h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Narrator: The Following Adventure has been classified X-Rated; this means that this programme may contain a fairly adult them involving sex, abusive language and horrible violence in graphic detail. For anyone in the audience who is easily offended- here's a quick preview!

Woman: Aaah, no! No , No!

Killer: No? All right then, can I offer you a drink of blood coloured water?

Woman: You mean Tizer?

Killer: Yes.

Woman: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

//////////////////////////

THE QUACKING!

A Mike Mills Adventure of Suspense!

(We open out out onto a car driving up a grim mountainside, the winding road constantly repeats itself- evidence of a low budget. A Goat baas before falling over dead.)

Sir Lance: Wow, that's the fourth time I've seen that goat fall over.

Steven: Quiet Lance, just keep your eyes on the road.

Sir Lance: I can't, these things don't detach well and will roll off.

Steven: At least you'll get a great view!

Sir Lance: Of the Matt background?

Steven: Did he paint it? It's ****** good!

Sir Lance: What was all that about?

Steven: What?

Sir Lance: Speaking stas, they look jolly pretty.

Steven: Firstly Lance, it's stars with an 'Rrrrrr'

Sir Lance: Jolly goods pirate impression, you've got there. It was dead convincing!

Steven: Will you stop using that word?

Sir Lance: What?

Steven: No dead? Here we are driving up this mountain hill somewhere in the darkness.

Sir Lance: Oh yes, I was meaning to know what we were doing, I thought we were having a chat. So who's driving?

Steven: You are!

Sir Lance: Oh really? How jolly exciting. I wondered what this large ring was before me, so warm and round and ring-like.

Steven: It's the steering wheel Lance and keep your hands on it or we're going to drive off this road and off the set killing and hurting the entire lighting team.

Sir Lance: Eh?

Steven: It's a letter.

Sir Lance: Oh?

Steven: That you.

Sir Lance: Ah.

Steven: Lance, I for one like you to expand your vokra..vockralla... vockaller... your words but could you do it when we're not moving?

Sir Lance: We're not moving, the car is.

Steven: I give up.

Lance's Brain: So did I, long ago. You haven't seen what he's like at Countdown or the Weakest link.

Sir Lance: Are you talking to me?

Lance's Brain: Hardly, I was pretending that Steven could hear me so I could have a decent conversation.

Sir Lance: What's wrong with me?

Lance's Brain: You want a list?

Sir Lance: Not I've got a fairly good speech impediment thank you.

Lance's Brain: I said a list, not a lisp- Oh God? Why can't Steven hear me? Why didn't they bring Nibbles? Where are we going?

Narrator: Ah, sorry I was watching something good on the box.

Lance's Brain: Oh really? What?

Narrator: Dust.

Lance's Brain: You're new here aren't you?

Narrator: Yes I am, started today. The other guy's off as a part in an opera.

Lance's Brain: Lucky beggar, I wish I was in that head. Not this gooseberry driving a car.

Sir Lance: Am I?

Lance's Brain: Yes of course you are, keep driving. So Mr Narrator, where are we going? Where's Nibbles and Marian and Mike etc?

Narrator: Ah yes, bare with me. I'm just getting the script together, oh no I've got marmite on it.

Sir Lance: Mm Marmite.

Lance's Brain: Ugh! You eat Marmite then, I hate you already.

Narrator: Ah here it is; Lucy lay on the bed, she was feeling unsually hot from the burning fire beside her bed and as the rigours of heat transfered themselves to her young smooth body, trickling slowly across her beautiful milky white flesh... Oh sorry, wrong script!

Lance's Brain: Damn and it was just getting interesting!

Sir Lance: I beg your pardon?

Lance's Brain: Oh, sorry, I was just pointing out that interesting looking dam.

Sir Lance: How can a brain point?

Lance's Brain: Never you mind, just look!

(The car swirves violently across the road and almost off the treadmill, hurriedly some stagehands rush on and try and ship the car back on just as somethone switches on a fan and throws a bucket of snowy-like stuff at it.)

Steven: Looks like snow?

Sir Lance: Eh?

Steven: Sorry, I haven't had much to say so far and I just wanted to clarify that I was still here in this car.

Sir Lance: Of course you are otherwise, who'd I be talking to?

Steven: Yourself, Yes I can hear you chatting to yourself so many times and then you say something silly like "Quack!"

