h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Holy cliched, cowled figures it's Attack of the Fuzzy things.

Int. Dark throne room...

A cliched cowled figure is watching Lord Mike on a puddle of light thingy.

Figure: Thwart me!? You thought you destroyed me, eh? Well, I may have been defeated but I will get my revenge, now to call a good friend of mine.

The figure picks up a staff and moves it in large arccing circles. A portal forms glowing goldenly.

You, come here! I demand you!

A man walks in and as he turns we see it's Steven Ford, except a little older.

Steven Ford: What is this... Great cowled figures!

Figure: Yes, now your going to do something for me!

Steven: Never!

Figure: Come now, dear Prime Minister, I'd hate to have to hurt your wife and children....

Steven: You leave Lissa out of this!

Figure: They're safe as long as you do what I tell you to!

Steven: I'll have the power of Great Britain plowing this castle down... You won't force me....

The figure lifts its hand and Steven is lifted off his feet by an unseen force. Steven gasps for air.

Figure: I haven't time for your impotent threats, Prime Minister. If you attempt to destroy me, then I'll be forced to unleash my information to the media, and withdraw the much needed support that you need in Yorkshire....

Steven: *hack*, but *gasp* you can't do that! I'm *hack* the Prime Minister!

Figure: Your a puppet! Now, listen to me! Lord Mike is at a pub called Behimd the Sofa! HE is currently in Fanta heaven, it is the perfect time to destroy him!

Steven: But this is in the past, I remember this it was Sept. 6, 2003, he was celebrating his medal for being made ambassador to Skaro.....

Figure: You will destroy him.

Steven: I can't, he's... he's my friend.

Figure: Ha! Friend?! Friend!? Who was the one that voted against you, campaigned against you, tried to get you incarcerated? And then tried to steal Lissa from you?

Steven: Dear goodness, who did all of that?

Figure: Mike you twit!

Steven: HE did? That's not very nice.

Figure: It's not, he made you mad...

Steven: and people don't like me when I'm mad! Hey, while we're on the subject what's with the fuzzy things?

Figure: Just a second...

Suddenly horrible, lime green, fuzzy things walked into the throne room.

Figure: These will make sure you don't screw up!

Steven: So you've already have a plan B, you really must not think this is going to work, Dark Avenger.

Dark Avenger: With you working on it no, but you're the only one I have under my sway....

Steven: Ah, right.

Dark Avenger: Be gone from my from my sight you putrid little pusstrule!

Steven: That's not right....

Dark Avenger: Just go!

Steven: How?

Dark Avenger: To the left, through the reality portal....

Steven: Right thanks.

Dark Avenger: Just go....

Steven leaves.

Int. Behind the Sofa pub.

Lord Mike is drinking a Fanta.

Lord Mike: Oi! bartander goit yoiselfss oiver 'ere.

Bartender: I have a name....

Lord Mike: Oh, reeellyyy, whoit is it?

BArtender: Sutekh, The Destroyer.

Lord Mike: Roight, Soiteek, goive me anoither Sfanta.

Sutekh: I think you've had enough.

Lord Mike: I'll soiy, when I've 'ad enoif!

Sutekh: I think I'll get the manager...

Lord Mike: Roight you go do that....

Sutekh: Warren this drunk is causing problems...

P.M. Ford: (Although Lord Mike or in fact anyone else knows it) No it's ok he's with me..

Sutekh: Hmm, and those lime green, fuzzy monstrosities?

PM Ford: Err, there with me too. We're on vacation, with err, Time Incorporated.

Sutekh: No need to explain HG Wells was here last week, dratted time travelers!

Pm Ford: Mike, why don't you come with me, back to the Millsmanor. (to himself) Are they still calling it that?

Mike: Quoick! To ther Millsssthmobeel!

Sutekh throws the keys to Steven, who catches them deftly.

Mike: Hey,yoir not Stefveen Fffffoird!

PM Ford: Yes I am, now come along your Lordship....

As they walk out, a dagger glints in the dim pub lighting...

Holy dark cliffhanger, is Lord Mike capable of defeating this threat in his condition? Or will the mysterious Dark Avenger defeat our hero, so easily find out next time...

