h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(Continuing from Terror of the Mods and in no way affiliated with Masters of the Universe...though I do look a little like Skeletor)

EXT:CASTLE RAESKULL. THUNDER AND LIGHTNING CLASH OVERHEAD. THE LAND IS IN DARKNESS...PARTLY BECAUSE IT IS NIGHT...

INT:CASTLE RAESKULL-THRONE ROOM.

(Queen Pamela and King Linsday sit in their respective thrones)

King Linsday: Looks like rain...

Queen Pamela: Your attempts at conversation are getting worse.

King Linsday: Why do you say that?

Queen Pamela: Becuase it isnt raining...

King Linsday: Oh...

(Suddenly the doors are thrown open and hundreds of evil looking guys in black armour storm the throne room. They hold the King and Queen at gun point)

Queen Pamela: Oh no...not again, what have I told you about inviting your friends round?

(she looks round and notices that Linsday has vanished)

Queen Pamela: Typical...

(The ranks of Evil solider guys seperate to reveal Emperor Martin and Count Richard)

Queen Pamela: Good lord! Its you two!

Count Richard: Correct, us two! using our moderation button, we have been able to moderate the entire world!

Emperor Martin: Muahaahaha!

(Emperor Martin unleashes a beam of energy on the Queen, which freezes her in ice)

Count Richard: Nice trick.

Emperor Martin: Well we had a bigger budget.

(Emperor Martin and Count Richard sit in the two thrones)

Emperor Martin: shall we talk to the people?

Count Richard: Why not!

(Emperor Martin presses a button)

EXT:OUTSIDE A HUGE HOLOGRAM OF EMPEROR MARTIN AND COUNT RICHARD APPEARS TO THE FRIGHTENED CITIZENS)

Emperor Martin: People of the boards, our forces have seized control of Castle Raeskull, and the Queen is our prisoner. Let this be our first decree! Those who do not pledge themselves to us, shall be destroyed! The new age Begins!

(Lord Mike and Lady Marian stand outside the cafe in the city below Castle RaeSkull. They watch the giant hologram above them)

Lord Mike: You have to admit, it's impressive

Lady Marian: I suppose so, should we defeat them?

Lord Mike: Why not? It's what we usually decide to do in one of the early posts

Lady Marian: What about Sir Lance and Steven? Shouldn't we wait for them to return with the ice creams?

Lord Mike: When the world's at risk ice cream has to wait I'm afraid. To the Mills-Mobile!

(Together they run across the pavement and climb into the Mills-Mobile. His Lordship turns the key in the ignition and the car roars off. Sir Lance and Steven appear in the doorway of the cafe just as the hologram shuts down and the Mills-Mobile disappears around the corner)

Steven: Where have those two gone?

Sir Lance (in between licking at the ice cream in his right hand): Dunno, it's not as if the world's in danger is it?

Steven: Don't you think you should have had a cone for that ice cream?

(Sir Lance looks dispondently at the melted gloop in his hand)

Sir Lance: Probably

(King Lindsay skids to a halt behind them, puffing and panting)

Steven: Lindsay? Isn't it past your bedtime?

Lindsay: Why do people keep saying that?

Steven shrugs.

Lance: P-Please... help me eat this ice cream... my hands... frost bite...

Lindsay: What's wrong with him.

Steven: Ice cream bite... actually, I'll leave that line a place holder, and we'll think of a witty one liner and come back in put it there later, okay?

Lindsay (not understanding a word): Okay... By the way, Emperor Martin took over the board a few minutes ago.

Steven: Oh... who's Emperor Martin?

Lindsay: I'm going to go and see if there's a wall I can bang my head against now...

EXT. ROAD

(The Mills-mobile skidded around the corner for no better reason than that it was a corner that needed to be turned. Inside Lord Mike and Lady Marian were listening to Radio 2 whilst discussing their plans to defeat Emperor Martin and Count Richard)

INT. MILLS-MOBILE

Lord Mike: So, how are we going to get in?

