h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We see Otto sitting in a plush chair.

Otto: I was young when my father first betrayed me. He tried to destroy Mike Mills, and boarddom. He failed, and in doing so destroyed me, banishing me to the hell of the epilogue....

Simon(vo): PArents can be harsh, how long were in the epielogue?

Otto: Months. I was trapped in the backwash of the Spoiler board's collapse. The intertextual and cybernetic forces trying to pull me apart, but my growing hatred for my father and for Mills kept me alive.

Simon(vo): I see, and so you finally escaped, haffing all of these feelings locked up inside.

Otto: (chuckles darkly)Yes, you see, a man named Mr. Thompson promised me that he could destroy Mills and my father in one fell swoop. I foolishly trusted him.

We now see that we're in Simon Bufanda's psychiatric office.

Simon: Isthiz when you and your father reconciled?

Otto: yes, and now that he's rebuilt me I will have my revenge! I will!

Simon: I think we shouldn't allow our ffengeful feelings offerwhelm us.

Otto: Shutup what do you know.

Otto pulls out a gun.

Simon: Now put that away.

Otto pulls the trigger a beam hits Simon turning him into a marble statue.

Otto leaves cackling menacingly.

Int. Millsmanor.

Lord Mike has just returned from a lavish French vacation.

Lord Mike: Hello, LAnce, Steven, are you home?

No answer.

Lord Mike: Hmmm, I need some help the cabby's a bit of a ruffeon, I could use some change. In fact he looks vaguely like Lindsey or well, that Lindsmee bloke.....

Cabby: (In strange turkish accent) you will be giving me a tip!

Lord Mike: What are you doing out here?

CAbby: I am coming for my bill!

Lord Mike: I see. (searches pockets) Sorry no money.

Cabby: Well, no trip for you!

Lord Mike: What?

The Cabby grabs Lord Mike and drags him to the cab. They pass two marble statues of Steven and LAnce...

Lord Mike: Strange I don't remember those there before. I suppose they got carried away with my credit card again.

The cabby drives Lord Mike back to the airport.

CAbby: You stay here until I get my fair!

Lord Mike: And if I don't?

CAbby: You will never see green light again, every cabby will cut, you off, you will never make the green lights and you will be late!

Lord Mike: Ahhh, I see.

The cabby slowly walks back towards his cab.

He gets in the drivers' side and slowly drives away, little does anyone notice that in the passenger side there is a suspicious Penguin shaped Penguin sitting smiling ruefully at the forlorned Lord Mike.

Int Cab

Cabby: I am still not seeing why we don't just destroy the Mills man.

Otto: Because, first we must humiliate him! Then we shall crush him like the peanut that he is! Quahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Cabby: I am thinking, I am starting to understand...

Otto: Good now turn here and go back to the airport...

Ext. Outside the airport.

Lord Mike is standing outside looking stupid.

Lord Mike: Anyone got a few quid I could borrow?

Female(vo) : I do..

Lord Mike turns around and sees LAdy MArian step enigmatically out of from behind a trolly of luggage.

Lord Mike: Ooo, you're getting good at this.

Lady Marian slaps him.

Lord Mike: Can I borrow a few quid to pay off a mad cabby?

LAdy Marian: Sure, here, (hands him a wad of bills) keep the change.

Suddenly from around a corner two blocks away a cab zooms around the corner, drives up to Lord Mike and an arm reaches out grabbing the money and Marian!

Lord Mike: Wait you forgot her, lug...gage? (looking bewildered) This is indeed an odd return, must be planning a surprise party....
Well, looks like I'll have to use up one of my 4032 plot devices alotted for this season.

Lord Mike flips a catch on his cane that reads Millsmobile teleporter....

Suddenly a CSO image of sparkly confetti being stirred in water is super imposed on the scene as the Millsmobile fades into the scene with a cheap TARDIS materialisation sound effect.

The Millsmobile materialises and Lord Mike gets in.

Lord Mike: I guess I'm back on the job.

A cardboard model of the Millsmobile starts to chase the cab.

***

INT Cab

Otto: Hmm, now that we have Marian, Mike will chase us right into our trap!

Marian: Oh yeah! Well, what makes you say that...?

Cabby: He's in our rearview mirror chasing us.

LAdy MArian: Oh well, as long as you have a justification of your accusation.

Otto: Turn here, go to the old oil tanker the HMS Emperor, that's where we will surprise Mills. Quahahahahahahahahaha!

Int. HMS Emperor.

LAdy Marian is strapped to a table underneath a large marble statue ray.

LAdy Marian: Mike will stop you!

Otto: Not this time. You see even if he stops the ray, he'll never be able to free you! The straps are attached to an ABD detonater!

Cabby: ABD?

Otto: Not now! ANyway you are going to make a nice little lawn ornament. Quahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Lord Mike: Stop! In the name of, well, me!

Otto flips a switch and the ray hums to life. A count ensues.

Lord Mike: Flip that switch back!

Otto: No, not this time Mills. Cabby!

The cabby jumped at Lord Mike. The cabby trips over a marble statue of PRofessor Watt.

Lord Mike jumps over the sprawled cabby and tackles Otto.

Countdown: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6....

Otto: You have a choice it would seem....

Lord Mike runs over to the machine and flips the switch. When he turns Otto, has disappeared. Lord Mike goes over to Marian.

Lord Mike: Strapped to a table eh?

Lady Marian: Not now!

Lord Mike: Oh, ok.... I see the detonator! Just a tic'

Lady Marian: So just like usual then.....

Lord Mike: Hmmmm?

Lady Marian: Never mind....

Lord Mike: There finished.

Lady Marian: Good now get me off this table!

Lord Mike cuts the straps.

They here a speed boat.

Lord Mike: Quickly to the..... I've got nothin'

Lady Marian: Wer fanboat!

Mike: Right o!

Jump out of the oil tanker and into a boat that was oddly awaiting their escape.

The chase begins.

They chase Otto to a island.

Otto: Drat you MIke!

Lord Mike: You're over penguin!

Otto: not yet!

Otto pulls out a marble ray!


Otto: Petrify, Mike!

Otto fires the ray at Mike who dives deftly out of the way. The beam hits a sand bar.

Lady Marian opens a tin of sardines. The smell of the fish distract Otto long enough for Mike to get the marble ray. Otto makes a run for it turning around to look back and sneer unpleasantly.

Lady Marian: How are we going to un marblise every one Mike.

Lord Mike: Isn't it obvious, Miss Lemon? We'll just invert the nuetron flow.....

Lady Marian: Of course.

Rushing off back to the HMS Emperor.

They enter the ship just when......

Booooooom!

A ship two peirs over exploded.

(scared you all didn't I)

Lord Mike: Quite.

He rays all of the marble statues and turns them into people again.

Lord Mike: Let's go to the Millsmanor.

LAdy Marian: To save Steven and Lance, right?

Lord Mike: No for sandwhich and cakes.

Lady Marian: Oh ok then, let's go then....

Int. Millsmanor

Marian and Mike are eating sandwhich

Lord Mike: Ewwww, something's not right...

Suddenly a radio turns on.

Otto(vo): That's right, Mike, I stole your mayonaise! You are eating Fat free mayonaise! Quahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha!

Lord Mike: Dear my, (cough, spitting, gag) I've been de-mayoed!

Otto(vo): I win a totally pointless battle! YEsss! Quahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Terror is in Mike and Marian's eyes.....

(fin)