h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yes SIR!
Master Grate the Jailer SIR!

*grabs cat and starts to clean up wall*

[Lancelot]

Master jailer I have a prisoner...

*brings in a sultry young lady dressed in leather, studs and chains with thigh high black leather boots*

She tried to attack me with this...

*uncoils a vicous looking black leather whip*

See if you can make her talk, she seems to enjoy pain.

[Master Grate the Jailer]

I'm far too busy stretching midgets. Ask those Brighed sisters, they've nothing better to do. And they seem to have similar taste inclothing!

[Lancelot]

*Looks at the sisters and starts drooling*

Hmmm, why not....

[Guinevere]
*wakes in, stares at the sisters*
*gives Lancelot a nasty look*

...Jailer! I want a black outfit too!

[ostrich] *falls out of broom cupboard.* http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F68913?thread=116810&skip=0&show=20

[rat] snufsnufsnuf... mmmmmmm, leather

[Cyril the Dungeon Rat]

Eeeek ... blimey. Aint 'arf busy in 'ere. I remember when it was just me an' me mates doin' nuffink all day, just langin' arand, bit 'er this, bit 'er that ... she liked being bitten I tell ya

[Comedy bit part serf #22 and cleaner] *Enters* You fink you've got troubles. You try cleanin' up after this lot. 'Ere, aren't you a rat? Take that! *Swings broom in general direction of rats, and ostrich (!) causing more mess in the straw and general cell grime than anything else*

[rat] Yeah so I'm a rat. Wot of it? Yore a slave but I don't hold it against you.

[jawless skeleton hanging on wall]

You think you've got troubles. You should try talking with no lower mandible, tongue or voice box. I remember the days when a skeleton could earn a good living hanging around in dungeons. But oh no, not any more.

[Comedy bit part serf #22 and cleaner] Serf mate, i'm a serf, and don't you forget it. Now get out of 'ere would you. Ah'll get a right flogging if'n I don't get this place right

[Female rat]

*eyes male rat lustfully*

[Jailer chick]

*picks up ostrich, dips it in handy nearby bucket of soapy water and starts mopping the floor with it*

*sniffs*

Wassat smell goin' up me nossel? Ewwwwww.....summat's done arf pong round here!

*sniffs own armpits*

Nope, t'aint me.
I had a dip in lake a couple a week ago.
Larst full moon.
Tweren't the only full moon on view that night!
Har! Har! Har!
So who be it smellin' like an old sesspit then?

*sniffs skeleton*

[skeleton]

*looks offended* He {?} deserves an oscar for looking offended with no facial features to speak of}

*walks over to Queen Guenivere*

*sniffs*

It's YOU!!!!!

[Morgas]
Morgan le Fey, dear sister, how ARE you?
I'm SO happy to see you IN HERE
*grinning like a sitting in front of a pint of cream*

[Midget] Oh my, 6 foot 7? I must be the tallest midget around here by now...

[sultry young lady of post 42]

"Honestly, that's the trouble with dungeons nowadays - no quality control... Who's in charge here? I want to speak to the manager!"

*pouts briefly, before moving her hands to try and quickly snatch back her whip from Lancelot*

[Out Of Character] Right - so that's a character... now I just need to find a name for her...

[Archer]

*takes off her helmet and leans against a relatively clean part of the wall*

*glances around* Man, it sure is crowded down here...

[sultry young lady]

*recovers her whip and stalks over to the wall*

"Well, it seems that everyone's indulging in a spot of midget watching, and I guess it must be popular..." *places head on one side* "He is kind of cute, come to that".

"What brings you down here then?"

[Grey old man - almost part of the cold stone (bald)]

Doctors orders girl, the damp air is good fer my lungs... See girl 'tis not all jolly to get private healthcare these days.

[midget] 6 foot 8 - and counting...