They walk up to the Millsmobile. As Steven goes to unlock the door, Lord Mike swings his cane striking Steven's hand.

Mike: I know you're not Steven!

Steven: I am Steven!

Mike: No, you're not, I know Steven, he couldn't catch those keys if he wanted to!

Steven: I got lucky!

Mike: Pah, Steven, at his luckiest was still too pillocky to catch those keys!

Suddenly Steven pulls out the dagger in his pocket.

Steven: How dare try and take Lissa from me!!!!

Mike: Eh?

The dagger slashes down missing Mike by a good number of inches. Mike levels his cane at Steven but one of the fuzzy things knocks it out of his hands....

Steven: I don't know how you got sober so quick but I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you anyways....

Mike: What? Ha, that won't happen.

Steven: Fuzzy things, hold him.

Mike: Unhand me you lime green fuzzy things!!!

Steven raises the knife, it reaches it's apex and Steven tries to plunge it down but something is resisting his attempts. He turns his head and the Hurricane is holding Steven's arm.

Hurricane: What the Hell are you doing Steven?!

Steven turns around.

Steven: Oh,my God, Hurricane, your still alive!

Hurricane: Of course I am you idiot, what are you doing...?

Steven: Umm, I was cutting a knock on Mike's shirt.

Hurricane: And the green things?

Steven: Um, they're helping me.

Mike: It's not Steven.....

The green things cover Mike's mouth.

Steven: Err, Mike's been celebrating.

Hurricane: I can smell....

Steven: Oh.

Hurricane: Well, Jenny's waiting for me, I best get going see you around Mike.

Mike: Mmmph.

Steven: Stuff him in the car, we'll take him to the manor and do it there.

They put Mike in the back and Steven gets into the drivers' side and the Millsmobile pulls away.

Mike: You can't get away with this.

Steven: I have to, if I don't then Lissa and little Mary Anne will get hurt.

Mike: What are you talking about?

Steven: I'm not your Steven!

Mike: No really?

Steven: Yes really, oh wait that was rhetorical...

Mike: How the....

Steven: I'm from the future, I become Prime Minister in 2032 and well, now I'm in debt to some one. Some one that wants you dead. They are very powerful, if I don't comply they'll kill Lissa and Mary Anne.

Mike: If you're from the future then what happens to Marian?

Steven looks up in the mirror.

Steven: It wasn't your fault.

Mike: What about the rest of us?

Steven didn't reply.

Mike: Well?

Steven: You're not here to ask questions!

Mike: What happened!?

Steven: You were moved to Hong Kong for an ambassadorship, as did Marian and well, Marian was attacked and you and Lance went to find her and well, never returned.

Mike: Oh.

Steven: Exactly.

Mike: You don't need to kill, me...

Steven: You don't understand, do you?! If you don't die Lissa and Mary Ann, does.

Mike: Who?

Steven: My child and my wife.

They roll up to the Millsmanor. The green fuzzy things grab Mike and pull him out of the car.

Steven: Take him into the manor, don't let him go, he's crafty....


Int. throne room.

Dark Avenger: So, we've grown up quite a bit since we got political? HAven't we Prime Minister?

The torch lit scene fades to black as evil chuckling echoes through the room...

Steven opens the door to the Millsmanor.

Lance (vo): Is that you Mike?

Steven: (whispering) Oh cheese it! You take him up stares; I'll take care of the twit.

Lance(vo): Steven what are you doing back?

Lance walks into the room with a tea tray

Lance(b): Something's not right here?

LAnce: What?

Lance(b): For the first thing this guy is some thirty years older than Steven.

Lance: So?

Lance(b): Well, that was the first thing that came to me.

Lance: Pah, shows what you know.

Lance(b): At least ask him....

Lance: Umm, Steven what are you doing here so early....

Steven: Umm, we were celebrating when Tempus drove by and hit us with a aging beam, Mike is upstairs...

Suddenly Mike comes running down the stairs.

Lord Mike: Get away from him, Lance. It's an evil Steven!

Steven:I'm not evil! I'm just in a bad position!

The Green Fuzzy things come down the stairs.

