h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Any sick bags? Who ever can you mean?

*Pansy holds tighter onto her hair, while her face turns as green as the stripes on her ski suit.*

Hmm, let's see, for a barrel roll I need to bank hard, rudder against the turn to force a roll,I think, that'll swing Mr. Humpty. As we come out of the roll Mr. Humpty should be at the top of his arc. A sharp dip should yank the whip and bring him to us, then sharply up with the nose and we catch him like a ball on a string in a cup. That should work, shouldn't it?

*growling from the effort, Thistle begins playing with the controls in a way she hopes comes close enough to correct to actually work*

Oh, Mr Purr? I should probably mention that my rotten brother Axel always kicks my tail at the ball and cup game. How many tries do I get...ya know...before we start to...well...crack him?

*before Purr can answer the car shifts, as Thistle's manuevers are apparently doing...well something, anyway*

Yipppeeeeee! Here goes nuthin'!

*the Three Blind Mice had apparently stowed away in Robyn Bankes' car, and now appear one by one as gravity propels them against the sides*

Robyn, Robyn, steer the car!
We don't know just where we are!
Up or down or all dishevelled
We would rather be plumb level!

AyEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woooooooooo Hooooooooooooo

Don't worry es we'll all be fine!

This is the best roller coaster ride I've ever been on

Just relax and go with the flow

*The joystick in Thistle's hand takes a sudden lurch to the right.*

Don't the old B-17's kind of bank and drop out of formation? Maybe I could do that and get out of this.

*tries to bank the car*

Hey! Stop that! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

*the car banks the wrong way, instead of a roll the car turns tightly to the right*

*as the G-forces temporarily decrease, he finally manages a push-up*

Pardonnez-moi, Mademoiselle Mary!

*shakes himself like a dog to get rid of the on his back*

*grabs hold of a seat back and hauls himself up, and then offers Mary a helping hand*

We had better find seats and fasten our seat belts before the next round, chérie!

* After a graceful arc through the air, finds himself suddenly lurching directly towards the car. At the last moment the car veers off in an unexpected direction, and Humpty finds himself swinging back directly at the spire. *

A little higher, a little higher, a little higher, a little...

DUCK, DUCK!

*Finally able to take a deep breath, but only just, as the 3 occupants of the car are still tightly squeezed in.*

Well, that was, um, interesting. Not altogether unpleasant, but I can imagine better circumstances.

*With difficulty, sits down in the driver's seat, wedged in place by the . Tries to ignore 's breath on her cheek*

I wonder if these controls will help at all.

*Gives the joystick a tentative push forward*

<--waggles his tail in the Stranger's face, while grinning in Mary's.

*waving goodbye to the goose with one wing, admiring its flying ability*

Quack! (Thank you!)

*sighs, hoping that he, too, one day will be able to fly like that*

*hears someone calling for him from outside the cable car*

Quack? (What?)

*looks out the window, sees Humpty Dumpty*

*ducks out of pure reflex*

You're all doing a grand job!

*the ride suddenly becomes less extreme and more like a conventional amusement ride of the mad teacup variety, except that all the cars are 400 feet in the air*

*after a moment the car containing the Ugly Duckling shoots upward and, trailing blue smoke, proceeds to write BEAUTY IS AS BEAUTY DOES at high speed above the other cars*

OOoooOooOoo oo OOOo [beauty....is....as...]

OOooOoooooOO ooo oooO [...beauty.....does]



OOOoooooOoooooo [Danged if I know what it means]

(From his prone position on the floor of the cable car, looking up through the open top, B4 notes the 'skywriting' progressing as it flashes past during each successive whirl of the EWR conveyance.)

...beau...tyis...asbe...autyd...oes...

Aren't we... mixing our... metaphors...? It's like... "The Wizard... of Oz"... and "Forrest... Gump" all... rolled together...

(Now using two feet, though they seem to be contravening each other, B4 kicks the joystick from side to side.)

The EWR responds by...

You got that right! *cries Thistle, admiring Duckie's skywriting. Then she realizes, she really should try to get Humpty headed above and away from the Spire. Well, that's kinda what she's wanted to do all along...*

...let's see, execute a barrel roll while doing an inside loop...Mr. Purr? Please hold on, we're going to try an Immelman, or something like it, anyway...

*Thistle frantically goes to work at the controls*

* Closes his eyes a split second before he collides with duck's car, then opens them again when the moment of impact never comes. *

Oh, close call! Look at how that car rose just in the nick of time, and now look how gracefully I am rising to the apogee of flight, looping the loop, such a graceful arc, the blissful geometry of the circle bring me up and around again and


DUCK, DUCk!

*All the cars slow down their spinning and begin to circle like a carousel, gracefully moving up and down like the wooden horses famously do*

Well done everybody! Get your appendages inside because you're about to experience my Grand Finale. I have been working on this for months, I'll have you know, and I am CERTAIN that no other ride in this galaxy is quite as exciting as...

*the cars suddenly cease the carousel motion and form up in a tight line*

*Humpty Dumpty hangs from the rear car*

.....THE FUN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*the line of cars abruptly dives 400 feet, enters one of the laughing mouths, and rushes into blackness that echoes with maniacal laughter*

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

[Ripley]: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!

*both of them reach for the s again*

*gripping tightly to the grab rail*

Are we nearly there yet?

Urk! I fink I'm gomma be shick... Hey, my glasses have gone all dark!

(B4 lolls on the floor of the cable car, unable to see what's happening, and can only hear the maniacal laughter all around him.)

Like...hey, that wasn't a joke, people.