Lady Marian: Oh can't you stop thinking about sex for five minutes?

Lord Mike: Sorry, so how are we going to gain entrance to the Castle?

Lady Marian: I expect the doors will be heavily guarded, so they're out of question

Lord Mike: True... We could try the chimney

Lady Marian: Which one? There's hundreds of them!

Lord Mike: Good point

Lady Marian: The back passage?

Lord Mike: Do you want to risk going through Cook McCow's McCandy Kitchen? I don't

Lady Marian: What about that big entrance marked "Secret Entrance that isn't guarded at all"?

Lord Mike: Bravo Lady Marian, have a gold star

Lady Marian: Thank you M'lord

(She curtsies, how she does this sitting down is anyone's guess)

INT. CASTLE.

(A series of guards drag a heavy, complicated looking machine into the room and immediately the Count desecends the throne to examine the machine.)

Count: At last my doomsday plan comes to fruition.

Martin: What was that about fruit salads?

(The Count eyes him awkwardly before advancing around to the controls.)

Count: My doomsday, my moment of glory! At last I can break free from the chains of pantomime acting and gain the best special guest cup award.

Martin: Look I'd hate to say this but you're not acting rifght. No spontaneous goonful laughter or corny jokes or.... well yourself.

Count: Precisely. I've had too much bad acting in my life time and here I finally have my means of controlling my destiny!
No longer am I comic relief, I'm the cold biting force of evil my erstwhile ally.

Martin: Erstwhile? But I don't understand you? What is that machine of yours?

Count: This is my Canon accelerator, during the Board Wars I was hit with this weapon and my realisation of everything became greatly apparent. I am no longer a stock comedy villain about to be undone but a comic flying vegetable.

Martin: But what of our great plan? Ruling together over the Boards?

Count: Ah, now that is entirely unwanted. I am the only truly successful villain and now this weapon will annihilate free will- The Moderiser is now complete.

Martin: I thought you called it a Canon break or something?

Count: No, this Moderising Canon accelerator will turn everyone bar myself into blind, obedient creatures serving me forever!

(Martin descends his throne and crosses over to Richard- furious, angry, growling.)

Martin: Now look here, this was my plan!

Count: Then you will be an exception, guards! Take this erstwhile leader to the dungeon and light the central fireplace too in case we receive unexpected visitors!

Figures: Yes Sir.

Martin: Hey get your hands off me, this isn;'t real. Not one good joke, not one!

(The figures drag Martin kicking and screaming away.)

Count: Now to business, I imagine that Lord Mike and Lady Marian will naturally pentrate the castle using the clearly marked Secret entrance, a good thing I detoured it into a circle, that will keep those two busy!

(He activates the machine that unfolds outwards)

VOICE: Moderising protocol initiated. Please key in specified target for Moderising process?

Count: Hmmm? How about General? Get some order going over there?

(He types in the co-ordinates.)

VOICE: Target co-ordinates locked. Time to intiation two minutes and counting...

Count: This may be thirsty work, have the cook bring me up some of his cocoa, I have heard it to be world famous.

Nameless Guard: Are you sure boss?

Count: Of course I am now carry out my orders!

(The guard bows and leaves)

VOICE: Time to initiation one and a half minutes...

(The guard reappears)

Nameless Guard: Cook McCow will bring you your cocoa immediately!

(Cook McCow appears, carrying a cup of his steaming cocoa on a tray before him)

Cook McCow: Here is your cocoa, Count Richie

Count: It's Count Richard to you!

Cook McCow: Fine Count Richard to you, I'll be off then

VOICE: Time to initiation one minute...

(Count Richard takes a gulp of the cocoa. Immediately his eyes swirl around in rainbows colours, his hair stands on end and he begins to bounce around the throne room, the cocoa spilling into the workings of the machine)

VOICE: Damaga, damage! Activating shuuuuuuuttttttttdooooowwwwnnnn...
(The machine fizzles and is silent, meanwhile Count Richard continues to bounce around the throne room, laughing giddily)

Count: Woopee, woopoo woopee!! Changalangachangchang boo!