Suddenly Steven comes through the door.

Steven(y): Why did you leave me at the bar?

P.M. Ford: Oh crap!

Steven: What's going on?

P.M. Ford turns on his younger counterpart.

Lord Mike jumps over to the table and grabs his cane and a boxing glove flies out and hits PM Ford squarely on the jaw. Steven runs over to Mike and holds him.

Lord Mike: I'm not that way inclined.

Steven: Oh, sorry.

The green fuzzy things start to move towards Lord Mike.

Lord Mike: Quickly out the back.....

The three of them rush through Lord Mike's kitchen and out the back door.

Int. Lord Mike's entrance hall.

PM Ford wakes up a golden circle is in the middle of the hall.

Dark Avenger: You had him in your clutches, and you couldn't do it.

PM Ford: I-I'll find him....

Dark Avenger: No, you will not. You're going to capture Lady Marian.

PM Ford: But...

Dark Avnger: You are in no position to argue, Prime Minister.

PM Ford: Fine, but then what.

Dark Avenger: You'll get your instructions when you get Marian!

Int. Lady Marian's esteemed estate.

There's a knock at the door and Lady Marian, in all her enigmatic beauty, answers the door, her servants are on vacation. She opens the door.

Lady Marian: Oh dear me, what's happened to you, Steven?

Steven: I, had a run in with a time accelerator. Mike's been hurt, badly; I don't know how long he'll hold, he's asking for you....

Lady Marian: (hand at her mouth shocked) Oh my, well, I'll get my cloak and parasol.

Steven: There isn't time, let's just go.

Lady Marian: Oh, ok.

Steven: I'll get your things; you go to the Millsmobile.

LAdy Marian: You just said....

Steven: Not now; just go!

Steven ushers Marian out of the house. She notices he's shaking either in fear or grief but decides not to say anything.

Steven returns into the house.

A glimmering circle forms near Steven.

Dark Avenger: Nicely played, Prime Minister, I almost believed you.

The Dark Avenger chuckles darkly.

Steven: (intense anger bubbling underneath) What do you want me to do to her?

Dark Avenger: Bring her to me.

Steven: How?

Dark Avenger: There will be a portal on the road; drive through it.

Steven: What are you going to do?

Dark Avenger: Bait that little pest, Mills, and destroy them all, well, except you of course.....

Steven: Can't you do something less drastic?

Dark Avenger: Bring her to me, after that I may considor to dismiss you, or not.

More dark laughter.

Steven walks to the Millsmobile, gets in and starts the car.

Marian: What happened?

Steven: Hmm? Oh, well, we were celebrating Mike's ambassadorship when all of a sudden Tempus came into the pub and hit us with a time acceleration beam....

Marian: And Mike?

Steven: He's a whizzened old man....

Marian: Whizzened?

Steven: Yes that's what I said!

Marian :You're not Steven!

Steven: Yes I am!

Marian: No, no you're not. Steven would never use the word 'whizzened'.

Steven: Strange, I just said it.

Marian harumphed angrily. Suddenly, the trees that had been zooming by had disappear and were replaced by strange alien forms.

Marian: (looking out of the window) Where are we? Liverpool?

Steven: No, we're right here...

Marian looked through the windshield window. She saw the Palace.

Marian: Where are you taking me?

Steven: There is a person that wants to see you, Marian.

Marian: Who?

Steven: You'll see.

Steven locks the door on Marian's side of the Millsmobile. He gets out and walks over to MArian's side. Steven pulls Marian out and takes her into the castle.

Dark Avenger: Ahh, dear Lady Marian... How nice to see you agian.

The Dark Avenger brushes Marian's cheek with the back of a cold, scaly hand. She can feel his cold, stench filled breath on her face. His glinting eyes glow menacingly from under his hood.

Lady Marian: Unfortunately I'll have to leave that statement unrequitted...

Dark Avenger: Such beauty, such abundant beauty....

He raises the emblem of his staff to her face.

Dark Avenger: It would be ashame if anything would mar or blemish such beauty....

Marian moves her face from the emblem.

Dark Avenger: Take her away.... to the chains....

