h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

do they make chainmail for horses? Maybe I can get myself some moose chainmail!

**Seeing Double**

An "original" production by an American

Cast of Characters

Peter– An economics professor at a local college, performed as John Cleese.

Peggy– Peter’s student and mistress, a classic Blonde

Bellhop – Hotel bellhop in a red uniform

Maryann – Peter’s wife, dressed in a conservative white blouse and black skirt.

Understudy – Understudy to the role of Maryann and dressed in the same costume.

Stage Manager – The stage manager of the doomed production, played as Woody Allen, wearing a white shirt, sweatervest, headset, and carrying a clipboard.



Time: A winter evening, the present.

Scene: A stage reconstruction of a room in a prominent New York City hotel. Two doors are on the far wall to the right; one opening to the hall and the other to a large coat closet with hangers in it. To the far left is the door to the bathroom. A king-size bed is in front of the bathroom door, so that you have to cross behind the bed to reach the door. Stage right is an armchair and a dressing table. Hotel soaps and shampoos, a paper room-service menu, and a telephone are on the table.

At Rise: The lights are already on in this freshly cleaned room.


Peter
(To room) Well, this is it.

Peggy
Oh, Professor, I can't wait!
(She takes off her coat and tosses it on the bed, then flies into the bathroom with her small bag)

Peter
Amazing how women can always find the bathrooms.
(He takes the suitcase from the bellhop and puts it at the foot of the bed, puts his coat on top of the bed, and begins to loosen his tie. On turning around, he notices that the bellhop is still standing in the doorway.)
Can I help you? Oh, right.
(Realizes that he forgot to tip the bellhop. He takes out his wallet and gives bellhop a dollar)

Bellhop
If you need anything, pick up the telephone and dial "zero one nine" for room service.

Peter
Will do.
(Bellhop exits, closing the door behind him.)

Peggy
(Emerges from bathroom in a peignoir and does a little spin)
How do I look? I bought it just for you.

Peter
As lovely as always. Um, where did you get that? My wife has one just like it.

Peggy
Oh, don’t talk about your wife! We came out here to get away from her.

Peter
I’m sorry. She haunts my every waking moment.

Peggy
Then why aren't you with her now?

Peter
Let me tell you something about marriage.
(He sits in the armchair and she sits in his lap)
In the first few years, marriage is great. Then things start to cool down. You continue with your careers and don't see each other as often as you did before. And because that other person is always around, you tend not to think about her so often as one should. I should say that in this case of adultery, I am at least partly to blame.

Peggy
(She leans in to kiss Peter, then suddenly snaps back)
Let's order room service first!

Peter
If you want.
(He picks up the phone and dials while hands Peggy the menu)
What was that number, now? Nine zero one?

Peggy
Zero one nine. Te-he! Which is the professor and which of us is the student?
(Peter looks at her, half wondering how she knew the number, as she was out of the room when the bellhop told him)

Peter
(To phone) Hello? Yes, I'd like to order something to be sent up.
(To Peggy) You have the intellectual heft of a cotton ball, but when it comes to rote memorization, you're the tops.

Peggy
Silly professor, I write everything down.

Peter
That's not what I meant by "rote." (to phone) What? No, I don't want roe with that.

Peggy
I'll have the vitchy-suzzie.

Peter
(To Peggy) That's vichyssoise. (to phone) Yes, two bowls. And some bread.
(He hangs up the telephone and leaves wallet on the dressing table.)

Peggy
(Tosses the menu into the air)
Oh professor, who needs a menu when you're in love?

Peter
About eighty-three-percent of the community. Less, if they want it in English.

Peggy
This is what I get for falling for an actuary.

Peter
Well, sweetie, my first and last love will always be numbers.

Peggy
I'd like to see you take numbers to bed!
(She sits again on his lap and leans in to kiss him, then suddenly snaps back)
Did you hear something?
(They both turn to listen)

Peter
It's my wife! What’s she doing here? Quick, get in the closet.
(He pushes her into the closet and closes the door just as the entry door opens.)

Maryann
Peter? Are you in here? Oh, there you are. What were you doing behind the door?

Peter
Maryann, I...

