h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Zero swings his saber at Zeb. X fires is X-Buster at him.]

[Zero] [to Lil] Beats me! I thought I handed you a cowboy pistol!

Zero, nothing from you is ever simple!

*dashes out of the vestry to the back of the altar where she finds Floradora* Girl, I owe you a big debt of gratitude! We'll talk about it later. What's with himself up there? *gesturing with one hand toward Woody striking poses on top of the monster appliance*

*Groans and starts to get up. Is hit a glancing blow in the head by a Yukon Gold and blacks out again.*

*parries the sabre thrust with the bible and watches the top half of the book being sliced off and then barely manages to duck the X-buster blast.*

Dang it ! That hurt ma head !! Now yur've got me riled and ornery

*the green door opens a touch and a nauseous sprout odour permeates the nave in an instant. A dazed (and rather smelly) Apachello staggers out into the body of the nave and then swoons in the middle of the floor whilst the battle rages about him*

*Tries to keep the lid on his sarcophagus. Tomahawks the sword point poking through the crack.*

*The clones working the turnip mortar scatter as Munchers fires into them. Several are left behind, unmoving on the floor.*

*The far side door opens and a crack troop of Guards, known as the Bean Gerets, enters and begins setting up their cauliflowitzer. While their comrads are setting it up, the rest of the troop provides covering fire with their personal pea shooters. A pair of them also opens up with a bazuchini. Soon peas and zuchinis are flying at the posse members.*

WHUMP!

*A head of cauliflower streaks across the nave towards Witty.*

*Pulls out swordstick, minus the tip*

YOU BROKE MY SWORDSTICK! THIS MEANS WAR!

*kicks the sarcophagus, and rumages around in carpet bag for something to BLAST the structure open*

*Witty bends over to tie her sneaker and feels a breeze as the head of cauliflower whizzes past her hair.*

All right, I've had it. No more fooling around.

*Spins the nano-gun dial to "pickle juice - wide angle" and lays down a generous spray of vinegar and spices. She pans left, right, up and down covering both the enemy and the posse with the juice.*

Eeuuww, now I smell of vinegar!

*the Fast Freeze finally runs out and she reloads with Pharaoh's Dust bolts. These have the effect of turning anything they hit into sand*

*Stops firing. Looks with amazement at the fact that he has driven the troops away from the turnip mortar.*
Errr, uummmmm, ah, I know.
*Scurries over to the mortar and drags it back behind a pew.*
Now, how do I aim this thing?
*A courgette embeds itself in the pew inches from his head*

Witty! No!

*Is deluged with vinegar and spices. Continues in a much deeper voice.*

It will only make us vegetables stronger. It PRESERVES us. It's what Woody used in the cloning vats.

*A few of the wounded clones revive under the spray and start firing again.*

*a couple of bolts strike a pew, which immediately turn to sand*

those work well!

Sheesh! Sorry, Herb. I was hoping that pickling would immobilize them. Or at least make them stupid.

Stupid... hmmmm.

What about 150 proof Bloody Mary Mix?

*Continues to duck projectiles.*

Yes, Witty, that would certainly work. I'll just stand behind you, here, when you fire.

*Digs in her tote bag and extracts a plastic poncho, not unlike the kind you find at amusement parks when it rains.*

Here, Herb, put this on. I'll do my best not to drench you.

*Witty sets the gun for 150 proof Bloody Mary mix with extra black pepper and aims for Woody himself.*

Take that, you evil, evil thing!

*whirls around, and sees the ex-prisoner, her charge, and feels a ray of hope for her personal future*

Well, you're safe. And you're armed with a ... give me that. *Floradora takes the weapon from Lil and throws open a small door on the side. After punching several buttons, she slaps the door shut and hands it back to Lil*

Now it's a dehydrator. It'll work on celery AND jello! I'll just stand behind you, OK?

*Very quietly a door opens and a lone clone steps silently onto the narrow walkway running around the lower rim of the great dome. He moves stealthily around the dome until he is satisfied with his line of fire, then he kneels. He puts the case he is carrying down on the ground and releases the latches. It opens on well-oiled hinges to reveal a glistening weapon, nestled in the foam packing. He takes out the pieces one-by-one and deftly assembles the weapon. He then carefully closes and latches the case, then loads a round into the case.

He looks around the church, judging distances and air currents. He raises the weapon to his shoulder and looks through the telescopic sites. He moves slightly until the cross-hairs are centred just above and to the left of the point between Caerwyn's eyes. Gently, gently, he squeezes the trigger. The weapon recoils sharply against his shoulder as the silenced projectile is fired. Looking through the sites again, the lone gunman, now revealed to be the Parsniper, sees his shot miss by millimetres.

He takes another parsnip from his duffle bag and reloads. He re-aims. He fires.

what was that!

*ducks behind one of the few remaining pews*

*takes aim, hopefully, with crossbow loaded with Pharaoh's Dust and releases bolts towards the dome*