h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*bangs open a door and finds a very dusty control room complete with a little wheel thingie at the far end...*

Aha! here's the... *steers a hard left to avoid an oncoming asteroid*

Woah... close one...

*ducks*

Phew.......close one!

*Comes through the E-Elevator*
Hello?...
*looks out window*
What is that orange wirhley thing there?
Holly:It's a timehole
Are you sure Holly?
Holly:Yes Arnold
So it's not aliens then?
Holly:No Arnold.
Too bad...

*snigger*

Aliens, Rimsie<?>

Yeah...
Watch out!, a Quagaar warship, no wait, it's just a garbage pod.

*pauses*

*looks very serious*

Um....there wasn't a erm.....*polymorph* now was there Rimsie<?>

Uhh I hope not.
Maybe we should get some bazookoids?
*Something that looks like a pile of Albino mouse droppings turns into a *
It's the Polymorph!
*The runs out the door*

Damn!
Anyone got a sock draw<?>

Hello...Hello...
Any polymorphs in here?

Doesn't look like anyone has been in here for a while, better sit down and see if anyone comes in.

*Gets some vindaloo from the dispenser machine, and sits at the navigation officers seat*

*Rimmer runs in looking very panicy*
A quagaar warship dead ahead!

*Five hours later the message finally registers with Private Terran, Looks at Rimmer, then looks at the ship and [Homer Simpson like] thinks if he should do something. Incredibly the Ship has not fired yet as their captain [A ravid old creature, who wouldn't know his elbow from his bottom (or so I'm told)] fell asleep just as he was about to give an order to fire. No one has woken him up yet as the rest of the crew are terrified of waking him up as the ashes of the last one who did are still smoking next to the captain.

*Meanwhile, the crew of the Red Dwarf know nothing of this, and Worry is beginning to set in with Private Terran*

What should I do?

hmmmm......

*thinks*

Prey<?>

*thinks again*

Ummmm.......

*shrug*

Umm... Don't suppose there are any weapons on board...

*Thinks*

If I can save the ship can I get my name on the Red Dwarf Page? And maybe a promotion from Private?

*Then thinks he may be going a bit too far with the last bit. Then thinks he was going a bit too far with all of it. Then comes up with notion that getting out of bed this morning was a bit too far. Brief insanity, then returns to Normal*

*Looks on control panel and finds button that says press me*

Well I hope this works.

*some whirring happens in the background*

Actually, sweetie, that was the coffee machine.

Do these guys have a telephone or something

*Rimmer, who has been running around in small circles, screaming for 5 hours is now beggining to calm himself*
Hoooo, I'm calm now...
WE 'RE GONNA DIE, WE'RE GONNA DIE, AHHHHHHH!!!

*Puts on a scouse accent*

Calm down, Calm down. There's got to be button round here that can be of some help.

*In the middle of the room Private Terran notices a box with a button on the top. The box has "Holly Hop Drive" Written on it*

Well If this button doesn't work nothing will.
*presses button*

Oh Dear....

*Rapidly gets into brace postition*

*Mean while on the other ship, there is another pile of ash next to the captains chair, and the captain is awake. This is because some foolish junior officer woke him up (it was a dare what can I say). By the way he has just given the order to fire. I think Red Dwarf has about ten seconds before it is hit.*

*Back on board Red Dwarf*

Why has nothing happened yet?

*Holly comes on the screen*

Holly: "Who are you? Never seen you round here before, I'd have remembered. Never forget a face. Come on who let you in - Arnold was it you?"

Holly : "Arnold?"

*meanwhile impending destruction is only 9 seconds away*

Yes Holly?