h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Int. SS Rodentia, captian's quarters]

SSB and Simon are having a session.

SImon: Yes, I think the fact that your mother was an iron maiden and your father was a mall rat are very pertinent to your career choice and your inability to commit to a relationship any further than picking an intern.

SSB: (lying on a couch) Arr, I feel thar need ter burp!

Simon: Let's explore that feeling for a minute and see if it gets us anywhere.

SSB: URRRRRP! Err, thart made me feel much bettar!

Simon: (putting fingers on chin and nodding) Good, good, I'm glad. (looks at watch) Umm, I'm afraid our session is over.

SSB: Oh!

Simon: Well, I think we made good progress today, but I think we should work on this plank walking thing. How are we ever going to form relationships if we kill everyone we have a slight problem with? Now, don't forget I charge hourly, ahem! (looks around out stretches hand)

SSB looks up and gives Simon a bag of wealthiness.

Simon: Thank you.

SSB: Lindsmee, ya big pansy, kerm and take this scrundrel ter the brig'.

Lindsmee prowls into the captain's quarters.

SSB: Stop, that prowlin'; It worries me!

Lindsmee, walking like a statesman, takes Simon to the brig'.

SSB: Arr, Wildenly, kerm in 'ere!

Wildenly walks in.

Wildenly: (smiling) Err, yes, sir?

SSB: Climb up on me shuldar 'n' be me parrot!

Wildenly: But you have a parrot?

SSB: Err, I ate it.

Wildenly climbs up on SSB's shoulder and begins to caw self consciously.

[Int. SS Rodentia, captian's quarters]

SSB and Simon are having a session.

SImon: Yes, I think the fact that your mother was an iron maiden and your father was a mall rat are very pertinent to your career choice and your inability to commit to a relationship any further than picking an intern.

SSB: (lying on a couch) Arr, I feel ther need ter burp!

Simon: Let's explore that feeling for a minute and see if it gets us anywhere.

SSB: URRRRRP! Err, thart made me feel much bettar!

Simon: (putting fingers on chin and nodding) Good, good, I'm glad. (looks at watch) Umm, I'm afraid our session is over.

SSB: Oh!

Simon: Well, I think we made good progress today, but I think we should work on this plank walking thing. How are we ever going to form relationships if we kill everyone we have a slight problem with? Now, don't forget I charge hourly, ahem! (looks around out stretches hand)

SSB looks up and gives Simon a bag of wealthiness.

Simon: Thank you.

SSB: Lindsmee, ya big pansy, kerm and take this scrundrel ter the brig'.

Lindsmee prowls into the captain's quarters.

SSB: Stop, that prowlin'; It worries me!

Lindsmee, walking like a statesman, takes Simon to the brig'.

SSB: Arr, Wildenly, kerm in 'ere!

Wildenly walks in.

Wildenly: (smiling) Err, yes, sir?

SSB: Climb up on me shuldar 'n' be me parrot!

Wildenly: But you have a parrot?

SSB: Err, I ate it.

Wildenly climbs up on SSB's shoulder and begins to caw self consciously.

Hurricane: Arr, what's that off the Starrbard side?!

Jenny May: (Lance, in the Millsmanor, swoons) It's not like anything I've ever seen!

Andrew: (the first mate of Captain Hurricane) Arr, it's a rare double post!

Short Juan Martinez: (here just to round off the cameos) Arrg, some one could be in trouble, or not.

Hurricane: Never mind, back to our own adventarr!!

THey turn their ship from the dispicable double post and continue on their, probably more interesting, adventure.

The Otter's Glory is still giving chase but DeMillzy has given up shouting orders at the crew and instead he and Lady Marian have retired to his cabin - no, not in that way! - where he is showing her his momentos. When we join he is showing her a photo.

DeMillzy: This is a picture of me with REM, that's me in the corner

In Mills House Steven groans.

Lord Mike: What?

Steven: That's an old joke

Lord Mike: That as may be but it's still funny!

Back to the story...

Lanc comes running into the cabin, unortunately it's the wrong cabin so he runs back out and into the right one.

Lanc: Captain, we've nearly caught up with the Rodentia!

DeMillzy leaps to his feet, but, being a tall man in a low-ceilinged cabin - bangs his head and falls back onto the bed. He gets up again, a lot slower this time.

DeMillzy: Why didn't you tell me sooner?

Lanc: Because we hadn't nearly caught up on it earlier

Lady Marian: He's got a point you know

DeMillzy: I know, but it's probably best not to encourage him. Quickly, to the deck!

