h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A story written to celebrate the One Year Anniversary of the Lord Mike Saga, begun on August 26, 2002.

**********

INT. QUEEN PAMELA'S PALACE

(In the largest room of the Palace, a feast was laid out for the heroes and supporting characters of the Lord Mike Adventures.)

(At the head of the table, on a raised dais, sat Queen Pamela herself in all her glory. On her right side was Lord Michael K. Mills, OBE, the enigmatic Protector of the Boards, and on her left was King James Lindsay in a high chair.)

(Next to Lord Mike were Commander Matt Painter and Lady Marian von Wer, with Sir Lance Bayliss and General Steven Ford across from them.)

(Also present were Princess Lissa Brideford, Simon Bufanda, psychiatrist extrordinaire, Nibbles the Royal Otter, King Hurricane and his wife, the lovely Jenny May -- and of course, the Royal Cook McCow was somewhere about, having for once made a meal that was edible. Though it had been rumoured the someone had gone to the local store instead...)

Queen P: To think, Lord Mike, that it was a year ago today that the Stainless Steel Rat tried to take over the Boards.

Lord Mike (enigmatically): Yes indeed. An occasion well worth celebrating, as I, with the help of Commander Painter, defeated him, and became Lord Protector, thus able to serve you Majesty better.

Queen P: Our pleasure entirely, Lord Mike.

Comm Painter: Ours as well, Your Majesty. (to Lord Mike) I do hope everything goes well, m'Lord.

Lord Mike: It should, it should.

Lady Marian (overhearing): Er, Lord Mike.

Lord Mike: Yes?

Lady Marian: You don't think the SSR is going to try something, do you? I mean, he's quite a tenacious villian, isn't he?

Lord Mike: Well if he does, we shall defeat him, my good Lady Marian.

Lady Marian (twirls her parasol): Ah, that'll be fun.

(She looks around to see Sir Lance and General Ford deep in a mostly one-sided conversation.)

General Ford: ... So then I knew it had to 562, because otherwise there were a lot of days missing from the rest of the planet.

Sir Lance (wonderingly): You're so smart Steve!

Lady Marian: What are you talking about?

Sir Lance: Oh, Steven's just been telling me that the last year wasn't 365 days really -- it was 562.

Lady Marian: Oh? Why's that?

General Ford: Well, it's quite complicated, but it all has to do with socks and badgers.

Sir Lance (admiringly): It's really clever; Steven's a very clever person.

General Ford: Oh, I'm sure there must be cleverer people than me somewhere -- I've never seen them, but still.

Lady Marian: Hm, indeed.

General Ford: Oh look! Food!

Sir Lance: This is supposed to be a feast.

General Ford: How was I to know, no one told me.

Sir Lance (hungrily): It's all very nicely set out.

General Ford: It's meant to be eaten, Lance, not looked at.

Sir Lance: Oh...

(Further down the table, Princess Lissa, was talking to Nibbles and King Hurricane, while Jenny glared at him.)

Princess Lissa: Oh no, Nibbles, not on the table! Sit in your chair.

Nibbles: Eep eep eeeep eep!

Princess Lissa: Of course, Nibbles. As I was saying, Mr. Hurricane, this is a splendid party.

Hurricane: Yes, so it is. I hear there's going to be dancing later on. Might I have the honour of first dance?

Jenny: Hurricane!

Hurricane: Well, second dance then.

Princess Lissa: Er, well if your wife doesn't mind... I would be ever so pleased.

Hurricane: Good then.

Jenny: Hurricane, would you get me another drink?

Hurricane: Of course, my dear. Where's that waiter got to?

(At the other end of the table, King Lindsay is having one of his fits again.)

Lindsay: I won't eat that rotton stuff, I want ice cream!

Queen P: James, you're making a scene.

Lindsay: I know and I don't care!

Lady Marian: Well you might stop throwing your food about.

Lord Mike: Lindsay, I'm afraid I'll have to insist on you eating your supper.

Lindsay (pouts): Can't. It's all over the floor.

Lady Marian: Well, you could clean it up at least.

Lindsay: Can't reach.

Queen P: Oh, never mind, we'll just get him some more food. Commander Painter, would you call the Cook McCow?

Comm Painter: I don't see him anywhere, your Majesty.

Queen P: He's supposed to be serving during the dinner. Where can he have got to?

Lord Mike: I see him, your celestial Highness. Down talking with Simon Bufanda.

Simon: It seems to me that your problem is -

Cook McCow: Never mind my problems; I haven't got any, so you're wasting your time. Your problem is that you haven't anything vaguely useful or intelligent to do with yourself.

