h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Uli leads the caribou up to the bows and, unsheathing her knife, looks around for a bucket*

*The caribou lifts his head and sniffs the wind, then calls*

*The cook arrives carrying his cleaver, and is stopped in his tracks by what he sees*

What in the name of Atlantis is that? The Captain's good lady told me you had a caribou, but I did not believe her. How came you by such a creature this far out at sea? And why would we slaughter something so beautiful when we can live quite nice off the fruits of the sea?

We could live but we could not thrive without a balance of meat from the land, and we have a young one amongst us.

*looking up at the caribou* He is beautiful indeed, and more beautiful for his generosity! I asked the Spirits for game and he came. Will you refuse his gift? Will you feed him fish and tie him to a corner of this ship where he will not break his legs on the seamen's ropes?

*smiling for the first time since she came on board*

Cook, that is a fine knife and you are practised in killing for food, like me. I thought you would be honoured to speed this animal to his reward!

*Lizzie approaches then stops dead in her tracks.*

My goodness! Where did that beast come from?

The Spirits directed him here.

*the caribou looks down at Lizzie then back out to sea*

Are you telling me, Miss Uli, if I may call you that, that you can conjure food out of thin air? You are indeed welcome aboard if that be the case.

But why not ask the spirits for lifeless meat? It's a crying shame to conjure an animal into existence only to dispatch it immediately. Don't seem right to me. Still, we must eat, and if the crew will have no more of my fine fresh-caught fish, then we must see to the creature right away, for he'll have to hang for a few days afore we dine on him.

Young Miss Lizzie, I think you should retire to another part of the ship. This isn't for young eyes.

*sighes*

All right, if I must.

*Reaches high to touch the shoulder of the caribou.*

It's just as well, I don't suppose I could eat the meat if I witnessed the butchering.

*Heads aft.*

*watches the young girl retreat then pulls over the bucket. Uli presses her forehead against that of the caribou for a long moment, and then suddenly the caribou falls to its knees. Uli immediately cuts its throat and sings wordlessly as the blood flows into the bucket*

*the caribou slumps and dies*

Ah, Cook, you would evade the responsibility for the creature's death before you ate it? Those who are unable to hunt for themselves may receive meat at the hands of the hunters... but we are the hunters, are we not?

Leave me the sinews, antlers, small intestines and heart when you dress the meat. The sinews will make another string for my bow. The antlers I promised back to this caribou, carved in his honour. The intestines I will use to reinforce the waterproof cover of my canoe. And the heart... well, I will explain later.

Do the white men eat blood sausage?

*walks in and looks around. her face looks strangely sad when she sees the caribou's lifeless body*

So, it is done.

*her eyes tear up for a moment, then she blinks rapidly to clear them*

When you finish here, Mr Head, I need to speak with you. And... Have any of you seen the cat?

*shaking her head over the sentimentality of the white women*

*finishes removing antlers and begins skinning the caribou* This will make a fine fur robe and boots! And ear muffs too.

It is a lovely pelt, Uli. *smiles*

*decides that she cannot watch this any longer and returns to the deck, hoping that the fresh air will help clear her mind*

I have not seen the cat for some while, Ma'am. I will speak with you presently, when Miss Uli and I have seen to this carcass.

You are indeed skilled with a knife, Miss Uli. But do not presume that I am afraid to use this cleaver. If it is needed, I will use it. However I have never seen a creature dispatched that way. I confess I thought you had changed your mind about killing it when you pressed your heasd to it in that manner. But then you moved so quick and the deed was done.We must speak later of what magics you have and where you have come from, for I suspect you have more in common with me than with the rest of the crew.

Well, now the blood I shall fry up into some fine sausages, so that those who grow tired of my beautiful fish may eat something different, but I will need some of the intestines for the casings. All the rest you may use as you see fit, and I will hang the carcass below decks for a while to improve the flavour.

Pray tell me what it is you would do with the heart, Miss Uli?

Not Miss Uli. My name is Uli. I never miss.

*finishes removing the hide of the caribou* I will have to find a place to stretch and scrape this. And there will be plenty enough of the intestines to share. The carcass is yours now to make ready as you see fit. Perhaps I can set up a frame by your cooking area so the heat and smoke will help cure and soften the skin.

*cocks head as she rolls up the hide* It is difficult to explain about the heart. I asked the Spirits to send game but I did not expect so big a gift as this. But there are some things that need a great heart to find out. A tool has been put by my hand.

Will you throw away the offal before you take the carcass downstairs? I will help you carry it.

Why do you claim things in common with me?

Well, Mi...er, Uli, there's not much room in my little galley, but if we can stretch out your hide there, we shall. I'll keep some of the offal, for they've all seen the beast and they'll be expecting meat tomorrow. I can at least give them some of the offal and blood as sausages while the carcass hangs. And as the heart is symbolic for you, you shall have it.

Why are we alike? You came from out of the sea, I gather, and you seem to commune with others who are not human. You appear, like me, to have no need of these humans. They must befriend each other to be happy, but we could live amongst them without having any of them for friends. Perhaps that will be even more the case if I continue to give them fish!

You are seeking something, as am I. I would gladly know some more about you, which I will keep as a secret between us, and in return, I will tell you more about about myself, some of which may surprise you. But first I must know if I can trust you with my secret, for I give you my word on yours. It may be we can help each other find what we are looking for.

If you will help me down to the galley with the carcass, we can talk in private. Someone could easily overhear us here.

*lifts one end of the carcass and waits for Uli to do the same*

It is good to have talk while one works.

*ties the rolled hide to her waist, hoists one end of the carcass to her shoulder, and picks up the bucket of blood*

Lead the way to your galley.

*together they carry the carcass to the galley*

*Enters. Exits*