h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here it is, the fabeled untransmitted Mike Mills story, Spoila!

***

Lord Mike stood tall in the punt, going along the River Cam in the city of Cambridge. His passenger, Lady Marian, looked slightly worried, especially so considering Lord Mike wasn't holding a pole with which to propel the thing.

"Do you know, I'm not holding a pole to propel this thing." Lord Mike observed.

"I noticed." Lady Marian deadpanned as they capsized beneath Clare Bridge. As they stepped onto land, she twirled her parasol and said coyly "Don't forget what we came here for?"

Lord Mike looked confused. "What's that?"

Marian rolled her eyes. "Silly! We came here originally to visit Professor Steven Ford! He's got a room at St Cedds, you know."

Lord Mike looked boggle-eyed. "Steven lives in Cambridge?"

"Yes!" Marian cried out.

"And he's a Professor now?"

"Only for this story." Marian reminded.

"And we're in Cambridge to visit him?"

"Quite." she nodded.

"Why?" Lord Mike asked.

Marian stood gaping at him. "You should know, you brought us here."

"Ah yes!" he said as enigmatically as he could. "But I want to know if you knew that I know. And you do. Very good."

"To St Cedds then?"

"To St Cedds."

Professor Steven Ford himself was sitting in his study at St Cedds, as you would expect from a Professor at St Cedds. He had just returned from shopping at the supermarket and was currently unpacking a load of plastic bags from the Corn Flakes packet in which he had transported them. There was a knock at the door and he made a quick dash for the kitchen, unfortunately he hit a lamp post on the way and fell to the ground. As Professor Ford lay there wondering who could have been at the door and why there was a lamp post in the middle of his study he heard the door open.

"Are you alright Professor?" asked a worried Scottish voice and he saw a young man's face looking down at him, "Here let me help you up"

The young man quickly slid a catapult under the Professor and spung him up against the wall. But at least he was standing up.

"Coffee?" Steven asked,

"Oh, yes please" the student agreed as the older man rushed into the kitchen.

"I'm terribly sorry but I can't remember who you are" Steven apologised as he made some coffee.

"James Lindsay, we met at that student drug-fueled rave the other night. You said if I wanted to borrow any books I could just pop by"

"Oh did I? Now why did I say such a stupid thing?"

"So I can't borrow any books?"

"Certainly not, it'd be to blatant a plot device. You can however have some coffee"

The Professor re-emerged from the kitchen, hit the lam post and Lindsay quickly caught the flying cups.

"What's that?" Lindsay asked gesturing and spilling coffee in the process.

"It's a lamp post" said Steven indignantly, snatching the coffee back, "Haven't you ever seen a lam post before?!"

"No, that" he pointed with his free hand to the car sitting in the middle of the room.

"Oh, that's a Mills-Mobile Mk three" Steven explained, 2Now don't be stupid and drink your coffee!"

Lindsay looked forloornly at the masses of bookshelves all around him, and sobbed pitifully into his coffee. "Are you sure I can't have a book?"

"No." said Professor Ford, getting up from the floor and sitting down again.

"Why not?" Lindsay demanded.

"Cause I said so."

"Meanie."

"Scrooter."

"Something beginning with 'F'."

Professor Ford spat out his coffee. "You what?"

"Oh ... nothing." Lindsay sighed. "Just one little tensey wensey book?"

"No. Now drink your coffee and (remiss) off."

Professor Ford then proceeded to accidentally slip on a copy of 'The Lime Machine' that just happened to be sitting on the floor in a position where he could accidentally slip on it.

"Professor?" Lindsay asked. When there was no response, Lindsay smiled to himself and went to a bookshelf. "Now, which book will I take?" he said. "Has to have pictures in it, of course ... say, howabout this one that just happens to be right in front of me?"

As he walked out of the Professor's study he had the sort of grin on his face that a child has after weeing in the pool. He passed Lord Mike and Lady Marian, who were on their way there (to the study, that is, not the pool).