Nameless Guard: Should we try and stop him?

Cook McCow: Nah, the effects tend to wear off after a few hours

Lady Marian: Haven't we been done this coridor before?

Lord Mike: That reminds me of a certain line from Albino Royale you know. It was rather amusing, but we were in this taxi, you see, and Steven suddenly said, "is it me, or does this taxi look like the inside of a tube of toothpaste."

Marian stares at him oddly.

Marian: I see.

Lord Mike: Yes.

Embarrasing silence.

Marian: You know, I'm quite sure, that this passage is actually like a donut.

Mike: You mean it's round with jam in the middle, and sometimes has a hole through the centre?

Marian: Um... no, a baggel then.

Mike: You mean it gets thicker towards the middle, before reaching a maximum height and then decreasing in height towards the middle.

Marian: You know way too much about donuts.

Mike: Steven taught me that.

Marian: More to the point, this passage is going round in circles!

Mike: Holy Hobnobs, you're right. And there was me thinking it was just us inside it that were going round in circles.

As they talk, the camera pans out to show that the passage is actually rotating round in circles - like some sort of giant spining wheel.

EPISODE 2

(Meanwhile, Lance, Steven and Lindsay are sitll talking)

Lance: And then he said, "I don't really think a hat is the best thing to use for that."

(Bursts out laughing.)

(Steven and Lindsay look on.)

Lance: I guess you had to be there. Hey come to think of it, Steve, you were there.

Steven: Oh yes, so I was...

(Pause.)

Lindsay: Well, it was nice talking to you two, but anyway, I've got to go and hide in a bush now.

Lance: Do you think the bush will like that?

(Pause.)

Lindsay: Um... anyway, bye.

(They watch him walk off.)

Steven: Do you think we should go and find Mike and Marian now?

Lance: Do you think they're in the ice cream shop?

Steven: I think it's very likely.

(They return to the ice cream shop)

(Meanwhile Mike and Marian escape the rotating corridor, by using the fact that both of their names begin with the same letter, and also Mike's cane, with it's "anti-rotating corridor" attachement)

Marian: Well, what now?

Nameless guard: Um, excuse me, this is my first day here, I don't suppose you could point me in the way of Count Dick's secret hideout.

Mike: I think you'll find he's called Count Richard.

Namless guard: That's funny, someone else said he liked being called Dickie Bird.

Marian: I very much doubt that.

Nameless guard: ...and Dickie Baby, and little Richie, and Richie Bos...

Mike: I think they were joking.

Nameless guard: Oh...

Mike: So, anyway, what's your name then?

Nameless guard: Um... quick look over there!

(they turn round and he runs off)

Mike: (turning back) damn those guys with bit parts...

(Steven and Lance have returned to the Ice Cream Parlour, where they hope to find Mike and Marian)

Steven: What are you telling us this for? It was in the last post.

(I'm just making sure people know there's a scene change here, that's all!)

Steven: Well, why are you calling it an "Ice Cream Parlour"? We said very specifically that it was an "Ice Cream Shop".

(Look mate, I'm just paid to keep the readers informed, okay? Don't hassle me!)

Steven: Alright, alright!

Lance: Er ... scene?

Steven: Oh yes. What do you say Steven, are they in here or not?

Lance (whispers): That's my line, not yours.

Steven: Oh ... right.

---

(As Lance and Steven muddle through scene, we cut back to a secret lab.)

Count Richard: Ha ha! Now, there will be nothing that can stop me!

(He looks defiantly up at the frozen Queen P, who is on a stage above him. He grins menacingly.)

Count Richard: Yes, Queen Pamela. And not even your trained monkey Lord Mills will be able to stop me!

