h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In a day and age of international espionage and Cranberry fruit juice blends we bring you the thrilling sea, err, thriller of Rats Ahoy!!



Int. the Mills Manor family room

Lord Mike, Lance and Steven are sitting leisurely by as they are on they're day off and are thusly leisurely.

Director: What!? That made about as much sense as something totally nonsensical!

(Well, excuse me, I'm just reading the script!)

Lord Mike is watching Lance attempting to play solitaire. LAnce, unfortunately, is trying to shuffle the cards and they fly all over the place. Steven who is reading a book titled "How to Identify Lampposts and Subsequently Avoid Them" gets up to get a drink of water and slides on one of the cards and falling into a replica lamppost that was in the corner of the room!

Lord Mike: (rolling his eyes) LAnce, Steven, come here and I'll tell you a tale of the fateful trip of the H.M.S. Otter's GLory and it's stunning adventure to Raeskull island to catch the pirate, Captain Stainless-Steel Beard. It all started on a nice summer day in, well, summer.....

Stock wavy dream scene change.

Steven: (scared) What's happening!?

Lord Mike: (In mid-wave) It's just the scene changing to the story!

Lance: Oh, well this is a bit of fanciness, isn't it?

Steven: (sickly) Well, this is rather like that ride at EuroDisney. It's making my stomach turn.

Lord Mike: (rolling eyes) Oh fine, narrator, please just fade to black!

Begins to fade to black.

Steven: (Anxious) No, please, no, I'm afraid of the dark!

Lord Mike: Oh, for Pete's sake! We have to change scene!

Steven: (starting to cry) Well, I'm sorry. DO you think I like having all these phobias.

Lord Mike: What can we do?

Lance: Let's jump to the next post!

Lord Mike: Fine!

They wait for the post to change not really doing anything at all!

When the scene finally changes it is on the HMS Otter's Glory. The brave Captain Michael K DeMillzy, on his shoulder sits his Parrot Nibbles. Next to him is his first mate Lancelot Baylis (known as Lance for the purposes of this adventure - though the reasons for this are never adaquetly explored) and on his other side Stevie Ford, the ship's Cook.

When we join Captain Michael is looking out across the sea with his telescope.

DeMillzy: I've spotted it!

Lanc: Spotted what sir?!

DeMillzy: The bit of dirt on the lense of this telescope

He wipes the dirt away and looks again.

Ford: See anything new sir?

DeMillzy: Aye, a lifeboat with a woman aboard!

Ford (excited): Did you say a woman sir?

DeMillzy: No, I said a lifeboat, then I said a woman

DeMillzy turns to Lanc

DeMillzy: Mister Lanc, bring her aboard!

Lanc: Aye cap'n

Lanc crosses to the side of the ship, lassoos the omwan from the lifeboat and pulls her aboard, banging her against the edge several time son the way. He dumps her on to the deck and the others crowd around her. DemIllzy his interested in the new arrival, Steven is interested in the fact that there is a woman in a wet dress lying in front of him and Lanc is interested in that cloud that looks a bit like a filafax.

DeMillzy: Good lady, welcome aboard Her Majesty's Ship, Otter's Glory. I am Captain Michael K Demillzy, brave and dashed enigmatic explorer of a thousand seas

Ford: But there's only three

DeMillzy: Shut up

The woman gets to her feet

Woman: I am Lady Marian, daughter of Heironomous Von Wer, the famous merchant. Our ship was boarded by the evil Captain Stainless-Steel Beard. He took the ship, the crew, my father and my sister Lissa Anne Brideford

Lanc: Hang on, if you're sisters, why have you got different surnames?

DeMillzy cuffs anc around the earhole

As Lanc hobbles off to nurse his earhole wounds, DeMillzy takes Lady MArian and Steven down to the galley.

DeMillzy: (talking to MArian) You are probably hungry, Stevie, fix the young lass something to eat.

Stevie: Fortunately I'd already gotten supper ready!

Lady MArian: It's only eight in the morning.

Stevie: I like to be prepared.

Stevie walks around the counter and pulls up a large platter.

Lady Marian: It-it's only jellybabies, licorice allsorts and twinkies.

Stevie: What's your point?

Before Marian can answer DeMillzy raises his hand to impede an arguement with no forseeable ending.

DeMillzy: Why did Stainless-Steel beard attack your ship? He usually only boards the most audaciouly loaded ships.

Marian: You know Stainless-Steel Beard!

DeMillzy: Err, yes, I met him in Ship Captaining School!