DeMillzy races onto deck, followed by Lady Marian and Lanc. He spies the Rodentia and smiles broadly.

DeMillzy: All hands on deck!

Every puts their hands on Richard Dawkins, a seemingly unimportant character who just happens to be in this scene.

DeMillzy: What are you doing?

Lanc: Putting all hands on Dick.

(Boom-tish!)

DeMillzy: Yes, well, there's no time for all that now. We must get that Salt Shaker back.

Lady Marian: And rescue my sister Lissa.

DeMillzy: Eh?

Lady Marian: Remember when you first brought me aboard, I told you my sister had been kidnapped?

DeMillzy: Er ... of course I do.

Lady Marian: Well, nobody has mentioned it since. I didn't want to be impolite by bringing it up, but we have to find her as well.

DeMillzy: Never worry, fair lass, for wherever we find the Salt Shaker we'll find your sister, Lissa Anne Brideford. (calls) Lanc!

Lanc (disinterested): Yes?

DeMillzy (whispers): Get off to the script writer quickly! We have to write in another character in the end scenes, one I'm afraid we forgot about.

Lanc (aloud)u mean Lissa?

DeMillzy: Shh! Yes.

Lanc: That's alright, she's actually already been rescued. I did that while you lot weren't looking.

DeMillzy stares increduously at Lanc.

DeMillzy: Since when have you done any of the heroid stuff? And "off-screen" no less?

Lanc (smiles, trying desperately to tie in with DeMillzy's clever REM joke earlier): That's me in the spotlight.

DeMillzy hits Lanc with a nearby gangplank.

Int SS Rodentia's brig

Simon, who has been in a surprising number of scene considering his total incidental characterness, is sitting in his cell which is surprisingly close to Lissa's

Lissa: SO you think that my problems are rooted between the fact that I'm not sure that I've been rescued and the fact that I have a different surname than my sister?

Simon: (who's been doing a crossword puzzle for at least an hour and thusly not listening to Lissa's insane ramblings) Err, that sounds, umm, about right. (clasping hands and putting his chin on the point of two pointed fingers) How do you feel when you're with your sister?

Lissa: Err, good, I guess.

Before Simon could answer, in probably cliched way, thunder is heard!

Simon: Storm?

Lissa: No canons!

Simon: Oh, dear me, the continuity police are coming?!

Lissa: No, the big guns found on ships!

Simon: I have the feeling that their be some swashbuckling and a heroic rescue in the near future!

Lissa: You're a psychiatrist not a psychic!

Simon: Oh, sorry!

He sits down in his cell, dejected that he's not psychic.

Simon: Here I thought I had special powers and now I find out I'm just a common-place shrink.

THe scene ends in an endearing bit of crying form Simon.

Lanc falls to the deck, Richard pushes him off so Lanc instead falls down the stairwell back into the galley. DeMillzy turns to the helmsman.

DeMillzy: Take us in Mister Sulu

Sulu: Yes, Captain

DeMillzy: All cannons fire!

The Canon Sir Reginald Thurston is fired at the Rodentia, knocking Mister Wildenly over board.

Stevie: Good shot lads!

DeMillzy: No, cannon you idiots!

Dimensions in Time is fired at the Rodentia

Lady Marian: Ooh, contraversial...

DeMillzy: No, cannon! You pitiful excuse for a sailor! Who have we got down there anyway?

Stevie: Why, Dave the Naughty Salor of course

DeMillzy: I should have guessed...

Finally the proper cannons fire and a cannon ball smashes straight through the mast of the Rodentia. SSB spins around like a top on his wooden leg before being stopped by Lindsmee so that he is facng the Otter's Glory.

SSB: Damn you to hell DeMillzy!

Stevie (to Lady Marian): Am I the only one who's noticed that the captain appears to be played by Iowan Gruffud?

Lady Marian: Probably because he's Welsh and has dark hair

Stevie: Must be

Oddly for two posts posted at almost exactly the same time, if you place Bufanda's post after mine they make perfect sense!

INT. RODENTIA'S DUNGEONS

(Lissa, in her cell next to Simon's, sighs.)

Simon (starts guiltily): What's the matter?

Lissa: Oh, I don't know.

Simon: It hasn't got anything to do with the fact that I, erm, haven't been exactly paying strict heed to your, erm, conversation?

Lissa: What? Oh no. I guess I'm just bored.

Simon: Ah.

(They both sit for a few more minutes.)

(Then suddenly, the door to Lissa's cell bursts open, and Wildenly enters, shuddering slightly at the crash.)

Wildenly: Ahem?