Marian: You won't get away with this! Mike will stop you!

Dark Avenger: Oh, Mike has got quite a bit on his hands already fair Lady....

Ext Millsgarden

Mike: Quickly, this way to the second Millsgarage.

Steven: But the fuzzy things!!!

Lance: Where did they go...?

Mike: (stopping) Good point where'd they go?

Suddenly a large fuzzy green roars out of a group of bushes.

Lord Mike lifts his cane and fires some novelty sneezing powder at the fuzzy thing. It begins sneezing insanely.

Mike: This way.

Mike and the others continue down the path.

Int. Garage.

Mike, Steven and Lance are making their way to the Millsmobile.. The fuzzy things have been mysteriously absent.

Mike and the others slip into the Millsmobile Mk2 a small Yugo type vehicle...

Steven: We'll nver fit into that....

Mike: Of course we will, it's bigger inside than outside..

Lance (b): Oh dear God a really cheap Doctor Who reference..

Lance: WE haven't time for you!

LAnce (b) : Sorry.

Lance: No problems.

Mike: Everyone in....

Everyone crams into the Millsmobile Mk2 and they are sitting there when Mike notices a blinking light indicating a message.

Mike: Hmm, a message....

Little does any know that in the back of the Millsmobile Mk2 green tufts of hair are raising in expectation...

Dark Avenger: Now dear Marian, it is time for you to know my pain....

Marian: Pain? You have pain?

Dark Avenger: Yes, it runs deeply and cuts every fiber of my being...

Marian: You have being?

Dark Avenger: Enough speaking. Time to do some unpleasant things.

Voice: Not this time, Darkie....

Dark Avenger: Who dares to usurp the will of the Dark Avenge?!

Voice: I, Lord Michael K. Mills, won't just dare to usurp I will usurp your will!

Dark Avenger: What happened to the fuzzy things?

Mike: Never you mind! Release Marian!

Dark Avenger: Prime Minister! Take care of this prat!

PM Ford: No.

Dark Avenger: What!!! You seem to have forgotten our arrangement....

PM Ford: (pulling out a gun) No, no I haven't forgotten.

Dark Avenger: Oh, dear Prime Minister, I'm so disappointed..

PM Ford fires the gun three times. The Dark Avenger raises a hand concentratingly; the bullets disperse impotently.

Dark Avenger: Please don't try my patience further, Ford....

PM Ford turns around and limply points the gun at Mike.

PM Ford: I'm sorry, Mike, I have to think of my family....

Marian: No, Steven, don't.....

Two shots ring out. Mike slumps over.

The Dark Avenger chuckles as some shadowy forms slide over to Mike. They turn to the Dark Avenger, questioning

Dark Avenger: It's ok, my pets, feel free to feast on this one....

Steven: There, I did it.

DArk Avenger: DO you think I'm an idiot. I've seen Clint Eastwood movies too....

Mike: IS struggling with the slavering shadow beasts...

PM Ford jumps for Marian and tries to undo the chains...

Marian: The parasol!

Steven: Oh, right, which switch?

Marian: Third from the top...

Steven grabs the parasol and flips the third switch, a cutting laser shoots out cutting the chains...

Marian: Thanks, but...

But Steven had already turned and was zapping the shadow beasts.

DArk Avenger(vo) : You'll never escape. Never!

Mike gets up.

Mike: Quickly we've got to get out of here.

They run to the Millsmobile.

Mike: Get in.

Steven: But what about the Dark Avenger? He'll kill Lissa and Mary Anne!

Marian: He's right. We can't just leave the Dark Avenger!

Mike: Everyone back into the castle.

Steven: Where's the other Millsmobile?

Mike: Don't you mind...

They walk tenatively towards the castle....




Dark Avenger:

Dark Avenger: Now dear Marian, it is time for you to know my pain....

Marian: Pain? You have pain?

Dark Avenger: Yes, it runs deeply and cuts every fiber of my being...

Marian: You have being?

Dark Avenger: Enough speaking. Time to do some unpleasant things.

Voice: Not this time, Darkie....

Dark Avenger: Who dares to usurp the will of the Dark Avenge?!