Simon: Really, I think we haff -

Cook McCow: You just sit babbling nonsense to bunches of neer-do-wells with no brains of their own all day long, and -

Queen P: Cook McCow!

McCow: Eh?

Queen P: Get up at once and continue serving as you were told to!

McCow (getting up resignedly): Oh, all right.

(He saunters out of the room and into his Kandy Kitchen.)

Simon: He said my Swiss Miss was disgrace to beveragedom... But I know he was wrong, so I shan't let it concern me and result perhaps in severe emotional trauma, or something equally unpleasant.

INT. LAIR OF THE SSR

(In a darkly dreadful undergroung lair, the Stainless Steel Rat paced back and forth restlessly, ranting to himself.)

SSR: Oh, Lord Mike Millz, I'll have my revenge zomehow! You've defeated me on my firzt attempt and every time after, but I will win zomeday! Mark my wordz...

(Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.)

SSR: Oh, what iz it thiz time!

(He opens it to see--)

Emperor Martin: Muahahahahaha!

SSR: What iz thiz...?

Tempus: We've come to give you a certainly celebratory celebration.

(Outside are Lord Ike, Stefen Fjord, Lady Marion, Llance Boyohlis, Professor Lobsterson, The Teacher, Thompson, Paris DeTotty, Absoluta Rubbish, and all the other villains who were ever defeated by Lord Mike.)

Tempus: It was his idea.

Emperor Martin: I thought you needed some cheering up, and all the good guys are having a party, so...

Tempus: So, we planned a perfectly portentious party, where we could think up an impossibly irrevocable evil scheme.

(The SSR snarls and slams the door in their faces.)

SSR: Foolz! But... they have given me an idea...

INT. BANQUET HALL, PALACE

(A nameless servant enters the Hall and hands a telegram to Lord Mike, which he opens with the letter-opener attachment of his cane.)

(He takes one look at it and gasps.)

Lord Mike:

Lady Marian: What is it, Lord Mike?

General Ford: Is it something bad?

Lord Mike: It's... A blank piece of paper!

Sir Lance: What does it say?

Lord Mike: This could only be the work of one person: The Stainless Steel Rat!

Comm Painter: Egads, Holmes!

Lady Marian: Should we go and defeat him then?

Lord Mike: I think we must, yes.

Cook McCow: Oh, I see how it is! Just when I make supper; you go and run off to fight some evil thingy bobber and then leave me here to clean up this mess!

Lord Mike: But that's how the story goes.

Cook McCow: I don't care, none of you are leaving this table until you've eaten your supper all gone!

LAdy MArian: I don't think we should wait. SSR could be reaking unknown havoc on the world!

Everybody looks up to McCow who is twirling a knife dangerously in his hand.

Lord Mike: No, Marian, I think we should sit here a while and enjoy this plentiful meal the cook made, isn't that right Steven.

Steven: I thought someone had gotten take out...

Commander Painter and Lance both hit Steven with a silver platter and a gravey boat, respectively.

Commander Painter: Looks as if the Stainless Steel Rat going to get away with his plans for a while....

Lance: Naw, I heard that he was just having a big party.

Lissa: You weren't paying much attention to the post were you?

Lance: Nope.

Simon: I think you haff to start respecting the plot even when you're not in it dear boy. It's all very important to you're identity. As for Mr.Painter and Mr. Ford it is impolite to use morse code in public.

McCow: Jeez you can really tell who's writing this, isn't that right, Mr. I Think We Need To Have The Twerpy Psychologist Say The Biggest Lines!

Professor Watt staggers into the hall.

Professor Watt: It-it's horrible.

Lord Mike: What is!

Professor Watt: IT is! Some one has to stop him he going to destroy most of the boards. THey can't remain stable much longer at the rate he's doing what he's doing!

Lord Mike: What is he doing!

Professor Watt: Don't you know!?

Lord Mike: No, and I'm not that way inclined!

LAdy Marian: THat didn't make any sense!

Lord Mike: I know, but I thought I'd add it in for good measure, just in case there was a joke in there.

LAdy Marian: Ahh.

Lord Mike (jumping up and being dramatic) : Quickly to the.....

McCow: EAT!

Lord Mike: ...Erm, to your seats and par take of this most bountiful feast.

Great gathering gobstoppers! Will our heroes ever get away from the dinner table to stop the Stainless Steel Rat from doing what ever it is he's doing? Will Steven ever clean that gravy stain off his shirt? And will any one explain why Mr. Bufanda's first name is Simon? Find out in the next smashing episode!

McCow: Oi! Narrator where do you think you're going I said eat!

Narrator: But..