Lissa: Have you got anything I could read? It's very dull in here with only Simon to talk to -- no offence of course.

Simon: None taken. It would be surrendering to groundless derogatory impulses to believe you meant that in an unfriendly fashion.

Wildenly: I have the honour to desire your presence, on the part of my Captain, in his quarters for interrogation.

Lissa (getting up): Oh, well, it's something to do anyway.

Simon: Do not give in to feelings of depression.

Lissa: Yes, goodbye to you too, Simon.

Wildenly: If you would kindly step this way, madam?

EXT DECK OF OTTER'S GLORY

(Lady Marian watches rather disgustedly as the Cannons are fired ineptly.)

Lady Marian (shakes her head): Why don't they get someone who can handle Canons properly?

Stevie: Can I help, Cap'n?

DeMillzy: Eh? What do you know about Cannons?

Stevie: Cannons? Oh, I thought we were talking about carrots.

(DeMillzy and Marian look at him funny, until he goes off to try to read the paper.)

Marian (frowns): I didn't know Steven was interested in the news.

DeMillzy: Not really, he's only interested in facts.

Marian: Ah. I see, an injoke.

DeMillzy: Yes, but not a particularly well-written one.

(As DeMillzy squints disapprovingly at his copy of the script, the Rodentia fires another round at the Otter's Glory.)

Marian: They don't seem to be able to shoot straight over there.

INT. CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS, RODENTIA

(Mr. Wildenly leads Lissa in to be interrogated my Stainless-Steel Beard.)

Wildenly: Right in here, madam.

SSB: Who be tharrr?

(Lindsmee, skulking in the backround, as ever, leans over and explains to SSB who has come in.)

SSB: Ahhhhh! The prisoner!

Lissa: One of them, yes. How do you do?

SSB: Verry well, thanks to ye. Now, you're going to be interrogated...

Lissa: Yes, Mr. Wildenly told me.

SSB: So are ye going to answer me questions?

Lissa: Oh, I don't know.... Why do you wear two eyepatches? It must make it a bit difficult to see where you're going.

Lindsmee: He doesn't do things by halves.

Lissa: Ah.

SSB: Answer me questions, ye wench!

Lissa (surprised): But how can I? You haven't asked me any yet!

SSB: Arrr, yes....

*****

(Somewhere, Stefen is trying to bump into lampposts, thinking it might make him as popular as Steven. Unfortunately, there are very few lampposts in the middle of the Pacific.)

Ext. On the deck of the Otter's Glory

The ship heaves strong to port and everyone does a sad, Star Trek attempt at falling over. Stevie comes running to DeMillzy.

Stevie: Cap'n, Cap'n, the Rodentia is shooting giant brains with the sticker 'Morbius' stuck on them, it's utterly disgusting!

Demillzy: (shouting at the Rodentia) When they said cannon they meant the lead balls you gits!

Suddenly a volley of canon balls strike the Otter's Glory, Lanc comes running up.

Lanc: Cap'n, Cap'n, we're taking on water!

The ship's doctor simply called Bones runs up.

Bones: I prescribe a diuretic!

The regular cast look at this guy and turn back to DeMillzy.

DeMillzy: (lifting his sword up) To the DeMillzylifeboat!

Everyone climbs into the DeMillzy lifeboat, well, except for Steven who jumped off the wrong side of the boat, fortunately the others paddled around the ship and picked him up.

Stevie: What's the plan?

DeMillzy: Err, we paddle over to the Rodentia and ask for Simon, Lissa and the Salt Shaker back.

Stevie: Sounds good to me!

*****

Int. Rodentia's Captian's quarters

SSB is interrogating Lissa.

Lissa: I'll never talk, never! You couldn't pry these lips open with a herd of angry wombats!

SSB: Fine we'll just sit here and anachronastically watch, oh I don't know, umm, Timelarsh!!!

Lissa: No, not Timelarsh!!!

SSB: Yes, Mwahardyharhar!!!!

Lissa: (crying as Colin Baker's face fades to the horizon line) What do want?

SSB: So what does this thing do? (twiddles the salt shaker on his hook)

Lissa: Ahh, it turns chicken soup into lutefisk!!!

SSB: What!!?

Lissa: Lutefisk, a smelly Norwegian fish.

SSB: Arr. (nods) Arr, so much evil in such a little sharker, marrvelous! Does this work on anything else?

Lissa: (looking furtively) Yeh, but not very stably.

SSB: People?

Lissa: Possibly, but sometimes it only makes them sneeze!

SSB: Isn't that pepper that makes people sneeze?

Lissa: Yes, probably.