Voice: I, Lord Michael K. Mills, won't just dare to usurp I will usurp your will!

Dark Avenger: What happened to the fuzzy things?

Mike: Never you mind! Release Marian!

Dark Avenger: Prime Minister! Take care of this prat!

PM Ford: No.

Dark Avenger: What!!! You seem to have forgotten our arrangement....

PM Ford: (pulling out a gun) No, no I haven't forgotten.

Dark Avenger: Oh, dear Prime Minister, I'm so disappointed..

PM Ford fires the gun three times. The Dark Avenger raises a hand concentratingly; the bullets disperse impotently.

Dark Avenger: Please don't try my patience further, Ford....

PM Ford turns around and limply points the gun at Mike.

PM Ford: I'm sorry, Mike, I have to think of my family....

Marian: No, Steven, don't.....

Two shots ring out. Mike slumps over.

The Dark Avenger chuckles as some shadowy forms slide over to Mike. They turn to the Dark Avenger, questioning

Dark Avenger: It's ok, my pets, feel free to feast on this one....

Steven: There, I did it.

DArk Avenger: DO you think I'm an idiot. I've seen Clint Eastwood movies too....

Mike: IS struggling with the slavering shadow beasts...

PM Ford jumps for Marian and tries to undo the chains...

Marian: The parasol!

Steven: Oh, right, which switch?

Marian: Third from the top...

Steven grabs the parasol and flips the third switch, a cutting laser shoots out cutting the chains...

Marian: Thanks, but...

But Steven had already turned and was zapping the shadow beasts.

DArk Avenger(vo) : You'll never escape. Never!

Mike gets up.

Mike: Quickly we've got to get out of here.

They run to the Millsmobile.

Mike: Get in.

Steven: But what about the Dark Avenger? He'll kill Lissa and Mary Anne!

Marian: He's right. We can't just leave the Dark Avenger!

Mike: Everyone back into the castle.

Steven: Where's the other Millsmobile?

Mike: Don't you mind...

They walk tenatively towards the castle....




Dark Avenger:

Mike, Marian and PM Ford slip back into the castle and start looking for the Dark Avenger...

Steven: This is hopeless! He cold be anywhere, he can manipulate this place like a child manipulating clay..

Suddenly one of the walls morphes into a passage way..

Marian: Should we go in?

Mike: It could be a trap...

Steven: So could this...

Mike: Good point.

Our heroes run down the hall and come to a T-intersection.

Steven: Now what?

Mike: He obviously wants to separate us, hmmm, this way I think.

Mike starts off towards the left, but suddenly swings around to the right and goes down that path.

Steven: Why did you just do a Davison shuffle?

Mike: It'll confuse him and take him off guard...

A giant black scorpion thing rises up infront of them.

Mike: Or not.

Marian levels her parasol at the scorpion but it lashes out a claw knocking the parasol out of her hands. Fortunately Mike deftly sets his cane to 'Potato Canon' and gets a blast off striking the beast straight in the eyes.

They slip around the now semi-conscious beast, Marian grabbing her parasol, and trek on down the corridor.

Eventually they find themselves in the throne room.....

The Dark Avenger looks up at them, and even though they can't see his face they know he's smiling.

Dark Avenger: My Steven, what a backstabber you've become..... I don't like backstabbers.

An image of Lissa and little Mary Anne appear in the middle of the room. They are playing in a yard or park, laughing and running.

Dark Avenger: And to think that Mary Anne, doesn't know the danger that her daddy has put her in, or in fact, the danger that they're both in..


Steven: Take me! Leave them alone!

Dark Avenger: Hmm, a backstabbing politician or a wholesome mother and child, choices choices....

Mike: You did this to get to me, right, so why don't you finish it?

Dark Avenger: Why, we finally hear something from the esteemed and tanned Lord Mike, eh? Amazing that you're little line wasn't more cliched, hmmm. Why not end this now? Well, it's quite simple, I sustain myself on the misery of others. I just want to make as many people as unhappy as possible.... You can't condemn me for that can you?

Mike: Is that rhetorical?

Dark Avenger: That's one that you'll have to work out yourself, Mills.