---

(Elsewhere, Lord Mike and Lady Marian have found their way back out onto the lawn, where they realise they've been going around in circles for at least half an hour.)

Marian: There has to be another way into this fortress!

Mike: Actually, my dear, it's not so much a fortress as an old, abandoned, converted milk factory.

Marian (squints): So it is! So how do we find a way in?

Mike (enigmatically): Simple! Do you remember the Pantomime Cow costume from "SPOILA!"?

Marian (thinks): Er ... no actually.

Mike: Ah. It must have been in one of the unfilmed sequences. Anyway, I just happen to have it here, in a secret panel in my cane!

(He presses a button and the panel opens, revealing the Panto Cow costume)

Mike: Right, will you go in front or will I?

Marian (rolls eyes) You will.

Mike: Must I? Oh alright then.

(They get into the cow costume.)

Richard: Pah! This coffee is horrible!

{He chucks the cup aside before staring down the cook.}

Cook McCow: Wow, you really are a supervillain that can shrink people by staring at them!

Richard: Stop stating the obvious, now bring me some hot chocolate! NOW!

VOICE: General Board Moderisation completed, congratulations Master, the General Board is now under your control.

Richard: Thank you and now target Audio board... will anyone ever notice if they start talking about me being the Master? Probably not, no one will ever find out.

Cook McCow: I'll go to get yoyu chocolate then.

Richard: Have you got a lisp or something?

Cook McCow: Now, it's just the way I walk.

BOOM BOOM!

Richard: Blasted target practise! Shooting at those blasted doves that congregate in the air, coming two at a time. I want some milk with my hot chocolate!

Cook McCow: Milk?

Richard: Where do I get these fools from? Ox-fam? Look, just go down to the old dairy level and fetch some milk for my chocolate, can I at least enjoy my evil plan without some diabolical nuisance like intruders inside the walls and no milk in my chocolate?

Cook McCow: Yes Sir I'll get right on it.

Richard: Yes and get my milk while you're at it!

(He dials in some controls.)

VOICE: Target confirmed for Moderisation: Audio Forum, initiation in one minute.

Richard: Ten seconds.

VOICE: Correction, one minute, ten seconds.

Richard: No, just select each board and fire off every ten seconds and therefore we remove the need that those fools will get here in time and stop me!

VOICE: Yes Master. Ten seconds, nine seconds...

Richard: The help I get is pointless, now where is that idiot with my milk?

(Beneath the castle in the old Milk factory Mike and Marian stand still)

Marian: Why aren't we moving?

Mike: I'm trying to blend in.

Marian: What with? This is a factory floor.

Mike: Well every time I see a cow they're always standing still, they never move. Perhaps we should follow their example?

Marian: Give me strength?

Mike: I believe you have otherwise you'd never have got inside this costume,ssh someone's coming thisd way.

(Enter a yokel)

Yokel: All right Daisy, come here.

Marian: What do we do now?

Mike: Well I'm going to try and moo- MOO.

Yokel: Come on Daisy, I've got to milk you now for his Mastership upstairs.

Marian: Oh no, trouble!

Mike: Hang on I think I've got that right? MOO.

(Another call answers him)

Yokel: Oh, Brutus sounds interested, better let the bull out.

Marian: That's it, I've had enough of this!

Mike: Hey, what are you doing?

(The Costume warps before resuming its place.)

Mike: Hey, what gives?

Marian: Now you're at the back and I can do some thinking?

Yokel: It's all right Brutus, I'm sure Daisy's milking can wait?

Mike: Oh dear, not to worry I shall try my Mongolian Bear cry to frighten it off. Ruuuoooorrrrr!

{The Bull becomes more anxious)

Lord Mike: I think the bull may have become more anxious...

Lady Marian: You dont say?

(Two guards escorting Emperor Martin walk past)

Lord Mike: Oh look...

Lady Marian: What?

Emperor Martin: Ah there you are!

Guard: Hey no talking!