SSB laughs maniacally as Lissa's dragged back to the brig'.

Int. Mills manor

Steven: (smiling with plothole exposing smugness) What happened to Hieronomous?

Lord Mike: You know what happened, he tried to kill the Doctor and drained the Helix energy and died!

Steven: No Mr. von Wer!

Lord Mike: Umm, he was killed!

Steven: Since when!?

Lord Mike: You remember the pork pie on SSB's shoulder?

Steven turns a strange, green color.

Lance: Oh, and shouldn't the people be talking in prose with he said she said, instead of script?

Lord Mike: (exasperatingly) It's too late now, so just suck it up!

Steven: Well I never!

Lance: No, you haven't, but I have!

Steven: Oh, really was it fun?

LAnce: No, my parents ruined it for me!

Lord Mike: They walked in on you?

Lance: No, they told the ride operator I was wearing platform shoes and he took me off the roller coaster. I vowed never again to go to Wumbleworld!!!

Lord Mike rolls his eyes and hits Lance with a relatively thick book.

As Lance whimpered off Lord Mike continued the story.

Lord Mike: Err, anyway the faithful crew of the Otter's Glory were paddling up on the Rodentia.....

Ext. DeMillzy lifeboat.

DeMillzy: Row, row, row!

LAnc: Steven, your such an idiot!

Stevie: Well, your a bigger idiot!

Marian: Your both idiots! He wants you to paddle, you twits, not fight!!

Nibbles who had, unexplainably been on DeMillzy's shoulder since they left the ship goes to scout out the Rodentia!

Stevie: (hurt) Nibbles always gets to scout out the enemy ship!

DeMillzy: THat's because he can fly!

They eventually reach the ship only having to fight a Kracken, a sea serpent, and a white sperm whale.

They slowly climbed up the side of ship, and jumped on board only to find that they'd accidently hijacked the Queen Mary!

DeMillzy: Something's not right here!

The Captain of the Queen Mary walks up.

Captain: (who has a bit of a unnaturally shiny tint) Arr, I mean how may I assist you?

Before DeMillzy answers a pensioner walks up to them

Pensioner1: (incase there are multiple pensioners) Umm, you're standing on the shuffle board court.

DeMillzy: (to the pensioner) oh, sorry! THis is supposed to be the SS Rodentia, now where is it!?

Captain: Ar, umm, I have no idea what you are speaking of!

Marian: (sniffing) I smell a beard!

Lanc: Isn't it supposed to be rat?

Stevie: I don't suppose that gag would work here since he's not the Stainless Steel Rat but instead he's Stainless Steel Beard.

Everyone looks at Stevie.

Stevie: (uncomfortable) What?

DeMillzy: THat's like the most intelligent thing you've ever said!

Marian: (snapping fingers in a 'this is an important I understand' sort of way) SSB has used the Salt Shaker and it's effects are affecting reality to those without the intelligence to notice what's happening!

Lance: Hi, everyone how are you doing?

MArian: I thought it was Lanc!

Lance: WHo's Lanc? WHat is a Lanc anyways?

DeMilly: THis is more than I can deal with! I could barely deal with Steven being cognitive, but these apparating 'e's are over the top!

Marian: Hold it together, Michael, this isn't even the scary bit!

DeMillzy: (points) Look, do you hear that?

Stevie: But if the universe isn't a Euclidian plane, but in fact, a non-Euclidian plane we could be in a bit of trouble because we won't be on p-branes but on m-branes!

Marian: THis is a plot collapse isn't it?

(Umm, it's a bit of padding)

Marian: Actually, it's a bit disturbing, DeMillzy, pay attention!!

DeMillzy snaps into awareness, and stops trying to find catches on the shuffleboard sticks.

DeMillzy: Sorry.

Umm, a few minutes later a conclusion to this post occurs!

Right about now!

(At which point, to avoid all the Lancs, Lances, brainy Stevens, or Stevies, and all sorts of disturbing plot changes, we will disregard continuity so far as to pretend half of that {the half we don't like} didn't happen.)

(I, shall now try to salvage this collapsing story by playing some dodgy tricks with the overall continuity-)

(Ahem!)

EXT. QUEEN MARY, aka RODENTIA

(The characters all suddenly become tired of the way things were going in the last post, so DeMillzy decides it's time to leave.)

DeMillzy (clears throat): To the DeMillzy Dingy!

(They all get in the boat and start paddling back to the Otter's Glory.)

Marian: I thought this was called the DeMillzy-Lifeboat.

DeMillzy: I'm still experimenting with catchy names for it.