Stevie: I thought you and him were...

DeMillzy: I've told you, Ford, my dice don't roll that way!

Marian: (trying to ignore the last three lines) My father was carrying the world famous Silver Salt Shaker of Unst.

Stevie: For being world famous, it sure seems obscure to me, I've never heard of it!

DeMillzy: (hits Stevie with the special hitting spoon) That's because you're a cook. It's not your place to know about salt shakers!

Stevie: Umm, actually it is.

DeMillzy: Do you want a flogging?!

Stevie walks back on deck grumbling!

Suddennly the emergency bells begin to clang.

DeMillzy and Marian run up the stairs.

A few minutes later Stevie realises that those are the step's to the captain's cabin.

Stevie: Oi! Leave it you two, the alarm bells are ringing!

DeMillzy and Marian run back down the stairs, adjusting hair and clothing

DeMillzy: Just... um... we were just playing tiddlywinks

Stevie turns and runs up the steps to the deck, trips up and the others run over him on their hurry to get back up to the deck. Simon Bufanda, the ship's psychologist appears from one of the doors and sits on the step where Stevie is lying.

Simon (who sounds pleasingly like any other stereotypical German pyscologist): You really must stop letting people walk all over you

Drums to be inserted here if we can afford them. Unfortunately for Steveie we can afford the insertion of some drums and its not very comfortable for him.

Meanwhile, up on deck DeMillzy is looking at the approaching ship through his telescope.

DeMillzy: No need to worry lads, they're miles away!

Marian reaches over and turns DeMillzy's telescope around the right way

DeMillzy: Good God, they've sped up a bit!

As the ship zooms into view, it becomes appulingly apparent that this is a very dodgy model shot of a model boat in a bathtub. But more than that, there flag flying up the mast shows the tell tale skull of a Rat, with two strangely french-bread shaped items crossed beneath it.

DeMillzy: Egads! It can only be ...

Marian and DeMillzy (together): Stainless Steel Beard!

Lance (who is swabbing the deck nearby): Who?

Stevie: Weren't you listening during the last few scenes?

Lance: No.

Stevie: Why not?

Lance: I wasn't in them. So I figured they weren't that important.

Steve "accidentally" knocks Lance into the hold.

DeMillzy: They're coming closer!

It becomes apprarent that something apparently apparent is about to apprently happen. On the deck of the other ship, a man who looks remarkably like Stevie is looking at them, one eye covered by an eyepatch and the other squinted shut.

Man: Why is it that it is that it's so dark when it is indeed during the day?

Stevie: With English that bad he can only be one person!

DeMillzy: Your evil counsin Stefen McFjord?

Stevie: No, I was thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger actually.

Lance (echoing from the hold below): Maybe he's being played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Marian: That would explain the sunglasses and leather jacket at least.

The other boat is running right beside the Otter's Glory. DeMillzy looks down at the figure, who is still trying to see through the eyepatch.

DeMillzy: Perhaps if you opened the other eye ...

Stefen: What? Oh yes indeedy, that is so much better. (ahem) Now hand over all of what it is in your hold, all of the teasures that you have, as t'were.

Marian (saddened): Why are you taking all this from us?

Stefen: Becauuuse ........ I was being told to. Now hand it all over, please.

Stevie: You swine! If my mother's sister heard about this ...

Stefen: But it isn't the case that she will, you know. Where is the treasure I have been sent to find?

Stevie (craftily): Did you say ... everything that's in our hold?

Stefen: That is indeed what it was that I said, silly-billy English cousin that you are.

Stevie (whispers to DeMillzy): I think we should hand it all over.

DeMillzy: But ... but there's only one crate. And it's empty except for Lance, who you pushed in there.

Stevie: Exactly.

Stevie nudges DeMillzy in the ribs playfully, and winks.

DeMillzy: I'm sorry old chap, I'm not that way inclined.

Lance (echo): I can't actually hear what you're talking about up there on deck, but I should point out you've already done that gag in this story. Although it was slightly different.

DeMillzy: Oh yes. (nods) Alright Stefen, we'll give you our one and only crate.

Lance (as Stevie is putting lid on crate): Oi, Steve, no!

Stevie: No? No what?

Lance: Dunno, I can't read my script in this dark box.

They haul the box up on a crane, and deposit it on Stefen's ship. Satisfied, he sails away, back to the lair of his boss.

Marian: Why did you do that?

