h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*shudders*

Did anyone else feel a chill?

Perhaps the are back.

Gasp!

*Thistle has faced all manner of monsters, some of whom followed her home and she was allowed to keep them. But a "Look"...! Sure, most of her teachers have tried, but none of them were very good at it. And Mama never had reason to give her the "Look" (mostly). It takes a moment for her to get past the nearly overwhelming desire to send herself to her room. While she composes herself she babbles almost inaudibly.*

I'm too big to cry...I didn't do anything...I'm too big to cry...I just thought Gladys was cute...I'm too big to cry...there's no reason for her to be such a meanie...I'm too big to cry...

*But there is work to be done, so Thistle screws her courage to the sticking point, which is just about enough for her to continue, in a very, very small voice.*

Excuse me, Ma'me, but shouldn't that be "empasya"?

*leafs frenetically through encyclopaedia*

Empusa, empusa...a specter (a ghost-like spirit).. devoured and frightened travelers... showed no mercy when travelers crossed its path... feared by the people that were near its town, and had the reputation of being evil!

*looks around nervously*

Eh - you don't suppose we have one nearby?

*feels a shiver travel down her spine*

This seems such a lovely spot, I was going to suggest a little light buffet, but perhaps not.

*delves into the Quality Street box for a caramel*

*Gladys takes up a stance that makes it quite clear that she intends to maintain her personal defensible space* rings the silver bell next to the egg*

The Swedish person is right, which is appropriate for the Swedish Christmas Ornament egg come to think of it.

The Empusa is a hobgoblin sent by the goddess Hecate (otherwise known as The Dark Witch) in Greek mythology.

I'm afraid the transporter is malfunctioning. I'll have to ask you to walk back to the garden.

*Gladys shakes her head*

Seems a shame to leave such a pretty egg sitting there to get covered in moss.

I know somewhere where I could get a price for it, my rates a very reasonable, 25% of any deal.

*the mice jump onto the ornament, and in just a few seconds have assembled the revolver, which they now point vaguely toward the assembled company*

1: Hands off the ornament!
2: Or we'll shoot!
3: Say something else so we can aim!

*keeps quiet and blesses her silent soled shoes, tip-toeing away*

(B4's digital watch alarm goes off, splitting the silence after the 's threat.)

[B4] Eeeep! Sssh! Where's... the... button... to... shut...

*recovers her composure*

Hobgoblin? Oh, now hobgoblins I can handle! Grrr!

Sshhh! The mice have got a gun! Get down!

Oooooooo, ooo, ooo, oooo [Oh man, I hate being late, puff, puff]

OoooOooOoOOOOooo [But they clearly said an empysa, puff, puff]

OooOOOOoooooOOOO!!!! [And EMPYSAS HAUNT CROSSROADS, NOT GARDENS, puff, puff]

OOoooOOOoooOOoo [Oh, calm down]

OOoooOOOooOOo [I got you here, didn't I?]

OoooOOOooooOOo [You'd still be waiting at the crossroads if not for me]

OooooOOooOOOooo [At least one of us has some ectoplasm in our head]

*all at once*
1: Ready!
2: Aim!
3: Fire!

*the gun bucks as it goes off, and gun and mice all fly backward off the egg, fortunately without causing any damage*

*the bullet passes through Rebjello, sending wisps of ectoplasm in all directions before it spangs off a cliff wall, grazes a silver bell with a DINGGGGGG and embeds itself, energy nearly spent, in Robyn Bankes's swag bag*

*muffled voices behind egg*
Eight rounds left in this magazine.
WHAT?
WHAT?

*feels a slight thump in her back, swungs her swag bag over her shoulder and searches through it*

Oy! You ! you could have killed me with that!

*holds up a battered old ol lamp*

Blast, there is hole in this lamp. It wouldn't hold water now let alone the best grade lamp oil

*Alarmed by the noise, Pansy rushes back onto the stage with a shriek.*

EEEEEEK!!!!! What's that! Who's banging?


*While rushing about, Pansy encounters some of the wisps of ectoplasm and starts to flap her hands wildly trying to wave them away from her immaculate make up.*

AAAAAHHH! Ghoulies! I hate ghoulies in my face!

*When Pansy has stopped flapping and running around, the audience and the cast can see she is wearing a tall white cook's hat and a large white cook's dress, with blue and white striped stockings and frying pan shaped shoes. 2 large fried eggs are strategically placed on her ample bosom with a sausage stitched under them. The bodice of the dress looks a bit like this:



*Pansy looks apologetically at the rest of the cast and loudly whispers*

(Yes, I know it isn't my 'pretty maid all in a row' costume, but that seems to have disappeared. It's the best I could do! You should count yourself lucky to be working with such a professional. I'll have you know, my...)

*Pansy then notices the hole in Robyn's swag bag and stares at it intently as if to try and see the contents.*

Hmmmmm.

Hello, Miss Pansy!

*seeing the direction of Pansy's gaze:*

Oh don't worry about that little hole, I can soon sew it up

*swings the bag up over her shoulder out of Pansy's line of sight*

Where you thinking of cooking something, perhaps?

Is Rebjello dead again?

*stops laughing and gapes at Pansy's costume*

Cooking? Oh no, Robyn. What makes you think that?

I was going to stand with all the other pretty maids in a row, but SOMEONE stole my beautiful dress. It's actually the same colour as the lining of your bag. Mind you, if I do catch the thief I may have to use these pans. Let me show you what I'd do.

*Pansy removes both frying pan shoes and tries to trap the ectoplasm by banging them together.*

Come here ghoulies!
*CLANG**CLANG*

*The fried eggs wobble with every clang.*