"Hello Lord Mike!" Lindsay deadpanned in an unconvincing manner.

"Hello Lindsay! Learned to read at last?" Mike joked. Lindsay blushed and bawled like a baby, and Lord Mike and Marian made their way into the study.

Lord Mike and Lady Marian knocked on the door. Steven got up, and quickly ran into the kitchen again. "Go away Lindsay, I'm not giving you any of my books!"

"It's us!" Lord Mike intoned as he slid enigmatically between the doorway and the door. Marian did likewise. "How are you Professor Ford?"

"Oh, keeping well, keeping well. Except for this nasty pain in my neck ..."

"Lindsay?" Mike guessed.

"No, a real pain in my neck. I think I should stop using a carving knife to shave, don't you?"

Marian smiled. "You know why we're here, don't you?"

Professor Ford looked nonplussed, before answering "You want some coffee?"

"No Professor, we want to borrow a book. A very particular book." said Lord Mike.

Steven smiled. "Help yourself. Which one were you after?"

Marian looked at him grimly. "The one called ... Spoila!"

"Second shelf down." Steven said, before turning around and walking into the lamppost again.

***

At his laboratory (such as it was), Lindsay opened the book, and smiled.

"Hello, this is strange writing." he said. "It's in some unknown language, that I can't decipher."

At that moment the cleaner happened to be sweeping behind him, and he looked over his shoulder. "Looks like English to me, guv." he said in a thick Swedish accent. Lindsay looked confused.

"But the incantations ... this book is very powerful." he said, looking dramatic.

"So what guv'nor? How do you reckon that?" the woefully miscast cleaner said.

"Because I can do this, and it doesn't break." And with that Lindsay threw the book into the fireplace. Seconds later, it burst into flame, and was cinders. The cleaner laughed, as Lindsay realised he was wrong, and that he'd got the wrong book from Steven's shelf.

***

Matt Painter, the college porter, was busy with a inquiry when the strangely dressed man in a long white anorak stormed onto the grounds. "You. Come here." the man said rudely.

Matt walked over to him. "There's no need to act like that Lindsay."

Lindsay looked confused, again. "Where is Ford?"

"There's one in the carpark, I think ..." Matt began.

"Professor Ford. I want to talk to him."

"You were only there ten minutes ago." Matt chidled. "Besides all that, he's got guests."

"Then I shall return later." Lindsay said, wibbling his lips in a comic fashion before he left.

Matt stood, looking on in bemusement. "He's been at the cocoa again." he said to himself, shaking his head and eating a banana.

Lord Mike stared intently at the second shelf down for several minutes, and then shook his head.

"It doesn't seem to be here," he said at last.

"It's okay, Steven never was very good at counting," Marian assured him, "for all we know it could be the eighteenth shelf from the bottom."

"Hmm," Lord Mike mumbled saddly to himself, "how did he get to be a Professor anyway?"

"He was queueing up for some corn flakes in a hotel one morning while he was on holiday, and he accidentally joined the wrong queue."

Mike scratched his head enigmatically. "I don't think I'll bother going into the problems with that story," he said at last. He turned round to where Steven was sprawled on the floor.

"Come on, Professor, let's get you up."

"What's so great about being up?" Steven demanded from his vantage point on the ground, "I've spend a good half of my life on me feet, and I can't see anything special about it."

"We've come about the book, Professor," Marian said again, partly because the plot seemed to be running on the spot, and partly because that's what it said in the script.

"What book?"

"THE book." Steven stared blankly at her, but then there was nothing particularly special about that. "Spoila," she explained, "as I said in the last post,"

"Oh, that one. It's a silly book really. He dies in the end you know."

"Now you've spoilt it for me!" Mike said angrily with a hint of engimatism.

"That's not a word." Marian growled.

"Let's just leave the poor narrator alone, this time, shall we?" Steven suggested, climbing to the summit of his feet, "he does enough for us afterall, like choosing the type face, and occasionally saying 'said Steven'," said Steven.

