h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the Church Board, following the close of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. “You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the Board Members,” explained the minister.

“I know,” said the man. “but if there is anyone was who more bored than I was, then I’d like to meet him.”

Good one Thinker, made me giggle
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Anyone want to buy an arc? I noah guy

F1926355?thread=5120444&skip=0&show=20

"Anyone want to buy an arc? I noah guy" you like puns MSM see aboveno straight talking in there

Dear reader,

It’s important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Harry. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Mary to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a very fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



EDITOR'S NOTE:
Harry died suddenly on November 29 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Harry, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

------------------------


Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Thanks msmonsy.

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."


The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Four old retired cockneys are walking down a street in London . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, spirits, beer—it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people on holiday from Yorkshire! They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price”.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

Ouch!

Lol .

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Carl Sagan:
There are billions and billions and billions of such chickens, crossing
roads just like this one, all across the universe.

Albert Einstein
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

Stan Kegel
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken
depends upon your frame of reference.
It was a relatively easy thing to do.
The true value of a chicken can be found in the degree to which it has
attained liberation from the self.

bloke 1 - did you know that having sex, burns as many calories off as having a 8 mile run.

bloke 2 - who the hell can run 8 mile in 5 seconds!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street; one from London, another from Bristol and the third from Liverpool.
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't take down any measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."
The official, incredulously says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure ?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

Whassafugg you think they did when they moved the German government back to Berlin?

Q: What is it called when Iron Man does a cart wheel?
A: A Ferrous Wheel!

Q: What did Iron Man say to Spider Man?
A: "Don't bug me."

Q) Which super villain avoided some wood?
A) Raven Darkholme! (missed teak)

At the Hellfire Club, as Sebastian Shaw A.K.A. The Black King and Emma Frost A.K.A. The White Queen are having an argument

Emma: I had it with you making me dress like her

Shaw: Her name is Tessa!

Emma: Who cares, I am leaving

Shaw: And where do you thing you're going?

Emma: To the X-Men

Shaw: No way

Emma: I already packed my things. Am leaving tonight and theirs nothing your or her can do about it

Shaw: Your serious. Well good luck, am sure they will let you in with open arms.

Emma: I'll take my chances

Emma leaves. Three months later

Shaw: It's been three months already and Emma has already saved the world twice. Maybe I should become an X-Men. Hey Tessa where are you?..Oh wait never mind.

A Leeds man walks into a High Street bank & asks for a loan.

He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two weeks & needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Yorkshire lad hands over the keys and
documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book & everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking Yorkshireman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.

The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage, where he parks it.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of £15.41.

The bank officer says to the Yorkshireman, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out further & found that you are a multi-millionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?

The Yorkshireman replies: "Where else in Leeds can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return!!!

Sweep has committed a bank robbery! and Sooty had a hand in it

Nurse will the doctor be a' round soon?

No, he'll be tall and slim as usual!


What is a hedgehog's favourite snack?

Prickled onions!



Knock, Knock....

Who's there?

Greta....

Greta who?

Greta friend like that again and you'll end up with none at all!

May I go to the toilet miss ?

NO! wait while playtime

Miss! I really need to go to the toilet

You can wait until playtime!

BUT! BUT! MISS! I need the toilet

OH all right, but first! say the alphabet!

A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.Q.R.S.T.U.V.W.X.Y.Z

alright the, where's the P ?

running down my leg Miss

A lady helps her man to install a new computer. Once it is completed,
she tells him to select a password, a word that he'll always remember.
as the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho
gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word but he is annoyed with her reaction
when he selects: penis. As he hits "enter", to validate the selection,
his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria

The computer had replied:

TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!