McCow: No buts just eat that food on your plate!

SSR: And now you will all die ... hold on, is that a steak?

Lord Mike: Yes it is. Care for some?

SSR (blushes): Oh alright ... if you think I should.

(The Stainless Steel Rat chomps into the steak and it explodes.)

Stainless Steel Teeth (on ground): I knew it was a trick.

(And so it was that Cook McCow saved the day.)

THE END







-----

(Typical "BBC Spinning Globe" ident, as seen on TV)

Announcer: And now on BBCi, in a retrospective celebration of the First Anniversary of the Mike Mills Adventures on the Doctor Who Message Boards, we present the "Mike Mills Theme Night".

At Nine-Thirty we present 'The Royal Feast' a new mini adventure created especially for this anniversary.

At Ten-O'clock will be a facinating Documentary about Locaiton Filming, "Lord Mike on Location", which goes to some of the famous locations where Mike Mills Adventures have taken place.

At Eleven will be a repeat of the 1996 American co-funded "Lord Mike TV Movie", starring Paul McGann as Lord Mike.

But first, here is a special presentation: The original Black and White pilot episode, thought lost forever until that day Matt Painter looked in his underwear drawer and found the missing film canisters.

Next on BBCi ... the black and white Pilot episode "An Unearthly Title".

-----



"An Unearthly Title"

(A foggy London night. A Policeman is doing the rounds at a rubbish dump, at 77 Totters Lane. He briefly considers investigating when he hears a strange commotion coming from the Junkyard next door, but thinks better of it. He peers cutiously into the Rubbish Dump, but only sees a skip ('Dumpster' for our American friends) full of rubbish. He shrugs, and walks away.)

(We focus on the Dumpster, as we see a hand emerge from it ...)

--> A small house in Wales, Sunday the 23rd of August last year <--

(Mike Mills and his friend Matt Painter sit together, reading books. Neither have met Steven Ford or Lance Baylis, neither of whom appear in this story and don't appear for another few stories. Indeed, Mike has not yet battled the Rat and gained a title, he's simply "Mike of Wales".)

(Mike is reading "The Complete and Uncut Sherlock Holmes" and occasionally makes 'Tsk tsk' noises. Matt is reading "The Hitchikers guide to killing Rats". He closes his book and looks up as he hears a bell sound.)

Matt: Zounds, that is our alarm call! We have been called into action!

Mike: Don't get excited - It's only the doorbell.

(He stands and walks over to open the door. He finds himself talking to an old man in a Postmans uniform.)

Mike: And what are you supposed to be?

Postman: A postman. (reaches into sack) Here, have a letter.

(Mike looks at the letter.)

Mike: But this letter isn't even addressed to me.

Postman: That's not my fault squire. (doffs cap) Good day.

(Mike closes the door and goes back to Matt.)

Matt: Ah, not doubt a letter calling us to action?

Mike: Nope, the Postman is just too lazy to deliver it himself. Come Matthew, we must deliver this letter to its correct destination post haste.

Matt (puts on coat): Right. Where do we have to take it?

Mike: Next door.

Matt: Righto.

Mike: Quick, to the ... do you know, I wish I had a car.

Matt: Why?

Mike: Because then I could say 'Quick to the car!' in a dramtic tone.

Matt (laughs): Next you'll be telling me you're a Lord and you have a whole group of stupid sidekicks!

(Short pause, then Mike punches Matt playfully in the arm and laughs himself.)

Mike: Ah yes, that'll be the day. That'll be the day. Quick, to next door!

(Michael and Matthew hurry out of the front door, and begin the long journey to the house next door)

Matt: Wait a toe tickling second, Mr Painter... there is no house next door to us!

Mike: Maybe it's on the other side of the house.

Matt: Good point. You know, in all the years I've lived in this house, I've never looked out of the left hand window.

Mike: You don't live in this house. I do.

Matt: Oh, that would explain it.

(Nearby, a funny looking chap walks into a lamppost)

Matt (underbreath): Idiot.

Mike: Come along Matt, we've got to deliver this letter.

(They cross to the house next door, and Mike knocks on the door.

They wait.)

Mike: You know, I feel like writing a lot of messages on an obscure BBCi cult messageboard.

Matt: You ought to be careful doing that. If you write a lot, they might knight you or something, and then you might star in a series of ficitonal adventures on the boards spoofing the whole action adventure genre.

(Mike looks at him oddly)

Mike: Maybe...

Matt: I wonder if I'll ever be a Colonel. That would be great, wouldn't it. Colonel Painter.

Mike: Wouldn't it be better if you were a decorator?

Matt: Why?