DeMillzy (enigmatically): Ah, but Stefen McForjd is happy now he's got our cargo, and he's sailing back to the lair of Stainless Steel Beard!

Marian: So?

DeMillzy: He's so stupid he won't even notice us following him all the way there. Stevie, set sail after that ship!

Stevie: Aye aye, skippe ...

The post ends before Stevie can finished his line

Steven: Hang on a minute

Lord Mike (interrupted in the middle of detailing the Otter's Glory quest): What is it now?

Steven: Well before we had Lanc, then we just had Lance

His Lordship thinks about this for a minute

Lord Mike: Tell you what...

Back on the deck of the Otter's Glory Lanc drops down from the rigging

Lanc: Did I miss something?

Stevie: Nope, you hit the floor pretty much smack on

Lanc: Good

Lanc stands up

Lanc: Who was that chap that looked just like me that you put aboard Stefen's ship

Stevie: Lance, and you're not identical

DeMillzy: Indeed, their names are spealt differently for one thing

Suddenly they are all sent flying forwards as there is an almighty crash and the ship comes to an abrupt halt

Lookout: Land ahoy!

The HMS Otter's Glory is capsized on a small desert island, on which is one palm tree (if we can afford it). Stefen's boat is tied to the tree, but Stefen himself is nowehere to be seen.

Stevie (shouting up to Crow's Nesy): Thanks for warning us! (to DeMillzy) We pay him too much.

DeMillzy: Who, Lanc?

Stevie: No, the lookout. Who was he anyway? He doesn't look like one of the regulars.

DeMillzy: Wasn't he the extra who played the third lamp post on the right in the final scenes of "Albino Royale"?

Stevie (thinks for a moment): I think you're right. Mind you, he was a lot thinner back then.

Lanc: Er ... land ahoy chaps.

DeMillzy: Quite right. Lady Marian, you'll stay here while Steve and I go and look for Stainless Steel Beard's hideout!

Marian: But he stole something from me! Why can't I come?

DeMillzy: Because there's only enough room on the island for two people, and I'd rather not take Lanc with me.

Lanc: Why not?

DeMillzy: You're overweight. The island will sink if you step on it. It's only made out of fibreglass, you know.

Lanc: I'm NOT overweight!

McCow appears for no explainable reason.

McCow: Yes he is!

McCow vanishes for several explainable reasons, none of which we're going to tell you.

Lanc: Oh alright. (sulks)

DeMillzy and Stevie step down the gangplank, and away onto the small island.

Marian: Don't worry Lanc. Maybe while they're away we can have an adventure of our own.

Lanc (hopefully): Really?

Marian steps on Lance's foot.

Marian: Or perhaps not.

DeMillzy and Stevie scout around the perimeter of an island. Given its small nature this only takes a few seconds and - due to the lack of any suitable lamp posts - Stevie walks straight into the palm tree. Immediately a secret passage in the sand opens up.

Stevie: Um, I think I broke the island

DeMillzy: No you haven't

He clips Stevie around the head with one of his flitlock pistols.

DeMillzy: But you have found the secret entrance to Stainless Steel Beard's secret lair, concealed on this secret island

Stevie: Didn't he want people to know where it was then?

DeMillzy: Evidently not (Turns back to the ship) We're going to go in, if we're not back in five minutes say something to move the plot on a bit!

Lanc: Right ho

DeMillzy: Yes, that'll do (Turns back to Stevie) right then, down we go

Both men descend into the depths of the secret island's secret lair.

As they scour the many similarly looking corridors, something occurs to DeMillzy.

DeMillzy: Something has occured to me.

Stevie: Would it be anything to do with these multitude of corridors being underwater?

DeMillzy: Indeed it would. How did that fiend manage to hide all the corridors?

Stevie: He's got the scene shifter working for him.

DeMillzy: Oh.

They finally come upon a huge wooden door. So huge is it, in fact, that we could only afford to build part of it, and the rest is matted in later. DeMillzy examines the lock.

DeMillzy: It's a lock alright. No doubting it.

Stevie: Does that mean it needs a key?

DeMillzy: Yes.

Stevie: Do you have a key?

DeMillzy: Not for this lock I don't.

Stevie: What a shame. (short pause) I don't either, actually.

DeMillzy: I guessed as much.

Stevie: But wait! I do have this brown bottle I found in the sand up above on the island! It has a note in it!

DeMillzy: Maybe the note tells us where to find the key.

DeMillzy snatches bottle from Steve, who cries pitifully for a second then goes calm again. DeMillzy opens the note.

