h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*lowers the shotgun at the amorous duck, and shoots*

*the duck vaporizes, with some feathers fluttering around. The vapor and the fluttering feathers suddenly coeles into a siloette. The dark shape solidifies into an old woman with a pink handbag wearing a black American judge's robe with white lace around her neck (its Judge Judy!). she grabs the shotgun out of the hunter's hands and starts beating about the head with it.*

You brute, you brute, you vicious brute! How dare you kill a poor little duck, I'm apalled, you should be ashamed! What would your mother say? what would your children think?

by which i mean judge judy hits the hunter with the shotgun

*morphs into a small cute tabby cat*

mrow?

*purrs cutely*

You didn't defeat me, I was fired.


*files an appeal*

*appeal is signed in triplicate, lost, turned into charcoal, and finally accepted 1873 years later*

Appeal accepted.

*morphs back into the manager*

You're still here? Security, get this man off my set.

*looks at the clock*

Oh $hit!, the show is back in 10 seconds! get him out of here, get the replacement in. Let's move folks!

*Security grabs Wonko by the shoulders and firmly escorts him towards the door*

by the rules of god battle, if you don't respond within 5 days, the last to post a battle related thing is the victor. (that doesn't mean Werekitty, as she was a side party and not a combatent at that time)

*morphs into the replacement*

[timer counter guy] and we're back in 3...2...

[Manager] if you don't do this better, I'll have you shot!

[timer counter guy] 1...we're on

[News ancor] blah, blah, blah, and so on, and so forth, yatta, yatta, yatta, yakitty shmakitty, and now for the weather!

sorry, I'll let it go this time

Welcome to the 5 o'clock news. Our top story tonight: A cow in Illinois was found today, apparently beaten to death by a munber of antique decorations. This, police say, may be the first known case of a knick-kcack paddywhack.

And now to over to you...

[manager] that's better

[News Ancor] And to expand on yesterdays story, the governor of Illinois has declaired himself dictator of the midwest and has launched an invasion of colorado

...the Coloradoans are not prepared for a war of this magnitude and are hastily retreating into the mountains. President Bush has scheduled a squad of UN weapons inspectors to enter Illinois and justify a Civil war, weather or not they find anything. Speaking of weather...

[News Ancor] A cloud of death consisting mainly of ICBM's has been launched from the former soviet union at its ancient adversary, the Budhists of the Himilayas

And at the scene...

[Himalayan reporter] AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahHHhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!1 WE"RE UNDER FIRE!!!!!!!! Back to you...
*teleports away*

Ok... that was inevitable.

Rumors have been going around that this news show is actually a warground on a distan dreamworld. Today, I while confirm those rumors and grow three extra heads. *grows 3 extra heads*
And bite the other ancor *bites the other ancor**turns into a hydra and bites even more*
*yells*
*quickly consumes the cameraman*

[director] Cut! Cut! Cu-*is bitten*

[News Ancor] Oh my gods! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

[News Show Manager] Oh no you just didn't! *Storms over to the hydra with the security gaurds and hands it/him/her/both/neither a pink slip* You are SOOOOOOO fired! Escort this...thing out *the security gaurds grab a couple heads and start yanking it towards the door*

*starts biting*

*the gaurds yelp and fall down, more rush up with riot shields and start pushing the hydra towards the open exit door*

*turns back human*

I was possessed, I swear! It's the devil's work! I didn't do it! I swe-*dreams HDS turning into a devil so he does and then points at him*

Him! Him!

[the Manager] oh him? he's quality control!

*HDS stabs at Wonko with a fiery trident*