Mike: Um... never mind.

(They continue to wait)

Mike: You know, the owner of this house sure is taking a long time to answer the door.

(The door opens)

---Advert Break---

Coming soon to BBC:

Celebrity Radiator Challenge: Eight Contestants have to guess which radiator belongs to which celebrity. Digital viewers can press the red button... don't ask me why they can press the red button, but they can.

But, later on the Lord Mike Saga Theme Night:

How was the Lord Mike Saga made? Like this: A five minute documentary, showing two of the writers struggling to think of lines.

(Extract):

Mike (at keyboard): ...Um...

Lance (on floot): ...Hmm... what about... no...

And after that at a quarter past to seven twenty six - Lord Mike 101 things you didn't know about the saga:

(Extract):

Steven: I didn't know that...

Matt: Me neither.

And after that, the first of tonight's five minute sketches, featuring comedian Boris Hole, who plays the part of Mike Mills in the first of tonight's five minute sketches.

Sketch #1 (Duration: Five minutes)

Lord Mike and the Chair

Lord Mike (played by Boris Hole in the first of tonight's sketches which end five minutes later than they start) has to contend with a very large and lumpy chair... it turns out that the cause of the lumps is... the stainless steel rat!

And following on from the first of tonight's sketches which last for 300 seconds, editor Melvyn Plank tells us what the Lord Mike Saga has meant for him.

(Extract):

Melvyn: Oh course, there wasn't really enough news in it... or facts... but apart from that it was almost as good as the dailyness, which incidentally, can be found at www.dail-

(A BBCi logo in the shape of Lord Mike's Cane comes across the screen)

Lord Mike (vo): But first on bbcI, the next part of "An Unearthly Title":

Suddenly a face that looks a lot like the silly man that walked into the lamp post opens the door.

Neighbor: What you being here for, yes!?

Mike: Dear me, you mangled that sentence!

Neighbor: You are making fun of me, yes!?

MAtt: Who are you, and do you have to always say yes at the end of every sentence?

Neighbor: I am being Stefen Fjord and I'm the cousin of the silly billy person that is walking around here, yes.

Mike: Well, I'm going to give you this letter that the postman delivered to me because he was too lazy to deliver it to you, even though your house is first on the route and you have a mailbox at the end of your sidewalk where as he'd have to walk up to my house to deliver the letter....

Matt: Is there any point to this?

Stefen: Yes, I am being doing something quickly today, yes.

Mike: Hmm?

Mike hands Stefen the letter and the two, soon to be, intrepid heroes walk back home.

Stefen opens the letter and a giant spider jumps out to and attacks him.

Stefen: (struggling with the spider) I will be having my revenge for this, neighbor that is being next door, yes!

*****

Int van-like thing

A figure is watching the proceedings from a distance

Figure: Drat, foiled again. I'll just have to try Idea B. Mwahahahahahaha! I will rule the boards past, present and future!

A second figure drives up in a monster truck.

Figure2: Oh, darn I thought I was the only one to raid ideas from "Improbable Plan: 100"

Figure1: What are you doing here!?

Figure2: Well, after the Stainless Steel Rat slammed the door in our face I came up with this plan to destroy Mills before he becomes who he becomes.

Figure1: Well, I got here first so buzz off!

Figure2: Ahh, but you failed, so it's my turn!

A third figure saunters up to the van.

Figure3: Oh, for crying out loud I zought zis would be ingeniouz!

Figure2: I thought you were dead, you know steak, and then blammo.

Figure3: Ha, zat waz a tinfvoil replica I made fvor juzt zat ocazion

Figure1: Well, it doesn't matter, foiled or not, I was here first so you two buzz off!

Figure2: Hmm, maybe if we work together, I mean we're all half-way intelligent in our own rank, right. So...

Figure3: Zat nevaire workz. Zee villense end up only getting a zird ov zeir normal zcreen time and ztill get zwarted, and Tempuz iz a zcreen 'og!

Tempus: No I'm not! I think we could pull this off! Quickly, Martin, SSR, to the Tempus Hideout in Past! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!

SSR: Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

MArtin: Oh drat, left with the crummy consonants again, oh well. Gwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Suddenly a Commercial break:

Narrator: Hello there on this wonderful Mike Mills night. I'm sorry to interrupt your viewing pleasure but here's a quick rundown of what we have coming up after the break:

Immediately after we have: An Unearthly Title and then we have an even rarer chance to see the third earliest story- The acclaimed story: The Sledge of Destruction, a classic because it introduces so many concepts.