Stevie: Well? What does it say??

DeMillzy (sighs): "Hello, I am a note".

(Something obviously very interesting is about to happen underground with DeMillzy and Stevie the cook... But we don't care what it is, so we'll show you another scene instead.)

EXT. DECK OF OTTER'S GLORY

Lanc (tugging pitifully at his leg): Stop standing on my foot - please!

(Marian, who has been gazing abstractly off into the hole on the island, starts.)

Marian: Eh? Oh, am I on your foot?

Lanc (nods sadly): Yes.

(Marian takes her foot off his.)

Marian: Sorry, I guess I wasn't paying attention.

Lanc: You were standing on it since two posts ago.

Marian (enigmatically): I think it was three, Lance...

Lanc: Actually, it's "Lanc" in this story.

Marian (curiously): Is it? What for?

Lanc (shrugs): It "wasn't explored" or something.

Marian: Oh well, that's not imporatant now.

Lanc: It isn't???

Marian (sternly): No, it isn't, Lanc! What-

Lanc: Well then, what is? Something must be important...

Marian (rolls her eyes): Lance, will you stop interrupting me, please! What is-

Lanc: It's Lanc. Not Lance.

Marian: All right! (deep breath) What is important, is this: How do you talk in those double-quote-thingies? So there!

(At which point, the over-zealous scene-shifter decides to fade to black.)

Scene-shifter: Which may be just as well, the way that scene was heading....

(Quiet!)

(Now, wasn't that all fascinatingly plot-furthering, kiddies?)

Child Audience: No!

(Oh well...)

(Meanwhile, Simon Bufanda is haffing a little talk with Nibbles the parrot.)

Simon: So, you are disturned by the fact the you haff always believed yourself to be an otter, but now find that you are a parrot? You feel you haff lost your identity?

(Nibbles merely nods, not knowing if parrots say 'Eep'.)

Simon: Well, the way I see it, is this: It is only in this story that you have changed your identity. In fact, many of the other characters haff changed their identities as well. It is nothing to be ashamed of. This is my advice: Wait for the next story, and if things are not better then, we'll both get another scene out of it anyhow.

(They shake hands and walk out, satisfied that they've both been in two scenes now, instead of just one.)

While Lanc, Marian, Simon and the Parrot manage to not further the plot (although they did manage to carry out DeMillzy's orders from earlier) DeMillzy and Stevie had found a clue.

Stevie: Colonel Mustard in the Drawing room.

DeMillzy: What?

Stevie (sighs): Oh nothing.

DeMillzy: Good, now do stop interupting me. I've found a clue!

Stevie: Has it anything to do with a key?

DeMillzy: Indeed it does, me heartie!

Stevie: What?

DeMillzy (pause): Oh, just getting into the spirit of the thing. This note ... it has some attatched to it.

Stevie: What?

DeMillzy: I'll give you three guesses.

Stevie: Is it a bottle?

DeMillzy: No.

Stevie: Is it a small potted plant named Harold?

DeMillzy: Nope. I'm tired of this game. It's a key.

Stevie: That was my third guess.

DeMillzy: I'm sure it was. Now let'd put it in the lock and open this door.

They do so. They enter a large room, filled with coins. There is a single curtain on the far wall, beneath which we can see two peglegs and two feet. Although DeMillzy and Stevie don't notice them, so busy are they looking at all the money.

DeMillzy: This room ... it's huge!

Stevie: And full of coins! Glitering coins, cash, spendola! It must be Stainless Steel Beards secret treasure stash.

DeMillzy: Why do I feel a dramatic entrance coming up?

Stevie: Was it the soup? Cause if it was ...

Suddenly a large pirate type wearing two eyepatches, with two hooks and with two peglegs moves from behind the solitary curtain. And behind him, Stefen McFjord trips over a chest of drawers.

DeMillzy: It's ...

Stevie: A rat!

Stainless Steel Beard: Nah me ol' bootleggers, tis only me, yer arch nemesis fer this 'ere story. Arrr! And all that.

Ext. Otter's Glory

Lanc and Marian are still not furthering the plot, but little do they know that massive plot development is plowing towards them!

Lanc: Oh look A snow plow!

Marian turns to look at what Lanc has incorrectly identified as a snow plow!

Marian: That's not a snow plow!!!!

Lanc: Then what is it, Hmmmm?

Suddenly a hatch opens revealing Simon Buffanda with a cup of soothing Swiss Miss and a plate of cheesecake.