Sir Lance: I don't say quack do I?

Steven: You do and that's nothing. In the Lordly fountain I saw you squatting in the water.

Sir Lance: Perhaps I was answering a call of nature?

Steven: You weren't beating your chest Lance, I saw you paddling about . Nibbles was quite distraught the way he kept biting me to take him away. You were splashing about and quacking as if nothing was wrong.

Sir Lance: Well I'm... I'm... Brain, is that true?

Lance's brain: What happens next, come on, read it out please?

Narrator: Well all right, just because you're a nice brain: Lucy yawned so deep and so strong as she arched her back longingly, lying back, she suppressed a smile as a devious thought entered her mind and as her eyes followed her mind she reached down towards her faintish pink panties and then she, she....

Lance's Brain: Yes, yes, what happened then?

Sir Lance: Brain, can I have a word?

Lance's Brain: Oh no, not him.

Sir Lance: That's four words and a comma.

Lance's Brain: What do you want now?

Sir Lance: Was I ever paddling and splashing in the fountains acting like a duck?

Lance's Brain: What you get up to in your private life is no business of mine.

Sir Lance: Brain, please? This story is being so serious, there's been no sign of a good joke in ages, I have a feeling that it's the X-ratedness of this story?

Lance's Brain: It is, now shut up and go away- the narrator's talking.

Steven: Well Lance?

Lir Sance: Not really no.

Steven: You certainly look unwell, I wonder if we can pullover?

Lir Sance: Not really I'm only wearing a sweater.

Steven: I was meaning to ask you about that. Where are we going? Why isn't the narrator being proper like and why have I suddenly like started talkin like this?

Lir Sance: Brain?

Narrator: Oh, sorry. That's my cue.

Lir Sance: Well it looks more like an X to me?

Narrator: On the quiet countryroad.

Steven: Hang on, I thought we were on a mountain road?

Narrator: Um.. quite possibly? Anyway both General Steven Ford and Sir Lance were on their way back from an interesting drive away from some evil monsters that wanted to suck the brains out of the pores in the skin, luckily for everyone it attacked Lance and everyone got away.

Steven: Oh yeah, it's all coming back to me, so that's hy I'm dressed up like a half-eaten shrubbery dipped in mud, I say it does tickle and the this car, it reminds me of the inside of a roll of...

Sir Lance: Cheese, you can get goats from cheese can't you?

Steven: R...i...g..h..t?

Sir Lance: Is it? Thanks.

(Suddenly the car swirves off a road past a sign: THE BOARDS @ H2G2 (2 Miles) and off they go down a bumpy track unaware that they were infact heading down a bumpy track of sex, abusive languge and viloence that can be quite graphic. )

Narrator: Suddenly from no where there came a long line of moving objects coming through the darkness towards them, as the headlights rang out these creatures shifted into waddling things.

(Suddenly the car dragged to a halt as tthe yellow waddling things, quacking as they went.)

Steven: Why are you braking?

Sir Lance: I'm fragile in places.

Steven: Lance, they're ducks- quacking things, we have to get back to Lord Mike's to tell him how incredibly brave I've been. Drive over them!

Sir Lance: But they're so fluffy little yellow duckling things.

Steven: Lance, judging by the title we are going to feature a werewolf-type curse involving ducks, we have to get one of us cursed so the story can move on! Do it!

Sir Lance: You're the brain, Steven.

Lance's Brain: Hey! I resent that- right, evil forces, do you your worst!

(Suddenly as the car moves forwards the ducks turn to look at the car when suddenly their eyes glow red and with a splash of a bad CSO effect only Steven can stare in horror while Lance squeals as their car is rocked violently, note- Stagehand's hands on the side of the car as someone continually throws snow across the window.)

Narrator: Suddenly the car is flying through the air!

Sir Lance: Wheee this is just like the second Gary Otter film!

Steven: Oh no, Lance I can't believe you just made me remember that horrible film oh yes and we're heading for the ground very, very......

BANG! BASH! CRASH! SMASH! PING! PONG! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

(As they pull themselves free from the car Lance smiles simply while Steven shakes his head.)

Steven: Lance, do you know what you've just done? You've given me the worst nightmares in my life- Oh God, I can even remember the songs and the cheeky little House ferret!