Emperor Martin: But your talking now...

Guard: Good Lord your right!

Emperor Martin: I suggest you leave.

Guard #2: now hang on-

Emperor Martin: On your way!

(the two guards shrug and walk away)

Lord Mike: Cunning.

Emperor Martin: I thank you.

(Emperor Martin turns to face the bull, which is by now considerabely angry, he blasts it apart with an energy beam from his fingers)

Lord Mike: How DOES he do that!

Emperor Martin: No time for that now, I need your help.

Lord Mike: I'm listening, so is she(he points to Lady Marian, who is staring at her feet)

Emperor Martin: Um..she doesnt look like she's-

Lord Mike: Anyway go on...

Emperor Martin: You want to stop Richard? well so do I. He has gone too far this time, crossing the boundries of cartoonish super villainy into mad every day villainy!

Lord Mike: And thats bad?

Emperor Martin: Very.

Lord Mike: Then we have no time to lose! to the throne room!

(Inside the cow costume, Lady Marian got a tolerably brilliant idea as to how to end this ridiculous farce.)

Lady Marian: I think I've an idea how to end this ridiculous farce!

(Sticking her parasol(TM) out of the costume's mouth, she activates the flame-thrower attachment. The result of this is that the Yokel, the Bull, and any other annoying people around run away in terror, under the impression that this is a Fierce Fire-Breathing Cow.)

Lord Mike: Tolerably brilliant.

(Lady Marian curtseys.)

Lady Marian: Now where were we, plot-wise?

Lord Mike: What has 'wise' got to do with this plot?

Lady Marian (sighs): Nothing, of course! What has it ever got to do with any of our plots?

Lord Mike: Ah, quite. Indeed.

Lady Marian: What I meant was, What ought we to do next without falling afowl of continuity? I rather lost track somewhere back there...

Lord Mike: When we were in a cow costume?

Lady Marian: No. No, before that...

Lord Mike: When we were wandering aimlessly around in circles?

Lady Marian (shakes her head): No, earlier.

Lord Mike: Ah! When we were sitting outside the cafe?

Lady Marian: Yes! That's what I didn't understand! Could you explain all this nonsense that's been happening to me, Lord Mike?

Lord Mike (waves his cane vaguely): It doesn't matter.

Lady Marian: The plot doesn't matter?!

Lord Mike: Of course not! When has it ever?

Lady Marian: Hm. So what do we do now?

Lord Mike: That doesn't really matter either. But we'll just wait for a plot device, I suppose. That's the usual mode of action.

(Lady Marian rolls her eyes and follows Lord Mike as he walks off in a completely random direction.)

(Because I am stuck with the low-paying and more or less thankless job of Narrator while the other Cast hog all the glory, it is now my job to set up a convenient plot device.)

(Thusly: )

INT. PALACE

(Count Richard, embarrassed by the effects of Cook McCow's cocoa, has ordered it to be thrown out. Some no-account bloke who I, the Narrator have created merely to act as a means to accomplish a plot-device, carries out the Count's order.)

Bloke (looking at cup): Any good i' this, then? (sniffs) Nah! Out y'go then!

(He tosses it towards the window, where, instead of flying out and landing in the lawn, as the Bloke intended, it smashes on the sill, and drips down the wall.)

EXT. PALACE LAWN

(Lord Mike and Lady Marian are still wandering, Her Ladyship becoming obviously tired of all this.)

Lady Marian: Oh, look! The Narrator's come back!

Lord Mike: Splendid! Where've you been?

(Creating a plot device for you! Ingrate!)

(He stalks off.)

Lady Marian: No you didn't, or you wouldn't have been able to say it.

(But as the Narrator was no longer here, no one answered her impertinent comment!)

Lady Marian (sniffs): Impertinent, indeed!

(Seeing the cocoa eating into the outside wall and creating hand- and foot-holds, Lord Mike begins to climb...)