Lanc: What are doing here?

Simon: I see that you'ff found your inquizitiffness like had suggested, but more to the point I'ff come to do this! Holy Caribbean Adventure, it's the ship of Stainless-Steel Beard!

Marian: That's impossible! We've been paying very close attention to the other scenes and Stainless-Steel Beard is in the caves!

Simon: Stainless-Steel Beard may be in the caffes but his second in command Mr. Wildenly is on board that, yes Lanc!

Lanc: I suddenly have this feeling of being side tracked and deserted; what should I do?

Simon: Well, I would suggest that you mingle at more parties increase the number of friendsip bonds that you haff and so on and so forth and then I'd suggest you get rid of that dolly that you're carrying; it's only ecsstra baggage you know.

Lanc: But Marie and me are so close!

Mr. Widenly steps on the deck of the HMS Otter's Glory.

Lanc: Hello, I suppose you'd like some tea?

Mr. Wildenly: (off guard) Umm, I suppose.

Simon: Well, I'm going to return to the hold; I told Nibbles I'd help him swab the poop deck.

Marian: Don't forget to wipe!

Simon: That was a totally, but unfortunately expected, uncalled for pun!

Mr. Wildenly: I'm sorry to say that I have to abduct you to provide a suitable lure for Mr. DeMillzy.

Marian: You sure sound well educated.

Mr. Wildenly: (Dappling his face with a napkin) I was educated at Oxford and am on my internship for my doctorate in pirating!

Marian: Ahh,

(Marian and LAnc are led off at gun point by Mr. Wildenly)

Meanwhile on a stage not to far away...

INT. STAINLESS STEEL CAVE

(Stainless Steel Beard stumbles around for a bit as he has no eyes with which to see his way. Lindsmee, his guide, leads him in the direction of DeMillzy and Stevie)

Stainless Steel Beard: Ah har! Be that that landlubbing Captain DeMillzy?

DeMillzy (adopting a high Scots-accent) Noo, its Lindsmee, DeMillzy is the one horldin on to yurgh shoolder

Stainless Steel Beard: Ah har! In that case, take that yer landlubber!

(He spins and sweeps at Lindsmee with one of his hooks)

Lindsmee: No boss, it's me, stop stop!

Stainless Steel Beard: Lindsmee, what are y' doing over therrre?

DeMillzy (Lindmsee accent): Noo, I'm over there, yoo werre swipin in the reet direction befurgh

Stevie: Have you ever thought how great it would be, to be a bottle of ink?

(DeMillzy looks at him oddly.)

DeMillzy: What, and have someone dipping a pen in my all the time?

Stevie (dissapointed): Oh... that side of it never occured to me really.

DeMillzy: What side had?

Stevie: Just the parties really...

SSB: Ah-ha, I have you now, me hearties... no, not me hearties... me anti-hearties!

DeMillzy (Lindsmee accent): Watch out, your beardness, that nasty, but strangley handsome DeMillzy is tricking you again. The real DeMillzy is still holding on to you arm...

SSB (voice over): Hmm... why would Lindsmee call DeMillzy "handsome"... unless... good grief, I have a pansy as a guide... so that would explain why he's always talking about women's underwear!

SSB: I'll have none of your type here, you big jessie!

DeMillzy: I can assure you, I don't paddle my boat in that direct-

(Stainless Steel Beard whacks out and floors DeMillzy)

Stevie: Oops...

SSB: Ah-ha, another of them!

Stevie: Oh, no... I'm just a rock, that's sitting here... um... what noise do rocks make...

(Stainless Steel Beard shoots out a fist, and shortly, Stevie is lying on the floor too).

SSB: Ah-ha. Timber me shivers! Time for a cliffhanger, me thinks.

(pause)

(Stainless Steel Bears hums a little tune to himself, until the post ends...)

SSB: (singing quietly) Ohhhhh, Does eat oats and goats eat oats and little lambs eat ivy, diddly doddly doo wouldn't you?

Mr. Wildenly: Umm, not really.

SSB: Who bees thar!? Freend or Foer?

Mr. Wildenly: It's me, Wildenly, your intern.

SSB: (embarrasedly) Err, not now! We harve prisnars!

Mr. Wildenly: (shaking his head) No, I've brought the others from the Otter's Glory, like you asked!

SSB: Arrr, I see, or would if I didn't harve these blarsted eyepartches on me eyes!