Sir Lance: Nobby!

Steven: Oh god, no!

(Suddenly there is a thrash from the darkness.)

Steven: What was that?

Lance's Brain: Someone probably having a good time, so Narrator, what happened next?

Sir Lance: Something's coming out of the darkness!

Steven: Well it's hardly going into it, you don't go in to come out you know.

Sir Lance: I'm not that way inclined.

Steven: Ah, the cursing. Well got on with it!

(Suddenly a heavy, dark taloned webbed foot crashes down through the mud as many figures emerge. They Quack/ howl horribly.)

Steven: Ah, you've made it- he's over there, he drove the car, I forced him to try and mow you down because we were late. He did it, didn't you Lance.

Sir Lance: I cannot tell a lie, I did.

Lance's Brain: Oh God! You are a pillock! Think for yourself, you fool.

Sir Lance: Um, hello there large, vicious looking fluffy killer ducks. Brain? Brain? Um... Quack!

(Suddenly the monsters close in on Lance, there is the sounds of screams and giggles? As Steven stands there stretching.)

Steven: Ah, about time too, this story's actually moving along now. I think it's time we had a scene chane.

Narrator: Don't you mean scene change?

Steven: I know what I mean, and now a scene chane.

(There is a wibbly-wobbly CSO effect as we fade out to Lord Mike's Mansion; there Steven stands before Lord Mike, suntanned and wearing a beret and onions, Lady Marian and Professor Watt.)

Steven: And so as the story started to go ahead I turned around and the monsters and Lance were all wearing eyepatches...

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Watt: How frightfully witty of you General.

Marian: Shouldn't that be frighteningly funny? I've just noticed how grim this story's going.

Lord Mike: Nonsense Madame, I am just hoping that it picks up eventually- eh Salut.

Marian: What?

Watt: Yes?

Marian: Never mind. So what's this big thing you have to tell us Steven?

Steven: Well we sort of were driving back here last night.

Lord Mike: Sut alors! Au Secours and all that!

Steven: Well Lance was driving and we sort of aggravated some ducks, had a nasty CSO effects or two and the Narrator didn't erxplain the backstory until over half way across the third page.

Lord Mike: Pourquoi?

Steven: Eh?

Watt: Perhaps he's having an off day?

Marian: Perhaps and this is it?

Steven: Well Lance kind of got mauled by ducks.

Lord Mike: You what?

Steven: No, he is.

Marian: Well it's not that hard to imagine.

Watt: Wait a moment.

Steven: Alright.

Watt: No, I mean. These duckling that you ran over.

Steven: Well, the car did that, not me. I'm not that heavy.

Watt: Were these ducks a sort of fiery red with spikes etc.

Steven: Not really, just yellow and fluffy and had a bad CSO effect around them.

Watt: By Lord Mike's beard!

Lord Mike: Oh, you've finally noticed. I thought it was a nice accessory.

Marian: Oh that's what it was, I thought it was Nibbles trying out for a balancing act?

Watt: Not it's worse than that- I believe that young Sir Lance was savaged by a waddle of were-ducks!

Marian: Were-ducks?

Steven: Usually on a pond or in a river.

Lord Mike: Were-Ducks? Are you sure about that Watt?

Watt: Who's the Professor?

Steven: You're wrong Watt- he was a Doctor.

Marian: So Lance is going to do what? Turn into one of those things?

Watt: When the pond is full, and the air is still he'll find himself drawn to it. From there he'll grow a liking for soggy breadcrumbs...

Marian: So what else is new?

Watt: He'll start quacking public, frolicking with the fowl before transformation set in and then.

Lord Mike: Yes?

Watt: Do I have to paint you a picture?

Lord Mike: Just a quick sketch, we must get on with the story.

Watt: Lance will in no doubt turn into a quasi-savage were-duck and murder and eat his bestest friends in the whole wide world. There is no known cure- other then emmigrating!

Steven: Quasi?

Watt: It sounds scientific, I am a Professor after all.

Marian: Handy you knew all that information Professor.

Watt: Not really, am I the only one round here who reads the script around here? We must find Sir Lance before he has a chance to go to a park or quack in public or even worse- nest!

Lord Mike: No, there has to be another way.

Watt: Until they build a bypass- no.

Marian: Then we'd better get well stocked up and fully loaded?