"Anyway, where's Spoila?"

"One lump or two?"

"Um... I'm sure that line isn't supposed to go in there...."

Mike narrowed his eyes. "You're right..." he said.

Lord Mike stands in an exhibition hall, filled with varying enemies he's battled over the years.

"While Steven and I haggled over the script, Lindsay was busy preparing another devistating visit." he says in a manner befitting Tom Baker.

***

James Lindsay walked into the clothing store, looking around with some interest.

"Can I help you?" said the clothes rack on his right. It was only when he squinted that he noticed it was, in fact, a rail thin shopswoman.

"Yes." he said. "I want some clothes."

"What's wrong with the garb you're wearing?" said the woman with a slight resemblance to a fishing pole.

Lindsay looked down at his anorak. "It is an anorak." he said.

"Good point. Don't want any of those. Here, would you like this?" she said, motioning to the finely tailored suit in the window. Lindsay grinned, but shook his head.

"I don't mind that apron though." he said, pointing to a frilly apron nearby.

***

"We got your message." Marian was saying. "About Spoila. You told us it was very urgent."

"Urgent?" Steven said. "Yes, it was. I don't think the author quite captured the heart of the character ..."

Lord Mike was reading a book. "Is that all you brought us here to say?"

"Yes." answered Steven instantly, before suddenly looking unhappy. "No. You see, there was something very strange about that book."

"Strange? In what way?" asked Marian.

"Well, when one throws it onto an open fire it makes one want to buy womens clothing. Bit of a silly thing really, but I made the mistake of doing it three nights ago and my cupboard was full of dresses in the morning!"

Marian sighed. "Nothing wrong with buying womens clothing."

"There is if you're a man." Lord Mike said, occasionally scratching his head. "Hold on! Lindsay had a book with him when he left here half an hour ago!"

"Who?" Steven asked.

"Professor!" Marian sighed.

"Where?" Steven asked.

"We must find that book!" Lord Mike cried as he ran out the door, Marian in tow.

"Why?" Steven plumbed.

Once again the camera pans down towards Lord Mike's face, zooms in a little too close and refocuses on his nose.

"But at the same time as Steven was asking ridiculous questions, James Lindsay was in a nearby pub... eating... a casserole."

Mike pauses, and starts to walk along the exhibition of vanquished foes, passing by a large bear with a red hat on saying "hiss me quick" and a giant apple tree.

"Marian was appauled... oh wait that comes later..."

---

The pub landlord was a jolly chap. Unfortuantely he was also dead, and his son, who was a really misserable git, and who had just been the vicitm of an unhappy love affair and was now being sued for breach of copyright by the Douglas Adams' estate, was in a bad mood.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

"I'd like a casserole, and fast, the narration has already said I'm eating one," Lindsay muttered, shoving a ten pound note at the bar keeper, and pushing the rest of his money back into his skirt pocket.

"Oh ah," said the barkeeper's moody son. "We don't do food, but I can go out back and scrape some of the mould off the wall and give you that."

"That'll do fine," Lindsay said.

"Did you say keep the change? What from a tenner, thank you sir."

"Hey, I didn't say that! And you know what happened last time you ripped a line off from Mr Adams."

"This whole ruddy story is ripped off from him... apart from this bit in the pub, of course." The barkeeper's son scratched angrily at his arm.

"Good point. What am I even doing in here?"

"Search me, shouldn't you be in an invisible space ship, instead of in an invisible pub."

"Of course, this pub's invisible. No wonder I had so much trouble in finding it." Lindsay said, as the narrator realised he hadn't done any narrating lately.

"Yes, well done, Mr 'I'm so observant'," the landlord said, "now are you going to eat your mould or not?"

"No." Said Lindsay stubbournly, "do you have another fork, this one's a bit dirty?"

Lord Mike was standing next to a robot dog, who had been his companion in such stories as 'Dr Bobo' and 'Fishfinger'.

