupid Muggle animal? For all I care, it can cross the road and get itself killed.

Pansy Parkinson: It might have fleas. Chickens are so dirty.

Neville Longbottom: Trevor escaped again. I think he is scared because Snape fed him that Potion. Maybe that chicken also is afraid and simply wanted to flee - but I'll go and get them back safely.

Firenze: The stars do not concern themselves with such trivial matters. However, I have agreed to aid this chicken should it come into danger on the other side of the road.

Bane: Have you no pride? Centaurs do not mingle with chickens.

Bartemius Crouch Sr.: We must follow and observe this chicken. There may be a simple explanation why it crossed the road... however... if there isn't... we may be forced to employ the Unforgivable Curses.

Moaning Myrtle: You care more about the motives of a filthy chicken than you care about me. Oh, no one ever cares for moaning, miserable, moping Myrtle! Oooooooh! (starts crying and disappears down the u-bend)

Nearly-Headless Nick: I am afraid I am not much of an expert on chicken behaviour. But if it is a ghostly service you require, I shall be happy to help.

Rubeus Hagrid: Hogwarts is summat dangerous fer chickens. Remember 'em dead roosters? If I was you I'd not let a chicken on tha' road to Hogsmeade.

Fang: Wrroooof! (hides in Hagid's hut)

Nymphadora Tonks: We did this road-crossing thing in the Auror training. Would you believe it, I almost failed because I tripped half-way. Hey, I can make my hair look like chicken feathers. Which colour should I do?

Fleur Delacour: You 'ave chickens 'ere in 'ogwarts? And zey are allowed to cross ze avenue just like zat? But zees is like a farm!

Rita Skeeter: You don't mind if I use a Quick-Quotes Quill to report on that chicken, do you? – So, why do you think it crossed the road? Come on, dearie, our readers will want some tidbits of that story.

Percy Weasley: I fail to understand why this should be funny. A single chicken crossing a road can be a serious incident. I wrote a twelve-page report on all possible explanations. Mr Crouch should have it by this evening, even though it was due tomorrow morning. I am certain he will appreciate my effort.

Arthur Weasley: Muggle animals are so interesting to observe. Look, after crossing the road, it has started scratching the soil. I am glad Molly agreed to have non-magical chickens at The Burrow.

Molly Weasley: Ginny, dear, did you feed the chickens today like I asked you?

Ginny Weasley: Yes, Mum. (sighs) But don't you want to know why the chicken crossed the road? Harry thinks it's important.

Aberforth Dumbledore: My goats are on the other side of the road. Goats and chickens get along just fine.

Mad-Eye Moody: And how d'you know it is a chicken? Might be a Death Eater in disguise, that's why it's crossing the road. Constant vigilance!

Gilderoy Lockhart: In my next book, I shall tell you about the Giant Chicken of Sumatra and how I defeated it.

Dolores Umbridge: Hem hem. Educational Degree Number Ninety-Nine states that no chickens are allowed to cross the road, unless the Hogwarts High Inquisitor gives permission.

Argus Filch: It might just be a bird to you, but to me it's cleaning chicken dirt away. That chicken can just go on crossing the road and need not come back, don't you think so, my sweet?

Mrs Norris: Meow? (thinks of chicken-flavored treats)

Pomona Sprout: That chicken is not going near my vegetable patch, is it? The Chinese Chomping Cabbage might not like that.

Filius Flitwick: I am certain we can protect the cabbage – and the chicken – with an easy little charm. Remember, it is just swish and flick, swish and flick...

Dobby: Would Harry Potter like Dobby to go search for that chicken? Dobby saw it on the other side of the road.

Sirus Black: Just watch Snuffles find that chicken in no time! (transforms into dog shape, and leaps across the road)

Crookshanks: (follows the big black dog)

Sybill Trelawney: Eeeeeek! My boy – my dear boy – no, no, it is kinder not to say it… (pauses dramatically) My dear, I have seen the falcon. Your chicken may have a deadly enemy.

Minerva McGonagall: Potter, are you telling me that after the warning I gave you last Monday you lost your chicken again? If Professor Umbridge finds out, I shall have no choice but to put you in detention.

Severus Snape: That is ten points from Gryffindor. Chickens are not allowed on the road.

Fred Weasley: He just made that up! Hey, how about a Chicken Custard Pie –

George Weasley: – based on the same spell as Canary Creams? Oi, everyone, it's ten percent off you next Skiving Snackbox if you're willing to volunteer as a tester!