Maryann
I know you were probably trying to surprise me, this being our anniversary and all. And I love the idea of a weekend in the city. What a wonderful gift!
(Peter slaps himself in the head, as he had forgotten)
When I called you at work, your secretary said you had booked a room here and reserved seats at one of my favorite restaurants, and even bought tickets to my favorite Broadway show!

Peter
Happy anniversary, dear... wait, I didn't buy any tickets!

Maryann
I'll admit it; I bought them for you. You were never good at picking up details. I put them on your credit card.
(She takes off her coat and tosses it on the bed. Peter notices that Peg's coat is sticking out under his.)

Peter
Let-me-get-your-coat!
(He grabs all three coats and takes them to the closet. Upon opening the door, he thrusts them into Peg's arms and closes the door on her.)

Maryann
If we leave now we can make the restaurant and then the show. Or would you prefer the other way around to give us some time alone?
(She sits on the bed and runs her hand over the comforter.)

Peter
Uh, let's... let's do the restaurant now, and come back later.

Maryann
Alright, just let me freshen up first.
(She exits into the bathroom)

Peter
(He runs to the closet and opens the door to find Peggy in her coat and out of her peignoir)
We've got to get you out of here.
(He pulls her out of the closet. A thump is heard from the direction of the bathroom. Maryann misses her cue to re-enter. Peter ad-libs)
Ahem, you've really got to hurry. Do you have everything?
(Still no Maryann)
Um, do you want to call for a taxi?

Understudy
Whose bag is this?
(Peter pushes Peggy back into the closet as the Understudy enters in place of Maryann. Peter does a quick double take.)

Peter
What's that, dear?

Understudy
This (holds up bag). This bag was sitting on the toilet.

Peter
It's... uh... complementary? Yeah, that's it! It's complementary, like these soaps and shampoos!
(He runs to the dressing table, grabs handfuls of free items, and thrusts them at the Understudy. Just then, Maryann re-enters from the bathroom though the arms of the Stage Manager can be seen trying to stop her. Understudy and Maryann speak the next two lines in unisen)

Understudy
(She looks inside bag and pulls out a condom.)
What strange things then give you in hotels these days!

Maryann
(She now wears a bandage on her forehead and holds up a bag identical to other bag.)
Whose bag is this?


Peter
Uh... Yes, what strange things emerge from a hotel bathroom.
(The Understudy and Maryann look surprised to see each other. There is a knock at the entry-door)
Let me get that.
(Peter opens the door as the Understudy and Maryann silently use gestures to indicate what line they are on. At the door is the bellhop with a suitcase and a large jar.)

Bellhop
Here's your suitcase, ma'am. And sir, here is that heft of cotton balls you ordered.
(Peter takes the suitcase and the cotton balls and slams the door with his foot on the waiting hand of the bellhop.)

Peter
(Forgets lines and stammers)

Maryann and Understudy
What do need all those cotton balls for? Oh, feeling kinky are we?

Peter
Well, the thing is, I think we should all go to dinner now.

Maryann and Understudy
Just give me a minute to get ready.
(They exit into the bathroom, or try to as they are stuck in the doorway.)

Peter
No, no, no! Let's go to dinner. I'm starving, and you're probably hungry from all that driving.
(There is a knock at the door. Peter opens it to find the bellhop with the serving cart of soups and bread.)
Take that away! We're going out to dinner!
(Peter slams door on bellhop and a crash is heard from behind the entry door.)

Maryann and Understudy
Who was that at the door?

Peter
No one, dear, uh, dears. Let me get our coats.
(Not realizing he is still holding the cotton balls, he opens the closet door and pulls Peg out into the room.)

Maryann and Understudy
(The stage Manager pushes the Understudy and Maryann back into the room and momentarily is seen. Maryann falls on the bed. Understudy crashes into the wall. Peter thrusts the jar of cotton balls into the arms of Peggy and pushes her back into the closet.)
Well, this is it. How do I look?

Peter
Uh, great. Great-great. Let's go.

Maryann and Understudy
Where are our coats?

Peter
(Unsure how to respond, there is a knock at the door)
Give me one second.
(He opens the door to find the bellhop covered in soup. The bellhop punches Peter in the stomach and pushes the now-messy cart into the room. When Peter falls on the bed, the bellhop steals his wallet from the dressing table.)