"In the laboratory, the cleaner was up to no good. But you don't get to see that bit, because we never filmed it. So here's another bit with Lindsay in it."

***

Lindsay walked back into the college grounds, where he found Matt the Porter once again standing in his way.

"Is Professor Ford alone now?" Lindsay said in a high falseto voice.

Matt looked at him strangely, before answering normally "Yes. Yes he is. Lord Mike and Lady Marian left 15 minutes ago."

"Good." said Lindsay. "My delaying tactic of eating a casserole worked." Without another word, he walked towards where Steven's room was.

***

"In the lab, the cleaner had rescued the book from the fire, and he was now chanting, wiggling it about above his head like a monkey." Lord Mike said. "Unfortunately, we got to the lab just in time to see him escape on his Motorcycle with the book. I stole a convieniently placed Tricycle I found in the street and made to chase him ..."

***

Lord Mike peddled furiously on the Tricycle, Lady Marian bunched uncomfortably on the back. The cleaner was not even in site any more, so quickly had he got away from them on his Motorcycle.

"I don't think we're going to catch him." Lady Marian said exasperated.

"Ah, but you forgot about my plot device!" said Lord Mike.

"Your what?" Marian asked.

"My cane!" he said triumphetly, as he pushed a button and converted the Tricycle into a ... Motortricycle. "I really should come up with a witty name for this thing ..."

"The cane?" Marian giggled.

"No, the Motortricycle." He then reved up the engine and made chase through the narrow streets of Cambridge. Seconds later, they passed some people singing "We only sing when we're winning!" in the street, seemingly to nobody. Lord Mike threw a Jellybaby to them as he passed. Finally they found the cleaners Motorcycle. It had crashed into a Lamp post.

"That's what he gets for using Lindsay's bike." said Lord Mike.

"But it's Steven who crashes into lamp posts!" Marian noted.

"Yes, but this is Lindsay's bike. Which means something. I don't know what exactly, but it means something."

***

Lord Mike looked on, wide eyes staring. "Marian was appauled!" he said, sounding like a Vicar with a bad cold. "Some distance away, Lindsay was saying 'Hello' to Steven ...

Lord Mike was inspecting the crashed motorcycle.

'There's only one way to find out what happened to that cleaner,' he decided. 'Lady Marian, would you do something for me?'

'Er...' said Lady Marian.

Lord Mike went on without waiting. 'Go back to the Mills-Mobile and get me my whatsit-thingummy-tron, would you?'

'All right,' agreed Lady Marian enigmatically.

'It's imperitive that we find out where that book went,' he told her seriously.

'Why do you say that?' she asked.

'Because it's in the script, of course!'

'Ah.'

*****

A little while later, Lady Marian found hersalf back at the door to Professor Ford's study. She smiled and waved to Matt the Porter.

'Would you let me in to see Professor Ford again?' she asked. 'Lord Mike sent me to get something he left in the Professor's study.'

'Righto,' said Matt. 'Go on in.'

'Thanks so much,' she said, smiling gratefully as she went past.

*****

Inside, Lindsay stood, talking to Professor Ford.

'Er, hullo,' said Lindsay, in a nasty, weasly sort of way.

Professor Ford looked at him queerly as he crawled out from behind the lamppost. 'Do I know you, young man?'

Lindsay glared at him impatiently. 'Of course you do! I was that fellow who was here earlier.'

Professor Ford continued to stare at him blankly for another minute, then the light seemed to dawn. 'Ahh!' he said. 'I know! You're that fellow who was here earlier.'

'Yes. Now, Professor -'

'Very unpleasant young chap he was, I remember.' He turned confidentially to Lindsay. 'I wouldn't recommend him as a close acquaintance. Would you like some tea?'

'Professor - !'

Just then, Lady Marian walked in.

'Hullo again, Professor!' she said. 'Lord Mike wanted me to get something for him...' She caught sight of Lindsay, standing in a corner, looking like a suspicious character with a guilty conscience.

'Who's that?' she asked Professor Ford. 'Friend of yours?'

