h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

**Having only just recovered from Thistle Howl's masterful attempt to execute an Immelman turn, Purr has to contend with the plunge into the open mouth of the FUNHOUSE facade.**

Rrrr-rrrr! Thiss is a firrst. Ussually Ai am on the 'giving' end of ssomething being sswallowed. (He reminisces about es, then feels guilty about the implications of alienating certain Cast members.)

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Oh, I bet this is going to be cool!

*Thistle tries to adjust the car's altitude, hoping she can fly close to the ceiling and avoid dragging Humpty on the ground.*

But the isn't much room to manuver in here, that'll make any move we need to do even more dangerous. Um, I should probably be honest you, Mr. Purr, whenever I play any flight simulater games with my rotten brother Axel he really creams me. But I wouldn't worry about that too much, I think Axel cheats.

**Purr turns to Thistle and growls...**

[Purr] Jusst keep it between the ditches, dearr Thisstle, jusst k-- Urrk! , Humpty!

**While chatting with Thistle Howl, Purr's attention was diverted enough to let the bullwhip slip a bit. He hastily cinches it back in, wrapping his forearm in the leather strap for better grip and bracing with all his might against the door frame.**

[Purr] How weighty can one egg be...? May Ai call yeou "Heavy D"?

*having entered stark blackness, the cars abruptly slow to a crawl*

*if anyone were to strike a light at this point, they would find themselves in the middle -- literally suspended in space -- of a huge underground room, complete with stalactites, stalagmites, and deep fissures*

*there is a faint smell of brimstone*

*the sound of distant echo-y dripping can be heard, and a sudden flurry of horrid scritchy noises*

*every single passenger suddenly finds himself covered in dusty cobwebs*

Wow! It's like...our basement. Only really big.

*feeling very much at home, and almost cozy, Thistle feels ready for anything.*

OK, Ride, bring it!!!

Oh dear, I really don't like the dark!

*wimpers quietly* reaches out to hold Lil's hand because she knows Lil doesn't like caves*

*swipes at her face desperately*

Ewww! Yuk! I hate it when stuff touches my face. This is supposed to be fun?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Oh, it's you, Amy. *furiously wiping icky feathery stuff from her face* At least we're moving.

(B4 finally manages to regain his feet and joltingly makes his way forward to the controls again, digging cobwebs out of his mouth on the way.)

Ecch! I hope I didn't swallow a spider!

(He hunches over the controls and strains to change the position of the joystick, his back taught against his trenchcoat, his brow sweating in concentration. He's obviously struggling with an immovable object...and losing.)

Well, if that don't beat all! How's cum that dang thing won't budge?!

(Suddenly, he releases the controls and stands back, feet wide apart and hands on his hips in consternation.)

Waidaminit! If I'm wearin' a TIH&G, which is a virtual environment simulator controled by this headset and glove, and the controls of this EWR cable car are run by a control panel that has a user interface comprised of a analog-to-digital guidance mechanism coupled to the electronics, then if I jumper the framazam induction servos via the--

(The rest is mumbled under his breath as whips out a small tool kit, unscrews the housing for the joystick and a panel just beneath it, clips a few wires and reroutes them to the TIH&G, and the rest is equally lost in a blur of arms, elbows, clanking tools, puffs of solder smoke, a brief spate of arc-welding that lights up the cabin in intermittent flashes of bright light. Moments later, B4 stands poised before the control panel, now jury-rigged into his TIH&G, and chortles in triumph.)

Okay, EWR! Show me whatcher made of! (he pauses) Oh, yeah, I already saw that when I pulled the panel apart. Anyway...

Let's see how fast this baby can clear this cave!

(He reaches forward with his TIH&G glove, as if manipulating a throttle and...)

*Thistle finds a spider in her hair, and gently sets it on her control panel. She occupies her time with it while waiting for the EWR's next move.*

Stay! Very good, now Sit! No, no, no, Sit!....