Marian and Lanc are attempting to move the plot along in their little part of the scene, but are resoundedly stopped due to the camera shifting back to SSB and Wildenly. Lanc, who didn't seem to understand he wasn't meant to be in scene walks up to SSB.

Lanc: Err, Marian and I were wondering why you have a rather large kidney pie on your shoulder?

SSB: Whart are you tarlkin' about! It's a parrot, you land lovin' land lover!

Lanc: Are you sure it's not apork pie, only because it looks like a rather large pork pie, and well Stevie is a bit obcessive about his jelly babies. In other words I'm a bit famished!

SSB: (deeply incensed because he has a potpurri bag hung around his neck) Yer goin' ter eat me parrot! Yer a scrundrel! ARrrr!

LAnc: That's a no to the eating of the pork pie then!

SSB: Lindsmee! Scuttle 'is farce!

Lindsmee: Aye, Aye Cap'n!

Marian: Stop!

SSB: Who be this then, me 'earty!

Marian: It is I, Marian von Wer, and I wish to avenge my father!

SSB: Yer Fautter twas a twit with er cap'ol 'T'! Hardy HAr Har!!

Marian: THat may be so but my sister was a right good gal!

DeMillzy: (awoken by the fair maiden speaking) Stainless-Steel Beard Your pirating days are over!

SSB: Nert quite!

SSB and his chronies fled to his ship, the SS Rodentia, and take Simon Buffanda with them.

DeMillzy: Should we go after him?

Stevie: (Who was awaken by the escape of a villain) I don't think so; I mean he wasn't a real good shrink was he!

Marian: It doesn't matter as long as SSB has the Silver Salt Shaker of Unst he is a great danger to the entire world!!!

The people present look at her, two stupidly and one intrigued. It's up to you to decide who look at whom how? Now if you understood that you'll understand the rest of that post, err, maybe!

DeMillzy takes off his tricorner hat and runs a hand through his hair - which is longer and with more ringlets and in fact more seacpatain-like than that of his alter ego Lord Mike.

DeMillzy: Alright, we'll go after them

They all rush out of the doors. A few minutes later Stefen McFjord and his crew enter, carrying a crate.

Stefen: Hello! We are home now, yes?

There is no answer. Stefen checks behind all the piles ofgold and behind the curtain.

Crewman: Any sign of them boss?

Stefen: No... odd, yes?

Crewman: What shall I do with the crate?

Stefen: Open it up, we can add the treasure to the other piles

The Crewman puts the crate on the ground, grabs a crowbar from somehwere and prises it open. Lance bursts out

Lance: At last! Stevie, what the hell did you think you were (spies Stefen) you're not Stevie (spies the crewman) and you're not the captain (spies another crewman) and you're not Lady Marian (spies another crewman) and you're not-

Stefen whacks Lance over the head with a goblet

As Lance slumps to the ground, Stefan paused.

Stefan: Wait a minute, yes?

Crewman: Why do you keep saying yes?

Stefan: I don't yes... um, know...

Crewman: I see...

Stefan: Anyway, this isn't Lance at all!

Crewman: It isn't?

Lance: It's isn't?

Stefan: No, yes? Look, it's just a mask!

(He bends down and pulls away the mask to reveal... a pot of yoghurt underneath.)

Stefan: Oh, well, that was a shock.

Crewman: Do you think there was a purpose for this post?

Stefan (narrows eyes): No, yes?

Whilst all of that was going on the Otter's Glory and the Rodentia are caught in a thrilling chase. Aboard the Rodentia SSB was yelling at his men to go quicker. Aboard the Otter's Glory DeMillzy was yelling at his men to go quicker.

DeMillzy: Go quicker!

Stevie: I'm pushing her as hard as I can, but the sails cannee take it cap'n

DeMillzy: In that case, stop pushing it and set the sails!

Stevie: Aye sir

DeMillzy: Oh and Ford

Stevie: Aye sir?

DeMillzy: Get rid of that stupid Scottish accent

Stevie: Aye sir

Lady Marian: Oh dear, I do hope we catch up with them soon or we shall never get the Salt Shaker of Unst back!

DeMillzy: Never fear good Lady Marian, the best crew on the seven seas are on the case!

Lady Marian: What? You mean the Hurricane and the crew of the good ship Ebook are around here?

DeMillzy: What? That lot of useless idiots, no busy fighting the evil Twenty-Four Carrott Fish

Lanc: I quite liked their cook meself

DeMillzy: What Jane May?

Lanc: Aye sir

DeMillzy whacks Lanc over the head with the slop bucket