The Professor scratched his head. 'I don't know,' he said. 'He might be that fellow who was in here earlier....' He turned to Lindsay. 'Who are you, young man, and what are you doing in my study?' he demanded.

'My name's Lindsay!' he said impatiently. 'And I just wanted to borrow... something,' he added in a decidedly sinister manner.

'Ah, well... I don't know....'

'I'll get that thing Lord Mike wanted then, shall I?' And with a curt nod and a coldly polite smile to Lindsay, folllowed by a disapproving glance at his clothing, she disappeared into the Mills-Mobile.

'Professor -' started Lindsay.

'Would you like some tea?' asked the Professor.

'No, I would not!' said Lindsay.

'Ah. Well perhaps.... Would you like some tea, Marian?' he called into the Mills-Mobile.

'Er, yes, I suppose so. Thank you. I'll have to get back to Lord Mike, but if it's quick, I'm sure I can spare a minute,' she answered from inside.

The Professor went into the kitchen.

'One lump or two?' he called out.

'Oh, none, thanks,' she said back.

'Sugar?'

'Oh, yes please.'

'Oh dear...'

'What's wrong?' she stuck her head out of the Mills-Mobile, completely ignoring the speechlessly irate Lindsay.

'I've run out of milk....' said the Professor vaguely.

'Oh that's all right,' Lady Marian told him. 'We've all kinds of tea-making stuff in the Mills-Mobile. I'll get you some in a minute.'

'Ah,' said the Professor.

He walked out of the kitchen to be confronted by Lindsay. 'Excuse me, young man,' he said. 'It's bad enough having to dodge a lamppost...'

'Listen!' said Lindsay. 'Where's the book?'

'What book?'

'THE book!'

The Professor sratched his head vaguely. 'Were you the fellow who came wanting a book earlier? Because I didn't like him.'

'Give me that book, or I'll get it another -- less pleasant -- way.'

'I don't know what you mean....'

Lindsay took out his dirty fork from the invisible pub, and aimed it at the Professor. A bolt of energy flew from it to the Professor, knocking him down.

Lady Marian came out of the Mills-Mobile. 'Professor - !'

Lindsay grabbed her arm and ran into the Mills-Mobile, pulling her after him.

*****

Lord Mike had started walking, having decided to try to find the cleaner without the thingummy Lady Marian was getting. He came to an open doorway, and stuck his head in.

'Hullo!' he called.

Then seeing the cleaner waving the book over his head and chanting in a ridiculous sort of way, he rushed in, snatched the book, and ran out again to give it back to the Professor.

The cleaner started to follow him, but was delayed by bumping into a lamppost.

On the way back to the Professor's study, Lord Mike bumped into twelve lampposts.

Rubbing his nose after bumping into the thirteenth, he came to a conclusion: 'Something odd is going on here.'

It was then that he finally thought to look at the book he was carrying. And when he did so, he gasped, and started running, dodging lampposts, or at least trying to with more or less success.

*****

The Professor lay on the floor of his study. Lord Mike rushed in, barely avoiding a lamppost.

'Professor - !'

He knelt by the Professor, who, after a minute, sat up.

But now he was a different Professor. The same character anyhow, but a different actor. For now he didn't bear a resemblance to General Steven Ford.

He looked more like Sir Lance Baylis!

'Do I know you?' he asked vaguely.

'Professor, what happened?' Lord Mike wanted to know.

The Professor looked at him inqiringly.

'Well, before you were Professor Ford,' Lord Mike explained. 'But now you look more like -'

'Yes, yes, yes,' the Professor cut in. 'My name was never really Ford. It's Professor Baylatis.'

'Why didn't you tell us that before?' Lord Mike asked.

'Well, you all seemed so sure....' he answered vaguely.

Just then, a student walked in the door.

'Er, hullo!' said the student.

'Who're you?' asked Profesor Baylatis and Lord Mike.

'Steven Ford. We met at a thing a while back, and you said I might borrow a book from you if I ever needed one,' he answered.