It was the first occasion to feature an outdoor shot, mostly because it was snowing at the time and everyone was boiling in the studio. It was also the first to feature a new maniacal supervillain Doctor Vicious, however in time he would grow in popularity to become Master Richard and then the Count and then finally Tempus Corruptus.

It was also the first to feature ickle Lance Bayliss as a stableboy, who would also grow in popularity to return as Sir Lance, here he is the only witness to a crime where Dr Vicious applies ABD to a sledge and lets Lord Mike and Captain Painter take a trip down the hill.
Because of this he is turned into a Mallard, something that would later happen to him again.

Let's watch an excerpt:

This is from episode two- Lance has spotted Dr Vicious tying a bomb to sledge.

Vicious: That Lord Mike character is not going to interfere now, he may have crushed the Rat and the Ikelets but not my plans! Just needs a good push and this ABD is exactly in the right place!

Ickle Lance: Excuse me Mister but why are you doing that?

Vicious: Egads, a spy in my midst. I must flee before I am discovered. Oh please do not hurt me, please I never meant to hurt anyone, I simply found the sledge like this- yes that's it!

Ickle Lance: Please mister, can I have a go on your sledge?

Vicious: What's this? A boy? Who are you boy?

Ickle: The day sir is Christmas day.

Vicious: I asked for your name, now cut the stock cockney boy acting and answer my question.

Ickle Lance: I am Ickle Lance as wot my name does say beside wot I am saying Guvnor.

Vicious: But your name was Ickle a moment a go? I put it to you that you are a spy for Lord Mike!

Ickle Lance: Oh to serve Lord Mike and fight evil, if only?

Vicious: Then you are a spy, condoned out of your own mouth, you confessed and blabbed and just said those words.

Ickle Lance: Okay Guvnor but can I sit on that sledge of yours now?

Vicious: No you can't but you can think about it as a duck!

(He pulls free his raygun for some reason and fires- Lance giggles before turning into in a cheesy CSO effct- a stock footage duck.)

Ickle Lance: Quack! Quack Quack!

Vicious: At last and no one will be able to tell Lord Mike about my secret bomb hidden beneath the sledge to give it that extra special kick! Hahahahahahaha!

END OF EXCERPT:

Narrator: Awe inspiring stuff, and now back to An Unearthly Title.

As the comercial subsides we see two forms walking to the Mills house; they are Mike and Matt. As they walk down the side walk a van-like thing zooms past them and the two, soon to be, heroes hear the maniacalness of the laughter.

Mike: Crazy nutters!

Matt: Must have been a good joke though.

Mike: Why?

Matt: Because they were laughing like a group of, hmmm, what laughes a lot?

Mike: Hyenas?

Matt: No too, obvious.

Mike: Aaaw, close enough.

MAtt: I guess.

As they walk a strange man walks right past them and into a lamp post!

Mike: Are you ok?

Person: You saw that right?

Matt: What?

Person: How am I supposed to know I don't even have the question!

Mike: Hey, aren't you my neihgbor?

Person: No, that's my good cousin Stefen, I'm his evil doppelganger, Steven, but my mother still loves me.

Mike: Well that's good; I guess.

Steven: What is?

MAtt: Your mother still loving you.

Steven: She does?

Mike: THat's what you said!

Steven: Really when?

MAtt: Back there.

Steven turns around to look behind him and hits the lamp post again.

Steven: Oh, hello there, have we met?

MAtt: That's an odd one isn't it?

Mike: You haven't seen my ickle stable boy, have you?

MAtt: Why?

Mike: Well, let's put it this way, this guy's mundane compared to my stable boy.

Steven: You have a stable boy?!

Mike: I'm not that way inclined.

Steven: Huh?

Mike: I even don't understand that one... I just had this compultion to say it.....

Steven: You also seem to have a compultion for Morse Code.

Mike: Quite. Now quickly to the Mills err......

Steven: Is that supposed to be an 's'?

Mike: How odd, I just had this strange feeling to jump into a trademark vehicle while uttering an equally trademark catch phrase!

MAtt: How odd Holmes.

Mike: What did you just call me?

Matt: Holmes?

Mike: Why?

Matt: I haven't the fuzziest.

Steven: No but I do!

Steven reaches into his pocket and pulls out two, fuzzy, (get your minds out of the gutter this is family oriented!) peaches.

Steven: See mine are fuzzier than yours!

Matt: But we don't have any.....

Steven: I know so I win by default. What's up with your Morse code!?

****

Int Dark hideout scene.

SSR, Tempus and Emperor Martin are watching the proceedings on the lamp post cam, but every so often it wobbles and then Steven staggers haplessly into view.

SSR: Vat ist 'appening!?