EXT. ICE CREAM STORE/PARLOUR

(General Ford and Lance stand outside the Ice Cream Store/Parlour for no discernible reason. Maybe it's because they're just stupid.)

General Ford: Narrator's out of sorts today isn't he?

Sir Lance: Perhaps he'd like some tea?

General Ford: Or a jelly baby?

(The Narrator is reduced to tears at such kindness. Waa-haaaaa!)

Sir Lance: There, there! No need to cry, it's all right.

General Ford: Yes, we didn't mean to be especially nice, don't worry.

(Sir Lance lends the Narrator his hankey.)

(At which point, Emperor Martin suddenly appears in a puff of multi-coloured smoke.)

Emperor Martin: Muahahahahaaa! None can stand against me! Muahahah- Hey, what's this place?

(General Ford, Sir Lance and the Narrator all answer simultaneously.)

General Ford: And Ice Cream Shop.

Sir Lance: An Ice Cream Parlour.

(An EXT. set.)

Emperor Martin: Drat, then I'll have to get back to the palace somehow... What a waste of a perfectly good entrance!

(HOOOOOOOOOOONNNK!!)

Emperor Martin (starts): What was that?

Sir Lance: Probably the Narrator blowing his nose.

General Ford: He was blubbing.

(Harrumph!)

Emperor Martin: Oh, I see.

Sir Lance (noticing something): Oh look over there! What on Earth...?!

(Then, just as something could have been about to happen, the Narrator arbitrarily decided to change the scene.)

INT. SOME PLACE INSIDE A BUILDING

(The Royal Cook McCow thinks of the dinner he plans for the Count Richard.)

McCow: Haha, oh, Dicky-Boy, what I've got in store for you..!

(He rubs his hands together gleefully, and sets about work.)

(HOOOONK!)

McCow: Have a cold do you?

Lord Mike: The way the Narrator's managed to confuse the sequence of events is simply astounding!

Lady Marian: Yes, he's taken bits of where we were in the cow costume, and bits from later on, and put them all in different places.

(Ingrates. I didn't like it the way it was, that's all.)

Lord Mike: Yes, and he didn't even include the bits where we decided not to climb the wall and Emperor Martin disappeared from the Ice Cream Shop.

(I didn't like those bits.)

Lady Marian: You're not a very good Narrator. It's none of your business whether you like any of this or not.

Emperor Martin: I was right, she wasn't listening.

(Lady Marian glares at him.)

Lord Mike: I think the Narrator ought to be chastised, don't you Lady Marian?

Lady Marian: Oh yes.

Emperor Martin: I thought you said you were paying attention.

Lord Mike (realising he's there): Ah, yes, do go on. I'm all atention, I assure you.

Emperor Martin: Alright, then!

(The Count stands triumphant before the humming machine.)

Count: Report your progress.

Voice: Forgive me master but shouldn't that be your progress? It is after all your Master plan?

Count: Cut your chatter you stupid computer and work!

Voice: Hey, I'm just a voice over here.

Count: No, you're a voice over for the machine- you are a computer.

Voice: That's news to me Count. Anyway full Board moderisation in two minutes time.

Count: Thank you, now Emperor Martin will have escaped and done an episode four Delgado with Lord Mike and Lady Marian. Therefore they are too late!

Sir Lance: That's where you're wrong!

The Count turns to see Lance and Steven standing there on the carpet before him.

Count: A counter attack by the comic relief? Unexpected.

Steven: I refuse to accept that- I am not comic, that's Lance's department. I'm the relief from long Mike speeches.

Sir Lance: That's Lord Mike not long Mike.

Count: I see what you mean and how can you stop me?

Sir Lance: With Nibbles, sick him!

Steven: No, Lance I think he's still at the ice cream sketch?

Sir Lance: Why didn't you tell me?

Steven: Never asked, assumed it was part of your act.

Count: Excuse me, could you two move a bit to the left?