Lord Mike: Is this the sexual content that was mentioned above I wonder?

Marian: Of course not, now get your gun out and come this way, there's a duck we have to shoot.

Lord Mike: I'm not that way inclined.

Marian: Fair enough then Steven can shoot it.

Steven: Professor? Are you in actual fact a cheap knock-off of the Peter Cushing Dr Who character as seen in the films and nothing more than a stereotypical manifestation of an absent-minded, eccentric mad scientist?

Watt: Don't talk piffle, I went there on my holidays last year and it was rotten. Now lets go a hunting for this pseudo duck-monster with Lance's brain before it all gets nasty!

(Suddenly something long, dark and wriggling appears!)

Lord Mike: Good grief!

Watt: Saint's preserve us.

Marian: Don't be silly, it's just Nibbles. Hello Nibbles, what's wrong?

(Marian picks him up and immediately he starts wriggling quickly.)

Nibbles: Eeeeep eeeeep eep eep eeeep eeeep eeep eeeeep. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Marian: He says that Lance was paddling in the pond like a duck.

Nibbles: EEEEP!

Marian: And that he leaped over the wall and flapped off down the road quacking.

Steven: Incredible.

Watt: Precisely.

Steven: How can you understand all that squeaking?

Marian: Ah, well I went to see Gary Otter many times. It helps, those songs....

Steven: Oh no, the nightmares!

Watt: Oh no, the Duck-man/ moster thing is out there!

Lord Mike: Oh no, Nibbles is eating my beard!

Narrator:........ What? Oh, it's me. Is this the end for our heroes, the end just insight- wait that's wrong. Lucy plucked free her dainty silken panties from her long warm legs, the heat embraced them deep as the breeze wafted.... Sorry that's wrong too.

Watt/ Steven/ Lord Mike: No it isn't!

Narrator: Lance- the duck monster is on his way to the park- beware the Quacking! Beware! Right who'se for tea, my round.

CLIFF-HANGER!

Int. Dark nest box thingy.

Figure: Quack, Quackquack.

Figure2: Yes, wonderful.

Figure1: Quack Quack?

Figure2: Of course you'll get your moist crumbs. I will defeat Lord Mike! Yes, I think I will. Mwahahahahaaack, oops sorry.

Figure1: Quack, quack quackquack?

Figure2: Sardines.

Figure1: (nods) Quaaack.

****

Ext. Near Nere-do-well Park

Lord Mike, Marian, Steven and PRofessor Watt are observing Lance quack quite Lancively......

Steven: My, even the narrator is using morse code!

Lord Mike: Shh, Lance will hear us.

MArain: Yes, do be quiet.

Watt: Now the plan is we walk quietly up to Lance and throw this netting over him and drag him into my lab where I can find a cure.

They walk up to Lance tentatively as he quacks.

Lance's Brain: Help me, Help me...

They get closer and toss the netting over Lance.

LAnce: Quaaaaack!!!!

Watt: Hold him!

Marian: Hold 'Him' Mike!

Lord Mike: (Releasing Marian) Oh sorry.

Steven and Lord Mike struggle with Lance. Nibbles is trying to tie off the netting.

Suddenly from the sky a giant shadow flies over them.

Watt: Great Cornwallis, the Were-duck!

Steven: Where?

Watt: YEs!

Mike: We've did that one.

Watt: Ahh.

Marian: Hey, it's carrying something, it looks like a pear wearing a tuxedo...

Mike: (A look of terror) No, he was destroyed in the ABD explosion in Murder!

Steven: Who?

Mike leans over and whispers into Steven's ear.

Steven: Great Rock hoppers!

Lord Mike: Exactly.

Marian: It can't be.

Lord Mike: Mark of the Rani...

Marian: Never mind.

As they made cryptic suggestions to who could've been carried off by the Were-duck, Lance makes an escape.

Lord Mike: Oh, drat.

Steven: Oh no, Nibbles is tied to to the netting which is tangled to Lance.

Watt: We have to get him!

Marian: Yes, he reminds me so much of Gary Otter movies.

Steven: Gahhhh!!! The nightmares, the nightmaressssssszzzz..

They rush off after the quackling known as Lance.

How's that for involving Nibbles? Err, ok it bites but at least he can't be left out of the story... How's the post otherwise?