Tempus: I don't know something is triggering Mike's hero talents too early!

Emperor MArtin: That can't be good.

Tempus: It's not. If he's out patrolling at full fledged hero status when the tinfoil wrapped shrew here attempts Miss Dalby's kidnap, he'll thwart him before he does it, altering all our histories expotentially. We may not be disgraced at the New Year's Honors night and become evil, Martin!

Emperor MArtin: (Shivering because Tempus's hideout is uncommonly drafty) Without you there'll be no evil penguins or ABD or mad crowds or unsolicited sheep references.

Tempus: That's Baloney. I have no affiliation with sheep. THat is as long as everyone ignores stories set in Yorkshire!

SSR: Ahem, I'm 'ere, too!

Tempus: You need to talk to your self!

SSR: Vat like that tverp Lance?

Tempus: No, as in that twerp that is you in the past! You have to work out the flaws that got you thwarted, if you don't then Mike will win and we'll all get stuck here, again but if he becomes full fledged hero we'll have to step in and restrain his thwartability until the are re-aligned!

SSR: Did anyvon elze fveel zat vas really technobabblay?

Narrator: I did

Tempus: Well nobody asked you!

NArrator: THe SSR did!

Tempus: It was rhetorical!

SSR: No it vazn't!

Tempus: Do shut up we need to pace out our approach!

Emperor MArtin: So what do I do?

Tempus: You go over and distract Mike from exploring those delusions of heroism, I have a spider bite victim to talk to....

THe three villains each depart on their missions laughing maniacally with their respective consonant+w variations of maniacalality.

(Emperor Martin creeps precariously around the street when he stands on a twig- CRACK! He flinches and carries on to a glass bottles-CRASH! Again he flinches and steps on a cat's tail- MEEEOOOOWW!)

Mike: Did you fellows hear somewhing?

Syeven: What?

Matt: Hey, how come you've become Syeven? Mike, methinks this man is up to no good.

Mike: Good question, are you?

Syeven: What?

Matt: Why are you called Syeven? And don't give me that old one about your finger slipped on the keys!

Syeven: Keys? I have keys?

Mike: He does?

Matt: No he doesn't.

Syeven: Then why did you say I did?

Matt: I didn't.

Syeven: Did I? When?

Mike: I'm lost.

Syeven: Here's a map.

(Syeven hands Mike a strange looking map to Mike.)

Mike: Incredible, it seems to be some sort of wrinkled white void? No doubt I'm supposed to venture forth in a mountainous region?

Matt: Those are wrinkles in the cloth, perhaps it's some sort of clue?

SOUND: DUM-DUM- DURRRRRR!

Syeven: What was that?

Matt: What?

Syeven: That.

Matt: You asking us; what was that.

Syeven: Oh.

Mike: Hmm, if I'm not much mistaken this cloth is retaining warmth so it's been used recently and this stuff on it- almost glue-like. No doubt I shall use my Mike tastebuds to identify from where this cloth map came from?

Matt: A glue factory I'll wager.

(Suddenly a line of workers turn up from out of nowhere.)

Worker: Cor Blimey, Guvnor we're out of work something horrid and we heard of your glue factory, can we ark at its inner workings eh guv?

Matt: I'm sorry?

Mike: They seem to be talking in some foreign dialect to me, so a curious taste, clearly not glue and some shabby dealing in foreign affairs. Do you know what this means Matt?

(Matt pulls out a dictionary and flicks through it.)

Matt: The word "this" is a conjuctive word used to prepresent a particular indicator to a particular phrase or fellow word, usually followed by a explaining word- means-.

Mike: I see, well if I'm not much mistaken something big is going to happen involving a foreign power, an affair with a dictionary and glue!

(Syeven sniffs again.)

Syeven: Hang on, you didn't explain that before.

Narrator: I thought I did?

Matt: Or even why you're called Syeven?

Syeven: It's a cunning plan to out smart the enemy.

Matt: Well I'm certainly flummoxed!

Steven: Good, so I can use my 't' once more. And can I have my caption for my hayfever, it's supposed to work with the gag.

Narrator: Very well: Steven has a cold, a bad cold whilst everyone has a good warm. Better?

Steven: Hey, I want a warm one?

Narrator: Sorry but I'm not that was inclined.

Mike: Incredible, absolutely incredible.

Matt: Of course it is, the sky's talking to us!

Narrator: I'm not the sky, I'm the NARRATOR! Never get those two mixed up!

Mike: Oh, interesting but Matt, you must look at this stuf, it looks disgusting but it tastes of bacon?

Steven: Oh, so that's where I put it? When I unpacked the shopping I knew I left that bacon somewhere?

