h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OooOOoo! OOoooOOOoo! ooo! [Reb! What the heck is that!!!!!!]

oooOOOooooOOo OOoo [What's the matter?]

OOoooOOOOoooOOO! [You look like you've seen a ghost]

OOooOOooo ooOOOOo [Yes! And it's rather large]

*gets a strange cold feeling in her antennae*

*gets a strange cold feeling in her udder*

[Front]: Are we sitting on a damp patch of grass?

I don't think I have ever been in such a haunted panto before!

If anyone knows the words, I've probably got a bell, the Book and candle in my bag, somewhere.

This panto is definitely twisted. And I'm worried about Humpty Dumpty.

*sheds blue hair over the characters at the base of the spire*

Woooooooooooorgh!

*notices the other two ghosts and realizes they deaded him*

*angrily* Woooooooooooorgh! [Woooooooooooorgh!]
*kicks rocks off the stairs, which bounce harmlessly off the cliffs and finally fall into the ocean below*

*steps out of the tunnel, looking slightly less anemic than usual, with a smug smile on his..*

*discreetly wipes his mouth with a silken handkerchief*

*from his appearance, you might assume that, in the darkness of the tunnel (and with more than perfect night vision), he managed to find an even darker corner*

*you might assume that he has finally managed a close encounter, sheep excluded*

*you might - in short - assume the worst*

* Stirs from his rapturous gazing at the top of the spire *

Worried about me? Whatever for?

When will we get to the top really I can barely wait I think I have some eagle in my ancestry or some hawk heights simply call to me I must go sit at the top I really must oh and I had better breath too I'm getting slightly dizzy from running on so but the breathing can wait if we are going to climb to the top now which I highly recommend that we go now and not wait for some tea and strumpets and trumpets or krumpets or what have you really we should get going if we are to have a good view we may lose the light if we wait too long.

*throws a custard cream at the Mysterious Stranger*

Booooo! Cad! Varlet! Blackguard!

*to the others in the audience* I hope the others look after Humpty. I mean, I'm sure eagles have eggs, but...

(B4 saunters casually past a number of the Cast members, with one hand in his satchel, foraging for some objet d'emploi or other. He mutters: )

Now where did I stash that thing...?

(As he comes abreast of the Mysterious Stranger, his hand suddenly halts its search. He takes several quick steps in a bee-line toward the M.S., pulling something resembling a paddle from his satchel, his fingers grasping the handle tightly. He holds the item up before the M.S.'s face while standing just behind his left shoulder and states: )

Here's a mirror so you can see where you missed a spot...right th-- Oh!

(He notices that he sees himself--[only]--in the reflection cast by the mirror. Where the M.S.'s head and shoulder should appear, there's only a vague shadowing effect, as if the looking glass were fogged or a wisp of smoke had passed before it.)

Well, I...um...never mind...

(B4 hurriedly backs away from the Mysterious Stranger, trying to lose himself in the small crowd of Panto-goers. He manages to wend his way back near Asteroid Lil and begins to stammer: )

Hey Lil! I know you've given carte blanche to all the Cast and indulged them in their choices of personae but I think we need to have a serious look at the Mysterious Stranger over there because he REALLY doesn't cast a reflection in a mirror and I don't see Mary nor the sheep anywhere about and fear for their safety like maybe they're victims of foul play and--

(B4 takes a breath)

--we probably need to find them and see if they're okay! Okay?

B4wehavetocall911

*searches in dictionary*

*admires Lil's creative name calling*

Eh... *tries to control her imagination and *not* assume the worst*

Booooo, hisssssssss

*at the Stranger*

Ew, there's hair in my tea.

Thechecks to make sure she isn't sitting in a puddle of tea.

*with a clanking of pitons and other metal gear, the Stage Manager hauls himself over the edge of the inner cliff, then carefully sets a fresh spike on the top and sets his rope into the loop*

*stands up and looks around at the somnolent cast and audience sunning themselves and napping, and shakes his head*

*pulls a megaphone out of his backpack and bellows into it*

ACT 3!

The intrepid cast, having defied the terrors of the inner labrynth of Magoose Island's wall tunnels, now find themselves ready for the last phase of their egg hunt, to mount the spiral staircase and answer the riddle of the, er, late Cookie Monster, before proceeding to the Gingerbread House.

Ahem. Back at the crossroads, some of you may have noticed an odd, extremely tall banana-shaped structure in the distance. That, ladies, gentlemen and entities, is a part of the Extremely Wild Ride that goes from the top of HoHo Spire to the near shore of RowRow Lake. The lake borders the lawns of the Gingerbread House, so it is a short walk from the ride's egress to the house.

The Extremely Wild Ride will give you the sense of weightlessness, lack of support from any direction, a feeling that you have been flung from a great height with wings that cause you to flutter and spiral uncontrollably, the impression that you are too close to large fireworks for your own safety, and an urge to sue the designer. But I assure you that you will land safely.

The price of admission is simply to shout the proper name of the egg you will find at the top of the stairs. After you have satisfied the Late Cookie Monster, of course. I admit that he is more irritable than he was when he was alive.

Let the proceedings continue!

*stows the megaphone and rappels off the side of the cliff*

(B4 shrugs his shoulders and starts winding his way up the stairs to the top)

I guess Mary and her will have to fend for themselves...

B4i'mlate4theride

*Sipping tea, watches the proceedings from where she is*

**Having finally finished 'tidying up', Purr in Boots stands with both boots on, and steels himself for the final ascent.**

[Purr] Ai ssuppose we have sspent entirrely too much time dallying about herre. Ah well, onwarrd and upwarrd...

**On his way past Humpty Dumpty, he grasps one of the large egg-man's arms, leans in close and whispers reassuringly:**

[Purr] Ai have ssomething forr yeou, maiy parrboiled frriend, that will help keep yeour mind off the hei--Urrr!--disstance upwarrd. Please accept thiss little novelty to while away the time until we rreach the Gingerrbrread Cottage...

**Purr carefully places in Humpty's hand an egg timer 'hourglass'. He then reaches out with his free hand and grabs the Pantomime Cow by the tail.**

[Purr] Care to lead on, Queen of Dairry? Orr sshall Ai pull yeou along?