Lord Mike and Professor Baylatis looked at eachother. 'We've already done this....'

Steven was aghast. 'You mean you started the story without me? I was supposed to be the Chris Parsons type who would unwittingly start all the plot action!'

'Then who was that Lindsay character....' Lord Mike wondered enigmatically. 'And where's the Mills-Mobile?'

For it was no longer in the room.

*****

'Spoila!' Lindsay looked at Lady Marian significantly. 'Does that name mean anything to you?'

She glared at him. 'I've never even heard of it. Look, what do you think you're up to, kidnapping me, and stealing the Mills-Mobile? It's atrocious!'

Lindsay growled at her as he tried vainly to control the Mills-Mobile. 'How do you drive this thing?!'

'I'll never tell you!' she answered proudly.

'Never mind,' he said, narrowly avoiding a lamppost. I know where to find the information. In the Lamentable and Ancient Instruction Manual!'

Lady Marian turned to him quickly. 'What do you know about that?'

*****

'I think,' Lord Mike began. 'That Lindsay's somehow unleashed the power of this book.' He held up the book taken from the cleaner: The Lamentable and Ancient Instruction Manual. 'And now he's trying to get it back.

'But what does it do?' asked Steven, still trying to fathom what he was doing here.

'My boy, it's only the most dangerous book in this Galaxy,' the Professor answered. 'It's powers are not precisely known. One lump or two?' he asked Lord Mike.

'Two, please.'

'Sugar?'

'Just a bit.'

While Steven sat baffled and Lord Mike stirred his tea, Professor Baylatis explained. 'It's an ancient relic, one whose powers are very great. A dangerous thing to fall into the wrong hands -- or Lindsay's, in other words.'

'Ah,' said Steven.

'One lump or two?' the Professor asked.

'Er, one,' said Steven.

'Sugar?'

'What?' he said, utterly lost.

Lord Mike explained -- not about the sugar, that is, but about the book. 'It's long been known that this book, when thrown into an open fire, causes one to want to buy women's clothing. But I think that it also has the power to make all those who come into contact with it -- bump into lampposts!'

'What?!' shouted Steven, jumping up and promptly bumping into a lamppost.

'Ridiculous,' decided the Professor, returning to the kitchen and bumping into a lamppost twice on the way.

Steven and his Lordship sat in their seats for a quiet moment, wondering how the Professor had managed to bump into one lamppost twice before giving up and turning back ot face each other.

Lord Mike began "You see-"

"Yes, that's what my eyes are for"

"No likes a smart arse" he reminded the student,

"Oh that's okay, I've only got a smart brain"

Lord Mike sighed and gave up, suddenly the Mills-Mobile door was flung open and Lindsay leapt out.

"Give me the book Mills!" he ordered,

"Never!" the enigmatic man jumped to his feet and made a leap for the door, missed and slammed into the wall.

"I'll take that" sniggered Lindsay, plucking the book from the stunned Lord's hands and heading back to the Mills-Mobile, narrowly avoiding a couple of lampposts.

Lindsay climbed into the Mills-Mobile, only to face Nibbles, who, for reasons best known to himself, had dressed up as a robot dog with no legs, and as such, had been unable to over the lip of the Mills-Mobile and out.

"Argh!" screamed Lindsay, not very convincingly, and rushed out of the room.

"Quick, after him," Mike said, and Steven promptly ran into a lamppost. Professor Baylatis stared vaguley at the empty tea pot on the draining board.

"One lump or two.." he mumbled to himself.

"Not for me thanks, I've already got one," Steven groaned climbing to his feet, and rubbing at his head, where, in a truely fictional universe there would have been a bump.

"You can't say that, you have to say a number," the Professor snapped, and then I do my gag about the milk."

"Lindsay is getting away," Marian pointed out, "in fact, he's stopped getting away. He's now got away."

"Burning Bookshelves," Steven cursed, "now we'll never find him."