(Mike and Matt look queasy as they throw up- politely and editted by a sudden montage of flowers and blue tits singing.)

Matt: Egads man, haven't you ever heard of a fridge?

Steven: Heard?

Matt: Yes.

Steven: I heard that.

Mike: Blimey Mike! He's worse that that stable boy of yours.

Mike: I've told you that 'I'm not that way inclined'.

Steven: What exactly does that mean? Everyone keeps saying it?

Mike: No I haven't- we keep saying: I'm not that way inclined.

Steven: Oh, when?

Mike: Here.

Steven: Perfectly well thank you.

Matt: Hey, do you guys here that?

Mike: Of course I do, you just said it.

Matt: No, I said 'that'- over there! Look!

(Matt points as do all the workers present to see Emperor Martin crawl out of the shadows.)

Mike: Good grief, it's a scarecrow!

(Emperor Martin is covered in straw, dirt, mantraps, glass etc.)

Emperor Martin: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Matt: Blast! More foreign devils!

Emperor Martin: I was laughing, you incompetent mistake of a noble side-kick.

Steven: Oh thanks, I think?

Mike: I doubt that Steven. Who are you?

Emperor Martin: Hahahaha!

Mike: Interesting name.

Emperor Martin: That's not my name, I am....

Matt: So then Mr Dot-dot-dot, what can we do for you?

Emperor Martin: What makes you tick?

Mike: I suppose being trapped inside a very large clock and being tied to the ticking mechanism?

Emperor Martin: No, no! There is- I have been sent from Queen Pamela.

Matt: Queen Pamela? I thought there was only a Princess Pamela around.

Mike: Well her wedding is next week, can't stand the chap she's marrying, a man who gives cheesy bananas a bad name.

Emperor Martin: No, Princess Pamela wants you all in her palace at once to discuss her wedding arrangements, excellent, he'll be no where near the source of Miss Dalby! I will win, I will win!

Mike: What was that?

Emperor Martin: Nothing, I was talking to myself.

Matt: First sign of madness.

Steven: Is it? Of course it is, don't be so stupid. I'm not, I hate you. Do you? No, can we make up? I'm not that way inclined!

Emperor: Excuse me, I have to creep back into the shadows now, ta ta!

Mike: Ah, right. We must make haste Matt, to the castle!

Steven: How do we make haste?

Matt: Ah, an old family recipe, I'll get that famous cook- what's his name?

Mike: McCow.

Matt: Yes I'm sure he'll right it down for you.

Steven: What? Oh never mind, let's follow them. Should we? Why not? Oh come along!

Our three companions soon are at the corner standing next to the bus stop.

Soon a bus rolls up to the corner.

Mike: Quickly to the Mills public transitvehicle!

MAtt and Steven look at each other and then follow well behind Mike trying to act as if they'd never met him.

Mike: I think I should talk to Princess Pamela, after all I'm the one with the most sense in these sort of matters.

MAtt:You've never been married...

Mike: Exactly!

Steven: It's just sane enough to work!

Mike: WHat is?

Steven: This! (unfurls paper taht he conveniently didn't have before.

The article reads: (well it doesn't actually say anything but you get the idea) One Miss Georgina Dalby was kidnapped by a strange, shiny villain early this morning the villain is reported to have mumbled something about the high prices of imported cheese and wine before demanding the crown from present King Lindsay. King Lindsay responded to the news by weeing his pants and locking himself in his royal bedroom. How this will effect tomorrow's wedding to Princess Pamela from the elite council of Qanda is unknown there has been rumors of war between the two realms if this wedding doesn't get pulled off.

Matt: Jeez, that was a lot of exposition to dump on us!

Steven: And at the right time too!

Mike: What do you mean?

Steven: I don't know but I make a mean jellybaby platter!

Sky: Only make jokes if they make sense.

Mike: Holy bijeezers its that narrator bloke again!

Sky: WHat did you call me!

Narrator: Uh-oh your in for it now.

Sky: @#$% right they're in for it!

Suddnely a big gust of wind picks up the bus and deposits them in a prestine looking garden.

Mike and co. stumble out of the bus.

Mike: Where are we?

Voice (female) : You're in my esteemed estate.

Mike turns around to see a young lady in a white dress wearing a sun hat and having long brown hair.

Mike: Ah ah ah ah.

Steven: Howdy!

Mike hits Steven with his bus pass.

Matt: Can you tell us who you are?

Female voice: Most certainly. I am Marain von Wer, daughter of Lord Herionymus von Wer the world renowned Merchant baron.

Mike: Ah ah ah ah ah.