Sir Lance: Why? Do you plan to zap us with your ray and then drop a cage over us?

Count: No instead I press this button.

(A cage drops over them and device fires)

Count: And I do exactly the opposite of what you suggested.

Steven: We serve the Master, he is our... Master?

Sir Lance: The Master is our Master, Quack!

Count: Excellent! Now, where are the perilous pathetic fools, they should emerge down those steps in precisely the next post. You two will be my bait!

(The doors to the throne room burst open revealing Lord Mike, Lady Marian and Emperor Martin all standing with their arms folded)

Count Richard: Well well! We meet again!

Emperor Martin: Apparently so, I see you havent lost all your comic book villainy yet you madman!

Count Richard: Madman! thats rich coming from you!

Emperor Martin: (Considers) Oh I suppose it is...

Lord Mike: Enough of this madness!

Lady marian: I'm getting fed up of the use of the word madness!

Count Richard: Destroy them!

(Hundreds of Guards storm into the throne room, while Lord Mike manages to fight them off single handed, Emperor Martin uses this as an oppurtunity to get to the control consoles...which have recently appeared for the stories sake)

Lady Marian: What you doing? (Flutters eye lids)

Emperor Martin: Dont flutter your eye lids at me woman! as intriguied as I am with the recent plot development...anyway, I am attempting to re ruit the power and destroy this wretched device!

Lady Marian: You honestly believe that will work?

Emperor Martin: Well no frankly, but it sounded good, so I intend to do it anyway!

Lord Mike: I shall stop you once and for all!

Count: I think the 'Mods' are against you!

Lady Marian: That's it, you are sick! A comic panto villain if ever I saw it?

Emperor Martin: Why thank you very much Lady Marian but before I am Emperor I will stop this maddening madman before he stops us!

Lord Mike fights many extras throwing them around his head and hurls his cane into the machine!

Lord Mike: What I would say- a hole in one, bullseye!

The machine explodes suddenly but instead as the smoke clears they is.... no sign of the Count!

Count: This way, to the side.

They look to see the Count, laser gun raised at them.

Suddenly a shoe flies through the air and knocks the gun from Richard's hand.

Lord Mike wrestles Richard to the ground.

Lord Mike: You want dominion over the living yet all you do is...

Lady Marian: Please? Cut these stupid movie one liners and bad acting and just open the door and throw him out!

Lord Mike: Yes, why not? I have defeated you Count, now get off my boards!

Count: No I won't.

Lord Mike: Oh, please?

Lady Marian: What do you mean no? We've saved the day and you're finished. Cut this act now.

Count: I did. You just destroyed your hope for survival, Steven, Lance take them.

Lord Mike: Take us where? I'm tired and hungry and am in no mood to go tourist walking.

{Instead Lance and Steven grab them both in vice-like grips.}

Sir Lance: We must obey our Master, Quack!

Lord Mike: I say these grips of their feel like vices?

Lady: Thanks for stating obvious.

Count: You are too late, I have moderised the whole Boards, these friends of yours obey me completely and the only hope you had to free the Boards was with that machine that you blew to smithereens!

Emperor Martin: Oh dear, excuse me while I go and hide somewhere- probably the ice cream parlour?

{Emperor Martin vanishes in a puff of smoke}

Count: Wow! I've actually got a cliff-hanger to myself, all hope has fallen and I am the Master of the boards. Say it!

People: It.

Count: Repeat- Master of the Boards!

People: Master of the Boards! Master of the Boards! Master of the Boards! Master of the Boards! Master of the Boards! Master of the Boards!

Lord Mike: Villains, they always have to have the last line.

Count: I heard that.

Lord Mike: See.

Lady Marian: Who are you talking to?

Lord Mike: I.... I don't... I... to Mr Zip, the magic pixie that only I can see!

Zip: He is you know!

Count: I am the supreme master of the boards!

SHOCK CLIFF-HANGER!

All: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

END OF EPISODE!