h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*a disembodied voice moans*

I'm OK...

*there is the tinny sound of light metal objects being shifted and kicked about, then the scrabbling noise of something trying to climb a wall. Thistle's head and hands appear, as if she's peering over the edge the stage (which isn't virtually there).*

I fell off the stage into the orchestra pit. Shouldn't these folding chairs and music stands be put away when there isn't any orchestra?

*She begins to climb back onto the stage and back into the virtual scene, but she's still sopping wet and she slips.*



Um, is anyone else going to help the characters caught in the water?
Oooooow, that is soooo going to leave a mark.

*Tries to gather up his trousers at the same time as carefully taking another step across to the next stone when he is struck by a small wave. *

Oh my! Normally my balance is exquisite. I almost never fa...

Oh no! I've never stopped to wonder how a horse could put an egg back together.

*from off stage there comes frantic scrabbling noises and much huffing and puffing. From just outside the virtual space a shiny black nose appears.

Anywhere a wolf can get her nose the wolf can get the rest of the wolf...huff, puff...anywhere a wolf can get her nose the wolf can get the rest of the wolf...

*Thistle repeats this like a mantra - right up to the point where she loses her grip.

Again there is a tremendous crash as light tube steel is scattered hither and yon*

Ooooooooooooooo, ouch. I think I've damaged my TI glove. Am I missing anything important?

*from far away (in the orchestra pit?)*

Should the TI glove spark like this? Hey, there's a hand lettered orange warning sticker...'To avoid hazards the operator should sit still and behave herself'...Gee, I should have read that first, huh? Hang on a minute, no one else has a sticker on ther glove; are you guys trying to tell me something?!

*The arm on the yellow sub quickly closes the hatch to the hold then reaches out and pinches the tail of the monster. The sub then backs away a little distance in an attempt to bring its torpedo tubes to bear.*

*furrows brow*

What bear? There's a bear? I don't remember a bear.

*Snores eminate from a nearby cave.*

Zzzzzzzz.....zzzzzzzz.....need torpedos....zzzzzz

Oh *that* bear .

*Front skips lightly across the stepping stones dragging Back (who is hovering) behind her* a glowing fairy/elf entity holds a piece of paper in front of Front's eyes*

[Front]: Oh look, dear hearts, a riddle.
[Back]: You know, you sound just like Ermintrude off the Magic Roundabout.
[Front]: Be quiet, I'm moving the action along. It says, "How many salonistas does it take to change a lightbulb?"

*Carmel, who has been sitting with her ears over her eyes, not wanting to look, suddenly leaps into the air. She then pulls a cell phone out from down the back of her seat. The phone is vibrating maddly, it is not something you would want to sit on.*

Hello? Blue Bear? What do you...not I'm trying not to watch...well, I suppose I could shout that out...yes...bye-bye. *she takes a deep breath* Excuse me, Mr. Lake Monster, Sir? You have to close with the submarine and not let it have room to manuever.

*she sinks back into her seat and covers her eyes again.*

*Huff-Puff!* Did someone say they were changing light bulbs? *Huff-Puff!* Could I borrow the ladder when you're done? *Huff-Puff!*

*Thistle manages to get her chin and front paws onto the edge of the stage, she looks a bit like a cute and fuzzy Kilroy. She's really hoping her publisher will cover the cost of fixing the claw damage to the stage, otherwise her folks are going to be really mad. She loses her grip again.

CRASH!!!*

Um...little help?

*trying to get her glove to work but is having some trouble since it's probably not compatible with *

How many Salonistas to change a light bulb? Uh... none, Matina or Chloe will probably do it, or the maintenance bots from downstairs - uh - do bots count as Salonistas?

Although the Salonistas would probably be discussing the best way to change a light bulb while watching, and their experiences of various brands, and why this light bulb would be better than that one, and whether to use coloured lights or not, and probably come up with a link or two, maybe even a comment from one of the Lurkers...

They'd also need to stop for , Salonistas can't do anything without something to eat and drink. Hmmm - excuse me a moment.

*goes to Lobby to get more to eat and drink.*

Don't forget the biscuits!

I've found that Philips bulbs seem to burn out more quickly than others. I think they don't stand vibration as well.

If Lil asks a bot to change the bulb doesn't that make the answer 2, Lil and the bot? Or is the answer none, with the bot not counting as a Salonista and giving orders to the bot not counting as helping change the bulb? You know, if you counted everyone who had some imput then you'd soon have a huge backlog of Salonistas who participated in changing this bulb.

*Since the Stanger isn't replying, Mary decides to go ahead with the mouth-to-mouth. She bends over, tips the Stranger's head back, and brings her mouth down towards his...*

LOOK OUT BELOW YOU, MARY!

(takes a moment to think the situation through...)

LOOK OUT ABOVE YOU, MYSTERIOUS STRANGER!!!


B4

*a fountain of bubbles erupts from around the stepping stones and a few moments later up pops the head of the Stage Manager. He is wearing a wet suit, flippers, goggles and all the usual underwater breathing paraphenalia*

Phoo! *spitting out respirator*

Now look, it's been brought to my attention that matters have become rather discontinuitous in this scene. Nobody has acknowledged the waves rolling to shore by Eddy the Lake Monster except the Three Blind Mice, who haven't been heard from since their boat was pitched about, even though they seem to have rescued some of YOU.

And none of you except the monster have done anything about the egg! Early on, one of you pinched a bit off it so it must be in plain sight! Erm... *looks around* Well, allright, it's a bit dark, isn't it. But the fairies have been trying to get your attention for AGES.

To the plot, cast! You have other scenes to follow! You have an audience to please! You have a riddle to answer. You have wages to earn. I have a thee-yay-tre to run.

*pops respirator back into his mouth, adjusts goggles and drops back into the lake*