* Hanging down below the others, can see some things a little more clearly. *

Oh my, oh my, oh oh oh.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T PRESS ANY ORANGE BUTTONS!

[Purr] P-thff-pht-pht! Cobwebss...orr...(?)...cotton candy? Rremarrkable place, thiss is! And once yeour eyes adjusst to the lighting, it's quite homey.

**He turns to see how Thistle is fairing and sees she's not seafaring at all, but rather playing with an arachnid atop the main control console. He also notes (for the first time), dimly lit by the subdued illumination emanating from the panel, the typical tacky "danglies" hanging from the rearview mirror. In other words, he sees a pair of dice by the dashboard lights.**

[Purr] Might Ai rremind the yeoung lass at the helm that we alrready have too many passengerrs aboarrd as it is.

**He wraps his tail around the pedestal of the pilot seat and steadies himself, still straining against the weight of the egg-man dangling from the cable car by the bullwhip, and draws in a huge breath. With a flash of recognition in his sky-blue eyes, he whips around to face Thistle Howl, and gasps out in a ragged breath--**

[Purr] Brrimsstone! Thisstle, if therre's any volcanic activity in thiss chamberr, ourr ssoft-sshelled sswingerr may become a parrboiled pendulum. Lookforranexitquick! Look... forr... an exit... quick!

[Semi-Simulpost]


[Purr] What's that yeou ssay, Humpty?! "Go and sswish ssome oarrs in mutton"? What does that mean, dearr Dumpty?

**Purr leans a bit forward toward the door in order to hear better, but the change of angle lets a couple of feet of the leather strap slip out through the door.**

[Purr] OH-NO! OHNO-OHNO-OHNOOOO! Maiy apologiess, dearr Dumpty! But WHAT did you SSAY?
(aside to Thistle through clenched teeth) Higherr! Take uss a BIT higher!

*the console in front of B4 bursts into bright flames. They subside quickly, but not before causing bright red reflections in many pairs of very large eyes and white reflections in many sets of jagged sharp teeth*



Don't EVER do that again. You have no steering priveleges any more. Not that the rest of you do now that we're in the Funhouse, but still.



We are passing through the no-petting zoo. Please keep all appendages under your respective fundamenta.

*with a few jerks to simulate authentic chain-pulled cars, the whole file picks up speed and swoops downward into a side passage*

* A faint greenish glow suffuses this tunnel which is lined with bones both humanoid and ... otheroid*

*Some of the bones try to assemble themselves into skeletons and reach out toward to passengers as they glide past*

*along one stretch can be seen mummified myrmicoid forms swathed in spider webbing, and further on are great bird bones still loosely covered with dusty feathers*

*And then they pass a string of wild-ride cars pointing in the other direction, with rotting remains in each of the seats*

Whoops! Looks like the last bunch decided to stay for lunch! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa!!!

Yeee-ooww! Ow-ow-ow... Durnit! Is this 'virtual' environment SUPPOSED to burn yer retinas out?! Sheesh...

(B4 reels back from the blaze of the console that quickly dwindles to sparks and embers, then goes completely black.)

Hmmmmm... Seems the TIH&G at least comes with a battery back-up...

(He fiddles with the scorched remains of the interface wires and pulls them loose, then blinks in large shutter-like blinks to clear the after-image dots from his sight.)

Anybody got a white cane with a red tip?

Seriously, though, sorry I shorted out the system. Thought I could get it worked out; Scotty always did. Guess I better just leave this ride to its own devices.

B4izorchthewholecar2cinders

Oh no, oh dear, this is worse than locked in the broom cupboard by Stepmama

I'm going to need more than when this is through!

OOoooOOooooOOoo [I bet this cupboard has way more skeletons]

Oo Oo Oo Oo Oo Oo [Ha ha ha ha ha]

OoooOOO ooooOOOO [Hey, Zello!]

OOOOOooooOooOOooo [I think I recognise some of these bones!]