h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Your sushi is ready in the newly made mess hall gentlemen (and any gentlewomen there may happen to be).

Terran

*Slides down a corridor, scribbles some notes, and vanishes in the shadows.*

Who are you trying to kill Mystrunner?

Terran

*Mystrunner's voice echoes down the corridors.*

A killer whale called Orchid...

I don't know if there are any killer whales on the Red Dwarf.

Terran

*Voice echoes from somewhere else.*

Can never be too sure, can you? Found one once behind a book in my bookshelf. Tricky, they are...

Look if you don't stop moving further away, I'm going to need a megaphone soon. What is your problem with Whales, by the way?

Terran

*Bangs up a door sweaty and out of breath*
A, a, a, a, a, a-a-aaa a wha-a wha-wha-Whale!!, there's a killer whale in the cargo decks!

Ooh!

*Runs off to check.*

*Comes skidding in through the door, in hand*

What's this I hear about violence agains killer whales!
Don't you know they're highly intelligent and beautiful creatures????

And did you also know I've seen one eat a 4 meter long leopard seal in almost one bite!

My advice.....

Run Away!

*Slumps into the chair by the navicomp and looks at the screen*

mmmmmmm....... now..... That cant be right.....

*Skuls the rest of her and throws the empty glass over her shoulder*

............

What cant be right?

This here scanner is picking up signatures of artificial intelligence in quadrant 3..... what do ya reckon, should we jump in starbug and go investigate? Could be a laugh....

After those 's I'm feeling a little peckish

*Walk's over to the nearest food dispenser*

A chicken yeeros with sweet chilli sauce and pleanty of hummous, thanks

*The machine makes a gurglig noise and produces two set's of false teeth, a cup of jelly with fish finger chunks in and a copy of a tattered old book called "How to shave your yak for fun and profit".*

I think this thing needs fixing....

*disposes of hideous muck that has been delivered by very stupid machine*

I think there's some weird time dilation thing going on here..... I feel like I've been in thius room for weeks

Oh well, forget the A.I planitoid..... I'm going back to my cabin to mooch

*Staring in stunned disbelief at the lunatic antics of the beings on board. This is the Miztres first assignment and though she knows from her Guardian Angel training that humans are not always logical, nothing has prepared her for the shere lunacy she see's before her.*

Come on you hell damned machine, just do as commanded or this is going to be the shortest guardian angel assignment ever! I wonder if I can tweek this computers memory to make it think this humanoid is my humaniod, Dave Lister...

Eight seconds until impact

Guardian Angel alarm bells ringing, Miztres flys through metal hull and humanoid alike to reach the bridge. The scene in front of her stops her to the quick. The sheer lunacy that is being displayed in the face of total destruction is mind numbing and Miztres floats frozen for several second. Only a metaphysical slap of her own head brings her around as the hologram converses with the computer.

Now is the time she trained for, millennia's worth of training comming to the fore. Beside, if she leaves the saving of the ship to the two intellectuals now with the fate of the ship into their metaphoric hands, this was going to be the shortest assignment is Guardian Angel history.

Blazing though the front view panel into the void of space the panic voices and cut off, leaving Miztres head clear to face...

Use the one you prefer.

*Using skills honed over millenia in space as the Red Dwarf's computer Holly manages to use his linguistic skills in mind boggling ways*

Holly : "Hows it going dudes?"

Terran : "Fine. And you?"

Holly : "Not too bad? Anything going on?"

Terran : "Erm... a couple of anomylies to do with two things happening at the same time, but nothing to worry about."

Holly : "Oh thats alright then. Um... there was something I wanted to say but I've forgotten it now. I guess if its anything important I'll remember.

*Suddenly Terran hears a huge bang*

Holly : "Oh now I remember. Were heading in to an asteroid field. I'd probably better take a second look to be sure though..."

...asteroids, millions of them.

'What happened to the enemy ship, the death in nine seconds!' Miztres looks down to the omni-occulars in her hand. A students toy, it allows you to view a scene from different angles, in slow mo and with explanatry diagrams if needed. It also could replay scenes. She'd been using it to see how Lister had conducted his life that day before her arrival to better understand him. Unfortunately, when she realised something was going on, she hadn't turned them off.

'The Archangel was always saying they'd lead to no good!' Miztres threw them out into space, bouncing off the nearest asteroid and flying off over the Red Dwarf. It was the astroid field had been the situation that had triggered her senses...and she was powerless against them. Intelligent life she can manipulate and manage to a certian extent, but rocks were immune to most of her more impressive talents. She could push one rock at a time out of the way, but there were millions here, she didn't have a chance.

Humilated and completely at a loss at what to do next, she allowed the ships momentum to overtake her and she was once again on the bridge. As if she had never left there was still a scramble for switches and buttons. Miztres sat back and watched the commotion. How unlike the efficient professional manner then original crew would have had when this was still a mining vessle, plying the tides and currents of space, extracting ore from.....

"Wait...this ship was orginially built for...yes, switches...we need to hunt for switches..."

If the holly hop drive hadn't broke when I used it before , maybe we could use that. Can you fix it Hol?

Holly : "I'll give it a go. Has anyone seen the Scutters anywhere?"

Miztres finds what she's looking for, a set of dials and buttons that control the ore crushing and refining equipment. If she can get the refinery working and the hopper at the front of Red Dwarf open the asteriods can go through the refinery just as it's original designers intended. Only problem is it's more than 3 million years old, who knows if any of this complicated machinery will work.

But first things first, with her telepathy she projects out into the group of people present to plant the idea in their minds...this is always tricky, as you never know who may pick it up.