Marian: Why is your friend oggling me?

Steven: HE's not that way inclined.

Mike hits Steven again.

Mike: Ah ah, pre..pretty. We should g-get on with it.

Matt: I think you should go out to dinner first.

Mike: Wh-where's the palace of of of.....

Steven: She probably can't read Morse code Mike!

MArian: Actually I can, the royal palace is right down this road turn left then right then left again and you're there.

Quickly, somethign happens off screen and we catch a glimpse of Tempus at a the coffee station talking to Stefen Fjord.

What could they be scheming? Why has the SSR kidnapped Miss Dalby four days late? Will James Lindsay leave his room? Will anyone please explain why the psychologist's first name is Simon.

Find out some time on the next riveting post of the A-Team.

Sky: What?!

Oh sorry, that's another errm, no one saw that. On the next riveting post of (what is this codswallop?) [off camera voices murmur] (Oh yeah) of The Lord Mike Saga!

But, before that, a message from his Lordship himself, Lord Mike...

(Lord Mike is sitting in his leather armchair in Mills-Manor, facing the camera)

Lord Mike: Hello, tonight, it is exactly one year since myself and Matt Painter defeated the Stainless Steel Rat for the first time and it has been a tempus horribilius

(Someone leans over and whispers into Lord Mike's ear)

Lord Mike: Sorry, that was the Queen's speech. But, as I have now mucked up my speech there doesn't seem much point in continuing with it, so, back to the adventure it is!

Simon: Wait a tic' your not the Mike I remember! You haff to be something else. Mike would neffer give up!

LOrd Mike: WHat do you? I am Lord Mike!

Jenny MAy: No, he's right! You never; what was I talking about?

Professor Watt: Something's not quite right here. Quickly to the, oh drat that was destroyed no wait, it wasn't. Any one else confused?

Steven: I am.

Lance: Me too.

Lady Marian: That's no surprise.

Mike: THat was harsh.

Lady Marian: (her dress fades to black) Vat iz your point?

Mike: Dear me.

(Suddenly the real Lord Mike leaps through the door, whacks the fake across the back with the special whacking attachment on his cane)

Lord Mike: Come along old chaps, we've got an adventure to get back to and the world won't save itself

Steven: Have you ever given it the chance to?

(Lord Mike hits Steven with the Canterbury Tales and they all leave the study and hurry quickly back towards the adventure)

An extremely expensive wavy scene interchange.

Int. Stefen Fjord's house.

Stefen Fjord: I'm not understanding your wordage, yes.

Tempus: Please pay attention, you twit!

Stefen: You can't being making fun of me in my own house!

Tempus: Shh, do you understand the project?

Stefen: YEs, I kill the Mills to stop him from being the hero in the future and then I can be being the ruler, yes!

Tempus: You weren't paying attention!

Stefen: No, yes.

Tempus: Just stop him from going to SSR's lab thingy and stopping the rat's takeover!

Stefen: Can I kill my silly billy evil cousin Steven, too.

Tempus: I suppose.

Stefen: I'll be doing it.

Tempus: I'm not that way inclined!

Stefen: What are you being talking about!

Tempus: Never you mind, you mindless instrument!

Stefen: Ooh, can I being the tuba.

Tempus: No, you idiot just intercept Mike!

Ext. street to Pamela's palace.

Mike: Do hurry up you two!

Matt: We're ahead of you, your just walking backwards!

Mike: Dear me your right, Watson.

Matt: What's that?

(Watson)

Steven: Was he asking you!?

(Do I care?)

Steven: Good point.

(Thank you)

Mike and Matt look at Steven and continue walking.

Steven: We're almost at the palace!

(We covered that)

Steven: No we didn't.

(Oh) They were nearly at the palace.

Steven: That sort of was redundant.

(Don't aggravate me, you little so and so)

Steven: IS that a threat?

(Well, well, he finally gets one.)

Steven: This is really bad padding.

Mike: Yes, it is let's go.

MAtt: Lead on Holmes, wait, not that way!

Mike starts to walk in the opposite of the palace.

Mike: Not now, I have the feeling there's a damsel in distress!

Suddenly a strange figure that looks a lot like Steven but a bit more sinister, like an insane electric items salesman, jumps out in front of the merry group of adventurers to be.

Mike: Holy gumdrops! It's you!

Steven: My not as evil as I cousin Stefen!

Stefen: Your being wrong my silly billy cousin, I am being the evil cousin now! And you will never be being going to the place you're being going to.

Stefen throws a little, cliched, black ball with a fuse sticking out of it at our not quite heroes.

Matt: Oh cripes!