Maryann and Understudy
What was that about?

Peter
Coats. Closet. Must go now.
(He pulls himself off the bed. As he talks to his "wives," Peggy, now in her coat, silently climbs out of the closet and hides under the food cart.)

Maryann and Understudy
Where are our coats?

Peter
In the closet.
(Realizes what he has said and runs ahead of them.)

Maryann and Understudy
I'll get it myself. Imagine how I feel that you can't perform one simple task. (They make motions towards the closet.)

Peter
No, no, no. I'll get them, you're coats, that is.
(He opens the door and is surprised that Peggy is not within.)
Where'd she go?

Maryann and Understudy
Who is "she?" I'm not in the mood for a joke, and I'm certainly not in the mood for a three-way.

Peter
When I said she, I meant, um, this other gift I bought you!
(He hands Maryann the coat and hands the Understudy the peignoir.)
Do you like it? I bought it just for you.

Maryann and Understudy
That looks familiar. Silly, I already have one. If you would have told me about tonight, I would have packed it. Well, I suppose two is better than one.

Peter
Usually.
(As they talk, Peggy crawls back into the closet.)

Maryann and Understudy
Could you hang up my coat? I'm going into the bathroom to put this on.
(Maryann and the Understudy fight over the peignoir.)

Peter
I'd like to see you try.

Maryann
What?
(Maryann hands the coat back to Peter. The Understudy is already halfway to the bathroom)

Peter
Try it on. I'd... like to watch.

Maryann and Understudy
My, we are kinky this evening!

Peter
Well...
(A sneeze is heard from within the closet.)
Not again! (exasperated)

Maryann and Understudy
Who's in there? If you're not coming out, I'm coming in!
(Maryann opens the closet door furiously and pulls Peggy into the room. The Understudy is a few seconds late, so she furiously opens the entry door and pulls in the startled Stage Manager.)
Who are you supposed to be and what are you doing in the closet?

Peter
She-she-she's the chambermaid. She needed extra hangers, and since I noticed we had so many...

Peggy and Stage Manager
(Speaking in unison, but the Stage Manager has to read the lines off his clipboard.)
This is all a big mistake. I just want to go home!

Maryann and Understudy
(To Peter, who stumbles over the food cart attempting to escape) I can't believe you've been seeing another woman!

Peter
She is not my girlfriend!

Peggy and Stage Manager
He is not my boyfriend!

Maryann and Understudy
Then who's girlfriend are you?
(Bellhop enters through the bathroom door.)

Bellhop
Mine!

Peter
(To audience) Well, this is it.




Curtain

Hmmm... Neat-o. But, it needs more chaos....

Submit it to the Book of the future, they'll take anything now that the submission dates next week and they only have a handful of stories!

True!!!

do books have a future?

Ofcourse they don't, what with computers and everything!!!

Computers are fun and all, but books are always better. They just feel more real...

The Marx brothers would have enacted this sketch to perfection! There`ll always be readers-tv watchers-& readers of readers` digest-long live the 3!(I`m not counting the computer-heads-they`re on a different thread~) Neugen isn`t this great! N-

Erm... hello? Was just hopping from thread to thread when i noticed this... d'you need another pirate to accompany you on your quest/mission/errand/affair/gig/crusade?

Mr. Christopher...i believe you are in large part responsible for the mass exodus of pirates from this vessel.

with warm regards,

alec.

An Exodus you say? mmmmmm Biblical

(ignoring Alec's swolen pus-filled head)
Where is this Book of the Future? I have some other stories floating around h2g2 that could go in.

*ignoring Mrs Christophers atrocious spelling*

er perhaps you could write them down er ...

somewhere else Chris??

alec.

Well, Alec, you forgot to capitalize the "I" in your last posting, and the apostrophe, period, and gender in "ignoring Mrs Christophers atrocious spelling."

Erm... is this a bad time?

No, Hobart. You are just in time to help me defend the dramatic arts against the ignorant rage of one; Alec Trician.

dramatic arts? ignorant rage?

Please, allow me to settle in first, at least...

Why not have a and read post 1342?

aha. Interesting... did you write that yourself, Mr. Christopher?