Albus Dumbledore: Personally, I find it a rather charming animal. By all means, do let it cross the road if it wants to. – That reminds me, Minerva, have I told you the joke about the chicken and the dragon who walk into a bar and...

Fawkes: Chirp? (thinks of chicken bone)

How many Dark Lords does it take to light a wand?
Two: One to light it, and one to kill him and take the credit.

How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?
Two: One to light it and one to blame the Gryffindors in case it doesn't work.

How many centaurs does it take to light a wand?
None. Mars is unusually bright tonight.

How many Umbridges does it take ti light a wand?

Five. Two to make a ministry decree about it, two to make sure it doesn't break the rules, and one to light it.

How Many Bellatrixes does it take to light a wand?
Two. One to light it, and one to crucio the first and present it to the Dark Lord.

How many Voldemorts does it take to light up a wand?
None. Why do you think he’s called the “Dark” Lord?


Q: How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?
A: None, They are too stupid to become ‘bright’.

How Many Elves Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Indeterminable. One to build three new light bulbs and then lose them to a Dark Lord. A couple thousand to go over seas to try and get it back in a long series of wars. Two to destroy the light bulbs by casting them into seas or down chasms. One to sing a dark lord to sleep and recapture the light bulb.

Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nine - One standing on another's shoulders to reach it, three ready to catch the second hobbit in case he falls, another three to stand in for the catchers over lunch break, and one more to figure out how to cook the lightbulb when they get it out.

A1: One hobbit and a large heap of Russian translations of
The Lord of the Rings to help him reach the lamp.

A2: Two hobbits, (because one is only as tall as half a man), one magician to read the words written on the lamp, and you need to gather a band of men, hobbits, elves and dwarves to carry broken lightbulb and to destroy it in Orodruin.

How many hobbits does it take to change a light
bulb?

One to complain that the light bulb isn't working,
Five to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it,
Twenty to form an expedidtion to the fabled Lightbulb mines of
Mythrill,
Thirty to throw a going away party,
One to ask Gandalf for directions,
One to thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb mine,
Two to carry the lightbulbs,
Five to find a large, sword-welding barbarian to escort the
lightbulbs home,
Thirty to throw a safe return party,
Five to find an elf tall enough to change the lightbulb,
Five to compose ballads of daring, heroism, sacrifice and
lightbulbs,
Finally another two-hundred to appear in the subsequent
Tolkien books.

a bloke say to his mate - what sort of dog/breed are you buying then ?
his mate says - a Golden Labrador!
Hang on mate, I wouldn't buy one of those
why not!?
Have you seen how many owners of those dogs go blind

How many members of the infamous Harry Potter trio does it take to light a wand?
All three of them. Harry to light the wand, Ron to be jealous of his wand-lighting ability, and Hermione to give the complete history of wands and the 'Lumos' spell.

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my dog!

What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
Turns over a new leaf!

3 blokes talking in a pub and one says "I think my wife's having an affair with a joiner, I found a saw under the bed and it wasn't one of mine"

The second man said "I think MY wife is having an affair with a plumberI found a adjustable spanner under the bed and it CERTAINLY wasn't one of mine"

The third bloke stated that he thought his wife was having an affair with an horsethe other two looked with mouths wide open a Horse!!! how do you work that out ?

he replied "I found a jockey under the bed"

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance.

However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Q. What do you call a drunken deer that happily works as a surgeon?

A. Merry 'ol Doc Brandied Buck

Where did the Elven dentist live?

At the mouth of the Anduin...

There once was a man named Sam.
who ate lots of ham.
But then became a dancer,
with the deer that was a lancer,
who were all became very drunk,
after falling in to a gigantic treasure trunk.

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The priest fainted

Great joke Prof

HAYDN'S CHOPIN LISZT AT VIVALDI'S:
Rossini and cheese
Schumann polish
Bern-n-stein remover
Satie mushrooms
batteries (Purcell)
BeethOVEN cleaner
Hummel microwave meals
orange Schubert
TchaiCOUGHsky drops
marshMahlers
Honey-nut Berlioz
Cui-tips
Chef Boyardee Raveli
sour cream and Ives
Strauss (straws)
chocolate Webers (wafers)
Del Monteverdi corn
Mozart-rella cheese
I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
Bach of serial (opera)
chicken Balakirev
new door Handel
Golden Brahms
Clemen-TEA
Little Debussy snack cakes
Oscar Meyerbeer bologna