Marian: You sicken me....

Dark Avenger: The time for this rambling is over. Take them out of my sight.

As the shadow beasts start to ooze down from the walls, two, big, green, fuzzy things burst through the throne room door. Lance and Steven(y) are riding them.

Dark Avenger: What is this fallacy!?

Mike: THat fallacy, you dark dolt, is Lance and Steven Ford. Good show, you two.

Steven: Well, Lance's was a bit of a bucker but we got him broke..

Lance: Though these saddle sores....

Mike: No time.

The Green fuzzy things start attacking the shadow beasts... A very explosive battle scene that is splattered with green, black and reddish coloring as well.

The Dark Avenger tries to slip away, but Mike tackles him.

They scuffle; trying to get a hold of the Avenger's staff. Mike wins out, and is holding the staff in the Avenger's face.

DArk Avenger: You wouldn't dare....

Mike: Wouldn't I? You've endangered the future self of one of my best friends and his family, threatened the life of myself and my companions. THe way I see it, if I were you, I wouldn't be so confident.

Dark Avenger: Don't bluff me, Mike, you wouldn't, you couldn't, your hands are pure of any blood lossed in your adventures....

Mike: There's a first time for everything..

The staff's tip glows menacingly.

Dark Avenger: Is that all your going to do? Glow me to death...

Marian: I think you should shut up or Mike will destroy you.

Dark Avenger: Yes I imagine he will. You'd like that wouldn't you, Mike.

Mike: THis is your own weapon not even you could repel it's force.

PM Ford: Don't do it that's what he wants.

Mike: No way, not after what he's done....

Dark Avenger: No he needs to do this, why don't you charge the energy output some more.

Mike: No, I don't think so...

Dark Avenger: Why? Scared? Why should you be scared? You're the one with the weapon.

Mike: Yes I know, and your the one on the ground with it pointed in your face...

Dark Avenger: And you like that feeling of power don't you...

Marian: He'll do it, he'll turn you into a pile of ash.

Dark Avenger: Of course he will, that's what it was made for, to kill and make life miserable. It's simple, just concentrate hard enough and poof a life's gone...

Mike: THat's right that's all I have to do to end this now!

Dark Avenger: Makes sense, really.

Mike: Yes.

Dark Avenger: You killing me, One life destroying another...

Mike: (blinking almost tearfully) What are you?! Who are you?!

Dark Avenger: Do it! You've won, Just do it to me. Now right here in the face. Come on, finish this!

Mike: I-I....

Suddenly, a burst blares out of the staff. The Dark Avenger's eyes exploded in terror and fear. They flare bright orange...

Mike throws away the staff.

Mike: I-I can't believe, I mean I just...

PM Ford walks slowly over to Mike, and pats him on the shoulder.

PM Ford: You did the right thing... He was a monster.

Mike: It doesn't matter, I took his life, I could've captured him, or restrained him, but no, I destroyed him, killed him....

The castle shifts under their feet.

Steven: What the...

PM Ford: The unreality.... It's collapsing without the Avenger's manipulation....

Mike: Quickly to the Millsmobile.

PM Ford runs over to the pile of ash that was the Dark Avenger, and grabs the staff...

PM Ford: I'm not going your way, I'm afraid. I've got a wife and child to look after...

Mike: Right. The rest of you with me...

Mike, Marian, Steven, and Lance all rush to the Millsmobile and the Millsmobile Mk2 and drive off.....

PM Ford is preparing to make a portal home when he notices the ashes morph into the floor...

As he passes through the portal, PM Ford has the uncanny sense that he heard dark chuckling....

Int. Millsmanor.

Mike, and the others are all having a cup of tea to help them unwind from their harrowing adventure.

Marian: Are you ok, Mike?

Mike: Sure why?

Marian: I know that he got to you there in those final minutes....

Mike: (looking into tea cup) Naw, he didn't budge a nerve in me...

Marian: Are you sure?

Mike: Look I told you this when we were driving back... I AM FINE!

Marian looks up at Mike, she sees his toubled face, and is that her imagination or is that an actual tear on Mike's enigmatic cheek?

Marian: If you say so......