h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Purr] (holding the door open to one of the smaller cable cars while dipping his cap and bowing to Thistle) Ai would be honorred to trravel with yeou on the jourrney to the GingerrBrread Cottage frrom here. And, yess, yeou may drrive the cable carr. Ssince Ai prresume yeou would naturrally land on yeour feet under adverrse cirrcumsstances, as well, Ai have no qualmss about rriding in the ssame vehicle with yeou. Ai only assk that yeou stay away from any larrge bodies of waterr along the way. Like, forr instance, the larrge yellow-tinted cloud passing overrhead...

*a bulge in the front of Mac's shirt vibrates maddly; Carmel has apparently taken refuge there.*

She took one look at the ride and that was it. I'll take her out of here and meet you downstairs. I'm, um...not entirely disappointed about missing the ride.

*another vibration runs through all the cars*

Second call.... All Aboard!!

*Takes the Stranger's hand*

Come on, honey, there's a little two-seater that's just perfect for us.

*Gives a meaningful glance to the sheep*

<-- feigns incomprehension

OOoooOOOooOOoo [Come on, Reb, that was second call]

OOOooooOOoOooooo [We're on soon]

OOoooOOOoooo [You take the big one and I'll take the little ones]

OOoooOOoooOooo [Oh, do we have to?]

OOOooooOOoooo [I hate this whole Deus ex Machina thing]

OOooooOooo [Especially when I have to be the Deus]

*A white amorphous blob reluctantly settles on the roof of the big multi-person cablecar*

OOoooOOooO ooOOoo [Never mind, Reb]

OOOoooOOoooo [You always like it once it gets going]

OoooOOOOoooooOo [And you always were the best at loop-de-loops]

*A second white amorphous blob eagerly settles on Lil and Amy's car*

Well, hell-O everyone! Anyone who arrives after this point will have to wait until the cable cars return. There is no danger of collisions because all cars are fitted with transponders and override technology. We promise that you will fail to hit the ground unless you manage to steer yourselves to a landing.

Are you READY?? Let's go!!!!!!

*without a pause, all the cars suddenly rise up and dart in assorted directions like a sky full of golden flitches*


Drivers can describe their actions and the consequences freely, but the Extremely Wild Ride may post at any time and describe unforeseen events happening to the cars.

Nobody lands until the EWR says you land.



* the main passenger car flies upward several hundred feet, jerks sideways so that it is over the ocean, then comes to a halt, rocking back and forth as if hanging from a cable*

*Titania's car sails inward over the lip of the cliff wall then dives and sunfishes, vibrating like an old-fashioned roller coaster, all around the interior skies*

*Amy and Lil's car accelerates like a rocket, then proceeds to corkscrew while following the cliff wall, adjusting altitude jerkily*

*The car holding Purr and Thistle also sails inward, then dives dramatically toward the lake, skipping twice and splashing the occupants mightilybefore skimming the treetops and heading upward again, just missing a cylindrical, yellow-tinted cloud*

*Mary, the Mysterious Stranger and (somehow) a sheep find their car taking off like a powerful fighter jet, as does the car containing Buttercup the Pantomime Cow. The two cars immediately commence aerial combat maneuvers*

*And Robyn Bankes' car proceeds to kangaroo forward, plummeting when it meets empty air, skimming the waves and then soaring upward, higher and higher*

*in all the cars, a speaker system comes on, and the EWR can be heard laughing hysterically*

(B4 recovers from the initial bounding into the sky and places his feet a little wider apart, bending his knees a bit to adjust for the rocking motion.)
Well, that wasn't so bad, huh, Gang?

Wow! Lookit all the other cars jinkin' around like mad! I bet they're havin' one heckuva good time! Let's emulate, shall we?

(Without waiting for anyone to answer, he twirls the joystick clockwise, then counterclockwise, pushes it forward, then slams it all the way back.)

* Humpty slowly sinks to his knees when he notices the whip tied around his waist, the other end of which seems to lead into a wild ride car whose doors have just closed on it firmly. A sudden vibration and *

AAAIGHHHHHHHH!

* Humpty suddenly finds himself plummeting, then skimming water, then rising, and now hangs dangling below the car *

Amy, cling tenaciously!

*Lil fights the corkscrewing with stick and wheel, all the time wondering what force, beside the centrifugal, keeps them inside the car*

*attempts to get some purchase on the fittings with all six legs and her antennae*

I clinging, Lil! I'm clinging!

[Back]: Bandits at 4 o'clock! Ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack!

*the car containing Lil and Amy ceases to corkscrew, turns, and heads straight towards the dangling Humpty*

*Meanwhile, the passenger car stalls and begins to fall like a broken elevator*

*this causes Lil and Amy to miss Humpty but to veer toward Titania and Ripley*

*Looks for a barf bag, finds an in-flight magazine.*

Are we dragging something?

Just my stomach, I think I left it behind several twist and turns ago!

Try and keep your eyes on the horizon, it's supposed to fool your brain into thinking it isn't really doing somersaults

*manages to grab a packet of ginger biscuits from a pocket*

Is it too late to eat a few of these to settle the tummy?

[Purr] Waaaahh! Waaa-- Waatterrrrr!!! Ai. Hate. Waterr! Steerr for land, Thisstle Howl, steerr for land, puh-leasse...

**Purr is beside himself with agitation and begins a mad caper about the cab of the cable car. He frantically looks out the windows for any indication of safe passage and suddenly notes a very large wet (as though doused) ovoid character dangling from the cable car--attached to the bullwhip he still clutches in his hand.**


[Purr] How the--? Wherre did he--? Why didn't Ai--?
(Calling out the window) Humpty! Ai am SO-o-o-o-o No, don't wrriggle and squirrm! Ai will haul yeou up and into the cable carr...


**With that, Purr concentrates on finishing the task, braces himself, and hauls Humpty Dumpty up to the window. Lil and Amy’s carriage flashes past, causing a downdraft and pulling Humpty further away. Purr redoubles his efforts and gets Mr Dumpty cinched back up. There is an awkward moment when Purr attempts to pull the humongous egg-man into the car.**

[Purr] Thiss is not… eggsactly like… trrying to fit… a squarre peg into a rround hole… but rratherr like… trrying to fit… a rround egg into a squarre hole…


**Once Humpty Dumpty is securely aboard, Purr collapses into a small space still available in the tiny car, now occupied by two too many occupants. He fishes in his jacket for his contract and rereads a particular clause.**

[Purr] “Continuity sshould be maintained at all times. Casst memberrs are allowed to crreate objectss on the sset, in accorrdance with the generral envirronment, but will then be rresponssible for keeping trrack of all ssuch objects created.” Ai had betterr take extenssive notes…

I'll pass on the biccies, thanks any way. I'll tough it out. I can always remove the VR gear if I feel any worse.

Oh my!!!!! I'm going up and down all over the place!

*Pansy holds onto her hair very tightly.*

Waaaaayyyyyyyy haaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy! This is brilliant!