h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

From Batelgeuse:

"Be glad you didn't die in Italy. Good pizza, though."

Whoa. Skipped through the backlog from Communist French cheese to Italian pizza...

Are you sure that's a pizza?

It's got red sauce on it, so maybe
it's a beret for the Communist French cheese.

Communist French Cheese!

Communist French Cheese?

Communist French-Cheese?
Communist-French Cheese?

OK...

I wonder who would of brought Communist French Cheese into this convo in the first place shhesh...some people make no sense


()

Maybe the Communist French cheese was brought
in by someone who didn't make sense, then.
Or at least someone with bad eyesight.

Wait, I have bad eyesight.

Never mind.

but you make sense paul


()

Here's a little story of mine I wrote late one night...


The Man Who Needed A Doorstop

Gregory St James was finally dead. His partner in crime, his wife Gloria, had gone the way of all things not five days previous to his death. Gloria's remains were carried into her family crypt after a funeral attended by few. The news of her tragic death reached St James while his ship was anchored off the coast of Crete. She had been found unconscious by an assistant in her office and taken to the hospital where doctors said she died from apparent stab wounds. After reading of her passing, Gregory apparently leapt from the boat into the shark-infested waters in the early hours of the morning.

Their operation was simple, though grotesque. Gloria, at her London base, practiced her veterinary skills by taking in stray cats and dogs, surgically opening their abdomens, and inserting small packages of precious stones. Gregory would then carry a dozen or so animals on his cargo ship under the guise of effective ratters whom all the while were carriers for the St James smuggling operation.

Their venture was discovered after his death when a packing crate inadvertently crushed one of the cats and it's jeweled belly was exposed. Rumor had it that St James was in Greece to put on the market a massive shipment of Emeralds, stolen from the Emperor of China. That cache was not found in the search of either Gregory's stateroom or Gloria's apartment. Inspector Harold Fletcher was without a lead other than a letter in the waste bin of her flat in which Gregory had invited his wife to join him in Greece.

In the days before and after Gloria and Gregory's deaths, Scotland Yard received two mysterious tips. The first was from Posey Cartwright, a parlor maid, who saw a man and a woman enter the St James Veterinary Office in the wee hours of the morning one day before Gloria's death. The second was by Laurence Hasp, a deacon at the church where Gloria's funeral (and later, Gregory's) had been held. Hasp said that after the services had concluded and the mourners departed, a man fitting Gregory's description was seen walk to the coffin then hurriedly depart when Hasp's presence became known. That incident was eight days after Gloria's death.

Working on a hunch, Inspector Fletcher contacted the Travel Bureau and was informed that travel from Crete to London, by a complex and continuous land and water route, would take four days. Suspecting Gregory had a hand in his wife's undoing, he and a band of officers broke into the crypt where Gloria had been entombed. Upon opening the door, the corpse of Gregory St James tumbled out. Apparent cause of death had been by suffocation. The coffin in which Gloria had been laid to rest was open, as was the fatal incision in her abdomen.

Fletcher blamed the incident on poor foresight in crypt construction, but then again, how often do they need to get out?

I've got to read that one to my dad . . . oh, wow . . . . . .


Id
(Psssst . . . I'm baaaa-aaaaaaaaaack!)

Thank you