Marian (nods): Ah.

EXT. RODENTIA

(SSB is interrogating Lissa again.)

SSB: Whar's the Saltshaker, girl?! Tell me!

Lindsmee (tugs at SSB's coat): Uh, Cap'n?

SSB: What is it, Lindmee? I'm tryin to do an interrogation here, arrr!

Lindsmee: Aye, Cap'n, but the girl's not here.

SSB: She i'nt?

Lindmee: No, Cap'n.

SSB (thoughtfully): Oh, well arr....

INT. ISLAND TREASURE ROOM

(Stefen stands looking at Lance, who turned out to be a pot of yogurt.)

Stefen: It was never I liked yogurt.

Fellow: Oh, but I think that's a mask too...

(He pulls off the mask, revealing...)

(The Silver Salt-Shaker of Unst!!!)

(Bet that surprised you.)

Stefen: Oh, well, it is not it is even food now, that it is useless, yes?

(He tosses it into a convenient junkpile in the treasure room.)

EXT. DEMILLZY, ERM... BOAT-THING

(DeMillzy and Marian are sitting in the boat while Stevie and Lanc row.)

Stevie: Has anyone noticed how much the word 'Paddling' is like the word 'Padding'?

(They all ignore him.)

Lanc: Can't I paddle from inside the boat?

Marian: No, there's not enough room. Besides, you're all wet.

Lanc: That's true.

Stevie: Yes, you are pretty wet. (An stunning idea hits him.) It might have something to do with the water, you know?

DeMillzy: I'd like to say something.

Marian: Well go ahead, it's your story.

DeMillzy: When we were on the Rodentia, I managed to rescue Lissa.

Marian: Really? Splendid! Where is she?

DeMillzy: Er... around here somewhere... There she is.

Hieronymous: Marian! Oh my dear daughter!

Marian: I thought you said you'd rescued Lissa?

DeMillzy (enigmatically): I thought I had...

Marian: But this is my father!

DeMillzy (enigmatically): Yes...

Hieronymous: What, no greeting for your doting father, Marian, my child?

Marian: Hullo, dad, glad your well. I heard you'd been turned into a pork pie.

Hieronymous (looks down at himself): Evidently not.

Marian: Someone's really messed up this story's continuity.

DeMillzy: Let's go back to the Rodentia and sort things out. To the DeMillzy-Little-Ship-Without-a-Sail-To-Be-Used-in-Emergencies!

Marian: We're already in it.

DeMillzy: Oh yes.

(As they start to return, the Rodentia begins firing on the boat, SSB having noticed that the person who everyone assumed was Lissa but who was really Mr. von Wer all along, had escaped, and puts a rather sizable hole into it - that is, the boat, not the escape...)

DeMillzy: Oh well, we'd better go back to the Otter's Glory then.

Marian: But it was sinking!

DeMillzy: Yes, but more slowly.

Stevie: Oh no! We're sinking! Help!

(He jumps into the boat, clinging to Marian, who gets all wet as a result. The Boat sinks faster.)

(Later...)

Marian: Finally, back at the Otter's Glory! I thought I'd give the Narrator a break.

(Thank you.)

DeMillzy: Wait a moment! If Mr. von Wer isn't Lissa...

Marian: He isn't.

DeMillzy: Then where is Lissa?

(At this moment, Lissa walks out onto the deck.)

Lissa: Hello Marian! Hello everyone.

DeMillzy: How did you get here?

Lissa: Lanc rescued me ages ago. I've been here ever since. Didn't he tell you?

(Everyone turns to Lanc.)

Lanc: I told you all a million posts ago, but no one listened.

Ext. Mills Manor

Lord Mike: Err, and that's it, every one is saved and the salt shaker's lost in the shuffle!

Steven: THat is insane especially the that last bit!

Lord Mike: Well, that's how it happened all those years ago and also how I got this!

Lord Mike grabs his cane, flips a catch and magically a silver salt shaker pops out.

Steven: Is that...?

Lord Mike: Quite.

Lance: (Recovered from his book accident) What accident! (Erm, recovered from the literary incident) What about Simon? You've conveniently forgotten about him, and the Otter's Glory what about that!

Lord Mike: Erm, Simon and SSB lived a wonderful life together as doctor and patient, DeMillzy used that platter of jellybabies as caulking for the ship, and as for the rest that doesn't quite get covered this happened....!

Lord Mike shakes the salt shaker on Lance's head and he turns into a duck.

LAnce: Quack quack quuaaaack!!!

Which translated means' "Oh drat not again!"

Auf Wiedersehn!