"That's where you're right... wrong, that's where you're wrong!" the Professor said solemly, "we should be able to trace him by the trail of lampposts with dents in them."

"Of course!" Mike climbed to his feet, "quick, to the Mills Mobile."

Marian raised one eyebrow, "you're allready in it," she poined out.

"Good point, I was wondering who would be the first to notice that."

---

Switch back to Lord Mike, standing in front of two not very good waxworks of Mr Thompson's Butcher from Chris Butcher (written by Robot Death -[boom boom]) and a chipmunk from The Happy Fluffy Chipmunks, the only Mike Mills Adventure ever to have an x rating.

"Meanwhile, Lindsay returned to the invisible pub and after a wrong turn where he ended up in the cellar, managed to get inside." He turns to the camera. "Naturally, I gave chase..."

---

The Mills-mobile raced dowm a street looking like a badly constructed interior set, and came to an abrupt halt, as did the post.

"Why the sudden stop?" asked Professor Baylatis who had been catapulted into the front by the sudden brake.

"Because Steven's post ended" Marian replied, wiping the tea from her clothes,

"And also" his Lordship continued, stopping only for the narrator to explain who was talking, "did anyone notice that invisible pub back there?"

There were general mutterings of "no"

"Good, that's the point of an invisible pub you see" Lord Mike looked over his shoulder and reversed up to park next to the invisible pub, "All ashore whose going ashore" he called, climbing out of the Mills-Mobile, hot on his heels were Marian, Baylatis and Steven (who was sick of getting named last). Lord Mike and Steven disappeared through the narrow entrance of the invisible pub whilst Baylatis missed the entrance and Lady Marian decided she couldn't leave him outside alone in the next post.

Lord Mike leapt from the Mills-Mobile and hurried into the pub, where he found Lindsay look at him, only just managing to look menacing.

"So, this is how it ends eh?" Lindsay said, holding up the book in one hand and a 19th Century Corset in the other.

Lord Mike raised his eyebrow. "Hold on." he said. "That book made you want to put on womens clothing, but none of us wanted to."

"Oh, I was going to anyway, before I got the book." said Lindsay absently. "That's not the point. This is how it ends, eh?"

"Yes, I heard you the first time." said Lord Mike, skipping over his cue. "That book is dangerous. We need to destroy it. And only I, Lord Mike, know how."

"Never!" bellowed Lindsay. "Hold on -- How do you know how to destroy the book?"

"I found out in one of the scenes we didn't film." said Lord Mike, enigmatically.

He leaps towards Lindsay, and takes the book from his grasp. Lindsay falls to the floor, clutching at his head in pain.

***

Lord Mike is standing in front of an 'Fire Exit' sign.

"Using the knowledge that I gained the the early, extant scene I defeated Lindsay in this extant scene, saving the day bravely. Lindsay snapped out of his trance, and embarassedly tried to worm his way out of the wearing womens clothing, even though he didn't actually deny that he had been doing so ..."

"Back in the Professors study, we all sat around having tea ..."

***

Professor Baylatis is coming in from the kitchen, with a tray of tea cups. He stops just in front of the Lamp Post, and smiles happily.

"See! I can avoid it!" he said, weaving around it and tripping over Nibbles. Amazingly, the tea cups manage to land in everybodies hands without fail.

"So we won?" Marian asked.

"Yes, we won." Mike said.

"I didn't really want to wear those clothes you know. It was all part of the spell ..." Lindsay tried.

Steven coughed. "So Professor ... about these books I can borrow ..."

They all looked at him.

THE END

A number of extars will be included on the DVD release of Spoila! These include:

A commentary by Mike Mills, Lance Baylis, James Lindsay, Marian von Wer, Steven Ford and a lamppost

A "Then and Now" documentary tracing the whereabouts of the lampposts used in this story

A recording of the cast and crew in sound booth recording car noises for the Mills-Mobile

Mills Cam. 7 Showing a fade in of the Professor's empty study

A featurette on the making of Nibbles' dog costume